Shadow Boxing

So I think I'm going to revisit the more I love the less I trust him.

It seems as time goes by I trust Crab less and less. But I don't think it has anything to do with anything he's done.  It has more to do with my own feeling of be vulnerable.  I hate feeling vulnerable.  I'm not sure I ever really let myself go with anyone and slowly but surely I'm having a hard time keeping emotions in a box.  They are spilling out here and there.  Like the night I kissed him.  I just layed one on him.  It was so natural. Unplanned.  Relaxed.  It felt just fine. And I did it again and again and again.  I even hugged him.  Like for a minute.  I didn't let go.  Easily.  Things like that don't happen with me easily.  This would be the regular way things happen...

I would say in my head

You should kiss him. I want to kiss him but if I do he may not want to be kissed and who wants to kiss someone when they don't want to kiss and what if i taste like the vodka I was drinking.  I don't want to taste like vodka. Ok on three.  One two thr... well I don't know he looks like he's gonna get up. Oh he got up never mind.  Oh he's sitting back down do it now.  Okay now. Damn well. On three again.  One two you can't. You can't.  It'll just be weird.  Don't do it.

That is how things go.  But lately its a little easier. And that makes me feel really... naked and completely unprotected.  How do I protect myself when I am letting myself feel things uncontrolled.  I need my emotions to be controlled at all times.  So how do I deal with that lack of control?  I become defensive.  I have to defend myself.  But how do you defend yourself from someone who is not attacking you?  You convince yourself that they are somehow. You don't know how but they are.

But I'm not fighting him. It isn't him I take issue with.  Its me.  I take issue with me touching him kissing him and allowing my love to be expressed without any reigns.  So I fight myself.  This self that is being reckless with my heart.  I throw jabs at her.

"He doesn't even really like you like that"
"He is gonna drop you soon! This can't last"
"You are so stupid"
"You should be embarassed"
And then I lash out at him.  But I'm not mad at him.

I'm just terrified of me.