Tuesday, April 5, 2011


Awwww I miss my "not my boyfriend boy friend". That's what my mommy calls my CrabMan. "How's your not your boyfriend boyfriend?"  She likes my CrabMan and so does my dad. That's a first. And my dad hasn't even met him yet.  Probably because since he's been around they never have to bail me out of situations.  He's good for me.  And for them!

Our schedules have been conflicting and I swore they had aligned themselves and then his work schedule changed for today. Now I gotta wait till Thursday. 

I miss him though. Last time I was with him I layed my head down on him and didn't want to let go of him. But again that fear of affection took over and I thought "your being a weirdo and he probably wants you off.  Get off of him!" But I really just wanted to hold on so bad.  What would it take for me to not be afraid.  I still think of the time I asked him to just hold me, and he did with no problem.  And it feels good.  Just the memory.  I'm still sucking that memory dry whenever I need to. But I want to just be near him. Next to him.  On him.  I seriously use that memory or my imagination to fulfill any need for affection.  I wish he knew how bad I wanted it though.  I wish he knew that sometimes well a lot of times I just want to lay with him. But I cant tell him. I can't initiate it.  Cause I'm crazy.

I'm wondering what is an accepted amount of time for things like that before you feel weird.  I hear a lot of people talk about cuddling and I'm thinking id probably like that too but do any of you feel weird about it.  Like do you think its like cuddling for 1 minute is the acceptable amount or do you not even worry about if dude thinks your on him too much and cuddle to you're content?

Remember I used to cuddle with MD?  I liked it but I kept it as a part of what I had to do so that I didn't feel emotions attached to it.  Any amount of time didn't matter because I didn't look at it as me showing affection.  It was just the last step to our encounters. It was how he liked to close the show.

I have so much more affection in me than I give him. And there are certain times I give him affection in my own way. I asked him if he feels it. He said he does.

On another random note.  When they intro the contestants on Jeopardy and they tell their little anecdotes or whatever it always sounds like they should've said "I guess you had to be there..." at the end.


  1. OMG, you sounded just like me in this post. I'm hooked now, you gotta keep this story going.

    I looove cuddling. I never knew how much I did 'cause I've always been such an emotional retard; can't express my feelings, very paranoid about my personal space, deathly afraid of the "L word," blah blah blah... I didn't realize how much I needed that physical touch until Rabbit, but I didn't know how to express that and eventually it killed us. Mouth is uber affectionate and I love it, but a part of me wishes he were Rabbit. I hate that I miss him. Back to you, though, if he lets you, do it A LOT. I am sure he won't mind at all. And the more you just hold each other, the more you'll want it. It's very addicting.

  2. OMG I didn't want to say it but when I read your blog I'm all... "Am I living a double life somewhere?"

    I'm SO paranoid about personal space and touching. And whenever I get drunk I let the L word loose like a wild mustang cause I know it's the only time it'll get out.

    I'm gonna go for it. I really am. Your comment really gave me hope that I can do it. I was always like this but the Ex was just like Rabbit and pretty much put the nail in the affection coffin.