So I was talking to a friend of mine today about my antsyness. I want to be with someone 100%. I know. I know. It's like "Well you aren't helping your situation Di..." Yes I know. But I must come here to complain. I've built a wall of secrecy in my regular life surrounding my romantic or lack there off situation. And on top of that I have been known to bite the head off of anyone who questions it. Seriously go in... So. Basically... Don't nobody wanna hear this shit! And rightfully so. So today as I talked to my friend about my void, she said "Well I don't really want to say anything because..." and I cut her of "Yeah smart decision". See what I mean.
SO I think I need to reevaluate (YEAH I KNOW FOR THE 100th TIME! ) my situation. When I start to feel completely inadequate and my self esteem is suffering is when I usually come to this point.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I'm smart. I'm not ugly. I have a lot of earning potential. I'm caring. I'm giving. AND I'M GIVING. And I give good might I add. Really good. I come from a good family. So what... what do I need to work on? I think I'm not cool enough. I think I'm a bit geeky. I need a coolness factor. I'm gonna buy a bunch of shades. That makes people look cool. And I'm gonna be really serious and start saying every thing is wack. "That's wack..." "He's wack..." that make people seem cooler then everything and everyone else right? I'm not gonna smile too much either. And when I do it's gonna be one of those indescernable smiles. Am I being nice or condescending? Which one? You don't know... cause I'm so cool you can't figure it out...
I want to know my minuses. I really want to know WHY? I asked my exhusband. Why? What was wrong with me that you never really wanted ME. Not pretty enough? Not cool enough WHAT? - No answer
I asked Crab. Why are we not together? - "I don't know how to answer that." THE TRUTH. ANSWER WITH THE TRUTH. HELP ME OUT HERE! If I don't know why men don't want me then I can't correct it. I try and look nice. I try to constantly make strides in my career so I'm bringing something to the table. I try to be supportive. I care. I give really good head. And once I'm lossened up Im pretty good otherwise too. My ex said it was the best he ever had. I cook dinner. Sometimes it's a hit sometimes it's a miss but I TRY.
What the fuck!?!?!?!
I can relate I know how you feel...Almost feel like I have to be a bitch out here just to snag a man...smh
ReplyDelete@Suga -riiiight? Sometimes I think if i was lazy and selfish if have all the luck! I gotta check your blog out btw. I haven't been by in a minute!
ReplyDeleteI feel like this a lot...and I try not to question myself like, "WTF is wrong with me?!!" but it's hard...damn if not a relationship could I atleast have some options?!?! I like to go on dates and stuff. UGH! It's so frustrating at times.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel & it took me a long time to get to where I am now, where I don't question myself "WHY?" anymore. I'm 24 & never really had a boyfriend, always dated though. I always wondered why nobody would commit. I would ask & they gave the same answer as Crab. I felt so bad about myself, but I learned to work on me so I wouldn't question myself anymore. It took many years and a lot of work & no settling for " we're kind of together" aka fuck buddy. I'm the total package & one day I will meet someone who feels the same & isn't willing to give me up. I hope you will feel the same way one day. :-)
ReplyDeleteSorry for the super long comment, lol.
No problem. Say as much as you need. Let it all out!
ReplyDeleteI read somewhere the reason Black women have a hard time getting married is due to our accceptance of these psuedo relationships. I think it may be a big contributer. Although I AM married! Oh how easily I forget! HA!
@Starla It's hard not to wonder why when you see chicks who are just UGH with men. And when I say UGH I mean personality not looks.
ReplyDelete