Don't be chicken shit!

Um.  I love these times when I'm so satisfied.  I'm just at peace right now with where I am.  But then I have nothing to bitch and complain about.  Oh well...

Told y'all about Eye Candy right...? Well these chicks said not one word to him yesterday.  I was playing with his son though and talking to him a little. Just joking and being silly.  Now I have absolutely no interest in dude whatsoever. None. Zip. Nill. Null. Zilch. Nada.  And I have no intentions of trying for him.  But I said

"I'm giving you bitches two more weeks to make a move!"  Of course I'm not going to do anything.  Just joking with them.  So 10Spot decided to come back and put me on the spot.

"Your not gonna do anything!  You love Crab."

She totally caught me off guard!

"You might as well pick up the phone now and tell him you love him. Do it!" 

I'm like "What's that gonna prove?"

She kept pushing and pushing till she finally laughed and said "do it for me! I want to see what he says" Ahhh haaaa... so this was about noseyness eh? Glad I didn't fall for her trying to antagonize me into doing anything just to prove her wrong.  Sometimes if challenged I'm so set on not looking afraid that I do stupid shit "DB I bet you won't jump off that bridge..." and I'm like " oh yeah. Watch me!" Two seconds later..."uh oh..."

I didn't tell Crab about this though... I think id be embarassed about it. Lol! 

Diana is Happy!!! Its the simplest things that do it.

Am I hot?

I am coming down with summer fever.  I feel it!  I feel so confined.  I want out!  Out of the house.  Out of all these clothes! I want the windows down!  I'm hating cold weather right now.  And if it didn't bother me so much when people say "With a passion"  I would say I hate it with a passion.  But I don't say that... so....

 

Mind you... everytime this year I start saying "This is gonna be MY SUMMER!"   No lie I say this shit

 

EVERY

SINGLE

YEAR

 

For like... ever I've said this! 

 

And every year I mean it.  But I have to say last summer wasn't all that bad.  A little scandalous!  Very pleasurable!  very... very... sigh....  nice!  ***** Snap Back!****

 

So what fun is there to be had this summer?  What will my summer theme be?  I always have a theme.  Summer before last it was nautical.  When I told people they straight laughed at me.  I remember the day!  Then all those dumbies sweated me all summer for my take on nautical.  It wasn't literal DUMBASSES!  Last year I can't remember having a specific theme but I think I was very into dresses which will carry over to this summer but I've never been big on prints.  But I think this summer I'm leaning Nicole Miller-ish....  you feel me.... Mo, UCB my resident fashionistas!?  Which I'm not.  I suck at fashion.  These are my feabile attempts

 

But anyway.  I digress!

 

BEER!

CHARCOAL!

BREEZES!

DRESSES!

HEAT! 

 

Okay I'm about to call  PIC!

 

 

 

 

Quickie

I had a great weekend with my little guy. He kept me laughing all weekend! His dad really missed out because he was really in rare form and a true comedian. I have a monsterous zit. Mini keeps teasing me saying "hey mommy" and when I say "what" he says "nice pimple!"

So the whole "I'm going on vacation" thing was a lie. He just wanted to get out of his weekend. He's a loser.

Mini has been on the computer all night. He somehow got the idea that if he typed order + whatever he wants he has ordered it. So he's been "ordering" cell phones all night and hitting his dougie and sexy walk after he presses enter thinking he's just bought something. I even heard him say once"yes! Two for the price of one!" He's so nutty.

Homeboy is back. Still misses me. Yup. Id miss me too! I'm dope! My brother even said so...

Ramblage

No drama to speak of.

I skipped a birthday party for one of the girls I hang out with every week. I did it because she always has an excuse for not showing for things me and PIC do. So PIC and I discussed it and decided not to go. I'm not a spiteful person so I kind of feel bad but another part of me feels like I have to start giving back what I get. So if someone has no problem disappointing me I should have no problem doing the same.

PIC bought a house and we are starting to plan a cookout housewarming for when the weather permits. This should be fun and I'm excited for her and can't wait to get started. Its in the hood though. Like really in the hood. But I'm happy for her none the less. She likes to move a lot so although buying a house is a great thing, I worry about what happens when the magic feeling of home ownership wears off and she wants to move again and now she's stuck with the house.

Sis came over to borrow money. We sat and talked for a while. It was nice. Poor her. She's going through it right now financially. But aren't we all?

Movies, Deadbeats, Little Crabs and Bare Coche

Well the weekend is almost here and the only thing I have planned is Diary of a Wimpy Kid with Mini on Saturday morning.  I just called and invited one of our friends and she says "Sure but JJ has a party at Chuckie Cheese at 1" 

 

so I'm all... "Well that might be a lot of rushing for you.  You don't have to come because we were gonna go regardless.

So she's like... "Oh it's not a problem. JJ wanted to see that"

So then I'm all... "Uhhhh.... how do I say this?  I'm uninviting you now cause I don't want to end up at Chuckie Cheese's after JJ mentions it to Mini.  Sorry..."

 

She laughed and totally understood.I mean I'm not getting okey doked into that!

 

I was hoping to get some time spent with the CrabMan but Mini's father pulled the old One, Two, By The Way I Can't Take Him This Weekend I'm Going on Vacation Punch on me.  Must be a free vacation.  Perhaps he filled out one of the forms on one of those boxes at the Chinese take-out and won the free trip because he hasn't given me a decent amount of help since around October/November.  I need a vacay.  I should fill out one of those forms too!

 

So today I was thinking I'm so grateful that I'm a little smarter these days and know how to handle things.  Experience plus my Little Crab on my shoulder (CJ - CrabJr) really has helped me avoid sticky situations.  I used to let anyone get away with anything.  Now I'm definitely more assertive.  I still need work but when shady things happen I have Crab's voice in my head saying "Did you check him?" and that's kind of when I pull myself together and take care of things the way I should. Even though I know a lot of the time I am doing it so that I have an acceptable answer to the aforementioned question, whatever way makes it happen it happens.  And that I am proud of myself for.

 

I'm going to HAVE to start doing some exercise at home because I can't be a porker for the summer.  I think there is too much fun to be had and if I feel fat it will definitely put a damper on things. I plan on wearing lots of sundresses! OH DRESSES!  I can't wait for Dresses!  I love dresses....  Wanna know a secret.  Well not a total secret, just half secret because my girlfriends know.  If I have on a dress odds are, I'm not wearing panties. I like air.  If the dress is long guaranteed no panties, short there is more of a possibility.  This goes for skirts as well. 

What in the..

So in who's mind does the following occur?

You know... I just don't know what happened with DiannaBoss... Our convo was good, we were vibing on Facebook. Then she just cancelled on me. Said it wasn't the right time for her right now... You know what I should do? Go in the bathroom, strip down naked and take a full body shot and send it to her. Yes! Perfect idea! I'm so smart!

What the hell! Why do men do stuff like that?!?!?!

It said "For You"

Oh contraire mon frere... That shit is not for me

The Unpretentious Narcissist

Also known as The Voice Of Reason...

Catchin the Vapors

I think that there are different levels of attractiveness. For men and women. Some men are attractive because they are:

Muscular (wink)
cuddly looking
smooth looking (wink wink)
smart looking
upbeat

Some women are attractive because they are
classy looking
sweet looking
stylish

But there is one level of attractiveness that gets straight hated on by women who are not in that arena

SEXY

Why do women hate on other women for being sexy?!?!?! She got her titties out? So what they aint your titties, what do you care? Her dress is to tight? So what, it aint your dress, what do you care? Her skirt is too short? So what? They aint your legs out! So what do you care for? I find it so annoying. I'm watching Love and Hip Hop and Jim Jones' girl is hating hard! And it is obviously because Somaya is sexy. Chrissy is a cute girl. But Somaya is Sexy. And she's talented (on some level, she seems to have her head on straight) If you asked me who'd I hang with first it would be Somaya. I like sexy chicks.

Commitment - Clarification

Ok so I was thinking about some of your comments and I don't know why it didn't hit me to clarify before but I figured some clarification is in order.

Crab and Commitment
I am not looking for a commitment from Crab. Obviously there is something that is off in terms of compatibility. There is something that is not right. And that isn't a bad thing. It just is what it is. We connect on many levels. But there is lack of a connection somewhere, could be in several places. Could be something seemingly completely superficial. But whatever it is, it has allowed for 1 year and 6 months of a "special" friendship. I never want to be with anyone who has had to compromise to be with me. I think we've all gotten ourselves into situations where we give somebody a chance because they are nice and even though we don't feel it they seem like the person we should want to be with. Well you know what? I don't want to be that nice person that some should be with. I want to be that nice person that someone has to be with because they want it. I am not someone to pressure someone to go somewhere, do something with me if their initial instinct is to say no. I don't want to convince anyone of anything. This is a main reason I don't want a commitment from him. Because it never just naturally occured. When it's right, I believe there won't be any of this, me and that person will fall into place.

Here is where things get sticky. We obviously have feelings for each other. So while I want to find that whole relationship, I love this man. You understand? He is my companion. He is my friend. He is a protector. He is even a provider. He fulfills pretty much everything that a Boyfriend/Man would do.

However, it's like having a puzzle all put together but with the corners gone. It's a beautiful picture, but it's not complete. And even though there are 96 pieces together, those 4 pieces make it incomplete. It's not Crab's fault, it's not my fault. It just is what it is. We still love this puzzle. We could frame it and put a matte around to cover the missing pieces, but you know what? The puzzle is still not complete. It may look good at first but it will shift and move and fall to pieces if we decided to do that.

But you spent all this time with the puzzle and you love it! Even without the 4 corners. You get it? I love my puzzle. I tell him all the time. I love you. Because that is the truth. So it's hard to think of losing him (because we do have feelings invested). You see it would be easy if we didn't get along. If there was negativity, animosity, anger. There is none. Just this man that supports my goals, dreams, that is a motivator, a protector, a provider a friend, comic relief. It's hard to turn and walk away from that.

I just needed you all to understand that. He's not a bad person. He's a GOOD person. He doesn't take advantage of me. He's giving. He is considerate. This commitment thing is not an argument or point of contention. It just is what it is. Naturally jealousy occurs; a possesiveness occurs, but at the end of the day, it is what it is.

Open Tryouts...

Ok so I amazingly remember the CrabMan's instructions and got all of that done before I picked Mini up from PIC's. Chicken is in the oven, greens are cooking, Mac & Cheese is next. Hopefully we will be fed by 6:00.

I'm feeling like I might be headed towards the no man is worth a relationship stand point. I think that at some point. Not now... But eventualy I will just have to have certain men for certain things. I'll have to find one to bring to functions, one to cuddle with, one to fuck and one to talk to. After all of those positions are filled there may be more needs that open up but I think that is a good place to start. And that will be that. All needs fulfilled, and no heart to be broken or disappointments. I really don't think any of them are to be trusted nor do I think any of them have the ability to be 100%. My dad told me that a long time ago and I think he was probably telling me the truth so....

So I'm gonna have to scout talent soon and eventually start tryouts for the team. Scouting in the spring, tryouts for the summer and the season should start in the fall. Sounds like a plan huh?

(Picture me in some tight short shorts {cuz I look good in short shorts} and a wife-beater that says COACH and some cute sneakers and a whistle... Uh oh..... I'm getting some COACH shirts made for the summer. AND A WHISTLE! "Oh here go hell come." - Calvin, The Fashion Show)

The next day

Ugh. So sorry for the drunk over-posting! Still in a bit of confusion but I'm pretty sure that I'm disappointed. Oh well. I guess its like this, there are certain things that are hard to do. Like.... let's say.... honesty pacts. But uh.... if one person is full disclosure and the other person is partial, then then pact is null. Both people must be held to the same standards. And I am in no way saying that my disappointment is spawned from some huge reveal. Its just... the revelation seemed to be out of error and not honesty. And that hurt and disappointed me.

Oh well. I think I'm in a bit of a growth period and I'm going to be okay I'm sure. I'll be much better on the other side. Stronger I'm sure. I just gotta make my way through it and this time on my own. Not with any hand holding. I'll be a much stronger person for it.

Oh...... boooooooy..... here we go again.....

Sigh.... I'm in a mood right now. Definitely not a good one. I think I will probably have a lot more to say in the next couple of days... I know when things upset me, but I really need to digest before I can determine if something makes me angry, hurt, disappointed or whatever.  Negative feelings are hard for me to decipher unless I'm drunk.  When I'm drunk, every single frustration I bottled up over the week, two weeks, month comes out.  Nasty...

Anyway... so I think I was just disappointed.  I don't know.  I think I'm disappointed because I'm feeling sad.

More later I guess...

I'll pass on the snuggie...

So I cancelled with Rome which led to him posting emo Usher "you don't gotta call" and Pharelle "Frontin", WHICH is EXACTLY why I don't facebook friend dudes. But he was an existing friend and I'm sure he'll get over it.

I think I did the right thing because why give up my big comfy warm down Egyptian cotton security blanket for what might very well be a snuggie. I'm not gonna lose my best friend for a probable/possible dud or even worst heartbreak. I don't gamble because I hate to lose.

On another totally random note... Remember that comedian who used to come on Comic View (does that still come on? I don't watch BET anymore) that used to say "Haaaaam Sandwich!" HaHaaaaa

On another totally crazy note...

I so have dysmorphia! I always feel extremely obese and Ugly. A lot of the time when I look in the mirror or at pictures I have to pretend that it's not me. Because I think I'm less hard on myself if I pretend it's someone else

This is me (minus my face of course)


(sidebar - I don't just take random body shots. My friends and I always send pics of our outfits before we go out for preapproval. I'm sure you ladies probably do too. I always cut my head out though)

But unless I think of it as some random person this is what I see




I gotta google it and see what I can do to make it better.

Priceless

So as usual UN helped me to understand the dynamics of relationships yet again.

You all are well aware of my feelings of being unloveable. So unless someone says to me "I love you" I don't assume that they do.

But every now and then I have an "ah ha" moment.

Taking the time to leave your conference call to call me just to shoot the breeze with me for a couple of minutes because you know I needed to hear your voice. Well that made me feel (dare I say it) loved.

Life is incredibly boring right now so...
Sorry
I wish I had something for ya...
pero tengo nada

Quickie

Ok everything is back to normal (sidebar - I hate hearing people breathing heavy while they kiss on tv. One Jack Nicholson. That's just gross. iilk) I like the nice parts after bad parts. I always feel closer to someone at those times. And I was the only one in the bad part crying and stuff. I imagine he went through his own feelings I guess.

You know what... What I just wrote... the... "I imagine he went through his own feelings I guess." confirms to me that I still dont believe men have real feelings of love/romance/etc. I would say I need to work on it, but I'm pretty sure that until I actually have a relationship with someone who expresses these feeling to me I will not believe it.

Spongebob made cry!

I'm being a bad mother. I cant stop crying and now poor mini has to see his mother cry. We are home today. Mini is sick. And he's bringing me tissue. This is backwards. I told him it was allergies. But he's not buying it. We were watching spongebob. The episode Gary leaves him for Patrick. You have no idea... I was bawling.

I'm upset because I stalled yesterday. I said I'd cancel the date because I couldn't deal with losing Crab all together. But my heart knows what I've gotta do eventually. And i'm gonna lose him.

I can't expect him to put himelf through that for me. And he won't. thats the crazy type of thing I do. Normal people dont subject themselves to hurt. I do.

I want my Cake!

I want to find out what a real relationship feels like, but i don't want to lose Crab in order to find that out.

Apparently having both is not an option. There was a time when it could have been that way. There was a time I would tell him I was going out on a date and it was nothing. Apparently that time has come to an end.

I told Crab about my upcoming date with Rome. I know some may question why I would do such a thing. For any one who doesn't know, Crab and I are honest. Well I can only truly vouch for myself, but we have an understanding of honesty. And so i told him. He understood, but said he couldn't just sit back while i date. understandable. But I thought we would still be friends... I figured he couldn't carry on the physical but we would keep everything else. He says we cant.

I have to admit that i was excited about the possibility of finding a 100% relationship. But I don't know if I'm ready to lose one of my best friends for it yet.

I cried out all of my energy. I can barely even type anything more...

Ummmm....

Just in case you missed it...

ME! HE LIKES ME!

He thinks I'm pret-teeeee
He likes my conver-say-shun
And my taste in mus-ic...

and he'd hold my hand in PUB-LIC

Ok... I'mma stop...

I think I might go out late night tonight by myself for a drinkie-poo to a random bar!

Somebody give me a uniform and a backpack cuz I feel like a school girl

Ok so this is a very interesting situation. We know that I have very strict no Facebook Friending Rule for anyone that I may become romantically/sexually involved with. But I've never dealt with it going the opposite way around.

Dare I say it... It's been a fun day to say the least. Between the little post that he's been putting all day that I know are to me. Or the songs. But here's the thing... we have mad friends in common so of course our little flirting back and forth on each other's status are on their timelines. I know everybody is like "What in theee hellllllll is goin on?!?!?!"

But I like that too. He isn't trying to hide it. That's a first in a long time. Not being hidden. First my husband would hide me in the house. Then MD had a girl. Then a certain someone would never claim me.

And
God
Forbid
I
LOOK
At
Him
In
Public

Anyway Doe

So I post India Arie - Ready For Love

Rome - Why are you hiding from me....
Me- I'd quickly give my freedom, To be held in your captivity
R- i'm ready for love
M- Be careful what you ask for, cuz you might receive
R - HaHa, I aint scurred!
M- LMAO! Something tells me you're not!

So I text him that he's making me blush and he text back Likewise. So I text back GOOD!

So this FB flirting is kind of fun! NO ITS A LOT OF FUN! FUN! FUN! FUN! Somebody likes me and he has no idea about the super head so he actually likes

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh I forgot!

Oh Oh Oh... 

I forgot to tell you...

So remember I mentioned the hug and run with Rome and Lil Miss Sensitive?

 

Turns out Lil Miss Sensitive had seen Rome's comments on FB that he wanted to go to the show.  So she reached out to him that she had an extra ticket.  She told him what time to pick her up.  Then another female friend of his asked for a ride too.  So he said ok.  He told LMS and she seemed a bit bothered.  Then he got a text from her saying "So I guess this is our official first date".  He said he was totally thrown off.  He did not think of it like that at all.  PLUS everyone has always assume LMS was gay.  So he said that he didn't have any idea she thought it was a date until he was already on his way to pick her up and didn't want to hurt her feelings.

 

I told him I thought his whole Hi, Quick Hug, Bye thing was strange and I had assumed it had something to do with LMS.  He said when the show was over he was trying to inch away from her to find me because he wanted us to go grab something to eat after he dropped the girls off.

 

But I thought that was so funny how he ended up on a date with no proir warning.  He said kept brushing her hand against his leg and it was so awkward.  I said "Yeah, you look at her like a little sister right?"  and he was like "NO, not even.  I look at her like a little brother".

First Trip to Rome (Ha! That's sooooo corny!)

So Rome and I talked for a long time last night.  I'm not even sure what to say...

 

I'll tell y'all a little about him so that you know him a little better.  He's the same age as me "GASP!".  He's a ghost writer for some of your favorite rappers.  I always knew he was in the music business but wasn't sure in what capacity.  Apparently some new stuff is coming out in July so I'm looking forward to hearing it.  I'm pretty sure ghost writers don't tell you exactly what they wrote but I do know who the rappers are so when it comes out I'll have an idea.  He lives down the shore.  Oh I guess you all would call it "The Jersey Shore". He has 2 sons and he's all about them.  He cooks and he's always putting pics of what he cooks up and it always looks gooooood.  And I'm not even big on food like that! 

I asked a lot of questions and dug very deep.

 

Sometimes he writes these teeny tiny poems on his status.  This was his first post today

 

If i told u i was ready 2 settle down would u leave them niggaz alone,

if i said i wanted the whole 9,

kids, dog & home,

would u take a chance put it all on the line

if i promised to make u mine,

or would u say im runnin G & pay me no never mind,

just a question because u seem to be afraid,

truth is i feel u,

in this game of Hearts everyone's been played

 

 

Cute right?  Well, we are gonna go out next weekend. 

 

I'm not sure what to do tonight.  Probably sleep huh?  PIC called this morning and wants to go out tomorrow night and she said it's her treat!  We are going to some party a friend of hers is having so... we'll see how that goes.  But she said she'll be buying my drinks all night which is sweet of her.  But she knows WE DONT PAY FOR DRINKS anyway so that was silly!  But the thought is there which is sweet.  I have to remember not to drink and get my stank attitude though.

 

That pretty much sums things up!  I

Quickie

So Rome texted me to today

R - Hey Beautiful.
M - Hey. How are you today
R - Good. Everything alright?
M - No I'm hungry and I don't want to go out in the rain
R - LOL. Sugar melts in the rain.
M - Well I can't be lettin myself melt before I see you again can I?
R - LOL True

That's about all

And I don't think Crab is totally down with the PIC threesome idea.

And.... shenanigans back on!

So last night my cousin taped his comedy special and It was a lot of fun. Here's a bit of him hosting a show locally



Holla at me for a copy of the DVD....
He was on P. Diddy's Bad Boys of Comedy.

And if you're in the Philly area



Anyway. As PIC and I walked from the parking lot to the venue we were talking about her party. I told her that me and her "Friend" we'll call him Band, pretty much hung together the whole time. She was like "Band is crazy, he's stuck on this threesome thing. He has his eye on you!" So we laughed because it's nothing we haven't discussed before. Dudes asking us for threesomes is not new. I told you all about the time MD told me and PIC to come over b/c he's was having a get together and I got there and it was only him. It is something that is always brought up

Well anyway, at some point me and PIC were standing in the lobby having a drank... and we worked our way back to the threesome convo. I'm telling her how I want to do it but the only problem I have is I don't want just anybody because that's gross. I had met a waitress I was interested in and started talking to her on the phone and then the chick went and got knocked up! So in regards to miscellaneous choche PIC totally agree because we have had this conversation several several...several times. So I bit the bullet and said "Listen... we are just gonna have to figure something out." and she was like "yeah we are!". So this is good. I don't look at PIC like that but she's pretty, I trust her coche and her. She's my bestie! So I can totally try it with her.

Also... I ran into a Facebook friend Rome. He and I went to high school together, and I had the biggest crush on him back then. Then I had a total FB crush on him because we have the same taste in music and he writes the most thoughtful sensitive romantic things on his status. So anyway... I saw him, said hi, we hugged and then he walked away. I was like "WTF that's it?!?!?!" After I sat down he texted me "You're looking good. Dont leave without hollerin at me first" so you know me being the flirt that I am I'm all "Thanks and I had no intentions of leaving here without gettin at you first". So of course I'd made plans to hook up with Crab. He was just up the block at The Spot. He told me to call him when I was done. So the show ended. I looked around Rome and didn't see him. I was really trying to get to my Crab so I sent Rome a text "I'm out. Just call me sometime". You know I was trying to get to my Crab at that point. So I called him (Crab) like he told me to. Once Twice Thrice... Nada. So I went in my car and went home. Went I parked, his ring tone came on the radio. Ok I'm about to digress (I know y'all felt one of my ramblings coming on). Crab's ringtone is Drake - Find Your Love. It has been for a looooong time. I've change it from time to time but it never last more than a day. It's like that song is exactly how I feel. So the song came on and it made me sad because I really wanted to see him. I think I thought about how he doesn't ever choose me over hanging out and how unimportant I felt at that moment. I sat in my car and waited. I called one more time. Then I got out and went up

As I was putting my keys in the door the phone rang. Rome. I told him I had meetings today so I couldn't stick around after the show. He apologized for the brief hug and run but he was there with these 2 other chicks from high school (and I know one is a bit sensitive) so he didn't want to be rude to them. So we talked for a few and he said he really wants to take me out sometime. I said sure. He said he'd call me today and we'd talk more. I washed my face. Disrobed and climbed under the covers. No. I ate a piece of chicken first. That's when I started to feel drunk. That damned cheap ass SKYY Vodka. My head was hurting. My stomach was turning. Then I get a text from Crab.. He's ready. I told him I was almost asleep but I'd still come if he wanted. He called. we talked and he said it was cool go back to sleep. It was a disappointment not seeing him though cause I always want to see him and even more so last night. But there was no way I could have... OK I lie. I would have pulled it together and went if he said so.

Anyway I'm fighting of the effects of cheap liquor and looking foward to the fuckery I started brewing last night!

Far Away

I'm starving!

Meatloaf, Mashed potatoes, string beans and of course corn. It smells soooo good.

Um....

So.... Laz Alonso and I just had a moment. Well maybe it was just me having a moment with him. TMI? Probably. But y'all read this shit. I just write it. Night night

Sue me... I love him...

Wow. I'm so smitten. What do you do when your heart is totally devoted. There was a time when I was so amazed by him. He wasn't a person to me. He was all of these different components that made him seem so fabulous. But now he is just a man. In a good way. Without the clothes. Or the looks. Or the smell. (he smells absolutely edible). I love him. I love the confused look on his face when he just wakes up. And the way he runs his hands through his curly hair. I love watching him get dressed and the stance he has when he's adjusting his clothes in the mirror. I love it when he calls me baby. I love it when he's silly and calls me at work with phony accents. I love his kiss by the door. I love him you guys... I really really love him. I want to be the one to take care of him. I want to always be the one to pick him up from the train. i want to be the one he can talk to. I want to be the one he can always count on.

No one understands. I don't blame them. They don't know what this is. What is it that keeps this single woman totally devoted to a man that wouldn't claim me. They don't know how I feel like i could stand on the edge of a cliff and fall and I know he'd catch me. They don't know that without even knowing me very well he reached his hand out and pulled me out of a ditch, dusted me off and shined me up. He gave me the confidence i needed to step out into the world. He is the best friend I have. And no matter what, I'll catch him too. And no matter what I'll reach my hand down to him. Pull him up. Dust him off. Shine him up. I'm not the prettiest. My body is less than perfect. But I can tell you what is perfect. My love for him is so pure. Perfectly pure. I don't love him for his looks his money his smell his swag. I truly honestly love the soul that lives inside.

Okay enough. I just needed to get that out.

Screech (that's the sound of the Shenanigans braking

So I began the shenanigans and fuckery!

And quickly ended them.

It started with me accepting a date. Soon after accepting the date, dude started beating me in the head with bullshit about him needing to travel to Rome for a meeting and I was like

"Ummm... I don't think this is a good idea. I think you're really nice and I was looking forward to going out but honestly I'm kind of involved in something and I think accepting your offer was a poor decision"

He said he understood.

So I was completely turned off by being the target of such simple tactics. I'm better than that. That will not make me take my pants off.

Nope.

There is very little at this point that could actually get my pants off which is sad. Because when I think of what it will take for me to get to that point, I think it will be a looooooong time before I get some. And I want some now... so it's gonna be a loooong wait. I seriously need some toys. Seriously. Desperately. Because I think we (or my long time followers) know what I really want. My breathing is off just thinking about typing it. There is not one day, well maybe one day, but not two days that go by that I don't think of it.

When will it stop. What will ever come along and erase that from my memory? Will I be sitting at the dinner table with my husband 10 years from now still thinking about it/him...? I'm always scared of running into him because I am not sure if I will be able to control myself.

I swear it was like a drug. I've never felt that before. It was like ambien. it would immediately knock me out cold. And I would have a hard time keeping my eyes open long enough to drive the 5 or 6 blocks home. Sigh..... I'm sure he's not the only one in this world that has this ability. But I'm just not willing to fuck around until I find it. WOW I just had a flashback about a dream I had years ago about high school football players. WOW. Anyway... Back on subject though.... What if I never find that sexual chemistry with anyone ever again? I swear our bodies were just in sync and just moved together perfectly. We amazed each other.

UGH! WHHHHHHHY.....?!?!?!? I wish I had never found this out. I thought the only sex I had like that would be after smoking weed. I didn't think that kind of sex was possible without me having the aid of weed and alcohol. But it IS.... And how many dicks does a girl have to go through to find THAT one...MD?

DAMNIT Y'ALL...! Y'ALL caught me in a lie by omission! alright... alright.... Yeah so I left out a little bit of the MD convo. I knew y'all knew and you all just kept looking at me with that "Really Bitch? Really? So you just talked about brokers licenses huh...? okay." look until this moment when you've broken me down.

There was a little bit of

MD: I miss you.
M: I miss you too
MD: I can't tell
M: There isnt a day that goes by that you don't cross my mind
MD: Really?!
M: Yes really? But I got to do what I have to do for me. What's right. But I know that you are there any antime I want I can come get it
MD: Good. Anytime. You know that.

SO WHAT! DON'T JUDGE ME THIS SHIT IS NOT EASY.


OMG I even had the nerve to label this post UGH!

This just in

Somebody must have put out a bulletin for the foolishness to begin

 

Homeboy called.

 

He misses me apparently.  Hmmmmm...

I like candy...

So we all know I have weekly date with Mini and my friends. Well a new dude started coming with his son and last week we included him in the convos and welcomed into the group. He is a pretty attractive guy, nice body... and has affectionately been named Eye Candy by the girls. He wasn't there this week and the discussion somehow came to him being off limits... TO ME! WTF? Now I'm not saying I want dude but why is he strictly off limits to me? They say he's too nice and don't want me ruining him. LOL. First of all I can tell dude is far from innocent just by his demeanor but damn, I really wouldn't call myself a man eater. Then the next argument is that I'm monopolizing the stock. Lol and then I would end up getting bored and drop him! LOL

What's so funny was the main one saying he was not free game has a boyfriend. So I'm like that's not fair. First of all she has a boyfriend. The other chick who is drooling over dude is shy as shit and would never go for it anyway and the other chick, well in my opinion dude is fair game between the two of us. And then I'm the only one aggressive enough to go for him anywaaaaay so why does he have to be off limits to me? They said I would ruin him. I said they are trying to ruin our happyness!

It was all in good fun but DAMN. Can I live? Why are they hating on my supa dupa flirting skills. They need to be taking notes.

DBB IS BACK BIIIIIIIITCHES. I know its been a while but get ready for the shanannigans a fuckery. Summertime is coming and imma be ready.