Sigh...

Well... I'm sad and I'm going to sleep.  I went out tonight.  I had plenty of drinks bought.  And at the end.  All I wanted was Crab.  And at the end when I say...
"Your going out tomorrow. Don't go to the after hours.  Just be with me tonight" I get
"Come one Diana.  Please don't start."

Why does it annoy him when I say I want to see him? What's worst? Someone wanting you?  Or someone not wanting you? 

Hopefully for his sake he'll never have to feel what it feels like not to be wanted.

New Year, Same Story

Welp. Surprise surprise.  Remember that NYE party Crab said he'd probably go to with me...? Yeah you know what I'm about to say.

Oh well.  Alone again. 

I don't know why it bothers me.  I've never NOT been alone.  Even when my husband and I were togther. 

But...

Hard things don't get easier the more you do them.  They don't hurt less.  You just learn not to cry.

Blahsey blah blah....

I told Crab the comments Laki and Mo had. He said it always surprises him because he doesn't look at himself as particulary good looking. He thinks I always say how sexy he is because I love him and that's why I find him so attractive.  I told him that at first I just saw him as perfect. It was an infatuation. But now Im kind of playing around when I talk about his looks because he's just him to me. A nice looking package, but the real goods are on the inside.  But anyway I told him how I'm taking the picture down eventually and he seemed to not want me to.  (Crab likes to post pictures of himself. He constantly puts new pics up on FB and I swear he sounds sad if he doesn't get a lot of likes. *giggles*.)  Anyway, he says
"Well there's no need to take it down.  I mean... my face is covered. Its no big deal. You don't have to take it down". So we will leave it cause he likes it being there.

Um.... so we had our pre admin tests for the surgery.  13 days to go.  Excited!

So in other news...  Crabs ex wife according to him is rude and mean to any of his girlfriends.  Well go back go back...
You all know Crab and my relationship status but his daughters are none the wiser.  Because well obviously (in my Billy Sorrells Peaches voice) he isn't gonna explain it to them.  They see me as his girlfriend because that is pretty much what I've been the past few years in their eyes. Anytime they've introduced me to their friends it has been "this is my dad's girlfriend Diana".  So anyway I had no idea his ex wife even knew I existed.  So last night I was on the phone with his daughter Flip. She was telling me how much she loved the stuff I bought for the baby and I had gotten her some Betsey Johnson slippers and she just loved them.  She said that her mother was like

E: Diana is the Bomb.com!  She is so sweet!
F: I know! That's what I have her saved in my phone as. Diana So Sweet!

Anyways. She said her mom said it makes her feel more comfortable knowing I'm there when she isn't to help Flip with the motherhood transition.

This meant so much to me.  I feel like it is really special when the Ex likes you especially one that never likes anyone.  And then for her to want me to be a part of something as special as the new baby! 

My brother will be here in about a week!  It great because I haven't seen him in about 5 years.  He's coming to help me after the surgery.

Sadness

Well I've been crying off and on since like 3:30

So today I was talking to Crab about the ex boyfriend of an aquantance of mine Angel.  Her ex Nude Mike is having a really hard time with the breakup.  Its been months but he is crushed.  He tweets about it every day.Lately they seem to be reconciling.  When the breakup first happened I had told Crab about it and he really felt bad for Nude Mike.  Crab is very sensitive to love and feelings and he really hated how hurt Nude Mike was behind the breakup.  So I was telling Crab how I suggested blogging to NM.  I even let him read some of this blog.

Anyways I was telling Crab how hard NM loves.  NM loves Angel truely madly deeply.  He can't get enough of her.  He breathes her.  I told him today that kind of love may be a lot of pressure on a person.  Crab agreed that it might be a lot of pressure to be someones everything.  I told Crab I wanted someone to love me like that.  He was like

C: You would want that?
M: Yeah.  I never had someone love me.
C: I love you
M: I know you love me. I mean...
C: I know what you mean.
M: anyway you know I don't like talking about it. It makes me sad.
C: why does it make you so sad?
M: you know what I'm gonna do?  I'm gonna go see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Remember iwhen I was reading the book.

I usually cut that convo short.  You guys know how badly it depresses me.  But I guess it was long enough to get to me today because now I keep crying.  My cheeks are raw from the tears.  I must have acid tears today.  I hate to think about it.why I haven't been loved. Convincing myself that its possible.

Inside

The core of me believes I was put here to love but never to be love.  That loving me, being in love with me is not possible.  And if I want to be happy I have to accept that.  But it makes me sad to think that its true.  But I believe its true.  Not my mind.  My mind knows that's crazy talk.  But the part of me that is who I am, the soul of me I guess believes this to be true. And it hurts.  Sometimes physically like an ache in my chest.  It put me into this terrible place of melancholy.

Last Night's Crab Kicking Coincidences

Sometimes men at The Spot try and get with your girl Diana, and to do it, some of them try to kick Crab's back in.  I mean it is known and unknown that I am his, you know.  We front like we aren't messing around but in the end the deal is known.  So here's the thing.  If you hang with Crab and laugh with Crab and shake hands with Crab and then you talk bad about Crab to me to try to get me...

I'M TELLING...!!!  EEEEEEEWWWWW.... I'M TELLING!  

What makes you think that if I've been messing with this man for damn near 3 years I'm gonna let you talk shit about him and not tell him?  A couple of people have learned the hard way.

Incident 1

Y'all remember Sponsor? He was all "I think your relationship with Crab is one sided.  You should see how many women he talks to."  Now I always see Crab talking to the ladies.  No biggie. (this was before I was the jealous monster that I can be nowadays) 

So I already knew he was scared of Crab.  Crab is big muscle wise so he can look intimidating.  Here he is with his face blocked out to protect the innocent (he's a little bigger now. Pic for a limited time.  I'mma take it off eventually)

But Sponsor used to always text me that he was at The Spot that Crab was looking at him.  And I'd be like "Is he trying to intimidate you?"  then he'd get macho and be like "I don't let any man intimidate me.... blah blah blah."  Mind you, Crab had no problem with Sponsor.  He didn't even know that I spoke to Sponsor like that.  Sponsor was just nervous as hell cause he knew what he was trying to do.  

So I don't know how or when but I told Crab.  Sponsor said Blah blah blah.  Crab was mad!  He said he broke guy code and if he wanted me he should get me on his own without talking bad about Crab and that sponsor didn't know how serious me and Crab could have been and what if we were engaged and he messed up our relationship...  So from then on Crab just dead stopped talking to Sponser.  Not a hello what's up nothing. And I told Sponsor straight up... I told Crab what you said. 

Incident 2

Another dude that laughs and jokes and would hang with Crab at The Spot OC (stands for Over Confident).  Well OC one night was talking and flirting with me.  Mind you, the first time I'd met him was when he was with a chick I knew Vendy.  Vendy had come to celebrate my birthday at The Spot last year.  OC and Vendy were hugged up and touching and kissy and shit.  Well then after that I'd see OC on a regular basis there.  One night he was with his boss, Cub and he introduced me to him. 

So anyway I was there alone.  I don't know if Crab was there or not but sometimes I would go dolo.  So OC sits next to me.  He buys me a drink.  No biggie cause guys there always buy me drinks.  Then he says dun Dun Duuuuuun

"I know you mess with that Al B. Sure looking Nigga.  I can't stand him"

And I'm like 

"I don't think you really even know him not to like him.  You know you done fucked up right?  You know that right?" (Menace to Society)  and I turn my back to him.

Oh Oh Oh!  Crab wasn't there that night.  Cause as soon as I got home I was all bing bing bing (that's me dialing the phone) 

"Yooooooooo!   You know what the NWord OC said...?!?!?!"

From then on when OC would try and talk to Crab , Crab would just ig him.  He tried to give Crab dap Crab gave him him elbow and not his hand.  One day OC said to Crab "Yo we cool?"  And Crab was like "I thought we were" 

So last Night me and Sis went to the bar/strip club The Wood and I saw Cub.  So he was like 

Cub: Hey how are you? Where do I know you from

M: The Spot.  You're OC's boss right?

Cub: Yeah.  You have a great memory.  How's he doing?

(This is when that hood side of me popped out.  I get nasty for no good reason sometimes)

M: How the fuck should I know.  Aren't you his boss?  Don't YOU see him everyday?"

Cub:  I thought you know you see him at the Spot...

M: That's all.  I know him from there.  That's it.  You work with him.

Then I leave and who is getting into his car right in front of mine?  Sponsor!  So he says

S: Hey.  How's Crab

M: HE'S GREAT!

S: You know he still won't talk to me cause of you.

M: He probably never will! Take care (I get in the car)

I get home.  Bing Bing Bing (that's me dialing)  So I tell Crab the whole thing and he was like 

"Yo he's lucky I didn't beat his ass!  You should have said..."

And then he went on the long rant of this I should have said, things I would have never in a million trillion years have thought of on my own or will I even remember to say ever, and what he's gonna say when he sees him.

Quickie

Well Well Well.  Not much to say.  I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas.  As usual I invited Crab to join us for Christmas dinner and as usual he didn't no biggie.  I've never had a man at a holiday dinner anyway.  not even my husband. My step-sisters were all "No more plates for him!  Next time he needs to come."  They need to chill on being so vocal though... My family doesn't get down like that.  We keep our opinions to ourselves.  

Blending families is hard.  Especially when everyone is GROWN and set in their.  Sometimes I like them and Sometimes I don't. 

Homeboy is still frontin'.  I quit. I'm losing interest fast. 

For now....

Just so you know...

I sent a text last night
I just wanted you to know I miss you

I got a text back
Show me


Can you all guess who?

Love it when you give me head. But I hate it when you give me Headaches!

The headaches...

Every now and then Homeboy used to say he had a headache.  Terrible terrible headaches.  So I would call him for days with no answer and when I would speak to him he would say it was because he had a headache  These headache episodes at first would go a day, or two and then the next episode would be a week, then nothing.  No talking.  Nothing.

And I don't friend men that I have any romantic involvement with on FB so if we aren't calling or texting then that's it!

Linkage as promised

Ok so here are the Crab cliffnotes
Here are some Homeboy cliffnotes

And here's some elaboration on Homeboy. We really did hit it off.  He would tell me how he thought he loved me. How he wanted to marry me someday. He wasn't ready to feel like this.  He wanted to have babies with me. I thought he sounded nuts but I think part of me liked it. And then he started to have these "headaches" and wouldn't answer the phone for days and then nothing...  for weeks....  then he'd call and act like a week a month and now almost a year has passed.  Reading back through my posts March was our last go at this.  I told him the other night that's why I can't have sex with him.  If I do and he does his disappearing act Id be crushed.  I actually wouldn't be crushed. Disappointed yes.  But crushed no.

But at this point in life I'm not putting myself into losing situations and then blaming the men for being fuckups.  Trying not to at least.

Didnt I Tell You to Shut Up

Omg.  I just got back from running around with Crab.  I could have just cut a nice size peice of duct tape and put it right over those juicey lips.  He was driving me craaaaaaazy.

You guys KNOW he is bossy and then super bossy in the car.

C: Don't go.  I'll tell you when

M: I can see Crab

C: No you can't

M: Yes I can

C: But you don't have the same angle

M. I can still see.

C: not as good as me

There are the bossy parking directions

Not here.  Not on this side.  You can park there, there or there.

Ok park right there next to that wall.  The white wall.  Behind the van. No no in front of the van.

I let him out and he goes in the store.  Then shennanigans began in the parking lot and I never even got to finish parking because these two broads in the parking lot were holding up traffic.  He comes right out the store and is all

Why are you parked like that! It looks crazy!

Then we're on a main strip that is hard to find parking on.  He's like "right here.  She's coming out!" while I'm driving past chick.  Mad traffic behind me. What does he expect me to do?  Slam on my brakes and get rear ended? So we are arguing about that and I just pulled over at the bus stop and said "Get out!" Not kicking him out for good.  The store he wanted to go to was across the street.

I told him "I'm taking mental note of everything you are saying cause I'm going home and I'm gonna blog about this."  He said "You do that.  I'm going to facebook about it.  I'm giving you the worst driver award."

Fancy meeting you here

Omg me and Sis went to a local bar to get a drink and guess who is here. Homeboy. 

Sigh.....

I can't.... I can't.... I want him so bad.... I drank... I told him how I wanna fuck him so bad!

I rubbed his thighs He says he wants me too.

But everytime he touches me I say "get off me homeboy! You treat me bad!"

We are supposed to spend they day together tomorrow. And then go to a party at the same bar tomorrow night.

We shall see. If i didn't have to go get mini or need to shave the cooche I do believe I might have fucked the shit out of him tonight

The surprise

Tired.  Saw Crab today. He order me and Mini dinner when he ordered his so I went and picked it up. 

I gave him the surprise I made him.I designed a card for him. It was cute.  It had a gucci background cause that's his favorite with a forest green border and in red writing it said

Dianas top 10 favorite things about Crab

(This is not necessarily the order or exact words but you get it...)

10: he smells like Canali and tropical twist trident gum and it just does something to me
9. He stays giving hoes hope in love on facebook
8. He gives me driving tips and information of proper stopping distances on wet pavement
7. He deals with my crazieness ("I don't wanna touch your hands!")
6. Neutrogena sesame oil glisten all ova his boooody
5. He's incredibly resilient.  He'll always come out ON TOP
4. When he finally sits down in that chair I'm sitting next to
3. He's easy to grocery shop for.  Tuna wheeties minute made berry punch done!
2. Things that are inappropriate to put in a card.  Well they're just inappropriate period

Then in the inside it said

1. He's the best friend Ive ever had and stuff about loving him with every peice of my heart and that adore him and that I'll be his friend forever.

$3 and some dreams

Ah... my Crab is starting to sound like himself again.  Me likey.  I haven't seen him since the day I dropped that food of though.  I'll probably see him tomorrow though.  I made him something special.  I think imma wait until Christmas to give it to him.

It was actually for Valentines day but I think he could use it now so........imma give it to him.

We talked about what we would do if one of us won the mega millions.  We discuss this often.  He usually says he'd get me lots of things house car lots.  Anything I wanted pretty much.  He has picked a new dream car.  Its very sexy.  I told him that if he gets that car I don't want him to get me a car. He can just drop me off places.  And I told him everywhere I go I would make people meet me outside so they can see my fine ass (because I would have been gotten my tummy tuck and butt) kissing my baby goodbye and stepping out.  I told him if I won we could try anything that came to mind as a business just as an activity.  His shoe line would sky rocket because the possibilities would be endless.

If I won I would marry him and move to an island.  He would have to wear white all the time and I would by him a nice bar/lounge/restayrant.  He could do what ever.  Travel etc...  just as long as he always came home.

Sippin on Some Truth Sizzurp

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Honestly people..
I'mma be100% right now.  I don't think I've been being honest with myself therefor in turn you have not gotten honesty.

I want Homeboy to do right so bad!  OMG you guys.... (I'm whining just so you know)

UCB said her boyfriend did the same stuff that drives me insane about Homeboy.  The not calling or texting back thing drives me insane.  It's only been a week since we've been talking again right?  But he needs to at least start off right!  So I say after Christmas it's time to say,

"OK LOOK, WE GONNA DO THIS OR NOT AND IF SO LETS GET A FEW THINGS STRAIGHT!"

Granted he hasn't had any of his mysterious headaches this time.  But still.  He never called back last night.  I'm not calling his ass...

He's mad cute yo! He is...
 I need to stop glancing at the GD phone!  I keep looking at my desk phone like... "Ahem! Ahem!...  Ring Mutha effer... RING!"

Quickie

So I text Homeboy
We should go to lunch today

No response.  This was around 9:30 this morning.

Around 1:00 I text
You're the worst!

Ring ring ring....
H:  Give me chance!
M: Whatever Homeboy.  I'm trying to! You never answer me till like 9 at night!
H: What are you talking about! I've been in the gym.
M: Oh okay.. yeah take care of that body baby.
H: (laughs)
M:  But you didn't text me back till late last night!
H: And I text you that I had a long day... Yes!  Interception!  What are you doing?
M:  Driving
Long silence.
H: Hold on a second...  umm. I'm gonna call you right back.
M: Yeah right Homeboy.
H: I am.  I promise.

5 hours later

I wish I didn't like his ass! Lol!

Get off me yo!

I am trying not to continue the vicious cycle of raising a child that feels rejected.  I try to give Mini affection often but...

THIS DAMN KID WON'T GET OFF ME!

He is always touching me rubbing me.  Looking at me with puppy dog eyes and saying "kiss?"  Or "hug?"

IT GETS ON MY DAMN NERVES!  His dirty little kid fingers are always all over me.  If I give us a foot of space he is either gonna

A: slowly creep over little by teeny little until BOOM he's on right on me

Or

B: Lean his body over until he's damn near laying in my lap

Sometimes I let him but sometimes I tell him to stop touching me stop touching me stop touching me.  I don't want to be mean but to me someone constantly touching me is like locking me in a coffin with 100 torantulas.

See!?  No y'all couldn't see.  He just perched himself to GET ON ME.  Not near me.  Not next to me. ON. ME.
I yelled DUDE NO!
Now he's crying. 
For real... I give him affection but he's just MAD EXTRA with it.  I try to keep a happy medium. But he just makes it an annoying double XL.

Ramblings

Welp.  Haven't spoken to the Crabby Crabster yet today. Its almost 3.  I was texting with his daughter Flip last night.    I like her.  She's a good girl for the most part.  She reminds me a lot of myself.  She unique. 

But most of last night I spent on the phone with Homeboy.  I might let him come over...

Jump forward 7:33. I was buggin earlier.  I am not letting Homeboy come over!

So I've talked to Crab but not Homeboy.  Crab called while we were at basketball practice. 

** Sidebar**  Mini is a real spaz compared to the other kids.  Its kind of embarassing. Not kind of... it is. And he will stand off to himself and dance and spin...

So me and Crab were talking about me and how I don't really have girl friends that I talk to everyday.  I told him Mz. P was that friend and now I don't really have a friend like that.  He said he thinks that I just miss having a girlfriend to talk to everyday but not her because what was there to miss about her.  We also talked about this dude Smooth I'm friends with.  He said he thought it was so strange how he and I talked a lot and he thought Smoothwas probably trying to get with me.  I told him Smooth used to flirt until I just kept shutting him down and telling him not to waste his breathe kicking his game to me.  Now we are really good platonic friends. He seems skeptical though.

I texted Homeboy today.  No answer.  Several hours later I called. No answer. Hmph not surprised.  And y'all don't be surprised when I tell you in May that Homeboy called and acted like it hasn't been five months...

Let's see though.  Who knows.  He might suprise me.

Probably won't though...

A "friend" of mine said she likes...

Sigh okay... where shall we start today...

Crab because there isn't much.  We had a halfway deep convo where I was telling him that I don't try and manipulate him. He swears I do.  For my newer folks.... I'm manipulative.  Point blank. No need to elaborate at the moment.  So I was telling him how I consider my feelings and our relationship and how I deal with him to be very pure and untainted.  I told him I have no hopes dreams expectations for us.  If we progress great.  But I enjoy us and don't constantly hope for more from him. But I do want more sometimes but I'm not always trying to get to a place with him. I enjoy us most of the time. So I have no need to try and manipulate him.

Homeboy called tonight. We sat on the phone for maybe an hour and a half.  I was like..

M: Omg let me ask you something.  I have a friend but for the sake of the question let's just say its me ok...?
H: Ok
M: so what if we were doing it (yeah he says doing it so...) and I wanted you to slap me?
H:  Where?  Like in the face?
M: Yeah
H. I'd be like what is wrong with you?
M:  So you wouldn't do it?
H: NO!  It's you isn't it? Oh my god its you!
M:  No this girl I know!
H:i this girl asked me to choke her once!
M: uh yeah! You've never heard of that?
H: I have but I would never do that.  I'm a freak and all I mean I like freaky stuff but that's crazy
M:  she likes her dude to spit in her mouth too.
H: WHAT?  THAT'S DISGUSTING! I mean I'll share a drink with you and all but I'm not letting someone spit in my mouth.
M:  Not spit in your mouth you spit in hers.
H: no that's disgusting. Why would someone do that?
M: Different people like different things I guess.

I was cracking up!

I would really have to get him comfortable and get him to experiment.

Homeboy and I are going to go see the tree at Rockerfeller Center.  At least that's what we planned on.  Let's see how that plays out.  I told him I wanted to see the Macy's windows too.  I haven't gone to see the Macy's windows since I was a teenager.  So I wonder if its really going to happen.  I gotta do my hair or something...

Weekend plans or lack thereof

Ahhh... Friday.  I have no idea what will be going down this weekend.  Most likely a lot of nothing.  PIC called and it sounds like she wants to do something but....

Here's the thing...

Every single time we are supposed to go out, she lets her dude swoop down and ruin it.  Now we know that I am not one from stopping a chick from being with her man because odds are, while I'm hanging out with you I'm plotting my exit to go to Crab's.  Odd are.  But there's a line that's drawn.  First of all.  If I tell you I'm gonna hang with you I will.  Even if I leave and go to Crab's after. That means the entire night might be cut short by say a half hour.  Instead of 2, I leave at 1:30.  Got me?

This is what happen last week.

• Wed says she needs me to go out with her Friday. She calls during the day Friday and tells me her older daughter will babysit and I should bring Mini over right away and then go get dressed.  Mini and I had an after work agenda so I didn't get him over there until about 8:30.  
• I go home to get dressed she calls and says her daughter was going out.  
• A couple of hours later she calls and says we can still go because her Aunt is upstairs and as soon as the kids fall asleep we can go.  By this time I'm under the covers talking on the phone to my Crab.  
• She calls me around 12 and she's like OK I'm bout to get dressed.  -_-  I'm bout to fall asleep.  I was not trying to go anywhere!

Saturday - Ok she's hyped up.  She wants to go!  I say ok...and call Cat Daddy and tell him lets hook up.  He's like "cool".  She kept Mini Friday night so I take her daughter (the little one) with me for the day.  Let her chill all day.  I pick up dinner.  Get back to her house at like 8.  We eat.  Her dude calls.  They argue.  We go into her bedroom with a little vodka whateva and she's like

P: Oh... what am I gonna wear?
M:  I don't know what to wear.  Where are we gonna go?
P: I'm going out with Band (Band is her dude)
M: Oh.
P: You can still leave Mini here though..

Then in walks Band...

I packed my son up and bounced.

This is the like the third time that she did that.  When she hung up with Band she should have said something... not wait until I'm all "So where are we gonna go?" and then be like Nowhere.  That is so fucking disrespectful to me.  Me and PIC get along great but when she does shit like that I get so pissed.

So yesterday she's all, "So what's going on this weekend?  I wanna go out!  I broke it off with Band."

-_-  Really?  I told her I was trying to hook up with Homeboy this weekend so...

jumper

Not that Crab is the suicidal type but sometimes you never know when someone is.  A lot of the times it's the one you lease expect. When people get really really depressed it scares the shit out of me.  I've known a few people who have committed suicide and it's the fucking pits.  Especially with no letter.  

That's why I think I want to just show up and comfort him.  He sounds BAD.  I mean BAD.  I'm at work so I have to keep from crying but there is not a smile in him.  Being on the phone is mad uncomfortable because I'm trying to fill it with meaningless chatter. Everday I ask if I can come over and he says "I'll call you..." and then doesn't.  I want to just go.  Because he is never gonna say yes.  And a lot of times we FEEL like we wanna be alone but once someone just bullies you into letting them in it really does feel better.

I take shit like this so seriously.  You have to...

Jangle Jangle

Idea!  Idea!  I HAVE A MUTHA EFFIN IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My babycakes is sad.  So sad... His youngest daughter will probably spend Christmas with her mother or her husband's family. And he will once again be alone. So I will have a Christmas Dinner for my Sweetest.  I will barge in the house like the Christmas Gustapo with all types of soulful Christmas food and love for my SugarPieHoneyBunch LOVE!  I'mma make a Whispers Christmas Song Playlist and some Christmas Tree Air freshner and we are gonna have Christmas.  I'mma buy him a bunch of cheap affordable gifts

- Haynes V-Neck White Undershirts
- Garnier Fructis Frizz Control Conditioner
- Wheeties
- Tide with Febreeze
- Glade Angel Whispers Candles
- Bananas
- Neutrogena Lip Balm
- Neutrogena Sesame Oil

Rough + Day = Hermit Crab

:(

:(

:(

Crab called. I was right.  It was a really hard day for him which is why I didn't hear from I'm all day.    I did disclose what needed to be very lightly.

M: Homeboy called
C: Oh yeah? 
M: Yeah.  He said he wanted to be together. 
C: What? He wants to be together?
M: I told him I didn't know what was up with him. He said he didn't know either. I told him when he figures it out then we can talk about it.
C:  Hmm

That was that.  So I told him enough and that's that.

In this corner...

Answer to Laki about how Homeboy makes me feel as opposed to Crab.
It is totally different.  Crab I look to for guidance.  I look up to him.  He teaches me.  I feel his strength and he is very manly.  I feel protected and sheltered by him.  I feel the need to make him proud of me.  I feel the need to better myself to be closer to him.  Physically I love every thing about him.  That is what initially attracted me to Homeboy.  He is the same complextion, build, height, style.  He doesn't wear all gucci and ferragamo like Crab but he definitely has the style I like. And me and Crab definitely laugh together a lot which I love.

Homeboy definitely gives me butterflies.  I like hugging him. Kissing him.  I never revealed my hangups to him so he isn't funny about giving me affection.  We hold hands across the table.  Sit close together.  I don't think I will ever tell him.  Or any other man for that matter.  It makes it easier to pretend like its natural.  With Homeboy I feel more like we are equals.  We are on the same level career wise I think. I mean Crab is higher than me which is to be expected.  But he too is a professional so I guess there is no difference career wise between any of the three of us.   Homeboy and I  have a very similar sense if humor.  We laugh and giggle.  He's funny.  In a dry way.  I like that tho.  But he giggles which is super cute.

I can't say I would have that "he knows what to do" feeling.  Like I call Crab for advice.  I don't see me calling Homeboy because I have more life experience than him. 

Physically I'm totally attracted to him.  He was so sexy when I met him.  Last night we told each other how we remembered what each other had on that night.  He described my dress and told me how good it looked on me.  I described his perfectly fitted v-neck navy shirt army green shorts and perfect white sneakers and aviator sunglasses.  He was just so perfect looking. Pretty. I like em pretty.

But most importantly I can imagine a future with Homeboy.  I can imagine more.  He always say how he wants to marry me and make babies right away.  This is something I can actually imagine happening if he wasn't flakey. With Crab I can't imagine anything like getting married.  I imagine things like... us going to the movies or the mall together.  That is as far as I can dream up with him.  Because of him though.  Not me.  I can't imagine him wanting more with me.

I guess this all says a lot. 
This is not necessarily the time to be making any moves though.  My Baby needs me in his corner right now.

Clarification... and Enchiladas Mmmmmmm

Hey Y'all.  I don't want y'all to think that I've gone crazier than I already am.  I am in no way trying to jump in Homeboy's boat.

But I am looking at things objectively.  I cant see my whole thirties go by without living it.  Crab is great and I love him with every little piece of my heart.  But... I gotta love me more.  I gotta want more for me.  I just refuse to do anything I don't want to do.  I don't want to date other people just to do it.  I need a spark I need real raw attraction.  I'm  not into getting to know someone to see if I eventually feel something.  I want I feel your presence from across the room heat.  Thus the reason I opted to stay seeing Crab until something really sparked my interest. Plus I just didn't want to be without him.  Just the thought of it would send me crying.  Remember the time Crab and I weren't speaking and I watched and episode of Spongebob when Gary left Spongebob for Patrick and the song Spongebob sang about Gary caused me to have a breakdown. Yeah this is the shit I avoid.  I stay for a variety of reasons.  Some All of these reasons probably not too healthy.

The reason I'm willing to see what is up with Homeboy again is because he is the only one I've been truly interested in.  He's the only other spark.  I've dated a couple.  Some I haven't mentioned here because the weren't even worth it.  (and I didn't tell Crab so...) Anyway.  You should hear me and Homebody together.  Half the time we are laughing so hard we can't get out what we are trying to say. We have a lot in common personality wise.  We are definitely very attracted to each other and we are on the same page parenting wise.  So maybe he's approaching more of a settling down phase.

I told him about the surgery.  He's so nervous.  He said wants to be there.  He wants to come and see me go in and be there when I wake up.  That's the kind of companionship I've been looking for.  Now Homeboy or not, ask me if Crab came to the hospital when I was there for a week getting blood transfusions this summer?  Ask me if I even think he will come see me after the transplant.

So I'm not saying I'm leaving Crab alone and I'm gonna be with Homeboy.  Just that my eyes are open to the possibilities of having the whole enchilada.  And I love Enchiladas!

Why don't we just be together?

Oh God...  he wants to be together.  Homeboy says he wants to be together... I'm scared... what is going to happen?

Oh... I went back to look for posts about Homeboy but there were none.  I'm imagining he is from before I deleted everything and started over. So....  here goes a homeboy cliffnotes

Summer 2009  I think.  I went to a cookout with my girls.  We walked straight to the back but there weren't enough seats so I was standing.  There were some guys sitting there too and I saw him.  He was just my type and so so fine.   He got up from his seat and brought a chair to me.  I thanked him and my heart kind of skipped a couple of beats.  He was absolutely the first person i'd found attractive since getting involved with Crab. I told my friends I had to have him.  There was no way I was leaving without his number.  That's when I started ultimate thirst. Staring.  Looking him up and down.  Major major signals.  But there was another guy chatting me up so I made sure to stare past him and look Homeboy dead in his eyes never taking my gaze off of him.  As soon as other dude left for a second Homeboy swooped in.  He was sweet.  A little shy even.

We hit it off immediately. But there was one little thing.  He was 7 years younger than me. Like I said before he comes from a great family and he's a single dad of a little boy who will be 4 in March.  Anyway.  We really hit it off.  Eventualy he was telling me he loved me.  He wanted to marry me asap because he wanted kids with me and apparently I don't have much time!  He said he wasn't ready to meet me.  He hadn't been ready to find the person he wanted to spend his life with.  Mind you I never gave up the coche cause I don't go around passing out bodyparts.

So anyway... we did have a makeout session that came close.  A little after that he started disappearing.  Two days...  a week... a couple of months...  he would say how sorry he was.  How bad he wanted to be with me abd then he would disappear again. Eventually over a year.  Until today. 

I never held a grudge.  He is young.  But I swear it was like we picked back up right where we left off. And he said "we should just be together."  I said "yeah but I just don't know what's up with you." He said he doesn't either.  I told him when he figures it out I hope I'm the first one he calls.  We then talked for hours and he promised to call me tomorrow at work.

He is the only one I've ever wanted other than Crab over these past few years I've been single.  He's the only other one I had any type of feeling for. I don't know how to be cause I'm really happy to talk to him again.

Is Homeboy Back?

So I called him back.  Initially he called me when I was just getting to date night with Mini.  He was like "you STILL do that?!"

It was pretty loud so I told him I'd call him back.

Here's the thing about Homeboy.  Although he was so flaky, he's the only one I was ever really interested in other than Crab. I find him extremely attractive.  We can talk and laugh.  And did I say how attracted to him I am.  Yeah.  I'm pretty attracted to him.

When it comes to family and power and status we are on the same level.  Actually his family (grandfather is famous and I'm sure you would all know who he is) is probably a little higher in status.  When people found out we were seeing each other it was like "oh that's perfect."

Sigh... what would I do.  What would I do if he stopped being flaky.  Could I have it all?  Could I have EVERYTHING I really wanted?

Blast From the Recent Past

Oh my gosh!  Guess who called tonight?!  Homeboy!  I'm bout to call him back then I'll tell y'all what he had to say!

Ramblage

OMG!  I'm suffering from EXTREME HUNGER the past couple of days.  MY GOD.  I am just hungry as hell!  This morning I had a coffee, 2 pieces of toast and an egg.  That should have been cool.  but then I got hungry again so I grabbed a Naked Power C Machine smoothie.  Killed that.  Now it's 11:41 and I'm STRAVING.....

I'm back.  Crab called.  He had a possible silver lining today.  I am praying that this work opportunity pans out for him or else Crab will be without a gig!  So that would be just another punch to the gut if this doesn't work.  Technically after tomorrow he will be without a job. Sooooo... gut already punched.  Just hopefully it won't get too bad.

Today I told him I'm his girlfriend I don't care what he says. I'm claiming me for FOR him and he officially has a girlfriend.  I told him we have the following

-We are bestest friends
-We do nasty things
-We don't do nasty things with other people
-We hold each other down through troubles
-I love him
-He loves me even though he doesn't say it a lot.
and that's all we need!

He laughed and said so that's all we need huh?  You're just gonna make yourself my girlfriend?  That's how it works?  I told him that's how it's gonna work.  That's what it is and that I couldn't claim him for myself because he doesn't want to be claimed by me and he doesn't have to tell the world that I'm his girlfriend but I am.  And i told him watch...  when you're sixty  it's gonna hit you like ding ding ding ding diiiing.  I LOVE THAT GIRL!  And he's gonna be all "I wanna be with you" and I'm gonna be all "Baby, you were never without me."

Then I told him lets go away for the weekend.  Lets go to Baltimore.  And he said "What are we gonna do in Baltimore.  And I said go to the harbor and to the aquarium and hold hands. And he laughed and said "Go to lunch I'm going to go get a coffee."  and I said OK!

Big Ol Cry Baby!

Last night I wrote a long letter to Crab.  I just reread it.  I must have been very tired and feeling very much in love cause it was ridiculously syrupy sweet.  I deleted it.  I think this came about because he sounded like he had just seen is dog get run over by a semi. I totally get it though. But depending on how much of a dog lover you are I think what he is going through right now is worst.

Sidebar - if you have not tried the Archer Farms Pineapple and Peach Salsa from Target yet... you are totally missing out

Anyway...
He sounds better today but the situation hasn't changed.  I hope he can work this shit out.

I just thought about sucking his toes... out of no where.  Made me giggle.

Anyway...
He just called.  I'm crying now.  I hate that he has to go through this.  I hate that he is so depressed.  I hate that all of this is not his fault.  I hate that his daughter totally fucked him up.  I hate that he is avoiding me. He is so depressed that he doesn't really want to see me.  Here was the convo

C: Hello
M: Yeah. I called to see if you changed your mind and wanted me to pick you up from the train.
C: No actually Ex (his ex wife) is gonna meet me and come over to get paper work to put the kids back in school
M: Oh Ok. Good (I said good b/c of the grandkids.  I'm glad they are back and getting back to their normal lives again.  I never tell you guys about them b/c, well they are kids and his business.  Y'all understand...)
C: Where's Mini?
M: I didn't pick him up yet.
C: What are you doing?
M:  Cooking and playing with my makeup.  I wanna see you this week Crab.  I know your down and all but it may feel better if you see me.
C:  So I get to feel better for like 15 minutes
M:  I haven't seen you in like forever... (translation 3 days)
C: I know...
M:  And I'll do it how you like it...
C:  Oh I know that
M: It's gonna get better.
C: That's what we keep saying but it keeps getting worst.
M: I know it is! You know why?
C: why?
M: I'm looking in the sky...
C: *laughs*
M: No. No. Really. I'm looking in the sky and it's like all clouds but there is one greenery hole and in the middle is a rainbow!

THIS IS WHERE I STARTED TO CRY

M: Ok, well I miss you I want to see you.
C:  ok. I'm gonna give you a buzz later
M:  **Shakey voice trying not to let him hear me cry** okay...

So sensitive. I wish I wasn't. I wish i was one of those strong types that almost never cry. You know that Campbell's soup commercial with the kid who goes to the foster home and he's all sad, then he gets a grilled cheese sammi and a bowl of tomato soup. Yeah that used to invoke at least 5-8 min of bawling.

Anyway. I wish I could fix it. I wish he would take my help. My family knows a lot of people in positions to help. I got him a lawyer who would have given him advice. A lawyer who was just elected county surrogate. He told me he would get his paperwork together and we could call and then he never called back.  He should take advantage of knowing me. Not to be funny but for real. It has advantages. Whenever I want certain services for free I use my maiden name. Although my dad says sometimes he wishes I wouldn't. Because when people do things for me for free they call him and say... "I saw Diana the other day." Then they ask him for a favor. Sometimes larger than the favor that was given to me.  Mind you I dont ask for free stuff. It's just given gratis.  But when I told him about Crab's issue he immediately told me to call his lawyer.  He should take the help...

Mini's BDay Party

I rocked.  I skated.  I rolled. I bounced.  And now I'm gonna crash.  After a shower of course cause I'm funky!

Protect Your Neck

So yesterday PIC called and wanted to got out.  Apparently she had met a new dude and wanted me to go with her to meet up for drinks.   So knowing that I said I wasn't going to be out of control and all I called Crab.

M: PIC wants to go out tonight so I'm going out with her.
C:  So.  Go.  You don't have to tell me.  You don't have to check in with me go.
M: I was just telling you...
C:  You don't have to tell me anything.  I don't care what you do.  You could say your going to the moon and I'd be like "see you when you get back"

This is what pissed me off.  Why so asshole-ish?  So I wanted to show him just how much he did care.  But then I thought about it.  A lot of things are going super wrong for him right now.  Really bad... really bad... is now the time to fuck with his head?  Because he had an attitude?  No. That's selfish. Really selfish.

So later he calls and asks more details.  I told him all of the who's what's when's where's and why's.  He thought it was stupid that she wanted me to come along.  He said that dude was probably bringing a friend.  I told him no.  I told him I usually do my own thing when we go out.  I like talking to new people, guys and girls.  He said "I wouldn't know because I've never seen you out". (Not true but... whatever).  We talk some more he told me not to get drunk and call him and text him over and over. I told him "I'm not going to be thinking about you.  I'm NOT thinking bout you". And he whatevered me.  So we end the convo.

Later I'm in Toys R Us letting Mini pick his bday gift and talking on the phone when he calls.  I answer. 

C: yeah I just wanted to call before you go out and tell you to bring protection with you tonight.
M:  Like a knife?!  I don't have knife.
C:   (laughting) No! A condom.
M: oh please.  I'm not trying to fuck.  I just want "one man... one man only" - in my Will Farrell Blades of Glory/Niggas in Paris voice.  I'll try and call before I

He laughs and says.  I was just joking.

Mmmmm hmmmmm. Yeah he was....

Long story short. Well long story a little bit shorter we ended up not going out and I ended up talking to Crab off and on all night.

Nevermind. That's my baby! Sigh....

I'm off Crab for like a week.
He just pissed me off.

WATCH ME DO IT!

SHUT IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so yesterday was fairly productive.  Brought cupcakes to my son's school.  Put up the Christmas tree, cleaned cleaned cleaned.  Then went and scooped up my Crab.  We ran errands.  I now want to fight the girls in the bank because they were real extra with the telling him how good he smelled.  Really extra and he was eating that shit up.  He was.  And then he got a haircut.  Then I dropped him at the accountant (Cat Daddy)  and I went and got Mini, bought him some pizza and then by that time Crab was done and Me and Mini went to get him.  Then we went to Walgreen's.  Then me and Mini went home and played his new Wii that he got for his birthday.  Today me and Crab are gonna get him a couple of games.

Crab is a Passenger Seat driver if I ever had one.  My God!

C:  Why didn't you make that right?
M: You didn't tell me to.
C:  You need someone to say it?
M: Yes....
C:  No you don't.  You don't need me or anyone to tell you what to do.

***Five minutes later I'm pulling into Walgreens***

C:   Don't park over there.
M:  Yeah I'm parking over there.
C:   Park right there
M:  No I wanna park...
C:  Didn't I tell you to park right there?
M: I thought I didn't need anyone telling me what to do....

Here are a couple of his favorites that STAY on repeat.

"Could you please stop riding dude's bumper?  Cause I don't wanna hear your mouth when he slams on the brake"
"Why is he riding his brakes!?  Don't do that you'll ruin your brakes"
"You know stopping distances are greater on wet pavement"
"Go.  Go.  After this car...  Ahhhh  what are you doing?  I'm telling you because I'm the one who can see!  You need new glasses!"
"Oh so you stop on yellow's now?"
"Cut the wheel.... Cut the wheel..."
"Go straight.  None of your 'shortcuts' today"

I have been driving with a valid NJ driver's license for 17yrs.  I swear the only time he gets on my nerves is when I'm driving.

How soon we forget....

Convo just now...

M:  My friend sent out a blast today that she'd be at The Hangout Sunday.

C:  I never heard of that. Where's that at?

M: Downtown past Penn Station. I might go.

C: She's gonna be down there doing what?

M: Bartending

C: oh so your drinking already?

M: oh yeah no... um I'd probably just uh... I forgot!

Damn Y'all. I forgot I wasn't drinking THAT FAST! 

Transplant Time!

Home today.  Its my little Mini's seventh birthday.  This exact moment seven years ago I was asleep in an OR getting mini pulled out of my tummy.  Oh the memories...

I went to my Crab after work...
Sidebar - I just realized I've been calling him my Crab.  I usually call him my *insert real name here* in real life. Like its his name.  I love my Crab.

Anyway.  I gave him extra special attention and it sure was amaaaazing!  So amazing. Its amazing...  sigh

He should be leaving work early today and we will be running around handling what he needs to do.  I'm just crossing my fingers that it can all be done and done properly.  It has to be.

In other news,  the transplant is scheduled.  January 10th I will be giving my dad a kidney.  So relieved.  Its been a long journey.  I was apparently close to my own demise is August.  I didn't know I was so sick.  But I'm better now and well enough to make my daddy better.  I talked to my brother last night and he was surprised to hear I would be the one donating.  I've been talking about it for a year so I don't know why he didn't know that.  When we first found out about my dad I called him for a so what do we do now... when are you going to get tested.... convo and he gave me a "not me. I might need both of my kidneys" answer so I said fuck it.  Its just me and that's okay.  I can do it.  So my brother thanked me for doing this and said he's going to come and stay with me until I'm well enough to go back to work.  He said he's submitting for FMLA today.  I feel good about that.  I really do.  My big brother wanting to take care of me... that feels nice. 

So I'm super excited about seeing my brother.  It been five years.  And I'm super excited about helping my daddy.

Just, you know... talking.

My Crab is having another rough time.  It seems like every other month life comes along and punches him dead in the face.  At first he seemed so unaffected.  He would adjust or fix and keep it moving.  But as time goes I see things are taking more time to recover from.  He's so stressed and with good reason.

As a woman its so hard to tell when to back off with the supportive stuff.  He's so strong but I know he probably needs a shoulder sometimes.  He probably needs a hug every now and then.  But one thing I can say is when shit gets really bad he talks to me.  And sometimes I just listen because there is nothing that I can do to help.  Other times I try and make him laugh.  Other times I can help and I do.  So I will just give him whatever support he asks for right now and if he wants to talk about it I'm sure he will.

Sigh... My Crabby Crab Crabster.  I just want the best for him always.

Later on the same day

I talked to my Crab.  I told him I wished I could be there with him.  He said "I know you do".  Then I sat on the phone with him in silence.  Him doing whatever he needed to do.  Me doing my work.  But I liked that he didn't hang up.  He just kept me on the phone while we both did what we needed to do. It was like the closest I could be to sitting next to him!  :)  Every now and then he'd say "What are you doing"  and I'd say "working"  and then we'd just continue.  Eventually he started telling me about what he was doing/needed to do.  I'm pretty good at what he needed to do so I told him to forward me his documents and I went to work on them.  YAY!  I was able to help!

The Sex

I felt like I should speak a little more about the sex stuff because I'm not even sure who's reading anymore or what they know.
I think I explained how I feel about the spitting.  The spitting in the mouth like I said makes me feel close to him.  It feels kind of like bonding to me.
The spitting in the face just turns me on.  When I first met Crab he had given me a stack of porn to watch.  There is this one chick Bella Donna and I liked her.  Crab said he liked her too because she was nasty.  I realized that was what appealed to me about her too.  And one day while I was sucking his dick he kept telling me how nasty I was.  He kept calling me a nasty bitch.  And it turned me on to know I was being nasty like Bella Donna.  Id never had a man talk to me like that. It had never occured to me how much I would like it.  So. One day he said
Open your mouth.  I'm gonna spit it your mouth okay?  I said okay and I opened wide and he spit in my mouth.
I felt electricity through me.  It gave me such a charge.  It tasted good.  He was chewing gum.  The smell of his gum always turned me on because on our first date he talked so closely to me that the smell of his cologne mixed with the smell of his gum smelled so good.  So to taste the gum in his spit tasted like what I had always associated with just the smell or essence of him.  So now his spit is like the essence of him. To me it is sensual and connecting.   Like making love. And the the whole act of it is unusual and and different. I like that about it.
Spitting in my face is just nasty and I love the nastyness of it.

The slapping.  When I get a good hard slap feels like a release.  Relief.  Now I'm in no way saying I'm a cutter.  But I'm not saying that I haven't done it.  Of course I have.  I'm fucked up.  But that's what I would feel anytime I ever did that. (which might be like twice like 19/20 yrs ago) Relief.  I like to experience physical pain if I feel emotional pain because it makes the pain more tangible.  The idea of slapping came from the spitting.  The spitting got my mind going.  It made me realize I had another part to my sexuality that I never explored.  And to learn this while I was involved with someone who was so open to sexuality was perfect.  If I said to him it would really turn me on if rubbed me with ketchup and corn flakes he wouldn't even bat an eye.  He would go get the ketchup and corn flakes.  That's something I love about him.  He realizes different people like different things.  He also likes to see women enjoy sex.  So anyway I had no problem looking up at him one night and telling him slap me.  He asked if I was sure.  I told him yes and he did.  I'd never ever been slapped before by anyone.  So it was a bit of a shock.  My face was stinging so bad.  So I told him slap the other side.  I'm a libra. I need balance.  That balanced the sting out. 
When I got home he called and said he was a little uncomfortable and didn't understand where it came from. I told him I had been thinking about it and wanting it but if it made him uncomfortable than he didn't need to do it again.  He said it was ok. He just needed to know where it came from.  Ever since then that's what we've done.
Then something told me I wanted to be on a leash.  So... we got a leash. And I like that a lot too.  When I have the leash on, every now and then he'll yank me away from his dick and I struggle for a second to get back to it.I love submission.  Its not only the feeling of belonging to him that I love but I also feel protected and safe.  Its an extreme feeling of well being.  It feels like being nurtured. 
We also use toys.  There a big dildo that he likes to see me fuck myself with.  It's REALLY big.  Like an arm. So big that I can't put it in myself.  He has to start it.  It took a while for me to do it.  He would just say next time your gonna use it.  And then one time it was the next time.  I get very little pleasure from the dildo.  But there are times when I enjoy it more than others and there are times when I want it.  There is also the glass dildo that we've used on me anally.  I fuck myself with the dildo while he fucks my ass with the glass dildo.
And then there is straight up him fucking me in the ass which we both like.  I like to play with my clit while he does it and it makes me cum sooooooo hard! He seems to cum when I do I think from hearing how good it is to me.
Sigh....
Yup that is our sex life

A Little This. A Little That

So I've enlisted Flip (Crab's daughter) to help me with a little gift to him.  I'm not sure if he reads this because I gave him access to the blog a while ago.  He could be reading and acting like he isn't.  So I'm not gonna say what it is cause I want it to be a surprise surprise surprise! Although I don't think that he realizes that he can read it.  He's incredibly forgetful although he tends to think that he isn't. It's gonna be so funny when he sees it!  He's gonna say... What is this? You made this? Oh my God... and then he's gonna LAUGH!  And not for nothing, but he has a great laugh and if it's really funny he always says Ahhhhhh..... at the end!

ANYWAY.... I was talking to her for a while before I left his house yesterday.  She was all
"Didn't I see you Saturday"  (when I was stalking him)
I was like "No..."
she was like
"Yes I did."
I was like "Oh... yeah... I don't know... yeah you did... I think...I don't know... uh yeah"

I was trying to avoid Him hearing and getting to talking about it again.  Did I ever tell you that?  Crab will have the SAME conversation with me asking THE SAME question 7 or 8 times.  I have had THE SAME EXACT conversation with him at LEAST 6 times since Saturday.  And I mean THE SAME conversation.  And each time he carries the conversation like it was never had 5 times already.  But I just try and make sure I'm consistent with my answers as to not cause a bigger mess.  Simple answers.

Yes.
No.
I'm not sure.
Yes I know.
No I don't know.
I'm not sure why he gave me the money.
I don't know.
No there wasn't a lot of conversation.
Yes.
Yes he just put the money in front of me.
Yeah I don't know Crab.
No I didn't even really say much.
All I said is that the girls were too skinny.
I don't know why I got mad.
No I am not bullshitting you, really, I don't remember...

I started to say "Do we have to talk about this again?"  But I just shut my mouth cause I did it.  If all I gotta do is keep answering the same questions so be it.  I made my bed right?  And now he has the right to do what he needs to do to make peace with it and eventually move on.

Flip's baby shower is Saturday and she said she really wants me to come.  I would love to but I don't know... I know him and his ex wife get along sometimes but most of the time he seems to despise her and he said that she has been rude to girlfriends in the past.  I don't want to go and have any tension because it's a day for Flip and the baby.  Not for being the a point of tension.  I may just go see her before the shower and give her a gift and tell her to have a great time at her shower.  I'm so excited about the baby though!  It's a boy.  He'll be a Jr.  He's gonna be teeny tiny!  I can't wait to hold him.  And I can't wait till she comes home so I can take the baby and give her time to rest and all!  Do my 'Grandpa's Pseudo Girlfriend's' duties! Of course she has a husband for all of that, but still. Oh.... Babies are so wonderful.  Especially the kind that aren't your responsibility! They're great!

SaaaaaaLap!

Oh I love Crab.

I just love him

But I was just at his house and I asked him "Can you please slap me today?" He seemed reluctant.  I don't think he likes for me to like to be slapped when I've done something bad.  I think he thinks its a little sick.  He asked me why.  I told him because I deserve it.  But he did and it felt good.  He spit too.  But he asked where I wanted it. Face or mouth.  I chose mouth.  It makes me feel close to him when its the mouth. I opened my mouth and he spit it it and before I knew it slap!  He slapped the shit out of me.  Just how I like it.  I hate it when he slaps me lightly. I like it to sting and I like the sound of it. I like for it to come out of nowhere too.

Return of the Psycho Drunk Bitch

I've done it again.

I've gone and got drunk and acted a fool.  Wait.  Correction.  Acted a Damned Fool.  Yup.  Saturday night.  Things were cool.  Me and the Sis were are the strip club.  Dudes buying us drinks.  Giving me money to tip.  And then Sis left.  I stuck around hitting on some chick (not a stripper) and tipping the laziest strippers I've ever seen.  I thanked the dudes for my drinks and the dollars and then ... Dun Dun Duuuuun went to find a one Mr. Crab.  I called.  No answer.  So then I proceeded to CALL and CALL and CALL and CALL.  then my calls started going straight to VM. Sooooo....I went by The Spot and saw my family friend Buddah who knows the deal.  I pulled up and said "Is he in there?"
"No"
"You Sure?"
"No.  He isn't."
I pulled off
I go to Crab's house where I sat in my car and proceeded to send text after text after CA-RAZY text.  Nada.  I saw an unfamiliar car in the driveway which prompted me to believe he was in there with someone.  Then my friend Smooth called.  I told him what I was doing and he just said "Yo.  Stop! You need to take your ass to the crib and go to sleep.  Why are you being so crazy?!?!  I can't believe you."
Eventually Crazy Me bounced and Rational me was sitting in a car outside of Crab's house and said "OH SHIT!  What have you done?" and rational me sent a text that said
"Sorry.  Forget I just did that."
and then Crazy me peaked her head back out and sent a text that said "No but for real though where you at and why are you ignoring my calls?"
Then rational me was like "let me go home..."
and I did.  But every 30 minutes or so I would wake up and call his phone to see if I was still going to VM.  I was.
The next morning I texted sorry.  I called.  No answer.  I knew I'd pissed him off bad.  I called more.  Straight to VM.  I knew he was sending me straight to VM and I felt so sorry.  But I knew I deserved it.  Eventually I texted.
"Please just give me a chance to apologize."
He called.
I said I was sorry.  I answered questions of Why.  Why do I drink like this?  Why was I driving?  Why do I keep doing this?  Why would I stay in an unfamiliar place by myself?  Why Why Why...  And I gave answers.   Not excuses though because there was no excuse.  He said he accepted my apology but really didn't want to speak to me.  I told him I understood and would wait for him to call.  I figured I'd probably hear from him by Tuesday.

But he called back about an hour later.  We talked more.  He felt I was trying to BS him saying I didn't know why I would do these things.  he doesn't believe me that it won't happen again.  He doesn't believe me when I say I won't drink like that anymore...  I told him I promised.
I'm gonna keep my promise.  I promise...

Uh oooooh.... I drank too much and lost it... Crazy texting... Not good...

Shadow Boxing

So I think I'm going to revisit the more I love the less I trust him.

It seems as time goes by I trust Crab less and less. But I don't think it has anything to do with anything he's done.  It has more to do with my own feeling of be vulnerable.  I hate feeling vulnerable.  I'm not sure I ever really let myself go with anyone and slowly but surely I'm having a hard time keeping emotions in a box.  They are spilling out here and there.  Like the night I kissed him.  I just layed one on him.  It was so natural. Unplanned.  Relaxed.  It felt just fine. And I did it again and again and again.  I even hugged him.  Like for a minute.  I didn't let go.  Easily.  Things like that don't happen with me easily.  This would be the regular way things happen...

I would say in my head

You should kiss him. I want to kiss him but if I do he may not want to be kissed and who wants to kiss someone when they don't want to kiss and what if i taste like the vodka I was drinking.  I don't want to taste like vodka. Ok on three.  One two thr... well I don't know he looks like he's gonna get up. Oh he got up never mind.  Oh he's sitting back down do it now.  Okay now. Damn well. On three again.  One two you can't. You can't.  It'll just be weird.  Don't do it.

That is how things go.  But lately its a little easier. And that makes me feel really... naked and completely unprotected.  How do I protect myself when I am letting myself feel things uncontrolled.  I need my emotions to be controlled at all times.  So how do I deal with that lack of control?  I become defensive.  I have to defend myself.  But how do you defend yourself from someone who is not attacking you?  You convince yourself that they are somehow. You don't know how but they are.

But I'm not fighting him. It isn't him I take issue with.  Its me.  I take issue with me touching him kissing him and allowing my love to be expressed without any reigns.  So I fight myself.  This self that is being reckless with my heart.  I throw jabs at her.

"He doesn't even really like you like that"
"He is gonna drop you soon! This can't last"
"You are so stupid"
"You should be embarassed"
And then I lash out at him.  But I'm not mad at him.

I'm just terrified of me.

Reward?

So last night I thought about how I was supposed to be rewarded for my good behavior. Good behavior being not getting jealous (or at least not showing it). Me not halfway breaking up or asking to open up to me dating other men, me not getting attitudes about him giving me driving directions. Me not giving my phone number out. Just you know... me not causing drama. So I was to be rewarded with a new toy and/or some you know... back shots. True back shots. (Yes this is what I asked for. Yes me the one who accused him of treating my like a sex object) so I call...

 M: Hey... I just wanted to say goodnight before you go out.
C: Ok.
 M: Listen... Um you know how I was gonna get rewarded?
C: Huh?
 M: Yeah. You know for being good and all?
C: You've been good? (laughing) Oh so you've been good?
M: Yeah... I was good for weeks. You know. Before I messed up.
C: So you DO realize you messed up?
M: Uh huh... yeah... Well I mean. Can I still get my reward since I was good for weeks. Even though I messed up, I think I should still get my reward for all the other weeks that I've been good.
C: I don't know. Maybe...We'll see. Most likely.
 M: Um ok... Well goodnight
C: Good night. I'll give you buzz in the morning
M: Ok Good night

Now mind you Reading this it may sound just weird. To me it was an incredibly sexy conversation because this is how some of our best times start out. Usually I did something crazy at The Spot. We walk into his room. He starts going on about me acting up while he undresses. I apologize while groping him. And then we have a great time! So that conversation made me a little excited. I closed my eyes and fell right asleep!

Take A Ride On The PPMD Train

So last night I tweeted about Crab while he was talking.  When I left he got on twitter and came across said tweets and called me and was like "I see your going in on me on twitter." I had said

The story is always prefaced with "before i met you..." ugh! I cant...  not the time of the month for stories about bitches...

I tried to laugh it off.  He said he has to start his stories like that because if he didn't Id be all "who is she" and get all jealous.  But have we noticed I've been off that jealousy shit lately? But I had decided to blog out my frustrations.

Well after I ranted on the blog I then called Crab and told him that I feel like a sexual object and that is all I am to him.

He seemed shocked.

He said well maybe we should take a break from sexual things and I said that makes no sense.  In actuality it did make perfectly good sense but not to an irrational me.

He said he needed to process it.  I said "Process it?  Yeah whatever..." and I hung up.  Then I called him at 7am saying forget what I said.  Don't process any thing. It doesn't matter.  He said "It does matter.  I had no clue you felt that way. That's not good.  You can't just say forget it.  Why is it ok to forget?  You obviously feel that way to even say something like that."  I babbled about it not mattering and it is what it is and so forth and so on and it not being his responsibilty and lines drawn in the sand and basically a bunch of sentences that made not even one complete thought.  He told me he would call when he got into work because he needed to understand how me feeling that way could not matter.

When he called I pretended like none of these conversations occured and said "OMG Crab you are so quiet!"  And he said "I'm still waiting on you to help me understand."  I then went into more babbling.

Last night I had asked him to come with me to a party and he asked what kind of party? And who else is going?  And that pissed me off which was the catalyst to me saying I was a sexual object.  Really I felt vulnerable by asking him to do something with me and freaked when I thought there could be even the slightest semblence of rejection.  I explained this to him along with some more half ass rationale and then asked him to say something.  He said "I don't know what to say". Which my crazy ass assumed meant "ur exactly right and I'm just gonna say I don't know what to say to avoid you realizing you are just a sexual object."

Have I ever told you all I turn into a complete nutcase when I get my period.  Sometimes it comes out angry other times super emotional and crying and loving sooooo much.  Most of my feelings of being angry are gone but now I must clean up my mess.  I hope this doesn't affect my reward because I was supposed to get rewarded for my good behavior and not acting crazy and then I go and act crazy!  But I did blame my period.He said he didn't know I had my period.  But he shpuld have known.  He should be able to see the crazy patterns by now.

Anyway........

So.... Um ah... Er....Yeah...... that's what I did today.