Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Is this workable or is it just what it is?
C: Hey I'm just calling to check on you.
M: I'm ok (insert tears)
C: Whats the matter?
M: I miss you... I wish I just went to Dunkin Donuuuuuts
C: Awwww.... you wish you were here watching movies?
M: ***sniffle sniffle*** uh huh....
Feeling teary typing this now. Ok.... back to work.
Monday, January 30, 2012
So today was my last day out of work. We had breakfast as usual and watched movies. And talked. Talked about me a lot. I think he thinks I'm out doing crazy things since I've changed the way I move. I'm not doing anything crazy though. But I've changed because its time for change. Believe me I'm far from a stupid girl. I see the fuckedupidness of my situation and I have no choice but to make some changes when I'm no longer happy with it. I'll stay in something as long as I'm comfortable. But I'm the type that can't be in a situation that I don't have control over. I guess this is one reason I can't get really close to people because I need control. So especially after the no visit thing I gotta reclaim some things. I'm no longer comfortable. I've got to reclaim my feeling of freedom. I was feeling commited. Obligated. And that's fine as long as its reciprocal. So by doing things like going out alone, having Smooth over, going out with Writer I'm reiterating to myself these things are fine for a single woman. And so are my dealings with Homeboy. I am commited and obligated to being honest and upfront. And that is the limit of my obligations.
But I'm really gonna miss the time that Crab and I spent together. I have picture from my view laying in the bed to remember it by.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Hey. So Crab is just giving me crap about he should be able to do what I do blah blah blah. I'm telling him no blah blah blah. Same shit as always. I called him at 3:48am because I couldn't sleep. Usually I text first then call. So he thinks I'm on some check up shit. Really I just couldn't sleep and wanted him to keep me company.
Well weekend and disability is almost to an end. Tomorrow I'm going to spend my last lazy day with Crab. I should do a champagne toast to the time we spent together this past 2 weeks. I think it was such a bonding experience laying in the bed watching movies all day everyday for 2 weeks. He says he's learned so much about me and that I'm much crazier than he thought and he wonders how I've held all of the crazy in for 2 years. I've learned that he wakes himself up snoring, talks in his sleep and points his finger in his sleep. I've seen it all before but now it is confirmed to be everytime. I've also learned that our differences of opinion about Love and Hip Hop and Braxton Family Values make me extremely frustrated.
I apologized to Homeboy for saying he was a disappointment. Even though he is I think I shouldn't have even said anything about it. Its not that serious you know?
I've told you all I do face painting and such on the weekends right? So this chick who always hires me for her daughters birthday parties opened a little tea party dressup spot. It has cupcake and cake decorating classes for kids, sells cupcakes and cake pops. You can have parties there or just do playdates for I think $10/kid. Well she secured me as the resident face painter for the parties. Yesterday was the grand opening so I spent 2 hours yesterday painting princess faces. The Grand Opening was a huge success so it looks like I will be busy. I charge $80 an hour so this should work nicely!
Saw Homeboy for a little second tonight. He is full of compliments. He likes to play on my hair and smell me. Lol. He says he wants to punch Crab in the face. He called Crab a loser for not wanting to be with me. I said they both be losing when someone else scoops me up.
I better go clean up. It looks like we've been robbed in here!
Friday, January 27, 2012
I want someone to come pick me up. I want him to open the car door. I want him to hold my hand while we walk into the restaurant. I want him to whisper silly things in my ear while we're waiting to be seated. I want to reach across the table and hold hands while we talk.
I want a big ass steak cooked perfectly and a glass of wine.
I want him to help me put my coat on. I want to go home and take off my shoes and put a movie on. I want to shove my feet underneath him so they don't get cold.
And I'm not gonna stop until I get it soooo....
Awwww man. I thought I was being honest y'all. Didn't I think that? Didn't I tell y'all well I'm being honest with Crab right? Id always say I told Crab.
Well apparently not. I guess this is where arrangements get sticky and I guess things are blury sometimes huh? Crab not so happy. Crab apparently has been holding it in he says I bullshit him about Homeboy and that I have lied.
I don't think I lied. I don't think I have been all..."I really like Homeboy and I want to be with him if he'd just get it together." But I have been like "I told Homeboy he had to prove himself this time." Which I thought implied the latter.
Crab has one good point. Can he do what I do?
Id have a shit fit if the shoe was on the other foot. I would FLIP OUT. But I don't think it works the same way backwards as forwards. Because I would be with Crab. Its Crab who doesn't want to be with me. I should be aloud to go fill in blanks because he's the one who won't fill them in for me. He however should not fill in anything because id readily do that! I told him its not fair for me not to be able to satisfy myself other places. He told me I better not fix my mouth to even say the word fair when I run around doing what I do trying to secure something else before I end it with him.
Listen. Cakes are for eating. You should have your cake and eat it. But if your not gonna eat it let someone else have a peice. But you shouldn't be allowed to get another cake. I'm the only cake! Me only damn it!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Homeboy threatened to kill any man that he finds out I might be messing with. At first he laughed and then he told me he's serious he doesn't know what he'd do if he found out about someone else. He said he was crazy.
I actually believe him. He had a court case last year about something similar. He said he didn't do it. But now I'm starting to think maybe he did! Ha!
Oh he just called... he said
I'm outside. Call down to the doorman and tell him I'm coming up.
I was like "WHAT?!"
Then he was like... no I'm not... I could be but I'm not.
LMAO. I knew there was something wrong with him.
I was telling him I want to lose 17lbs. He said we can do it together. He so wants me to workout with him. But I gotta get back in the gym on my own before I start trying to workout with him. His body is perfection but he says he got a stomach and has been holding it in. (lies)
Did I tell y'all Crab asked to see a picture of Homeboy. I think I told y'all and he said he's seen him around. I'll have to go back and check.
I know watching people sleep is creepy but... whatever, I'm watching him sleep and watching his chest rise and fall while he breathes and thinking how much I love the heart that is in there beating.
He keeps waking up and telling me to close my eyes and go to sleep but I can't. I wish he could love me like I love him.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Percocet makes me horny.
Same ol same ol round these parts. Last week I spent everyday laying on Crabs bed watching movies. It felt like I never want to do anything in life other than that forever. I loved it!
Tonight Homeboy and I discussed maybe taking a trip to Cabo. Cue laughter. I said
M: Homeboy you know what dates with you are like?
M: unicorns. They don't exist. They'd be nice if they did though. But they don't...
Well. I took a percocet so I better go to sleep while its got me relaxed. Been having a hard time sleeping. My back aches where my kidney was.
Sweet percocet dreams ladies (and gents if there are any reading)
Friday, January 20, 2012
- You must post 11 random things yourself.
- Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
- Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
- Go to their blog and tell them that you've tagged them.
11 Questions (Crab came up with most of them!)
1. Do you like your job?
2. Have you ever been in love before?
3. What's your favorite food?
4. How would you describe your style of dress?
5. How often do you think about sex?
6. How would you describe your personality?
7. Do you think others perceive you the same way you perceive yourself?
8. Do you drink? What's your favorite drink?
9. Do you smoke weed?
10. Giants or 49ers?
11. What do you thinl best feature is?
Monday, January 16, 2012
I'm excited! My friend Smooth is on his way over. He's a trucker and he's all over the country. I met him on twitter and he's grown to be like a little brother to me.
Since he's always on the road I cooked for him so he can have a home cooked meal. We'll just eat and kick it for a while. I'm very excited to see him though!
Another person isn't excited in the least. But unbeknowst to him he has forfeited all rights to all things Diana related. So... oh well.
Smooth is from Las Vegas. I appreciate him stopping by to see me since he's in the tristate area. (CT, NY, NJ). He made a delivery in CT and he'll stop by tonight on his way to PA.
I also had a friend come see me the Saturday before the surgery. My friend Writer came to see me and we went to my favorite restaurant for sushi. He's on the other side of the world (Queens NY). Getting anywhere from Queens sucks. It took 2 hours transit time just to get here!
Mini is so excited to see Smooth that he's acting up! Running all over the place. Hiding. Then going to the door every five minutes!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
I know this all seems very fucked up. And essentially it is. But imagine if these things didn't happen. Imagine if I didn't have these reminders. I would allow all that other stuff to let me let go and love him in a way my feelings could really be hurt. All of these things say to me
Yes it appears he's your boyfriend to the naked eye. But when you stop and look closely...
HE'S NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND
He's not THE ONE FOR YOU. And you are not THE ONE FOR HIM.
I'm very hurt and very angry that he has not come to see me. When he lectures me on the phone about what I should or should not be doing I am screaming explatives at him at the top of my lungs in my head.
But I would rather have flat out truth. And the flat out truth is no matter what he says, no matter how many times he has said I love you...
He doesn't love me enough. He doesn't care enough.
And that is one of the most valuable things I have. The truth of the matter.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Today my mother CoCo and Crab had a bit of an exchange
I was on the phone with him and my mother says
Coco: who is that?
Coco: I thought you were coming to visit...
C: I have issues
Coco: yeah well so do I. Come over we can have issues together.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Well party people its Friday. That means Crab is about 78 hours late. I expected to see him when I woke up Tuesday after the surgery. Everyday he has loosely mentioned the possibility of coming to see me. I'm now out of the hospital and at my mother's house. Day 2 at my mothers. I gotta be honest Tuesday I was heart broken. Wednesday I was disappointed and by today I could care less. I wish he wouldn't do the whole he's gonna see if he can come see me thing. Its pointless. He has nothing but time. There's pretty much no excuse. People do what they want to do and they don't do what they don't want to do. Point blank period. So I really don't want anyone coming to see me who doesn't want to. That's not my idea of a good time.
Homeboy called this morning.
H: what are you doing?
H: how come you didn't call me and remind me.
M: its okay it doesn't matter
H: its not okay!
M: yeah it is. I called you last week and I texted you. You didn't call back. You didn't text back what am I supposed to do?
H: you texted for me to have a drink with you. It was late.
M: ok then you say that. You don't just not answer and call me a week later.
I then changed the subject and told him about that night. The night I told him to have a drink with me. That was that night with dudes asking if I was a dancer there. That's his hangout. He told me next time I need to say that my boyfriend comes there a lot and would not like it and be sure to tell them his name. Lol! I told him to come see me but he didn't want to come to my mother's. He's so silly. I told him my mothers not even thinking about him. I know she is wondering why Crab hasn't been around though.
I told Crab about the convo with Homeboy. I want to know why Homeboy does this. If he liked me he would make an effort. But then he just keeps coming back. Why? Why does he keep coming back to not do anything? What is the point. There is no reason d'etre to the cycle. I could see if there were wild passionate moments. But no. There is no deep meaningful history. Just fantasies about the future. So what's the point?
But you know what? I'm not even caring anymore...
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The transplant was successful and I hear my dad is doing well. I will get to see him today. I was so dissappointed when my mom walked in without Crab yesterday. He was supposed to come with her to the recovery room. One of the firdt thing I said when I woke up was "how's my hair" I wanted to look nice. But he had his grandkids because Flip needed to go to the doctor.. Let's see what happens today.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Okaaaaaay. So tomorrow is the day. I gotta be at the hospital at 5:30. Things are gonna be fine. Crab is coming with my mother. I want them to be right there as soon as I wake up. I told my mother if they aren't that I will cry. My mother is making up all kinds of excuses but I told her
"Mommy you know I cry and if you guys aren't there I will feel lonely and start crying."
And she said "you are just like your grandmother. I've become immune to the crying so you'll just have to cry!"
I hope Crab really does come though. It would mean everything to me!
I will write to you all tomorrow when I'm chillaxin in my hospital bed. Toodles smooches and all that good stuff!
Okay. This may sound weird. I'm feeling this strange feeling. You know when you breakup with someone. Or someone hurts you and you feel that hole in your chest feeling?
I'm feeling something like that, just its the opposite of that. This is scary. I feel this warm feeling in the middle of my chest! Like if you opened up my chest you would find a smiling cartoon sun with shades on and a New Orleans accent. And I just want to be over there. I want to lay around with him all day. I want to be near him. I want more of those hugs and kisses I got Saturday. This is the thing I'm scared of but instead of trying to reverse it this time I just want to let it be what it is. I want to wake him up. I just want to hear him and see him and be near him. I think I might be able to let myself love him on a different level.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
So last night I went out. I've been rolling solo a lot lately. I went to the bar that has the strip spot in the back. There we're no seats upfront in the regular bar area so I went back to the strip part. I was sitting down and a dude come over and says "you dancing tonight or just chilling". I explain I'm not a dancer he says oh and keeps it moving. Then another dude comes over. "So when are you getting on stage." Again I explain I'm not a stripper I'm just having a drink. He then asks can he drink with me. I said sure you can buy me a drink. He says "I can buy you a drink? Well if I buy you a drink can I come home with you?" No "if I buy you a drink will you come home with me?" No
So I decided to go sit back up front. Two dudes sit next to me. "I'm wondering do you work here? I mean like do you dance?" No "oh good cause you don't need to to dance if you do. You know..." well I don't.
A photographer comes over. "Can I get a picture of you?" Sure. He snaps a photo then leans over and tells me I'm beautiful and he's having a photoshoot the next day and tells me an address... <_< oh yeah? So then the guys asks me for a picture with them. Ok. Snap. Can you put your arm around me? Sigh.... snap. While my arm is around this dude for the pic the dude on the other side of him strokes me hand. Whoa whoa whoa dude. Uh uh! Then next dude is all "can you take a picture with me but standing up?" BIG SIGH. Dude what do you think this is? Ok come on... I stand and pose. Snap. "Alright now drop it like its hot". Alright dude you are getting out of hand. I see police lights outside so I think I should get going now while the police are around so I don't have to worry walking to my car. I walk around the corner to my car and a car follows me rolls the window down and says I shouldn't have parked over there it was too dark and dangerous. I thank them for their concern get in lock the doors and go to another strip spot.
So I walk in. This place is white girls. They really don't work hard. They just sway side to side with bikinis on. There's like one black dude in the place who keeps throwing up gang signs and yelling Blood calls. I see him tell the bartender to move his drinks over to the seat next to me.
He keeps saying... "Question. Why are you so sexy?"
So dude is silly as shit. We're talking he's telling me he has a daughter and then BOOM. Dude starts crying. For about a good three minutes. Crying about his daughter being such a blessing. So he is kind of in his own word while he's crying then BOOM. He snaps out of it. Then a couple minutes later... crying again. This time because he needs someone to love him, his father had 3 strokes and he doesn't know what the fuck he's supposed to do. So that lasts a couple of minutes again. I eventually excuse myself to the restroom. When I come out the bar is closing down and I leave out I get in the car call Crab cause I wanna go to his house.
I go to his house we talk. I'm sitting there talking to him and then
A huge grin comes on my face and I'm immediately turned on.
So I pull up his sweater and start unbuttoning his pants. I immediately go in! I'm going crazy on it. He's talking to me just the way I like. Telling me I'm a nasty bitch. An animal. I'm loving it. Loving it! I pull my head up and pull him towards me. "What?" He says "spit" I tell him and open my mouth. He leans forward and spits in my mouth and then I kiss him. He is such a good kisser. Perfect kisser. Mmmmmm.... so anyway... I go back at it. Every now and then he'd say "come here" and I would open my mouth. He spit different this time. He let it drip slow and I would catch it. Sometimes id let it just fall into my mouth. Other times I would come up and meet it with my tongue. I must have gotten slapped a good 4 or 5 times He's telling me how I was born to suck dick. No one has ever sucked his dick as good as me. And of course... I'm loving it. he also would tell me I was being a good girl. And touch my face gently. I love that too! He asks me if I want him to fuck me. I tell him yes and he gets up. He walks to the closet and gets the collar. I put it on and take off my pants I crawl over to him and hand him the leash. I suck his dick somemore while he's standing and I'm knealing in front of him reaching up to his chest. Y'all know what chest I'm talking about now! So he's using the leash to pull my head back and forth on his dick.
So I lay down and we fucked. He was really putting a lot into it. It felt good to have him inside of me. We don't do that often. He took a little bit of a break and I sucked him some more. I told him to fuck my mouth and he asked me where I wanted him to cum. I told him on my mouth and he said I want to see you lick it up. So then he tells me to lay down again and he gives it to me again. Hard. I tried to take it like a big girl and I think I did a good job.
Here's the best part. When we finished he we cuddled. Kissed. Watched a movie. Talked. Watched love and hip hop. All while wrapped up together. We finally went to sleep at 7am. I didn't sleep well and I kept coughing. I didn't want to wake him so I left around 9. By the time I got home he called and asked why I left like that. I told him because I was coughing and didn't want to disturb his sleep. We hung up and both went back to sleep. At 3, I picked up lunch and we ate. It was pure perfection.
Friday, January 6, 2012
So apparently Mos Def is into slapping and spitting in his wife's mouth during sex. These bitches on twitter are all "its so disgusting blah blah sick, blah blah sadistic". I want to say something but of course I'm not gonna be all on twitter exposing myself.
Whatever. They have no idea. I love that shit. I wonder if I could be without it totally. I wonder if I married a man who didn't or wouldn't do it if I would always yearn for it. There are things I've given up that I still want every now and then.
Both are things I always want. I was never addicted to coke though. But I have a craving for it every now and then. You know how you have a taste for something. There are times I have a taste for some coke.
Cigarettes are a hard one. I really want one. I fall off that wagon often. Then I will stop again. But its always for a specific reason. Never because I said ok I'm not gonna smoke anymore. Its usually for a man or pregnancy or hospitalization.
So I imagine I would crave a spit here and there or a slap every now and again. I wonder how hard it would be to convince someone to do that. I think id probably give them a little smack first , chuckle and then kiss them really deep before they had a chance to say something about me smacking them. That way they can see how good the shock factor of it is and understand the appeal of it.
How though would one introduce spitting? That's a hard one cause I think the spitting is kind of way left for some people. Maybe you could say how good they taste and then say spit in my mouth? Cause that's turning it into something pleasing. They know their spit taste good so they want to share it. I love Crabs spit.
But for say Homeboy, he was appauled at the girl asking him to choke her. Lots of people are into a little choking that's not odd. So his sex must be very basic. He was all "I mean I'm freaky and all but..." so what's freaky to him? What do people consider freaky? Like whipped cream and all that shit to me is not freaky. That's like... say in comparison to fine cuisine that's... Olive Garden, Applebees of freakosity.
But Crab teaches me not to judge peoples preferences. What turns one person on might not do it for another person. And what one person considers freaky another person doesnt. And there's nothing wrong with me liking what I like. I'm not a slut or skankish. I don't mess with loys of different men. I just like different things. That's all!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
I told Crab I was giving him my passwords so he could inform you all of my untimely demise if need be.
He said he didn't think that was funny at all. I told him I wasn't joking and I am bringing all the porn to his house for him to hold until I get back. I don't need my mother finding Ass Worship 1, 2 and 3!
Pray for me.
pray for me.
I'm giving Crab my passwords in case I expire he can tell you. Those of you on my twitter I say good morning to him every day he's he's the lightskinned one. In case of me never returning just ask him if I'm dead.
I gotta do my hair this weekend so I don't look crazy in the hospital. I gotta make sure I have my makeup packed nicely. I'll just bring a small pallet with me which should do. Along with... OKAY. I'm bought to share with you all my favorite product of all time
Sally Hansen Lip Inflation Clear Gloss!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS!!!!!
First of all it's super shiny without being A. Sticky or B. greasy!
Secondly it makes your lips super big! Like "HEY Look at the big juicy shiny lips I got. Hellllllloooooo"
It tingles. One day Crab called me from the train on his way to work and was like "I was sitting here wondering why are my lips tingling then I realized it's your lip gloss!" Yeah baby... That was just a little reminder of me I left for you ON YOUR LIPS!
Ok I'm gonna get back to work. My brain was exhausted. It needed a break!
Psst... (Whispering) Between me and you, and you, and whoever else is reading, I do secretly hope Homeboy comes to the hospital to see me.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Well well well... Homeboy called.
H: I know you hate me.
M: nope. Why would I hate you?
H: I've been thinking about you a lot. When is your surgery?
H: I want to be there with you. Will you let me?
I'm not gonna sweat him though. He will do what he will nothing more nothing less. I can't worry about him.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Mini and I have been playing Just Dance 3 A LOT and I'm SO SORE! Which is great because I have 15 lbs to lose. Crab says that I need to stop being so numbers obsessed but I know that when I'm 145 I FEEL more comfortable. It's not the number but it's what I know the number feels like. I looked great (in my opinion) at that weight. My ex said I looked like a crackhead but he's a hater! I realize you have to do what makes you good. This dude this weekend was all... You look good. glad to see you put some weight on. Whatever man.... so I should feel uncomfortable because other people don't like me thin? Whateva man!
Crab invited me over yesterday to just hang and watch TV with Mini. But we both know Mini is like a superball and would not just chill so... But I made us dinner. His favorite is my meatloaf. So I made him Meatloaf and I made corn too which is another of his favorites which is now one of mini's favorites. They kind of have the same tastes in food which is good! and then today I was saying Mini needs a new coat and some new sneakers and he said he's come with me to get it. I hope he really does because as we see he does a lot of telling me he's gonna come with me without actually coming with me.
On another note I met a producer on NYE that asked me to be in a video and/or model. I know... I know... it sounds like a pickup line but he was legit. Crab laughed. I was like "Whatever. He could have legitimately felt I was pretty and work well in his video". then when I said I wasn't interested he was like "You should see about it. It could be good exposure." O_o For what...? I'm not trying to expose myself for any particular reason. My mom wants me to see about it too. Maybe I'll give dude a holla!
Anyway that's my little update.
Monday, January 2, 2012
We love each other so much!
We really really do love each other! Sometimes we spend the damn near the entire day talking. We sat on the phone until 5am last night. Talking about absolutely nothing.
He makes me happy! (You see the difference between menstruating Diana - last week - and regular Diana today).
I love him! I really really do. I hope that we figure this out one way or another one day.
I just love him. :)
I'm bout to call him and say
M: I just called to say goodnight.
And he's gonna say
C: Ok. I'll give you a buzz in the morning.
And I'll say
M: Ok Goodnight.