So I've been thinking a lot about what ifs lately. Not necessarily regrets... but what if I was not so scared of rejection. Where would I be. And im talking past what ifs and present what ifs.
Like what if I wasn't scared to show people (men specifically) how I felt. What if I wasn't scared to initiate a hug or a kiss? Like right now, if I initiated a kiss I probably debated it in my head, counted to 5, then said "Ok really on 5 this time!" before I actually acted. Would something in the past that was casual and fleeting have grown into an amazing relationship. Or would I have been pushed away only to become me even more terrified of opening myself up to rejection. Would that night that I jumped up threw my clothes on and ran like a bat out of hell had been an amazing night together, that led to more amazing nights?
Now don't get me wrong, this is not regret because every thing I have done thus far in life has led me to this very exact moment. And I honestly do appreciate every moment I have good and bad. But I just wonder what would have been. Who would I have been? Would I still be me, just not me in desperate need of affection. Would I be in good hug standing? My touches would linger my kisses be soft and not stiff quick pecks. I would be close enough to hear or feel someone's heartbeat. I love that. Heartbeats...
When I'm at Crab's I almost always have a drink. And it's not that I'm an alcoholic. Seriously... I'm not. But I love being able to look him in the eyes and not look away. Or touch him for more of than 4 seconds. And those are regular count, not those one - One thousand, two - One thousand, 3 (you get the point) seconds. I like being able to open my mouth and honest to G-d unfiltered Me comes out. I like that.
If I could let go would I fantasize about sex more than I do just being held. Cause I do you know... I fantasize about touching and holding freely. I fantasize about touching someone for more than the aforementioned 4, 3, 2, 1 OK that's enough.
And get this, I drink so I can and then, later when I'm sober I beat myself up about it. I cringe to think of how I allowed myself to be vulnerable. How I didn't look away. How I reached further and pulled closer. I feel ashamed of being so openly affectionate. I feel foolish. Foolish (repeated so you know I mean it!) But it feels so good in the moment. And I want it. And I want it sober without my muscles stiffening. It's confusing.
What if someone said "It's ok, if you hug me I'm not going to run. I actually like it." Could I do it? Am I capable? Or would I still be too scared? And you know what just ran through my head after writing that? "No one wants you hugging them"
I'm sick. I'm so craaaaazy!