Thursday, January 17, 2013


So I'm very fortunate not to feel emotional effects of stress so much.



My body deals with stress physically which by the way SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME!  Because stress will kill you!  And if my stress is physical, what is it doing to my body?!?!?  I can't control these stupid sounds.  I can't control my hands peeling.  And honestly I know what the next chapter in this stressed out book is.  Hair.  My hair will fall out.  Not all of it.  patches.  this hasn't happened in a loooooong time but I know it's what's next.

I gotta get a hold of this.  But I don't function well on substances so I don't want anti anxiety meds because I don't want to be high all the time.

You're a Jerk!

Ok so now that you know about the sound I'll tell you Crab totally had me making the sound like CRAAAZY last night.

M:  What is with you today?  You are totally like... I don't know the word for a man, but if it were a woman it would be feisty.  You're... Snappy
C: I didn't snap at you. I snapped at the kids maybe.
M: Sparky maybe... Like Grrrrrr.... maybe.  But it's okay.  Everybody has their days and you are so great on any regular day.  I mean, I know I have mine.
C: Yeah you do!
M: But most of the time I'm a sweetheart. Like 87% of the time I'm sweet.
C: Where'd you come up with that number?
M:  I don't know...Like 4 to 5 days a month I'm crabby.
C: No more like about 2 days a week you're a real butthole (exact word he used!).  But I'm used to it.
M: (laughing) Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!?!  OMG!  Nooooooooo
C: Yeah you can be a real asshole.  Like you disagree just to disagree.

(Mind you we are laughing this whole time because that is how we argue.  With laughing.  It's like the spoonful of sugar to make the medicine go down)

So I'm all...

M:  No I want to be sweet.  I want you to be like "I have the sweetest girlfriend ever"
C:  Oh that went out the door a long time ago!
M: What!?!?!?  Are you serious?
C: Yeah I 'm serious!

So the rest of the night I was like GAAAASP!.... GAAAASP!

I hate thinking that I'm an asshole. Well no.  I hate thinking that I don't hide my asshole-ish-ness well because I'm definitely an asshole but I thought I hid it well!
Ok. I'm still having an issue. But its okay. I can get over it just like I get over anything else.

Have I told y'all about the sound? (The Sound is NOT the issue) Now this is very embarrassing but I make a sound when I'm stressed or upset or uncomfortable. It's a gasp. Sometimes it's little. Sometimes It's really loud. Sometimes it sounds like I'm taking my last breath.  If I'm in public strangers come to my aid and I have to explain that it's just a nervous tick.

Well another thing about the sound is that people who know about the sound automatically know I'm in some type of emotional distress.  So it's hard to hide when something is wrong. So lately I've been freaking out about being at Crab's house again.  I  am having those not wanting to over-stay my welcome feelings again. So things will be good and we'll be chilling.  Watching TV and this is usually when it happens. So I start with the sound.  He'll ask what's wrong and I'll either say I don't know or nothing. But he knows that's not true. So I start making the sound then I freak out and try and leave because I just can't stand the thought that he may want me to leave. But when I do that he will say "You're gonna go home and do what?" That lets me relax for a few more minutes sometimes even an hour more.

But I'm not going to stress about it.  I've come a long way. And every week I'm seeing growth.  I know that I can get over it.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

A little nasty!

Ooooh.... I didn't tell you all just how nasty I was talking on New Years! I can't remember what I said but I can tell you the word hole/holes was used a lot.  And tight. Yeah I said that a lot too ! And.... And... It was particular good because I got the kind of spit (whoa I just got a flashback that made me gasp and shake a little bit) that I love where he lets it go slow (omg I cant! I'm getting butterflies thinking about it! Whew!) and I come up to meet it!  Oh! It was fun talking! And I wore a new outfit. It was a corset in that teal Japanese Sakura fabric with a lace tutu like skirt (it was super short) and fishnet (with the big net. Not the little kind) thigh highs and above the knee boots .

Friday, January 4, 2013

Something Smells Rotten in the state of Denmark

OMG!  My ex is a sociopath.  Like really.  He hasn't been diagnosed by anyone with a degree in psychology  but he has been diagnosed by me.  And please know I have googled the fuck out of it.  So basically... I know what I'm talking about.

Usually when I see this dude he doesn't speak to me.  I don't speak to him.  It's a simple exchange of our offspring when he actually follows through with his obligations, which is rarely ever kind of never...  So anyways...  He recently told my son "I don't like your mother".  2 days before Christmas he was supposed to  take Mini for an afternoon so that I could buy Mini's Christmas presents.  As a single mother sometimes Christmas shopping is difficult because your kid is ALWAYS AROUND!  So he said he would and then proceded to blow me off for the entire  afternoon.  Then he calls me around 8:30 pm in his happy jipper voice and said he's close but.... his company Christmas party is that night and he wants to go.  So then he's silent.  And so am I because that was information that I didn't need to know.  So he's like "So......" and I'm like "So..... what? You want me to send him down now?"  And he's like "No.  I just told you my company party is tonight So?"   So I say "We'll meet you out front in 5 minutes."  And I sent Mini with an overnight bag.

Why the fuck would I care about him wanting to go to his company Christmas party?  I could give a flying fuck about his wants and even going a step farther his needs!

Fast forward to yesterday.  With no call to say "Merry Christmas son."  nor a "Happy New Year Son" call he calls me at work.  He has on his stupid ass happy jipper voice and tries to act as if we are friends and he says "I need a favor."  Mmmm Hmmmm... "I need to be out of my apartment in like a week because they want to sell my apartment.  I'm one of the only renters"  Oh really.......... "So if you know of anything or you can help me find something I just would be..." he couldn't even say the word appreciative or grateful because he has no inkling of what those feelings mean.  "And something $800 or less" he says.  Um we live in NJ. You are only going to get a spot in the HOOD for that amount. So you're riding around in a brand new Range Rover but you can only afford Studio rent.  You are such a EFFING GENIUS! So I told him "If I hear of anything I'll let you know". And he says "Yeah because I only have a few days to find a place"

Oh so you waited till the last minute huh?  Cause I know a landlord cant just say... I want to sell this apartment so you have a week to get out.  And didn't January just start so wouldn't you have till the end of the paid month?  Something smells a bit like eviction.  Bet you wish you still had that money you used to take some chick on a week's vacation the Dominican Republic.  Or maybe you can sleep in that Range Rover.  Does it have a kitchen to go with all of the ridiculous TVs? No?  Sigh... too bad.

But anyway.... NOT my problem Sociopathic Wife Beater and emotional abuser!


Thursday, January 3, 2013

Little New Years Post

Happy New Year!

I hope you all had happy and safe ones.  Crab and I went to my Dad's house and hung out with him and his fiance for New Year's Eve. I swear they have really hit it off.  Crab likes my dad... my dad likes Crab... it's perfect!  I'm sure my dad plans on taking Crab out to the golf course when the weather gets warm which I know Crab would love.  We are planning to go to dinner sometime soon.  Well we got over there and started talking and drinking and eating and watching TV and ended up not leaving until 4:00 in the morning!  I kept saying "Oh Crab I'm sleepy..." and he said "OK we'll go after I finish my drink".  4 drinks a 50 new conversations later I'd be like "Oh Crab I'm sleepy" and again he's say "OK.  We'll leave after I finish my drink!  This went on until 4am!

The next night we went to my mother's for dinner.  We only stayed there for like 2 hours.  But it was just as enjoyable.  They both really like him!  Of course the difference is my mother seemed to try and tell him every embarrassing thing she could think of about me.  I'm weird.....  I put a hot dog in my purse when I was 5...  Yeah it happened.  Somebody gave me a hot dog   I didn't want it.  I put it in my little silver purse.  Which I then put in the toy-box   For years.  Yeah it happened ONCE.  But of course she made it seem like I was always walking around with hot dogs in my purse.  But it really didn't make a difference because he already know I'm weird from his own observation so....

So that was my little New Years...