Saturday, April 16, 2011

Another fucked up night

So I'm in a bit of a funk.

I went to The Spot last night.  I had a good time.  I was talking to these two dudes.  One was really handsome and funny in a goofy way and the other was a total cornball. He was so nerdy and so I told him he needed to work on his swagger.  I gave him a nickname, Coup.  I told him that it was a good name and he should use it. He was excited about his new name and told other dude to make sure he calls him that in public. 

But I had a good time.  They were fun to just goof around with.  The handsome one is a model and today while rummaging through my purse I found that he dropped his card with his head shot on it in there.  Lol. Cute but of course I have no intentions of calling. 

Then I went and talked to Crab which was an odd conversation.  Then as I'm talking to him he interupted me like three or four times and raised his voice at me saying speak directly to him.  Now we all know that I have space issues so I don't like talking directly in someones face.  It just is uncomfortable for me.  I was really taken aback by this and was trying to do better but he just kept saying it over and over while I tried.  So then he says he's not buying me a drink because i'd had enough.  I told him what does it matter if I was gonna be with him.  Figuring it has been weeks and weeks since I've had more than thirty minutes at a time to spend that naturally he'd spend time with me after.  He said he was going out.  So I was like "oh PIC left when you came because she'd figured the same." So he's all "no i just told you I'm going out!". Then he says "I know your not about to start this shit again!" Now at this point I am A) shocked that he was being so abbrasive.  It really caught me off guard, you know.  I'm not used to him talking to me in a negative tone so I was really thrown off. I didn't really know how to B) disappointed but not upset.  This isn't the first time he's chosen to do that and I'm more than sure it wouldn't be the last.

So I walk off totally confused.  I was going to leave but Coup and other dude has me laughing so I ended up staying. 

Anyways.... I eventually go home and text Crab that I'm home and he calls.  He starts going on about me causing a scene and 2 people asked about if he was messing with me because if it. 

Now I'm going to be completely honest right now because I don't think that I've been as honest and complete as I have been here in the past. 

The whole thing crushed me. like seriously seriously hurt me.  Because it hurts enough to once again be ok for in the house but not in public. It makes me feel so terrible about myself. And I've eaten it for the past year and a half out of want. You know that "I want this man so bad if I just hang in there he'll love me one day" want.  And for a long time I think I did a fair job at hiding my affections my jealousy nd the hurt it causes.  But I can't.  My self esteem is really starting to suffer. It makes me feel so ugly. So so ugly. Like The People Under The Stairs.  I'm so tired of ending up feeling like this.  Everytime he says something about me looking at him or something its like knife through the heart and just lick my wounds and keep going.  But I find myself constantly tending to a wound.

Then it hurt because I was on good behavior. I wasn't staring stalking grilling rolling eyes. I was just enjoying stupid convo. I had a good night. And to be accused of making a scene and starting drama when it was my belief that he was the one... that hurt too. Because it bad enough when something good goes unnoticed but its even worst when that good is taken as a negative.

I am really really hurt today.  Like the kind of hurt that just wants to go to sleep for a few days.

I'm pretty sure most of you don't feel like repeating the same things to me which is fine. I really wrote this to help me deal with what I'm feeling.  To sort out the jumbled mess that was last night and this morning.  He wouldn't even listen to what I was saying because he was too busy scolding me. Which pissed me off even more.

I'm hurt and I'm angry. And now I gotta go to a friggin party... in the rain...


  1. Aawww, honey......

    I'll chime in since this my first time for this subject (I still consider myself a newbie to your site). I don't know your situation, but I know that hurt. That, "I just wanna lie down and sleep and not wake up for a while, draw the curtains and keep the room dark," hurt. And I know that even when I feel like that because of a man, I still love him and want him there, so it's this jumbled hurt/lonely/ugly/lovelorn conflict of emotions going on. And I wish I had words of encouragement for you, but I just don't. I don't know how to deal with that feeling myself, as old as I am and as many times as I've felt it. All I can say is that, no matter what, you'll still wake up tomorrow. You'll wake up and go about your day, and at night you'll sleep only to wake up all over again. And each time you do this, it'll get just a little easier. I hope this feeling passes for you soon. I hope you one day get the resolution you seek.

  2. (((hugs to you))) I hate that you feel some kinda awful. That must have been the thing for this weekend. Someone serious hurt my feelings after my bday party and now he's my boyfriend. (another story for another day).

    As horrible as you feel today, tomorrow will be a little bit and it will improve with each day. You are so wonderful and such a sweet person. Don't let those comments go straight to your heart. He could have been very well having an issue going on that you didn't know about it. Granted it was wrong of him to last out on you about it, but we don't know where it truly came from. Take a few days and then ask him what happened.

  3. @Laki thanks for the support. Luckily I bounce back. Maybe if I didn't bounce back so easily it would be easier to fix my destructive behavior.

    @mo. Ok so I'm in total suspense and have to wait for details! Oh you're torturing me!

  4. That shit makes me angry (and totally reminds me of how I let Big D treat me after 2 freaking years). You are a fabulous star and deserve to be treated as such. So what if people think you two are messing with each other??!! He should be proud to associate with you in any way.