Sunday, February 27, 2011
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost, anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back
Who do you think you are
I'm about to put my shoes on and go to Crabs.
I feel empty.
Maybe that's a good thing.
It doesn't take being the one to create this dysfunction to qualify as dysfunctional. But if you are just as addicted to the highs you are meeting the qualifications of dysfunctional. And if you always end up in dysfunctional relationships there is something that you are doing. I won't do the poor me right now because...
I am an addict.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Sad stuff. Tired dehydrated and emotionally drained.
Friday, February 25, 2011
And sometimes like today, I'm sado masochistic.
Today, this is the storm I've chosen to ride today
And this this is when the struggle is over, I'm tired from the fight and I can see the shore
It may sound a bit crazy and melodramtic but those are both things you already knew about me anyway so... I don't care
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Libra Feb 22 2011
Have you ever wondered who first thought of bottling water? We have become quite used to paying anywhere from a dollar to several dollars for a bottle of drinking water. Yet all we have to do is turn on the tap and collect water in a cup. But through the magic of advertising, water bottling companies create a mystique about that most ordinary drink. We have been seduced into believing we are getting something pure and natural that we couldn't possibly get on our own, while in reality most bottled water is quite mundane. Don't fall for hype today when a person with a knack for spin approaches you. Use your common sense.
So i swear this was the right thing for me today. Its right there. What am I complaining about?
I swear im not bipolar. Really. No really im not...
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Now I've been a pretty girl and a not so pretty girl. And the difference is astronomical. As a not so pretty girl men would let a door swing and hit me in the face. As a pretty girl, strangers will jog in front of me to grab the door and open it for me. As a not so Pretty girl, I had to carry things by myself. As a pretty girl I've had to tell some men "really stop trying to take the bags out of my hand. I got it. You're gonna make me drop it! I GOT IT!". As a pretty girl the store clerk asks do I need help when I'm obviously fine, then another and then another. As a not so pretty girl I have to search for someone to ask what isle the breadcrumbs are in.
Last night I went out and I didn't have my license on me. The bartender asked for ID and I said "I don't have it on me. Dude come on. I'm 33" and he gave the drink to me. The guy sitting next to me says "You know you only got over because you're gorgeous. If you weren't he wouldn't have done that". And you know who heard him. Not "Gorgeous me" not "pretty me". Not so pretty me heard him. Not so pretty me usually hears the fat jokes or the ugly jokes. Cause we are the same person. When someone is making fat jokes, It's not size 8 Diana that hears it. It's size (I would never tell) Diana. And ugly jokes, it's the girl who no one ever looked at who hears it. And it makes her feel scared like someone is gonna pull the costume off and realize that I'm really fat and ugly. It's the worst feeling. I feel like I'm in on a conversation that I'm not supposed to be in on. Because I'm the same person. I have the same sense of humor. The same things make me laugh, I still like the same music and I still have the same favorite color. Just a different shell.
Men are so simple minded sometimes...
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Then... One day... I said "Diana... you should go get a doobie and a trim." Well at that time I was still on my plain Jane flow so I didn't wear contacts. I sat down took of my glasses. Now I can't see anything without them. Chick said "You want even?"
"yeah yeah even." This B cut all of my hair off to the shortest length that I had Inches and Inches off. I felt something strange but I had no idea! NO IDEA
Doobie finished put on my glasses and headed home. Later on that night I combed my hair down and was shocked to find I had a shapeless chin length bob. YES! Hair past shoulders to a chin length bob. I cried. And then I gave up. No more co washes. No more moisturizing and sealing. I think I even used brown gel! THE HORROR! I just let go completely.
Eventually I said I gotta stop... It'll never come back doing like this. And I started back. I didn't go as hard as I used to but I moisturized and sealed and cowashed. And my hair is growing so nicely and it's so healthy and I'm on the road. By this time next year I will probably be back to wear I wanted.
I have very thin hair so I really want length so I can then do lots of layers for fullness. But I know I am on the way and will probably be without hair crutches within the next year!
Would that be weird if I gave it to him and he just stopped. STOPPED. He sat down and watched a tv show and just watched it.
I don't care if it was weird. I want to see it.
Friday, February 18, 2011
One thing that has happened is I realized that Crab is always in my dreams. You may think so what? But I've never had someone have a reoccurring role. My dreams are usually just about me. Very rarely do people who are actually in my life make appearances. But he's in my dreams every night. If I'm driving he's in the passenger seat. If I'm laying down he's right beside me. If I'm walking down the street, he's walking with me. So I find this all very odd because I don't dream about people unless I have a sex dream about someone. And that's rare too. So it just is strange to me that this has been happening. It's been a couple of weeks now that he has been given the reoccurring role. It's cool though. It doesn't bother me. It actually makes me have a very peaceful feeling in the dream knowing he's with me.
Ummmm... what else. So I told you about the write up at work right? Well that day I got mad and sent out some resumes. So I went on an interview today and I'm pretty 100% sure it's in the bag. I have to go back Monday for some tests but it should be a breeze. Nothing that I'm not already and expert (toot-toot) at already. But it seems like a great place to work (they always do when they are trying to lure you into their corporate traps)though. The gym was nice and they gave me a tour showing me where everything was. They have a Starbucks and I happen to LOVE Starbucks and a CVS. And a couple other conveniences. The place is like a compound (which the affectionately refer to as a campus). Anyway... We'll see. It's a little more money a lot less stress and just altogether a better option for me. So we shall see which way the wind blows me in the next week.
I'm extremely tired lately which I feel is due to a combination of Not going to the gym which results in me not eating, which results in me not taking vitamins. My apartment is a mess and I'm not at all happy about that. Because when it's messy t throws off my balance and then other areas of my life become messy too. I need some gym time to get back on track.
And something else but I don't even feel like talking about that... -_-
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I guess its just another representation of the Law of Suppy and Demand.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Monique Says: Why did you choose not to see other people?
I choose not to because I was always just trying to replace him. I was trying to leave him before he left me. I found myself only interested in men who had his physical attributes. And while it is okay to have a type it is not okay to try and find a replacement. That's just weird. And then when I finally found what I wanted. His height, his shade, his body type, his style of dress it turned out flat and disappointing. We all remember the Homeboy debockle **see footnote. Because even if I replaced him physically I can't replace his personality. That will never happen. So I decided to be honest with myself about where my heart is. My heart is with him. And even though we don't have a comitment, I have a lot of what I need as far as partnership in him. I feel like we are a team. So for the most part there is not that much of a void other than the security factor. And even though I FEEL safe it doesn't necessarilly mean that I am safe. But I sure do feel safe.
Monique Says: Have you guys had a discussion to make it exclusive? I asked him once why we arent together and his answer was "I don't know how to answer that" I didn't probe because I'd rather not know than to know and not have him in my life anymore.
Monique Says: Better yet, what is it that you want the end to be with you guys?Here come the tears. (I must be ovulating). I rarely think about titles. I do think about wanting to be there when he's old and gray. In the end I want to love him the way I do now... always.
**Homeboy Debockle. I found someone who met my physical Crabquirements, and I named him Junior here. But then when I got to know him I realized he couldn't get the title of Junior because he WASN'T even remotely close. And I couldn't even name homeboy so I just ended up calling him Homeboy.
Anyway. I'm a little despondent. Not because it's Valentine's Day but just because I became accustomed to seeing Crab so often and I hate it when he has to work late. It makes me miss him knowing that he's working late.
I spoke to MD yesterday. I had text him that I needed some professional advice. He called and we spoke for a few minutes. He gave me what seemed like good advice and let me know that he's always available when I need him. Its nice to have something halt on a positive rather than negative vibe. And it's nice to know his acquaintanceship is not conditional. Of course after telling me he's always here for me and willing to help in any way he asked if I needed any other type of help.
Me: "No MD... I told you before... I'm not trying to go there with you anymore."
MD: "Ok. But you can always call me. I miss you."
Me: "I know..."
Sunday, February 13, 2011
So anyway I'm bout to go spend a lil time before I pick up Mini. I'm sure I will lean heavily on blogging my frustrations this week. (As usual)
"Oh here go hell come" - Calvin, The Fashion Show
I'm reverting back to my Quickie Happy Heart post. I'm going to rewind to that and move forward. See... back on track! TaDaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Oh. and I swear I'm not bi-polar. It's all like puzzle peices. And I lay them out here. Look at them. Move them around. And eventually I find what peices fit together. This is how I solve the puzzle. But I think you guys know that already...
But I need to make some agreements with myself about how I'm going to realign my thinking and feelings. Because right now its gonna effect things. I'm not necessarily ready to let go of what I do have with him. So I either need to supress the negative feelings that I have or somehow reinforce any walls I have now. Add a new layer of bricks. But that's hard. Its easy to keep the wall up when its already existing but its hard to build it back up after you've started to take it down. But I have to find a way to fix this because I don't want to lose him. The part of him I have.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
I have a new law. Like Murphys Law. Its called G's Law. Bitches who don't deserve shit get shit.
Chicks who do... Get nothing. Especially nondeserving chicks with fat asses and thick thighs who also seem to have their own set if rules. I unfortunately have neither so my life simply follows the first law.
Doesn't seem fair right... I know... it doesn't... But life's not fair. My daddy told me that.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Hey! Its DrunkMe. I'm at Crab's. I'm mad at him. He pissed me off and he didn't even have to.
I think I was right about everything I said in Unloveable. Fuck! I wish I had never erased that shit. I wish I could reread it to remind myself that some chicks will always be the side chick or the option. People talk all this love shit and I honestly believe that shit is not meant for certain people. Until those certain people its not meant for (me) believe it isn't in the cards for them they will always be unhappy and disa-fuckin-pointed. People need to know their place and stay in their lane. I think sometimes I let the dream get in the way of reality. Fuck it. It is what it is... and I will always get myself back on track. Fuck all this love, in love bullshit. That shit is an illusion. The only person in this world I can be sure truly loves is myself. Eveyone else is questionable. I don't believe it.
Expectations make you weak. I won't expect shit from anyone. I have to remember the only person I can count on is me and sometimes I even let myself down...
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Oh... Oh... I know what it was. And.... it aint that deep... but...
A friend of mine recently went through a breakup and a makeup and although the process was difficult, and there were hurt feelings on both sides, I think that it will do wonders for the strength of the relationship.
If you are able to maintain a level of sanity during difficult times be those times cheating, finances, health whatever... If you can either maintain the growth of a budding romance, or hold on to an existing relationship it makes the bond that much stronger for it. And there's something to be said about that tough raw hide love. Love that is weathered. Love that has said "If I ever catch you....again" or "Things will get better, you'll find a job soon I'm sure" or that love that rubs your back while you puke or wipes your face with a cold rag when you have a fever.
When the trust is back.
When the paychecks are steady.
When the fever has broke. Your love just gained muscle! You feel stronger, you know you can endure.
Good shit! Imma have me some raw hide love. Just without the cheating...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Like what if I wasn't scared to show people (men specifically) how I felt. What if I wasn't scared to initiate a hug or a kiss? Like right now, if I initiated a kiss I probably debated it in my head, counted to 5, then said "Ok really on 5 this time!" before I actually acted. Would something in the past that was casual and fleeting have grown into an amazing relationship. Or would I have been pushed away only to become me even more terrified of opening myself up to rejection. Would that night that I jumped up threw my clothes on and ran like a bat out of hell had been an amazing night together, that led to more amazing nights?
Now don't get me wrong, this is not regret because every thing I have done thus far in life has led me to this very exact moment. And I honestly do appreciate every moment I have good and bad. But I just wonder what would have been. Who would I have been? Would I still be me, just not me in desperate need of affection. Would I be in good hug standing? My touches would linger my kisses be soft and not stiff quick pecks. I would be close enough to hear or feel someone's heartbeat. I love that. Heartbeats...
When I'm at Crab's I almost always have a drink. And it's not that I'm an alcoholic. Seriously... I'm not. But I love being able to look him in the eyes and not look away. Or touch him for more of than 4 seconds. And those are regular count, not those one - One thousand, two - One thousand, 3 (you get the point) seconds. I like being able to open my mouth and honest to G-d unfiltered Me comes out. I like that.
If I could let go would I fantasize about sex more than I do just being held. Cause I do you know... I fantasize about touching and holding freely. I fantasize about touching someone for more than the aforementioned 4, 3, 2, 1 OK that's enough.
And get this, I drink so I can and then, later when I'm sober I beat myself up about it. I cringe to think of how I allowed myself to be vulnerable. How I didn't look away. How I reached further and pulled closer. I feel ashamed of being so openly affectionate. I feel foolish. Foolish (repeated so you know I mean it!) But it feels so good in the moment. And I want it. And I want it sober without my muscles stiffening. It's confusing.
What if someone said "It's ok, if you hug me I'm not going to run. I actually like it." Could I do it? Am I capable? Or would I still be too scared? And you know what just ran through my head after writing that? "No one wants you hugging them"
I'm sick. I'm so craaaaazy!
Friday, February 4, 2011
I'm good at my job. I am. But the thing is this. I care too much. I always want to do a good job and make people proud of me, but being in the working world I am giving this drive to the wrong people. They don't deserve my dedication. They could care less. If I die tomorrow they would say a few nice things. The couple of people I actually KNOW. They'd probably send out an email. A few people say "Oh..." Most would say "Who's that" And then they would log onto ihirerealestate.com (yup that's what site they use) and start looking for a replacement.
The people who I really want to please, who I really want to be proud of me, they could never replace me. They would miss the way I tickle their feet to wake them up in the morning, or call them sunshine whenever I answer their calls, or miss the extra side of corn I make cause I know they like it. That's who's approval I want and crave. Those are the people that I wish I could spend 24 hours making happy, making comfortable, making full, making proud. I wish I could say I couldn't care less about the others but I need the money they put in my acccount every two weeks. But they don't deserve me. Because most things I do with love and a genuine care. No matter how big, or how small a care. Be it helping my son brush his teeth or... well... you know.... ;) And I realize any care they show at work is just a part of those dumbass GraceHill.com web training things that we have to take. And after they display that "care" they are going to write you up and call it "couseling" for using a PTO to stay home when your son has a snow day.
So yeah. I gotten written up and/or "counseled".