Sunday, February 20, 2011

Still Fat and Ugly

Men. Men. Men. I think most men are simple like single-celled creatures. Like protozoa. Protozoa don't really have much of of a purpose other than to breathe, move, and reproduce. I think the urge to reproduce or practice reproduction rules the mind of most men. And it is important to remember this when dealing with them. I just saw a Dateline Episode of What Would You Do that got me annoyed. It was a bike stealing scenario. When it was a black guy stealing the bike people got upset, yelled at him, called the cops. A white guy, they did and said nothing. A pretty white girl... they stopped and helped. Even after she said she was stealing it!

Now I've been a pretty girl and a not so pretty girl. And the difference is astronomical. As a not so pretty girl men would let a door swing and hit me in the face. As a pretty girl, strangers will jog in front of me to grab the door and open it for me. As a not so Pretty girl, I had to carry things by myself. As a pretty girl I've had to tell some men "really stop trying to take the bags out of my hand. I got it. You're gonna make me drop it! I GOT IT!". As a pretty girl the store clerk asks do I need help when I'm obviously fine, then another and then another. As a not so pretty girl I have to search for someone to ask what isle the breadcrumbs are in.

Last night I went out and I didn't have my license on me. The bartender asked for ID and I said "I don't have it on me. Dude come on. I'm 33" and he gave the drink to me. The guy sitting next to me says "You know you only got over because you're gorgeous. If you weren't he wouldn't have done that". And you know who heard him. Not "Gorgeous me" not "pretty me". Not so pretty me heard him. Not so pretty me usually hears the fat jokes or the ugly jokes. Cause we are the same person. When someone is making fat jokes, It's not size 8 Diana that hears it. It's size (I would never tell) Diana. And ugly jokes, it's the girl who no one ever looked at who hears it. And it makes her feel scared like someone is gonna pull the costume off and realize that I'm really fat and ugly. It's the worst feeling. I feel like I'm in on a conversation that I'm not supposed to be in on. Because I'm the same person. I have the same sense of humor. The same things make me laugh, I still like the same music and I still have the same favorite color. Just a different shell.

Men are so simple minded sometimes...


  1. I applaud you for doing something about the way you were on the outside. Since you won't tell, I have no idea what the outer shell used to be. But if there was something you could do to make things better for yourself, I'm glad you did it.

    But I hear the hardest part about changing the outside is not letting the inside change with it. Being sensitive to fat and ugly jokes may never change, but you certainly don't have to fear being the butt of those jokes.

    The men in this world are just as simple as you say. If they like what they see now, whatever used to be is unfathomable. Unless of course you made an ass of yourself writing a love letter to them in high school. I may/may not be speaking from experience.

    I'm just saying, embrace being hot on the inside too. That is my point with this, the latest in a long line of probably-too-long comments.

  2. love long Comments CeCe! Yeah I need to let go of all of those past insecurities. And I am who I am NOW right?

    This dude was trying to talk to me one day and he was telling me all the places he wanted to take me. And I reminded him thatin high school he had said he wouldn't have touched me with a ten foot pole. He was shocked. He didn't realize who I was. The only thing is I wasn't fat and ugly in high school. Just a quiet tom boy. But I still shouldn't have been treated badly.

    Anyway... I will embrace my inner hotness!

  3. OMG, I'm going through all your old posts tryin to get a better feel for your relationship with Crab and I think I'm gonna be commenting on all your posts 'cause you're like parallel universe Laki right now. I've been in those shoes. I'm in those shoes now. I started off an ugly duckling and got treated bad in HS, blossomed into this pretty girl and had dudes tripping over themselves, and now I'm this fatty who gets passed over all the time. And so every now and again when someone uses the word beautiful or pretty on me, I instinctively wanna punch them in the mouth 'cause fat me hears it.

    One day, though, I won't be fat me anymore. One day...

  4. @Laki I swear when I read your blog it is eerie how much you sound like me. It feels like I am living another life somewhere. Not just the situations but I get a sense of your personality and I have a UNIQUE personality!