But I am looking at things objectively. I cant see my whole thirties go by without living it. Crab is great and I love him with every little piece of my heart. But... I gotta love me more. I gotta want more for me. I just refuse to do anything I don't want to do. I don't want to date other people just to do it. I need a spark I need real raw attraction. I'm not into getting to know someone to see if I eventually feel something. I want I feel your presence from across the room heat. Thus the reason I opted to stay seeing Crab until something really sparked my interest. Plus I just didn't want to be without him. Just the thought of it would send me crying. Remember the time Crab and I weren't speaking and I watched and episode of Spongebob when Gary left Spongebob for Patrick and the song Spongebob sang about Gary caused me to have a breakdown. Yeah this is the shit I avoid. I stay for a variety of reasons.
The reason I'm willing to see what is up with Homeboy again is because he is the only one I've been truly interested in. He's the only other spark. I've dated a couple. Some I haven't mentioned here because the weren't even worth it. (and I didn't tell Crab so...) Anyway. You should hear me and Homebody together. Half the time we are laughing so hard we can't get out what we are trying to say. We have a lot in common personality wise. We are definitely very attracted to each other and we are on the same page parenting wise. So maybe he's approaching more of a settling down phase.
I told him about the surgery. He's so nervous. He said wants to be there. He wants to come and see me go in and be there when I wake up. That's the kind of companionship I've been looking for. Now Homeboy or not, ask me if Crab came to the hospital when I was there for a week getting blood transfusions this summer? Ask me if I even think he will come see me after the transplant.
So I'm not saying I'm leaving Crab alone and I'm gonna be with Homeboy. Just that my eyes are open to the possibilities of having the whole enchilada. And I love Enchiladas!