Well I've been crying off and on since like 3:30
So today I was talking to Crab about the ex boyfriend of an aquantance of mine Angel. Her ex Nude Mike is having a really hard time with the breakup. Its been months but he is crushed. He tweets about it every day.Lately they seem to be reconciling. When the breakup first happened I had told Crab about it and he really felt bad for Nude Mike. Crab is very sensitive to love and feelings and he really hated how hurt Nude Mike was behind the breakup. So I was telling Crab how I suggested blogging to NM. I even let him read some of this blog.
Anyways I was telling Crab how hard NM loves. NM loves Angel truely madly deeply. He can't get enough of her. He breathes her. I told him today that kind of love may be a lot of pressure on a person. Crab agreed that it might be a lot of pressure to be someones everything. I told Crab I wanted someone to love me like that. He was like
C: You would want that?
M: Yeah. I never had someone love me.
C: I love you
M: I know you love me. I mean...
C: I know what you mean.
M: anyway you know I don't like talking about it. It makes me sad.
C: why does it make you so sad?
M: you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Remember iwhen I was reading the book.
I usually cut that convo short. You guys know how badly it depresses me. But I guess it was long enough to get to me today because now I keep crying. My cheeks are raw from the tears. I must have acid tears today. I hate to think about it.why I haven't been loved. Convincing myself that its possible.
Inside
The core of me believes I was put here to love but never to be love. That loving me, being in love with me is not possible. And if I want to be happy I have to accept that. But it makes me sad to think that its true. But I believe its true. Not my mind. My mind knows that's crazy talk. But the part of me that is who I am, the soul of me I guess believes this to be true. And it hurts. Sometimes physically like an ache in my chest. It put me into this terrible place of melancholy.
OMG I know exactly what you mean.. I've loved with all my being before. More than my heart. I loved with all of me twice in my life. Both times they weren't reciprocated. I know I'm capable of loving fiercely because I have, but I honestly don't think I'll ever know what it's like to be loved like that. I've had men tell me they love me, and I believed most of them, but it was never one of those deep loves. It kind of depresses me if I think about it, so I don't. I think I'll always have lopsided love relationships. So thanks for opening that wound :P
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Laki. You know I tried to erase this post. For some reason it double posted. I deleted it and one left and the other stayed. But it was no longer on the list to be edited or deleted. But these are feeling I hate to face. Its hard...
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