Monday, July 29, 2013
So. When I started working with MD he introduced me to Ms. Jones who used to be his driver. (MD has drivers) So she would come into the office just to use the computer. Sweet older lady. We would chat and laugh and all. So in the mornings I often go to McDonalds and sit and have coffee and take calls and post my listings etc so I wouldn't just be sitting in the office by myself. So Ms. Jones saw me at McDonalds one day and started coming and having coffee with me every morning.
So after we got comfortable with each other she began to talk about MD A LOT!
"He's such a narcissist"
"He's never going to leave his wife"
"You don't need a married man" to which my reply was "I don't want him."
(I'm pretty sure you can tell where this is going)
So I would tell Crab about all of these conversations and he would tell me "Don't tell her anything. She definitely fucked him"
So as time went by and the conversations continued she seemed to be becoming more angry and resentful and I realized Crab was right! There was just too much of anger and one day she said "Don't let him fool you I wasn't his driver."
Me being the type never to ask questions I didn't even pursue more information when she threw the HUGE hint at me. I just decided "Less is more" in this situation. Secrets are better left to those involved. I don't want the responsibility of knowing their secret.
So the other morning Ms Johnson calls me while I'm sitting with MD and he starts doing the slash to the neck sign and saying "Stop talking to her!"
So when I hang up the phone he says
"I want you to hear from me. I fucked her. A long time ago. Now she's trying to see if I'm fucking you. Just Stop talking to her. I fucked her daughter too. But it was a long time ago so don't let it bother you"
So I said "I'm pretty sure when we walk down the street I pass at least several girls a week that you fucked." To which he replied "Yeah you're probably right" SMH
But, it wasn't a long time ago.... I can tell by the stories Ms Jones tells.
I can tell by the way she stomped out of the office when MD announced he was taking his wife on a 2 week vacation soon.
She says "You see how he tried to rub it in your face?"
I'm like "He didn't try and rub anything in my face. Why would I care if he took his wife away?"
She was HOT!
He just can't help himself. He just cant.
And I've realized through the stories she has told me about his childhood about how he felt unwanted and how he cried to her about his parents shipping him off for other people to raise him that...
He has a shit load of self worth issues.
It explains a lot of his arrogant pompous behavior and his need to belittle people.
Whelp! Thank goodness he's not my problem.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
This time in my car and I'm driving.
MD: Do you think what we did was fucking or making love?
Me: Making love I guess.
MD: So you do love me!
Me: Yes I love you. I'm not in love with you and I never will allow myself to be in love with you.
MD: That's smart of you
Me: Yeah. I know.
He's a real jerk. A real real jerk!
Oh my gosh! I forgot to tell you guys something!
I'll tell you tomorrow...
Friday, July 26, 2013
He insist on the love thing.
Once again when I'm getting out of his car.
MD: I love you. Do you love me?
Me: I don't know. I might. I love you fraternally. I gotta go. (jumps out the car)
I haven't seen him since. He hasn't been coming to work because he's been moving from house.
Well. Things have improved at home. Crab is making an effort with Mini and with me and I'm making an effort too. I think this may be a good thing
We also had sex and he enjoyed it. So that's always nice.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
This just happened and I'm cracking up on the inside....
Watching TV. Me and Mini and Crab (yeah he's not gone yet). Commercial for BlackPeopleMeet.com comes on
Mini: Mommy you should go on that website! You could probably meet a nice man to date!
Wow Mini with the passive aggressive shot at Crab! He deserved it too!
Saturday, July 13, 2013
I don't like the way he treats Mini. It has always been a point of contention for me. It has bothered me for a long time. When he was living in his house it was one thing because I just didn't have mini around him that much. But now that he is in my home it just can't continue
He refuses to acknowledge my son. Example
Mini: Wow Crab! You have 3 of the same laptops
Mini: You have 3 of the same laptops?
Mini: Are all 3 of those laptops the same?
Me: Mini I don't think he heard you.
Crab: (to me not Mini) No they aren't the same. They're different.
See... I can't take that. I just can't. You heard my son ask you a question 3 times. Then won't answer him directly. AND I know for a fact that he heard him and just decided to ignore him because I never repeated the question. That's just nasty. Nasty.
Mini is a good kid. I have tears in my eyes just typing this. He is a good kid. Smart. Funny. Caring. He has never been disrespectful. He doesn't deserve it.
So about a week ago I brought it up. I said that I don't like the way he treats him. He said it's not like I beat him. He made all types of lame excuses and reasons why he treats my son the way he does and I ended the conversation with this....
He has an son the same age as Mini who loves hundreds of miles away. The mother is now married.
"How would you like it if Kim's husband treated Justin the way you treat Mini? How would you like knowing that Justin had to live in a home with a grown man that purposely ignored him?"
(He admitted he wouldn't like it but then said it's different because that's Kim's husband) So I said
"So because it is written on a legal document it changes what affects it would have on a child? You came to his home. And now he is made to feel uncomfortable in the one place that he's supposed to feel most comfortable. I really don't want an answer. I just want you to just give thought over the next few days. Think about Justin and put him in Mini's place."
He still ignores my child.
This is just ONE of the things I don't like about his feelings towards Mini.
He's got to go.
End of story.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Mind you I would never talk nasty about her if she hadn't confronted me. She's an idiot. I would say the best way to keep someone you don't trust from fucking your husband is to befriend her. What an dumbass.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Something good that I've realized is that I kept myself from having emotions for MD the first time for good reasons. He's got his nice moments but he is essentially a scum bag. The knowledge of his scumbaggery is a very powerful tool against the knowledge of his good-dickery
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Laki was so right with the contradiction comment.
This is the terrible thing....
You know that cheaters attitude, The one when someone is cheating and everything their partner does get on their nerves and they become unbearable? Yeah... well I'm developing a pretty nasty Cheater's Attitude. Being around MD all day 6 days a week makes be so resentful of Crab! We've broken up like fifty times in the past 2 weeks. And to top it off....
He's living with me....
I don't even know how to begin to explain the complicated dynamics of my every day. Crab in the morning, MD in the day, mixed with his wife throughout the day (who confronted me and told me she doesn't want me working there), then Crab at night... And did I mention MD throughout the day.... yeah I did....
What made me think this was gonna work?
But I leaped in and it's gonna HAVE TO WORK!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Ok very quickly on the Crab thing cause it's boring I guess. Sex has always been not existent. We have sex like once every 5 months or so. Every now and then we might have a month when we have sex a few times. His excuse is I don't talk enough. I tried. Still no sex. So at this point I don't care. I don't even want it. I told him last night what we have is a friendship.
He "broke up" with me because I still talk to Homeboy every now and then. I just have a real hard time with people telling me what to do. The worst way to get me to do what you want me to do is to demand it.
With Homeboy, Crab always said how Homeboy couldn't have loved me and how Homeboy was just a player. But you know what...? Homeboy does care for me and he is THE OPPOSITE of a player. Crab said he wanted me to tell him not to call me anymore. But we are friends. He calls to see how I'm doing every now and then.... I call to see how he's doing every now and then... I'm not telling him that. And the number one reason why? Crab had not done enough to be a man to me. How do I look letting a man who I'm not even having sex with tell me who I can and can't be friends with. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
So he broke up with me. But he's still right here on my couch so.....
Ok. So MD. When we had our thing before I was very careful not to have ANY feelings for him. None whatsoever. He was merely penis. The best penis I have ever encountered ever in my existence. I became totally addicted to it. Once I found out he was in a relationship I still did it/him. Brazenly. I made no apologies. I couldn't stop. That's not even remotely like me.
I hate to sound corny but... What we have between us is weird and even eerie. We talk about it a lot now. How we have this chemistry that is so hard to resist. When we touch it takes us to somewhere... I don't know.... It's like we stop being bodies and it's our souls that are connecting. It really is an amazing thing. Soooo corny. Soooo corny I KNOW. But it's true. And I thought it was just what I was feeling. I thought "he's just talented in the bed. I've just never had sex that good". But he's told me he feels it too.
MD is married.
MD is a bad boy (always in trouble and doing stints in jail)
MD drinks too much
Sometimes I think
It could be possible
We were meant
I have a boyfriend...
So... At least I've experienced something so unexplainablely amazing that words do it no justice.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
So.... I know I must go deeper into what I told you yesterday so....
I got very angry at work one day. Told them exactly what was on my mind. I took a huge leap of faith and decided I wasn't going back. As some of you know I'm in real estate, but not sales. So I decided to go get my license. I saw a friend of mine doing well and decided to try my hand at it.
This is where MD comes into the picture. He's a successful broker. I'd always asked him if I were to get my license would he hold it for me. One cannot simply have a license. You have to have a broker who holds it. You don't necessarily have to be actively working but you do have to have an "employing broker". So it was always understood that he would hold my license for me. Even Crab was aware.
When I decided not to return to my job ever ever never ever I
A. Had a mini breakdown for a few weeks
B. Enrolled in class to get my license
C. Called MD and asked him to give me a job.
He said of course and welcomed me with open arms. Crab, not a happy camper. At all. At all.
But frankly, he's still not working. We're going on TWO YEARS.
I am so stressed and stretched to my financial limit.
My ex hasn't paid child support in God knows when.
I really don't care who doesn't like it.
So yeah. I'm working with/for MD.
For those who weren't around during my MD days let me go into that.
So when Crab was so adamant about not being in a committed relationship I always kept my options open. And one night those options came in the form of Mr Dangerous. MD is one of my lodge brothers. I never liked him. He was rude, flashy, arrogant and wild. I ran into MD one night while I was at The Spot where Crab was a bartender. Crab was working that night and saw me arguing with someone. MD. He had said something rude about my marriage. I think he'd said "From what I heard you're better off". I still was pretty devastated so I took that to heart. He apologized and then told me he was interested in PIC (my best friend) he asked if he could call me about her. I said fine. When he called...
MD: I don't want your friend. I want you. I've always liked you.
M: Well I don't like you so....
MD: Ok. Well give me a chance to change your mind about me. Let me make you dinner.
(talking talking talking....)
I accepted his offer.
So I go over his house and he starts to cook. I'm sitting there watching. He's talking all the while calling me Mrs Dangerous.
I asked when was the last time he'd been in a relationship and he said "right now" and gave me a hug and that's where it began. No lie... No lie... When our bodies touched it was like an immediate undeniable unexplainable electric connection. When he and I touch it's like our souls touch. I know this sounds dramatic but all the drama I put pales in comparison to the actual feeling.
I went from sitting on a stool in the kitchen to on the bed with my pants off and him inside of me in a matter of seconds.
And then, just as fast as it happen I came back to reality, I pushed him off, pulled on my pants and took off like a bat out of hell. He must have thought I was crazy.
I don't know how I ended back there but I did. That time I spent the night. I remember because the next morning he took me riding on his motorcycle and I had on stilettos (which is very unsafe). I remember my outfit. I looked super sexy! I digress. The sex with MD was amazing. I'd never physically connected with someone like I did with him. When we were together our bodies moved together perfectly. Perfectly. And he made me feel so sexy. One time in the middle of making love to me he picks me up, stands up, still inside me mind you, walks over to the mirror and says "look... I wanted you to see how sexy you are". Omg.... This man....
Well one day I went over his house for a fight party he was throwing in the back yard. Maybe like thirty minutes into being there out from the house stomps this screaming yelling chick in boxers, a t shirt and a head scarf. She's yelling about she didn't say he could have company. He's yelling back about about how it's his house....
When was the last time he was in a relationship? Right now...
I'd thought he was joking. You know like when he'd call me Mrs. Dangerous....
So things continued for a short time afterwards. Crab was very upset. But here's the thing. Crab had no (and truth be told still has no) interest in sex with me. He didn't (and still doesn't) even touch me. But still I loved him and didn't like upsetting him. So between that and realizing MD was in a relationship I stopped messing with MD.
But I never stopped thinking about him. Missing him.
We would occasionally text hellos. But I avoided him.
And now... I'm with him daily... I don't really know what to say about that right this very minute.
I know that this conversation occurred...
MD: What is it with us? I've always felt it was Kismit.
M: I know what you mean. But I never knew you felt it too. I wondered if it was something between us or just you. Is it just what you did to me.
MD: How can you say that and deny what you do to me? I think I married the wrong woman. I think im in love with you.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
I'm so sorry for being such a delinquent. I've done so much. Quit my job. Got my Real Estate license and then... For you old heads that have been with my blog from the beginning... Are you ready for this? No. There is no way to prepare you for the bomb I'm about to drop...
Yessss! The MD. The one I could never resist. Mr Dangerous. Mr Wrong but felt sooooooo right. Mr BEST I'VE EVER HAD!
It is a very precarious situation to say the least. It takes so much restraint. One of the first things he said on my first day was
"What is it with us. It feels like Kismit"
"Yeah... I know..." I told him.
Here's the thing... Well the things...
* Last time I was around him I made sure not to have any emotional connection. This time, we spend all day together. So we have developed a friendship if you will.
* He's definitely got a drinking problem. He drinks all day long
* I am now in a committed relationship with Crab
* He's MARRIED now.
The tension is real though... Real.... The control I have to exercise is extreme.
And his wife confronted me!
Yes she did....
Thursday, January 17, 2013
I gotta get a hold of this. But I don't function well on substances so I don't want anti anxiety meds because I don't want to be high all the time.
M: What is with you today? You are totally like... I don't know the word for a man, but if it were a woman it would be feisty. You're... Snappy
C: I didn't snap at you. I snapped at the kids maybe.
M: Sparky maybe... Like Grrrrrr.... maybe. But it's okay. Everybody has their days and you are so great on any regular day. I mean, I know I have mine.
C: Yeah you do!
M: But most of the time I'm a sweetheart. Like 87% of the time I'm sweet.
C: Where'd you come up with that number?
M: I don't know...Like 4 to 5 days a month I'm crabby.
C: No more like about 2 days a week you're a real butthole (exact word he used!). But I'm used to it.
M: (laughing) Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!?! OMG! Nooooooooo
C: Yeah you can be a real asshole. Like you disagree just to disagree.
(Mind you we are laughing this whole time because that is how we argue. With laughing. It's like the spoonful of sugar to make the medicine go down)
So I'm all...
M: No I want to be sweet. I want you to be like "I have the sweetest girlfriend ever"
C: Oh that went out the door a long time ago!
M: What!?!?!? Are you serious?
C: Yeah I 'm serious!
So the rest of the night I was like GAAAASP!.... GAAAASP!
I hate thinking that I'm an asshole. Well no. I hate thinking that I don't hide my asshole-ish-ness well because I'm definitely an asshole but I thought I hid it well!
Have I told y'all about the sound? (The Sound is NOT the issue) Now this is very embarrassing but I make a sound when I'm stressed or upset or uncomfortable. It's a gasp. Sometimes it's little. Sometimes It's really loud. Sometimes it sounds like I'm taking my last breath. If I'm in public strangers come to my aid and I have to explain that it's just a nervous tick.
Well another thing about the sound is that people who know about the sound automatically know I'm in some type of emotional distress. So it's hard to hide when something is wrong. So lately I've been freaking out about being at Crab's house again. I am having those not wanting to over-stay my welcome feelings again. So things will be good and we'll be chilling. Watching TV and this is usually when it happens. So I start with the sound. He'll ask what's wrong and I'll either say I don't know or nothing. But he knows that's not true. So I start making the sound then I freak out and try and leave because I just can't stand the thought that he may want me to leave. But when I do that he will say "You're gonna go home and do what?" That lets me relax for a few more minutes sometimes even an hour more.
But I'm not going to stress about it. I've come a long way. And every week I'm seeing growth. I know that I can get over it.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Ooooh.... I didn't tell you all just how nasty I was talking on New Years! I can't remember what I said but I can tell you the word hole/holes was used a lot. And tight. Yeah I said that a lot too ! And.... And... It was particular good because I got the kind of spit (whoa I just got a flashback that made me gasp and shake a little bit) that I love where he lets it go slow (omg I cant! I'm getting butterflies thinking about it! Whew!) and I come up to meet it! Oh! It was fun talking! And I wore a new outfit. It was a corset in that teal Japanese Sakura fabric with a lace tutu like skirt (it was super short) and fishnet (with the big net. Not the little kind) thigh highs and above the knee boots .
Friday, January 4, 2013
Usually when I see this dude he doesn't speak to me. I don't speak to him. It's a simple exchange of our offspring when he actually follows through with his obligations, which is rarely ever kind of never... So anyways... He recently told my son "I don't like your mother". 2 days before Christmas he was supposed to take Mini for an afternoon so that I could buy Mini's Christmas presents. As a single mother sometimes Christmas shopping is difficult because your kid is ALWAYS AROUND! So he said he would and then proceded to blow me off for the entire afternoon. Then he calls me around 8:30 pm in his happy jipper voice and said he's close but.... his company Christmas party is that night and he wants to go. So then he's silent. And so am I because that was information that I didn't need to know. So he's like "So......" and I'm like "So..... what? You want me to send him down now?" And he's like "No. I just told you my company party is tonight So?" So I say "We'll meet you out front in 5 minutes." And I sent Mini with an overnight bag.
Why the fuck would I care about him wanting to go to his company Christmas party? I could give a flying fuck about his wants and even going a step farther his needs!
Fast forward to yesterday. With no call to say "Merry Christmas son." nor a "Happy New Year Son" call he calls me at work. He has on his stupid ass happy jipper voice and tries to act as if we are friends and he says "I need a favor." Mmmm Hmmmm... "I need to be out of my apartment in like a week because they want to sell my apartment. I'm one of the only renters" Oh really.......... "So if you know of anything or you can help me find something I just would be..." he couldn't even say the word appreciative or grateful because he has no inkling of what those feelings mean. "And something $800 or less" he says. Um we live in NJ. You are only going to get a spot in the HOOD for that amount. So you're riding around in a brand new Range Rover but you can only afford Studio rent. You are such a EFFING GENIUS! So I told him "If I hear of anything I'll let you know". And he says "Yeah because I only have a few days to find a place"
Oh so you waited till the last minute huh? Cause I know a landlord cant just say... I want to sell this apartment so you have a week to get out. And didn't January just start so wouldn't you have till the end of the paid month? Something smells a bit like eviction. Bet you wish you still had that money you used to take some chick on a week's vacation the Dominican Republic. Or maybe you can sleep in that Range Rover. Does it have a kitchen to go with all of the ridiculous TVs? No? Sigh... too bad.
But anyway.... NOT my problem Sociopathic Wife Beater and emotional abuser!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
I hope you all had happy and safe ones. Crab and I went to my Dad's house and hung out with him and his fiance for New Year's Eve. I swear they have really hit it off. Crab likes my dad... my dad likes Crab... it's perfect! I'm sure my dad plans on taking Crab out to the golf course when the weather gets warm which I know Crab would love. We are planning to go to dinner sometime soon. Well we got over there and started talking and drinking and eating and watching TV and ended up not leaving until 4:00 in the morning! I kept saying "Oh Crab I'm sleepy..." and he said "OK we'll go after I finish my drink". 4 drinks a 50 new conversations later I'd be like "Oh Crab I'm sleepy" and again he's say "OK. We'll leave after I finish my drink! This went on until 4am!
The next night we went to my mother's for dinner. We only stayed there for like 2 hours. But it was just as enjoyable. They both really like him! Of course the difference is my mother seemed to try and tell him every embarrassing thing she could think of about me. I'm weird..... I put a hot dog in my purse when I was 5... Yeah it happened. Somebody gave me a hot dog I didn't want it. I put it in my little silver purse. Which I then put in the toy-box For years. Yeah it happened ONCE. But of course she made it seem like I was always walking around with hot dogs in my purse. But it really didn't make a difference because he already know I'm weird from his own observation so....
So that was my little New Years...