Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I want some cheesecake

Hmmmm... I don't know what to say these days. I hate to harp on the same shit all the time. (Not that I have anything to harp about at the moment) And there really is no need to. Sometimes in life regardless of what a person feels about their situation they are in it because they want to be in it.  Its a choice. And I guess that is me right now.  I complain. I whine. I come on here and throw the biggest and best pity parties complete with goody bags and all. But I am where I choose to be.

Taking a step forward would be devasting for me.  Devastating. I am dealing with my mother's health issues, changing jobs, improving my health so my father can get a healthy kidney.   Losing the person who makes me laugh. The person who listens to me cry.  The person who encourages me. Can't do it.  That sounds so selfish. Like I want our friendship just for those reasons... but my day to day is happy.  And a very large part of that daily happiness comes from Crab.  Its stability.  One thing I can count on. On a bad day I can count on knowing I will be encouraged. On a good day knowing that someone is going to smile with me. Laugh with me. And I love laughing with him.  I haven't had that in a long time. I didn't know until my wedding day 9 years into the relationship that my husband had a chipped tooth. Crazy right? But he never smiled around me. Never. So to smile with Crab and laugh with Crab feels so good.

I want strawberry cheesecake.  Uh huh... I do. I can almost taste it! See that's where I would have called my boyfriend and asked him to go to Tops Diner and get me some cheesecake.  But it will happen. But for now I'm happy that I can call up my Crab and get a good laugh. And my fat ass doesn't need any damn cheesecake anyway! :)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Oh what a tangled web I weave.

Soooooo.... Pras called and asked me to come to TRS and have a drink and to invite all my friends and drinks would be on him. I told him that I wasn't sure about that and that I was spending time with my family and couldn't really talk. I mean it was a nice gesture and all but my mind is in a jumble right now especially since I gave them both my number. It was really a dumbie move but... I never claimed to be the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to these things. 

The other dude texted that he was really happy to meet me and hoped I was having a great easter. I texted back that it was nice meeting him too and I hoped the same.  That was it.  He texted back again but I didn't answer back because I wasn't sure where I was going with this whole thing. I mean I flirt a lot. I do. But I leave it there.  Just like 10 #pot said about why she felt Eye Candy should be off limits to me. There won't be any follow through. I will use people for entertainment when I'm bored but I will always go back to what I love.  And there is absolutely no denying where my heart feels at home.

SN Mini just handed me a receipt that he wrote DO NOT FORGET TO GET ME AN ELECTRIC GUITAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY

On another note Disney texted PIC. She was totally confused because she could barely even remember lst night

At this point I've decided I'm not ready to date or rather I'm not ready for what will come with dating.  I'm just not ready to face all of that right now.

On the health tip I felt the difference when I got my B12 shot. And now I feel the difference as it is wearing off. I have an appt on Tuesday though for another.  I'm definitely looking forward to that. Its sucks to feel what feeling good feels like then go back to not feeling good again. And so quickly... I can tell the difference also because people can see it. And when I crash which is usualy around 6:00 my girlfriend today got super scared.  To me it was just exhaustion time. But she totally freaked. I had to explain to her that I was alright and there was nothing we could do about it and id feel better Tuesday. So I can't wait for my next shot. Hopefully after a few weeks it won't be such a large contrast between feeling good and when I'm closer to my next shot.

The Real Spot

The Spot.

PIC and I were looking good. I switched my style up and it was a win!

When we walked in they were playing house music PIC had to go to the bathroom and I posted up at the bar to order our drinks. The group of guys to my left were looking and then one spoke. We chatted. He was funny. We'll call him Disney. There was one dude that looked fucked uuuuuuup. Then he went behind the bar.  I'm thinking he should not be so fucked up at work!  I saw this dude Fab I worked with a million years ago and he bought me another drink.  We talked and then he asked if I was with the owner. I'm like who and he says Pras the owner...  that was the fucked up dude who went behind the bar. I told him no dude was just getting us drinks.

Well some good music came on I looked at Disney he looked at me and we both had the same idea.  Let's Dance!  Now ask me if any was dancing in there. Nope. But we were feeling it and we daaaaanced and he twirled me and spun me and we just had a good time!  I asked him if he had a girl he said yes.  I said that's too bad.  So back at the bar I started talking to another dude.  He was cute. Quiet and laid back. But not shy cause he was definitely throwing out vibes. Staring and when I'd catch him he'd still keep looking at me dead in the eye. It was sexy! We talked. Shared pics of kids.  He has a set of twin girls.

So anyway. Me, Disney, PIC and Pras danced and a good time. Pras kept the shots coming... Bitches were hating. We were laughing. We make a very good team PIC and me.

Eventually I noticed her outside on the phone. Then i noticed her just outside. I went and checked on her. Looked like her dude wanted her home so we left. I exchanged numbers with Pras and the other dude and them took PIC home.

I called Crab. This is a good post so I will not discus that.

After I dropped PIC off I realized I'd left my card at the bar. I opened a tab but didn't end up having to pay for anything! I went back to get it and ran into Pras again. He was all "I love you. I want to have babies with you". I laughed hopped in the car and went home.

I had a good time. I'm glad I've decided to venture out!

Yooooooo there its life outside of The Spot. And what's fuckin with it's called The Spot!

Saturday, April 23, 2011


Ok so its Saturday and raining... I could very well stay inside and be dry but a cure for the boredom is needed. Desperately.  I don't feel like I can stand another week of "nothing new...".  I need to feel sometype of way about something, someone, anything!

I'm also thinking about changing my look up. Besides having to lose weight I think I need to sexify (real word?  Not sure) it up a bit. I feeling pretty daughty lately.  I should get a booty pop! Do your ass cheeks go through the holes with that one?  What if one ass cheek slowly decides to slide back in and your left with one big cheek and one flat cheek or one flat cheek with a small booty bubble on top....?  That is not a risk I'm willing to take.  I'm already extremely self concious as it is. I don't need booty pop stress. And then the butt pads have no giggle to them.  I would need my fake ass to have gigglage.  I think I saw one that was made of the same stuff that boob cutlets are made out of.  I don't want butt pads that don't look natural. I had one once and it just made me feel like I looked like I'd stuffed my pants with old tshirts or something.

I was with PIC yesterday and she was acting a bit bitchy.  And I have PMS myself so I was not feeling going out with her so I asked the ex if I could just keep Mini home.   But tonight I gotta do something.  I'm gonna get PIC to do my hair. Long straight with a part down the middle.  I think that could be pretty I need some attention. I haven't been getting any and you know I like attention. 

I wonder how MD is doing. I wonder if when he says he misses me if he actually misses me as a person or just the sex.  I swear I forget a lot of things but I remember that sex like it happened five minutes ago.  What's crazy is that I doubt I would even be able to handle it right away if I got it today.  At first we had to work our way up to it.  The first time I could barely walk or stand after. I hurt so bad. It was terrible.  And he's gentle. He never tried to "beat it up" so to speak.  He was always slow and smooth with it.  I would tell him when it hurt and he would go extra slow and extra soft until I could handle it. And before long I could take it just fine.  I could never sit all the way down on it though.  And it wasn't huge or anything.  It had just been forever since Id had any.  I mean I'd had Crab a time or two at that point and that's a whole other zoovie. I don't know what was up with that. That shit hurt like someone was trying to kill me with a jagged knife.  I was just trying not to let a tear slip. I remember that too.  That was... ummma.... well first of all I was like the sahara at that point of my life.  I had picked up some of that replense stuff and it was not made for sex. That is made for menopausal women who are just dry.  That stuff went from wet to gummy to rubber cement like. Awkaaaaaard.  Then I was in mad pain. I'm looking at him, he's looking out the window. I had built it up in my mind for months to a soundtrack of Trey Songs and.... yeah no.  It was nothing like my little Trey Song scored fantasy.

Well. I've just tortured myself enough for the day. Luckily its almost time for my period or I think I'd be ready to go do something hoe-ish.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Come oooooooooon!

I'm booooooooooored!
I need some excitement!
I need to be entertained!

I need constant social stimulation. 

I have ADHD of Life.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The List

Well things are a bit boring at the moment. Nothing new.  I've been speaking with Homeboy here and there. Nothing big same as the usual. He needs to see me. We need to spend time together. I respond with bullshit homeboy, I don't even know why I speak to you... more of the same.

Eyecandy said I should go to the sports bar tonight because his boys were going to watch the game and it should be fun. No sitter and no money means no Lady Di at the sports bar. Too bad though cause I really like hanging with guys. Guys are fun!  We were talking about what I want in a man and he says its impossible.  I told him the only non-negotiable items are muscles and a good job. Here are some more

If he has kids they should be teenagers so child support payments are closer to the end.

Preferrably not an hourly wage because I don't want to hear about checks being short

He has to want to take me out and be willing to go out with my friends/family

Stylish. Dresses within his age bracket.

Clean cut.


Funny/sense of humour

Over 40

Under 50

That's it really.  I mean I can come up with more but the muscles and job are a must.

Positive Post!

Well on a bit of a different note...  over the past 6months or so I've been going through tests in order to donate a kidney to my dad. I'm so close but I'm extremely anemic.  So yesterday I got on the pathway to increasing my hemoglobin levels by making an appointment with a doctor for Thursday.  The head of the transplant team said that once I get IV iron and a B12 shot I will feel so much better.  I can't wait.  The thought of having more energy is so exciting.  I really am exhausted from the time I wake up until I go to sleep so I'm looking forward to energy. 

Also my father sounds really uncomfortable whenever I mention anything that has to do with the transplant.  I think its just that he's really grateful and has mixed feelings about me doing it.  He keeps saying thank you. I've asked him to stop thanking me after every update because it seems strange to me to thank me for something that is the natural thing to do.  But when I told him about how this will be helping me to get on a pathway to being healthier he sounded really happy that it would be helping me as well.  That made me feel good because I don't like hearing him sound the way he does when I talk about it. 

My dad is incredible and if he needed a limb and I could give him one I would. No questions asked. I can finally do something really significant for him in return.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

4am and I'm up thinking.
I want to feel what normal is like.  Where does one find normal?

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Another fucked up night

So I'm in a bit of a funk.

I went to The Spot last night.  I had a good time.  I was talking to these two dudes.  One was really handsome and funny in a goofy way and the other was a total cornball. He was so nerdy and so I told him he needed to work on his swagger.  I gave him a nickname, Coup.  I told him that it was a good name and he should use it. He was excited about his new name and told other dude to make sure he calls him that in public. 

But I had a good time.  They were fun to just goof around with.  The handsome one is a model and today while rummaging through my purse I found that he dropped his card with his head shot on it in there.  Lol. Cute but of course I have no intentions of calling. 

Then I went and talked to Crab which was an odd conversation.  Then as I'm talking to him he interupted me like three or four times and raised his voice at me saying speak directly to him.  Now we all know that I have space issues so I don't like talking directly in someones face.  It just is uncomfortable for me.  I was really taken aback by this and was trying to do better but he just kept saying it over and over while I tried.  So then he says he's not buying me a drink because i'd had enough.  I told him what does it matter if I was gonna be with him.  Figuring it has been weeks and weeks since I've had more than thirty minutes at a time to spend that naturally he'd spend time with me after.  He said he was going out.  So I was like "oh PIC left when you came because she'd figured the same." So he's all "no i just told you I'm going out!". Then he says "I know your not about to start this shit again!" Now at this point I am A) shocked that he was being so abbrasive.  It really caught me off guard, you know.  I'm not used to him talking to me in a negative tone so I was really thrown off. I didn't really know how to B) disappointed but not upset.  This isn't the first time he's chosen to do that and I'm more than sure it wouldn't be the last.

So I walk off totally confused.  I was going to leave but Coup and other dude has me laughing so I ended up staying. 

Anyways.... I eventually go home and text Crab that I'm home and he calls.  He starts going on about me causing a scene and 2 people asked about if he was messing with me because if it. 

Now I'm going to be completely honest right now because I don't think that I've been as honest and complete as I have been here in the past. 

The whole thing crushed me. like seriously seriously hurt me.  Because it hurts enough to once again be ok for in the house but not in public. It makes me feel so terrible about myself. And I've eaten it for the past year and a half out of want. You know that "I want this man so bad if I just hang in there he'll love me one day" want.  And for a long time I think I did a fair job at hiding my affections my jealousy nd the hurt it causes.  But I can't.  My self esteem is really starting to suffer. It makes me feel so ugly. So so ugly. Like The People Under The Stairs.  I'm so tired of ending up feeling like this.  Everytime he says something about me looking at him or something its like knife through the heart and just lick my wounds and keep going.  But I find myself constantly tending to a wound.

Then it hurt because I was on good behavior. I wasn't staring stalking grilling rolling eyes. I was just enjoying stupid convo. I had a good night. And to be accused of making a scene and starting drama when it was my belief that he was the one... that hurt too. Because it bad enough when something good goes unnoticed but its even worst when that good is taken as a negative.

I am really really hurt today.  Like the kind of hurt that just wants to go to sleep for a few days.

I'm pretty sure most of you don't feel like repeating the same things to me which is fine. I really wrote this to help me deal with what I'm feeling.  To sort out the jumbled mess that was last night and this morning.  He wouldn't even listen to what I was saying because he was too busy scolding me. Which pissed me off even more.

I'm hurt and I'm angry. And now I gotta go to a friggin party... in the rain...

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I'm out

So now that I know I'm leaving my job I have a sassy lil mouth on me. And let me tell you something my exit interview, should I feel gracious enough to give those fuckers one is gonna be FUCKIN EPIC.  I swear I should write the script now.  Get a camera crew and put that shit on True Life: I'm Leaving This Shitty Job.  Why am I leaving?  Let's start with..

What kind of low budget property management company makes the manager the manager, receptionist accounts payable acounts receivable, marketing PR Rep and customer service rep all at the same time? I remember the night before I started I was all "Crab I wonder what my admin assistant will be like". We were talking about it the other day and he was all "little did you know you knew her very well". Hell yeah cause I am that bitch and that bitch is meeeee.

I have never in the history of my job experience gotten a "Bonus" that after taxes was $328. What the fuck?

This bitch is a liar. Y'all know how I feel about the truth. And this bitch is always telling me to lie.  How do expect me to respect you when I see you lie so damn much.

This bitch is a bully.  I showed weakness one day and told her I was stressed and overwhelmed (when she asked me all concerned) and she saw me in a weak moment and pounced on that shit which then in turn makes her a predator.

The bitch is a republican *nuff said*

The bitch is a lesbian and tries to pretend like she's not. I loves me some lesbians but bitch stop lying! Its not your roommate. Its your life partner STOP WITH THE LIES!

She has a negative opinion of new jersey and new jerseyans.  She doesn't understand us and you know what... we don't like her either.  She doesn't know how to take us and makes judgements on people from their accents and not their actions.

She's a nerd who doesn't realize she's a nerd which is the worst kind of nerd to be!

She is uncomfortable around Black people.   Once I had a prospect in the office and I had a cough and coughed and sneezed like 80 times so out of respect I didn't shake his hand and we both put our fist up. This bitch thought we were doing some type Black power move and got all jumpy asking why'd you two just do that. Chill out. Dude knows I have germ saliva particles all on my hands.  Geesh

I don't even have my own email address. That shit is tacky. Do you know how many times people comment on it?  That embarassing!

And so I'm movin on...

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Dopplegangers and such

So I told Crab about my new blog buddy today.  I told him how eerily similiar we are and that I think she may be my doppleganger which he thought was funny because he'd never heard of a doppleganger.   But seriously what if she was.  Except there would be no negative connotation to her because she a loverly lady! I was noseying around on facebook a few weeks ago and saw myself in a picture.  But it wasn't me.  I put my face right up to screen to get a good look.  And I still couldn't believe that the woman I was looking at wasn't me.

And I read my new bud's post and the things she says even the way she says it seems as though I could have sat down and written it myself.  And it isn't even the content that I connect with.  It is the feeling behind it that I connect to.  I don't look like anyone in my family.  What if she was my mirror twin who I've been seperated from and I was given up for adoption and she remained because my birth parents couldn't afford two babies just one.   We would meet and finish each others sentences and be featured on a Discovery channel special called Identical Twins Seperated at Birth: A Genetic Mystery.  Because how can two people who never met have all these similarities?  We would eventually relocate to be closer together and we'd probably start our own business in something and become really rich.

Sidebar -  I do this constantly. Create stories in my head. I always do this to my friends and they are very amused.  My friend just changed her hairstyle and it made her look like an Auntie.  So I call her auntie now and have given her a boyfriend named Mr Maurice who drives a cadillac and wears linen sets a lot, often in pastel colors, but he's masculine enough to pull it off and always has a hat to go with it. She also has a son named Trey but he goes by Boogie and she is always bailing him out and believing his stories about how he didn't do it.  Auntie is sweet but she isn't very nice to this girl named Keyshawna that is claiming to have a baby by boogie.  I've seen the baby and the baby looks just like Boogie to me but I'm not saying anything cause lord knows auntie gets fiesty when she drinks and I don't even want to get into it with her.  Auntie also is a big fan of Tom Joyner and Sinbad is her favorite comedian. She is going on the upcoming Tom Joyner cruise. She asked me to go with her to Fashion Bug to get some outfits for the cruise.  She wants some clam diggers and some sandals that won't bother her corns.  She also smokes capri utra light cigarettes.

I also do this with Crab if he doesn't answer my text or calls right away. Sadly though Crab's are usually dark.  Like someone pushed him off the subway platform or he had an allergic reaction to something strange he ate and had seizure and is laying some where unconcious or in a hospital with out ID because someone robbed him while he was out cold.  Because of course a tragedy is the only thing that would keep him from answering right? That's when I text him and say you know how my imagination is and he will let me know he's on a conference call or some other rational explanation.

My mother and I were talking about my imagination and how annoying it could be when I was little because I would convince myself of things like that I was going to expire in the middle of the night. I remember sitting outside of my parents bedroom door sobbing because they wouldn't say "come in" and all I wanted to do was say my final goodbyes.  They kept telling me to go to bed. Eventually I went in anyway and I think they were doing it and I said sorry and hightailed it to bed.  That put an end to that drama that night.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Ramblage into a safe sex rant

Today was uneventful. Other than a new job calling because they want me to come in again. Hopefully this will be the end of this dreadful job I'm in now.

We went to the park after work. And thats it.

My Aunt called last night. She asked what my man situation was. I told her that I was still seeing Crab. I told her about him when I first met him.  She said she was surprised that he is "still hanging in there" whatever that was supposed to mean.  I explained our current status and her thoughts are pretty much the same as mine and my mother's.  There is no need for a labeling and defining as long as I'm happy.  And I am.  She told me that my cousin just bought a house and it will be officialy the party spot for the summer.  Then she said she wanted to throw a party in honor me and "Boo". LOL.  She's definitely nutty. She's looks like what would happen if Wendy Williams and Chaka Kahn had a love child.  But she is absolutely fabulous!

Homeboy called Saturday. He said he needs to see me because he's starting to forget what I look like. I told him I look gorgeous. He said he really wants to spend time together. I put him on speaker and let him talk his bullshit while I did my makeup.  Then he did what he does best. He said he'd call me right back, so I'll report back to you all on that sometime in August some time because it usually takes him at least 8 to 12 weeks. To call back.

MD poked me on facebook and I just said to the screen "stop pooooooking meeeeeee." He also texted that he misses me.  I deleted both.  he poked again. I deleted again.

For some reason I find it interesting that I have maintained these 3 men in my life in some capacity over the past almost 2 years. Like it could have been more but as we all know I want what I want and there is no substitute.  There was a time when the girls I hung with really thought I was a whore.  And finally one night one of them stood up for me and was like "she doesn't even have sex!  Duh". They thought I was running around getting dick from everyone and anyone.  But other than my husband, this coche has only seen two men in over a decade.  I think that's good no?

And I like to flirt but I really don't see anyone. Like I can see a man and say "he's attractive" but that's it.  And it could have been less than the 3.  Meaning that the two variables have yet to fully disappear. Why I have no idea. Its been almost a year since I have gone out with Homeboy or seen MD.  (Except for when HB pops up on me in public but that doesn't count) I say with this much time they should be gone forever.  But I'm always waiting for a big hit to the heart so maybe its my fault for being so passive in ending the HB/MD communication.  Although with MD I'm firmer and tell him "I have someone. You know that. I'm not going to be dishonest!" And I've told Homeboy why should I give up my best friend for you when you are consistantly inconsistant FOH. 

There is no doubt in my mind that I could totally be devoted. I could get up from this couch and promise my full love and devotion before God within 15 minutes and mean it 200%.  And honestly I am fully devoted.  I would never do any nasty nasties with anyone else.  That's not fair. I've become very serious about respecting the physical health portion.  I want him to be able to be safe with my body parts.  As long as he knows he is clean and disease free he should be able to know I am too. And I would bet you would assume me and Crab are very sexually active.  But actually not really.  I can't tell you how long its been.  But I can tell you nothing else has been there. Except well.... my little bullet.  I digress.  I take that VERY SERIOUSLY. I will NOT put another person in a position where their health is compromised by me.  One thing that hurt me in the past with my husband's cheating was I was like "dude how you gonna risk my health for your pleasure? That is not cool!" Id never do that to someone I love. NEVER! After I told him that I was done seeing other people I want him to know that is that. If I ever change my mind contrary to popular opinion, he will be the first to know.

Totally Random

I love watching my blood fill up the tubes when I'm having bloodwork.  It makes feel so alive!

Sunday, April 10, 2011


So I really wonder if Crab ever reads this.  If he does he never let's on. I hope he does because that let's me know he wants to know what's going on in this big head of mine.  But I can't really imagine him remembering to read it. Unless of course I blog in front of him.  I haven't done that in a while though but then again, I haven't spent that much time with him in a while either. 

My estranged husband says he will take Mini every weekend for the next three weekends.  I hope number one he is telling the truth and number two Crab spends time with me all of those weekends. Not all of his time. Just a good amount of time.  I hate it when I have time to spend without a rush and he chooses to do something else. Cause I don't always have time, so when I do I want him to want that time. You know?  In my head he has first dibs.  But I want him to take said dibs. Ya'mean?

So I took mini to see his dad (estranged husband) today.  Last night I was hanging with his dads friends and one of them has the biggest mouth. He doesn't have a filter so he's all "Rap was here with his chick earlier..." so its confirmed he has a girlfriend which is great. When he is focused on another woman he is not concerned with being an asshole to me.  So we went over there and I didn't see him lusting after me like usual. I usually avoid going inside because he's always trying to push me down on the couch or pull me onto his lap.  But being that its been over a month since Mini has seen him it decided to let them have a few minutes together.  Everything was cool until Mini walked out the door first so he grabbed me from behind and tried to get as much of a feel that he could.  Terrible.  Then he says he has the right to because I'm still his wife. Ummmmm no buddy. On paper I am!

Anyways, I'm gonna go back to the gym tomorrow.  Hopefully I can sneak in an hour and a half rather than my one hour because before I was doing strictly cardio but I need to add weights into that. 

I know its been said that the only way I can acheive what I want is with a tummy tuck but I certainly have packed on some pounds and I'm sure I can get rid of that and see how far I can get to my goal with hard work.

I just want to feel confident again.  And I'll get there I'm sure.


I just saw a commercial and the song in the commercial kept saying I'm so lucky and I was thinking "I AM so lucky". For some reason I don't like the word lucky though because I think luck doesn't give credit to the individuals who actually contribute to whatever it is that has made things happen. But I wanted to write out what I'm fortunate for. I am fortunate that

I have parents who are stable emotionally and financially stable that lend their suppot to me in the best way they can.

I am so forunate for the man who is in my life. Precious. Its a word that I don't hear applied to male/female relationships but it is precious. Rare. Beautiful. Remarkable.

I am fortunate to have a relationship with my son that is absolutely enjoyable. He is humorous, smart and affectionate and he fuels me on a daily basis.

I am fotunate to have a friend that is not needy. She is balances me when we're together. She understands my decisions choices and never pushes her opinions on me.

I am fortunate to be healthy. And that is despite anything I do contrary to healthy living. Despite any risks I've taken. I am healthy.

So there are the things that make me want to say "I'm so lucky"

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Talk Dirty To Me

There is one thing I can't do and that's talk dirty. I feel like I sound so stupid. I don't have a sexy voice. I have one of those voices that always sounds like I have a stuffy nose even if I don't.

What's bad/unfair about it is I LOVE to be talked to. DIRTY. Like call me all types of bitch/slut/skank everything. NICELY. Tell me I'm a good girl when I'm doing what I'm told. LOVINGLY. Tell me how much you missed it. How good it feels. Touch my face. Look in my eyes...

But ask me to talk and I'm gonna say "It feels good. You know I don't talk just keep going" Wonk Woooooonk. I know that is probably a slap in the face. But it isn't meant to be. I'm just scared. I'm scared i'm gonna sound stupid...

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Happy Birthday!!!

I have never really celebrated my birthday big. But I love love love celebrating the birthdays for the people I love.  I love giving thoughtful gifts and pouring my heart out in a card.  And when I find something good I get so excited.

I always did nice things for my husband on his birthday. He always ruined it. Acted aloof and ungrateful. Would throw tantrums and refuse to attend his gathering for reasons that made no sense. He never did much more than say happy birthday to me. But hey... oh well.

Yesterday was his birthday and I could tell that he misses my pomp and circumstance. Oh well. Maybe he got a gift from a chick or something... but I'm sure he missed my parties and surprises.

But when I have the chanced to go all out a birthday again, I will do it.  And I'm sure it will be well received and appreciated.

Oh! I forgot...

By the way... I was affectionate.  It may have not been visible to the untrained eye but I knew.  And that's what counts.  It counts that I know that I did something that was out of the ordinary for me.  It wasn't as big as a hug.  But it was a baby step towards a hug.  AND.... are you listening...?  It was not sexual.  What I'm speaking of.  It was not sexual.  I'm not going to tell you what it was because I don't want to. But... It was me showing affection.  I wonder if he noticed.  I don't care if he did or didn't because it was for me.  He knows how I feel whether I hug him or not. I'm proud of myself and I feel like the chain the binds me is that much weaker now.


I got what I wanted. Finally got some time with Crab.  I missed him so much!  I was supposed to go to a business breakfast but instead I went and spent some time with him.  Oh I misseed him! 
You ever know anyone that makes the sky seem the limit?  He's the personification of positive.  Positie vibes, positive thinking. I'm a fan of his; and even better than that I think he's a fan of mine too! 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I'm gonna give him a hug...

Maybe. :)


Awwww I miss my "not my boyfriend boy friend". That's what my mommy calls my CrabMan. "How's your not your boyfriend boyfriend?"  She likes my CrabMan and so does my dad. That's a first. And my dad hasn't even met him yet.  Probably because since he's been around they never have to bail me out of situations.  He's good for me.  And for them!

Our schedules have been conflicting and I swore they had aligned themselves and then his work schedule changed for today. Now I gotta wait till Thursday. 

I miss him though. Last time I was with him I layed my head down on him and didn't want to let go of him. But again that fear of affection took over and I thought "your being a weirdo and he probably wants you off.  Get off of him!" But I really just wanted to hold on so bad.  What would it take for me to not be afraid.  I still think of the time I asked him to just hold me, and he did with no problem.  And it feels good.  Just the memory.  I'm still sucking that memory dry whenever I need to. But I want to just be near him. Next to him.  On him.  I seriously use that memory or my imagination to fulfill any need for affection.  I wish he knew how bad I wanted it though.  I wish he knew that sometimes well a lot of times I just want to lay with him. But I cant tell him. I can't initiate it.  Cause I'm crazy.

I'm wondering what is an accepted amount of time for things like that before you feel weird.  I hear a lot of people talk about cuddling and I'm thinking id probably like that too but do any of you feel weird about it.  Like do you think its like cuddling for 1 minute is the acceptable amount or do you not even worry about if dude thinks your on him too much and cuddle to you're content?

Remember I used to cuddle with MD?  I liked it but I kept it as a part of what I had to do so that I didn't feel emotions attached to it.  Any amount of time didn't matter because I didn't look at it as me showing affection.  It was just the last step to our encounters. It was how he liked to close the show.

I have so much more affection in me than I give him. And there are certain times I give him affection in my own way. I asked him if he feels it. He said he does.

On another random note.  When they intro the contestants on Jeopardy and they tell their little anecdotes or whatever it always sounds like they should've said "I guess you had to be there..." at the end.

Monday, April 4, 2011


So this morning I had a bit of an emergency and had to wake Crab up out his lovely sleep to save me.  I get to his house and he came right to the door.  And just like in the movies. I swear I saw rays of light beaming from behind him and he looked absolutely scrumptious. His lips were all juicey looking and he seemed to have a glowy look to him. He smiled and pointed to his mouth and I lost my breath for a moment.  It was like in the movies where someone's lips are moving but you don't hear them talking. So I went and did what I needed to do and swung back by.  The door opens

BAM! AGAIN. I think I might have heard angels singing this time.  I tried to speak but I stuttered over my words, not even caring so much that the words poured from my mouth in an incoherant pattern.  I said thanks and spun around and jaunted back to my car, feeling a bit high from my mini trip to what felt like a heavenly realm on earth located at the top of the driveway right outside of his door.

At a stoplight I pulled my phone out. I texted

How do you look so good first thing in the morning?!? Crazy...

Bzzzzz.... "I better find your lovin.." (yup still the same ringtone.  I can't change it.  It gives me butterflies)

C: What's up?
-Nothing.  Its just... how do you look so good when you wake up?
C: What are you talking about? 
- I don't know you just... you were like glowing...
C: I was telling you I cut my mustache off. I messed it up while I was shaving.
- Oh...... is that what it was? 
C: yeah. I pointed to my mouth...
- Oh.

Yeah. So heaven was actaully a grooming mishap.


Damn it! I got an air bubble in my chest and this shit hurts.  Must have been the beer.  Now what am I supposed to do this summer. If beer is gonna do this I'm not gonna be happy cause I love beer in the summer!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

By the way

Here's my Tumblr

I haven't been using it really. But I'm gonna... So... yeah...
I could complain. But I'm not gonna.

To all the boys

I'm listening/watching this several times a day. Repetition. Repetition. Repition. Like learning spelling words or memorizing a phone number. Like a single flash card.

Until I get it.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Quickisimo (thats really quick in spanish... Not really but...)

My friend came over tonight. We drank beer and approved each others doggie style forms. She said mine looked really good. So I'm looking forward to the next time my face is down and ass is up!

Thats all.