That Foos-ball

So tomorrow Mini is going to the gym.  We are gonna try this football program at the gym Homeboy goes to. Homeboy sounds more excited than Mini!  Its so cute.  He wanted us to come yesterday but it was date night for Mini and I.  When I told him that Mini and I hadn't made it to date night he was like "Why didn't you guys come to the gym then?!"  I promised him we would come on Thursday. He knows the agony that I felt watching Mini do basketball so he says for me not to worry he'll be there with Mini if I don't want to watch.

I like that. :)

Gold Star for Homeboy

Just Babbling

Nothing to report on the man front.  Obviously Crab and I made up and things are okay right now.  I don't know what's going on in his noggin.  But as for mine things are good.  I love him as much as always. 

Homeboy.  Same old same old.  Apparently this weekend he didn't feel well.  I didn't call him because number one I was with Crab and number two because... I just didn't.  And I didn't call him Monday all day either.  Monday night he was a tad bit bent out of shape about me not calling him back when I said I would Friday but I didn't care much because he could have called me.  And if he doesn't feel well he should say that.  I've been trying to beat that into his head for as long as I've known him.  He thinks that I should know how he is and not get upset and I feel he should know how I am and be considerate and let me know he's gone into Homeboy Hibernation Mode   I don't think it's a lot to ask to not let more than 16 hrs pass before reaching out.  

Other than that, he wants me to put Mini in football camp at his gym.  We shall see.  Just trying to expose him to as many things as possible to see what sticks.  Ya know?

Homeboy and I were supposed to go to church Sunday but obviously neither one of us was concerned because we didn't go.  Our mothers happen to go to the same church so he was all "We should go to church and surprise them".  But we never did.  Maybe another Sunday.  

The -C

Oh my Mini.  What to do with him?  I finally opened his report card. I don't even know when I actually got it.  I'm never in a rush to open it.  I know he knows how to read.  He knows his math.  I see him do it every night so... there isn't much to see other than this bitch's complaints about his behavior

All A's and B's and

a -C.

In Behavior/Listening

He can't help it!  If he could he wouldn't have a -C.  Because he doesn't like doing bad.  He likes being good.  But he just can't control himself.  There's not enough reward and positive enforcement in the world.  And you know what, his behavior is obviously not affecting his learning.

But I made a Doctor's appointment to discuss it.  Sigh.... Oh Mini... He's just so full of Life and Energy!

Who am I to medicate his joie de vivre?

Ummmm....  I really would like Lynn and Ice Cold to come back around. Lynne said she'd be back soon but

***Looks at watch***

***Flips Calendar***

that was like forever ago.

And Ice, he never promised anything.  But I like having Ice around for that nice male perspective.  I mean, there's always UN  but he's off making music for the masses and being Dad of the Year which are both very important jobs.

I have an aunt who has been truly an angel to me!  We've never been particularly close.  After my Grandmother died when I was around 6 years old no one really bothered to be close.  I mean we aren't estranged, just you know... not as close as family should be I guess.  but in the past couple of years she has really put a lot of effort into keeping in touch.  she sends money and gifts for EVERYTHING!  like... Happy St. Patrick's Day!  Here's some money!  This was a gonna be a tight week for me financially. But, she just called and said "Hey check your mailbox.  There's money in there for you.  I figured you might need some."

I gotta do something nice for her!

That's a First!

Well The weekend was uneventful sort of... I guess me spending the night at Crab's was eventful because I've never really spent the night before.  I'd always get up and run off like my coach was going to turn into a pumpkin.  I'd do this at 4am, 5am even 6am.   I'd just kind of lay there wondering when it would be either ok for me to leave or was it ok for me to stay.  Friday I laid down probably around 8:00pm with absolutely no intention of leaving.  I came over in my sleepwear and got cozy.  And in the morning I definitely felt my usual "Run!  Run!  Where are your shoes?!?!?!?  Hurry up!  Get Out of here!" but I resisted and put on a movie to watch.  Then he seemed to want something different than our usual Dunkin Donuts breakfast which suggested to me he didn't want me to run off.  And I was there until like 2:30 and the only reason I left was because  my mother was like "Ummm.... come get your child.  And hurry up." Otherwise, I would have put on another movie and kept chilling.  So it was kind of a first.

Last night Mini and I went over there to watch the All-Star game.  It was so/so.  Mini and him are more than acquainted but Mini is hyper (as I told you before).  So I don't bring him with me often b/c being hyper combined with him just being excited to be there turns into super hyper.  It's just not a situation for relaxing.

Sigh...... (good sigh)

Had a great Friday Saturday with Crab.  Well... last night we just slept.  I caught up on the Braxtons while he drifted in and out I think when he was sleeping I was awake and then while I was sleeping he was awake. Then this morning woke up and he wanted fish and grits.  So we ate, relaxed, I watched a movie he did his facebooking twittering we watched Teen Mom 2.  I love watching tv with him because we always have great discussions about what we're watching.  Then my mother called and was ready for me to pick up Mr. Mini.  I wish I could have stayed though.  We are like perfect chill partners.  We just relaaaaax.  Watch tv... relaaaax moooore. This is a first for me.  Never had that with anyone.  Where we just chill out together and talk and laugh. I love that about him. We're actual friends you know.  Not just sex partners. 

Just be yourself

I think life may be easier when you feel you are worth something, when you think you deserve something and you strive to get it, than it is to feel the opposite and fight the urge to be what you truly think you are worth.  Which may be nothing.  If you just want to be yourself.  Which very well may be a piece of shit person.

Keep On Moving Don't Stop Oh....

My son is hyper active. I feel bad for him. He literally can't stop moving. It's not his fault. He can't help it.  I want to get him some medicine sometimes. Then I think what happens when he stops moving? Then what?  He gets good grades so it doesn't hinder his learning. But I know his lack of attention and ability to focus will keep him from doing things he wants to do. We tried basketball but he's too excited to even listen and learn the fundamentals. He continues to run down the court (during games mind you), with the ball tucked under his arm like a football. He's a great dancer and wants to take dance a class but I don't think he's be able to focus and follow the direction. I'll try though. But you have no idea the agony of watching this...

My poor baby...

Blah Blah Blah

My head is killing me from yesterday.

Homeboy.  He... I don't know...  He's back to the same shit.  I'm not gonna focus any attention on him.  It's actually coming up on 2 years since we met.  I didn't realize it had been that long until yesterday's old blog post fiasco and I read back.  I'm not gonna chase him or baby him when he gets moody.  He can call me when he's finished acting weird.  Maybe he's gotten another headache.  How do you call somebody to tell them you're in love with them and then go crawl under a rock for days. Whats the point? When he's good he's good but when he's bad he's dreadful or however that little prose goes.

In other news... I think I'm feeling depressed.  Like that depressed where you are fighting tears and for no apparent reason.  Like the bust out crying out of no where depressed.  Now that I type it out I realize it's not depression.  I'm just overwhelmed.  My life feels hectic. I feel so tired all of the time and I'm constantly hanging by a thread.  Like I want to quit sometimes but you can't when you're a mom.  But I'm feeding Mini fast food like everyday. I gotta get it together.

So I went to Crabs house after work.  He's gonna try...

:)

Ahhhhh Haaa.....

See now...  I went back and read....

Crab did a whole bunch of scimming through

There is nothing he didn't know already.  Like I said only little extra details.  I think it's less of him being angry about me telling him lies (which is what he was saying) as it is him being hurt by the details of what he already knew about.  Details about dates and what I liked about a person.  What we did.  Where we went.

I said me and Homeboy sat at the reservation and looked at the city and kissed a little.  He took that as
we made out
when in actuality it was like peck, peck peeeeck.  Like one of those kisses.  Homeboy and I have never kissed kissed.  EVER.

There was one post that I started
I lied.  So What?
He was like I never knew you were that type of person to say that, yada yada yada

I read it.
I had gotten mad at him and wrote a post on the blog "So Done" and said I wasn't speaking to him.  then I spoke to him so I wrote another post that started
I lied.  So What? I was on the phone with Crab 2 hours after I wrote "So done"

I see what has happened here.  He has read shit and taken it waaaaaaaay out of context.

there was one post where I HAD lied to him and I wrote

I LIED, I FELT TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE.  blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah 


I owe Crab honesty and loyalty.  So I told him.

Ok so in May of 2010 I told him a lie.  Then confessed and we hashed it out.  Now in February of 2012 he reads I LIED and nothing more.  Doesn't even think about how I lied 2 years ago and confessed to him and we work it out ALMOST A WHOLE TWO YEARS AGO.  And we discussed it TWO YEARS AGO.

Oh my God.  I'm less devastated now. I had no idea what he could have seen.  I had kept telling him "I'm so confused.  You sound crazy are you on something?" when he was ranting at me.  Because the things he was saying didn't match up to what I knew to be the past few years.  But I can be wild so I wasn't sure.  When I looked...

I ain't even do nuthin!

He quoted shit...

When it all falls down

Well Crab....

Crab has went back into my emails and read  blog post.  From the beginning... All the way back to MD.  He was able to see all the stuff I'd deleted because I blogged from my email a lot back then.  So even though it was no longer on the blog it was in my emails.  All the stuff with MD. ALL OF IT.  Even little insignificant people like Swizz.  Y'all don't even remember him right?  EXAAAACTLY. Because it meant nothing!

He's so finished with me. He went in on me.  Like... I don't think we will ever be friends again.

I am devastated.  And there is nothing I can say to turn it around because it's all facts.  He has facts.  Not suspicions, not he said she said.  All facts typed by my own fingers. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

I'm not sure what he read because it goes back YEARS.  But I am sure that there was things that weren't so good.  Damn like I said in the answer to Anonymous, I have not been an angel.  And he sees now just how un-angelic I've been.

My heart is broken.  And I think a piece of his is too. And it's my fault.  All things I did.  He told me he hopes I learn from this.  That the next time I love someone don't do things to ruin it.

You all should follow him on twitter and tell him not to do this.  To still be my friend.  Tell him how much I love him.

Answer to Anonymous

I felt my response was too long for a comment so...

A said...
I think Crab manipulates you. He doesn't really want you....yet he doesn't want you to be with someone who may really give you what you need. Are you tired of him yet??

Manipulates.  Yeah sometimes.  But I think that is human nature.  I manipulate him too.  All the time.And I see what he does.  Its just whether or not I choose to indulge him.  Last night I didn't indulge him all the way.  I know what he wanted me to do which was say "No no I'll hang up with Homeboy.  Give me a second". I hang up with my mother for him. I've never told him I would call him back for someone else.  But I know that I have to transition things.  But right now at this very moment I know an abrupt change is not what is best. I'd like to ease into it.  So I told him I'd call him back in a couple of minutes. That alone was a blow he's never had before.  But I'd rather have talked to Homeboy longer but I knew I'd just shocked the shit outta Crab.  No need to pour salt in the wound by not calling back for a long time.

He definitely wants me to have what I want in life.  But he doesn't feel he can be around to watch it because he does have feelings for me.  I insisted that we try to maintain things because I know he needs someone in his corner right now.  At the moment things are pretty fucked up for him in certain aspects of his life.  I put our friendship first and like I said a while ago I refuse to kick a friend while they're down.  If me having to deal with some discomfort sometimes in the name of being a friend is what has to happen, so be it.  In the end its not killing me to be there for Crab.  Its temporary.  His situation will improve and I'll feel more comfortable severing certain parts of our friendship. He feels the need for us to cut ties. He said living like this isn't healthy. But I refuse. I will be right there by his side until things get better. Then if he needs to be away from me to heal from this, fine. But not while he needs a shoulder. Nope. I won't allow it.

Tired if him... No. Why would I be tired of him? He's not actually doing anything to me. If I don't like something enough it's up to me to change. I am tired of a half ass pseudo relationship which is why I've decide to go after what I want.  But him. For three years he has been supportive and encouraging. He has helped me emotionally, financially. How selfish would it be to tire of someone who has been good to you when you have a couple of months of a bad time. 

Believe me. I am not an angel here. I've tried to slick him into a situation he has repeatedly told me he didn't want to be in just so I could have everything I want. I have been very selfish. And I am still doing it. Nony will tell you. ;)

Maybe this friends with benefits thing went waaaaaay over our heads. I think we both have a ton of love for each other and are extremely confused. Neither one of us want to be committed to each other completely but we can't let go entirely. I honestly could never see myself with him, but I can't see myself without him either.

Sigh...

All Clear!!!!!!

So things are nicely cleared up with both


Homeboy.
I called him challenging today.  He asked why I would say that and I told him sometimes he seems so uninterested in me.  He said sorry for last night and Sunday.  He explained his little brother had been going through a painful time trying to see his son.  They are a close family so that is kind of devastating for them.  He and his 2 brothers are very close with their parents and seem to have a special closeness with their dads.  He said he was so upset to see his brother cry and to not be able to help him that he just didn't want to talk to anyone.  He used to do that before.  So when he did that this time it scared me.  Like is this the start of another parting for us?  I don't want that to happen again.


Crab told me I was "Falling off" this morning because I've never put him aside for someone else.  We discussed it a bit and things are cool.  He thought I kept him waiting for over an hour last night when I said I'd call him right back.  That is something I wouldn't have do.  Yes I did choose to speak to Homeboy over him but I knew that he would be stressing while waiting for me to call back so I sped my convo up with Homeboy to avoid that.  What really happened was for some reason, the first time I called Crab it went to voicemail.  I waited about a half hour/forty minutes and called back again.  Went to VM again.   He only saw the second call which led him to  believe I'd left him to stew for over an hour.  Which, if I decided to do that, it wouldn't have been wrong necessarily, but that isn't what I did.  I did show some consideration for his feelings and tried not to keep him waiting too long.

I forgot how fucking moody Homeboy is.  If he is angry about something he will totally not answer the phone.  For days.  I just spoke to him 10:50pm Monday night.  The last time I'd spoken to him was Saturday evening.  And then he had major attitude.  It was so fucking uncomfortable.  So I'm like

M: Listen.  I'm gonna let you go. I'm not gonna hold you hostage on the phone if you don't want to talk.

H: (with an attitude mind you) If I didn't feel like talking I wouldn't have picked up the phone

Silence.............................

Crab calls

C: what are you doing?
M: talking on the phone
C: to who
M: huh?
C: who are you talking to?
M: Homeboy
C: I knew by how you were hesitating. 
M: hold on a minute lemme..
C: oh he's still on the phone? Go ahead. Call me back.

Click back over to Homeboy

Sidebar -  FYI Homeboy is not a homeboy.  He's actually really unhomeboyish.  Went to a great private school in a rich town.  I only call him homeboy because I couldn't think of a name for him. It was supposed to be temporary.  He's fairly preppy.

I then started talking about American history and the NY Times and he snapped out of it and sounded like himself again. We talked for a few minutes and then I said I was sleepy and would speak to him tomorrow.

Now Crab won't answer the phone. Oh boy.

"You're really taking this dressing like a hooker thing too far." - Crab

-_- Whatever.  He's a hater... I don't dress like a hooker.

A different cuffing season

Crab and I had an interesting night. 

So... um last night I got handcuffed behind my back and left on the bed with a mask and my collar on.  I eventually fell asleep and was woken up with, you guessed it... a great big slap in the face!

It was epic!

I woke up confused. I wasn't sure what had just happened. Then I remembered where I was and started cracking up.

Then I get handed a shiny glass dildo and get told to give him a show and I did and what a show it was.  I knocked myself out! Cold! Eventually I asked him to lay with me and he did.  Then we went to get some Popeyes at 4am. 

We had fun!

But did you notice something...  I said I fell asleep.  I've never actually fallen asleep there.  Only laid on the edge of sleep.  I was actually out cold like three times!

He says...

He said he's in love...
Homeboy that is...

Quick Update

Hey,

I've been so tired lately and busy at work so I haven't said much.

Homeboy...
He's such a sweetie.  We are progressing and he is more than consistent.  He is helpful and always ready to make sure I have what I want in terms of things.  I still need to get him to understand time together counts the most.  Not money or material things.  But money and material things are nice.  I have to learn to accept them though.  I'm not used to men being so eager to give me things.  We talk about our future a lot.  What town we could move to so that the kids could go to good schools. That I could be a stay at home mom if I like. Trips. Things we'd do as a family.  I think since he's a single dad and his son's mother is the female version of my son's father he understands and would like a stable family unit.  He's very close with both of his parents (his father is getting married this summer and he's the best man) so I think family is important to him.

Also, we all know that I am so self conscious about having no ass.  But he tells me he doesn't care.  He says I'm pretty and have big boobs which is so much better!  :D  He likes my body.  And that's nice.  He says he likes me the most when i'm just regular, not dressed up or anything.  Just regular me. :) That feels good

We still haven't done anything physical yet.  I did tell him to stop giving me those 'Church Hugs' when he sees me though.

Same old same old with Crab.  Every now and then he seems to get re-mad and I really honestly don't think it is all about me.  I think some of it has to do with past relationships and how things ended with them and I feel like he is projecting that onto me somewhat.

Also I think with me, it's important not to front like you don't care. Since I have the ability to keep all aspects of a relationship separate I think it's easy for me to switch things off and on.  I have a Friendship with him, a sexual relationship with him, and a part of me that is in love with him.  So if any of that is mixing and mingling in your head and heart then you should let me know because I'm going to assume that it is only what you show me.  So Crab hasn't shown me emotion.  Only friendship.  So my assumption always is there is no emotion on his part and then I act accordingly.  So I think I may have been insensitive to feelings that he may have had but only because I never thought they were there in the first place.

But it's OK.  I made peace with it all last month.  You know on January 10th when I realized my level of importance.  If no one puts me first I will!  I will put my happiness and needs at the top of the list.  No one else is gonna right?

Would you? Could you?

OK Scenario time

So you start dating a guy.  You really really like him.  He likes you.  This may be a great match.  So you both decide you want to make it official.  But his best friend is a girl.  And not just any girl.  A girl that he has been involved with sexually.  Can you accept their friendship?  Do you think it's fair to ask him to end his friendship with her because you are uncomfortable.  The girl  even wants to meet you and be friends with you since you are her best friend's girlfriend.  Could you do this?  Is it fair to ask someone to stop being friends with someone if they've assured you there is nothing to worry about?

This was an "ASK THE BLOG!" conclusion to a debate.

Appaaaarently you all happen to be the voice of reason.

For My Crab

There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepia-toned loving

Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too
Too many things I have to do

But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
We’re somewhere in between together

Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, mmm, mmm

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together.

Quickie

I don't know what to say.

I love Crab as much as ever but...

I see my dreams being possible.

I have to stop being afraid to live!

Let's see what tomorrow holds...

Its Four O'Clock in the Morning...

It's 4:30 in the morning. I just hung up with Crab. He called me at 2:55. We had THIS conversation again but a lot less angry.

Shit is really unhealthy for him right now.  I hate that he has to go through this.  He is constantly thinking I'm fucking.  He even thinks maybe someone at work.  Its so not good.  I hate hearing it in his voice and he hates being like that.  But we both agree it can get better with time.

And believe me... I am NOT fucking!  Y'all know that though.  Sigh... no dick for Di... sigh.....
Zip
Zilch
Zero

Funny Valentine... No. Seriously.

My mother wants to have dinner together for Valentines day.

Yoooooooooo......

When I told Crab this.....
It was like you could hear a pin drop!

I know he thinks I'm lying but for real.... She wants us to be "alone"  together!

It definitely isn't Homeboy.  I told him I never had anybody do anything for me for Valentines day so it isn't a big deal for me.  But I hope one day...  And he was all

"Don't worry.  You got the rest of your life for that..."

and I was all "SHUT UP YOU JERK!"

Exhaustion

These days are so exhausting.  Crab thinks I don't see him acting weird and super suspicious.  He thinks I don't notice but everything I do and I mean everything is scrutinized and picked apart in his head.  I can hear it in his voice.  Today he said

"Everything you say bothers me.  Like everything.  You were so right.  The wheels are turning." (I said on twitter the other day I could hear the wheels turning in his head)

When we are together everything feels fine.  We are the same as always.  Althoguh I know its pretend like he said.  But when we are apart he is not trusting a thing I say.

And he asks me questions and I know what he is looking for.

C: so what did you do all night?
Translation
Did you talk to him tonight?

C: so what do you plan on doing today
Translation
Are you doing something with him?

He thinks I can't tell but his voice changes.  Its him who can't tell what he sounds like to me.  There are lots of different things I can hear. 

Even when he acts like he could care less.  Sometimes its one of those "The lady doth protest too much" situations but more like "the dude doth protest too much".

Here's the thing.  I'm totally confused aboutwhagt I should say.  What I shouldn't say.  I feel like talking digs me into a hole.  And I talked to my mother about it all and she said I'm being totally selfish by putting him through this and if he felt the need to cut ties I should let him if this isn't healthy for him.

On the Homeboy front...

Homeboy... he's being a very good boy.  But HE is starting to want more of MY time now.

Growing Pains

Progress can hurt.  It can be agonizing.  I'm sure turning into a butterfly isn't as easy for a caterpillar as we make it out to be.  That shit is probably mad uncomfortable.

The Vine

Nothing about this is normal.  I'm addicted to him.  He has loved me greater from the inside than any man I've ever been involved with.  He nurtures me.  He encourages me. He indulges me.

It's like when he met me I was just sprouting.  And he watered me.  And I grew.  And somehow I grew on and around him like a vine.  He can't move and I can't untangle myself.  But he'd never rip me off because he loves me.  He's watched me grow.  And I only know the stability that I've had growing around him.  I don't really want to be untangled but I still feel the need to keep growing.  He shouldn't be bound and I shouldn't be tangled.

Consistent Masochistic Orgy? Huh?

Homeboy is now feeling some type of way about Crab.
"I'm not gonna tell you not to talk to him."
Of course not cause that's not an option
"I want to meet him" he says...  say whuuuuu I'on think so fam!
Ah he just called.  Consistency.  He's becoming more consistant in his contact and he is definitely calling me more than I call him and that is important to me.
So the other day I was chillin with the girls Sweetie and Grill and we were talking about sex and such.  I gave them a little window into what I'm into.  They were very surprised.  I gave Grill a little demo.  I choked her a little then I play slapped her (tap not a slap). Then I caressed her cheek and told her she was a good girl.  Lol.  She seemed a bit nervous but might have liked it a little. Hopefully I awakened a little hidden masochism in her and she tries a little in the boudoire!

Then Sweetie says she wants to have orgy.  "Let's have an orgy you guys!"
-_-
I said, you know I don't pass my pussy out like that.  I'll come and push the dudes faces into your pussies though and smack them up a bit if you like.  Then Grill said she wouldn't feel comfortable with me seeing her coche and I said suit yourself I ain't thinking about your coche I was trying to help y'all out.
Shrug

Weekend recap (Blah blah blah)

Hey Yall!

Ahhhhhh Monday.  Well recap of the weekend

Friday - Friday at work I cried all day because me and Crab were having it out and he said he needed to cut ties with me.  And I bawled and bawled and bawled till he called back and took it back and said "It's okay, we're good".  Mini had a sleep over directly after school so I dropped him off.  I wanted to go to Crab's but I was SO DRAINED from all of that sobbing I took a shower at 7:00 and then went almost right to sleep.

Saturday - Homeboy and I were supposed to go shopping for the boys.  At 6:30 I was awake and told him to call me as soon as he woke up and tell me what we were doing.  He text back at 9 and said "Why are you up at 6 in the morning thinking about sneakers?!?"  After that I called Crab and told him I wanted breakfast so I went and picked up breakfast and went there.  And then I stayed there until around 5pm.  So obviously that means Homeboy flaked.  Again.

I went to see my dad and he's doing good! While I was there I get a text from Homeboy at 5:44.  I didn't notice it until 6:30

H: Where are you!
M: On my way to pick up Mini
H: Why?

I didn't respond.

He calls.

Then immediately says he'll call right back

I had left my charger at Crab's and I was chilling at my girl Sweetie's house so my phone went dead.

Sunday I woke up and did some chores.  Got lunch for Mini, Crab and me and just chilled.  Homeboy called maybe an hour before the game. I nagged a bit and we talked for a while.  He went to a Superbowl party at his aunt's house and then called when he got home.  We talked for a while.  We stayed on the phone until we were both falling asleep.  He is going to get Mini's sneakers since he flaked out.  Which is fine.  He seems to like being generous with the cash lately.  I don't get him. Wants to spend money but not time. Strange.

I'm glad I spent Saturday with Crab anyway.  We have a good time and it's relaxing.  And his bed is super comfortable.  I should have been laying on it these past couple of years!

Happy Birthday LakiSwirl!!

I just want to wish Laki a very happy birthday!  I don't know when it is but I know it is either just past or just coming up so I hope you had a great birthday Honey Bunny!

Day 3 - Hands

My and on my hip. When I dip you dip we... nevermind

Welp.  Not that easy. I think he might be gone for good this time. 

I think I'm ready to say "Fine.  See other people if you like", because I'm not going to say that I won't this time.  Things changed DRASTICALLY when I had to write about the truth.  So if that's what he wants, to see other people too, so be it.  I can't argue about it anymore.

Good Fella

Well... I'm getting to know Homeboy a lot better lately.  He's really starting to be dare I say it... consistent!  I've learned something about him...

He's a a genuinely Nice Guy.  You know?  Really sweet.  Really caring. 

He's starting to make plans.  We're going sneaker shopping for the boys Saturday.  He's making plans for us for future things.  He wants me to come to this job function with him.  I like that.  I've always wanted a man to come to work functions with me so for someone to ask me to go with them means a lot to me.  His dad is in politics and just got a new appointment in the state's sports and gaming commission so he got season tickets for next season's Giants and Jets games and comp rooms in Atlantic City. So he suggested we go to AC overnight.  I'm born and raised in Jersey and have never been to AC.  And quiet as kept I always wanted to go with a guy so I never went. So the idea of going with him is exciting!

And I don't think he means to be inconsistent. I think he's just a young single father that is kind of in the same boat as a lot of single mothers as far as time and energy is concerned.

I'm back... he just called

Its confirmed. Homeboy is Mr. Nice Guy.  I guess I never got to know him that well before.  But I'm getting to know him now and he's that type of guy you say you want but then go for the bad boy instead.

I've had enough with bad boys.

Day 2 - Words

Convo With Sweetie - Deja Vu

S: So what's up miss lady?  How's Crab?
M: Oh my god Sweetie.  I was bawling at work today.  Just bawling!
S: What happened?!?!?!

I told the whole story

M: It was terrible.  I was so upset.  He was upset...
S: So basically um the same thing you always argue about?
M: Uh... (lightbulb) Yeah!  Yeah.  Same thing...

By the way.  Same outcome as always to.  Just pretend like it never happened.  We had breakfast and naughty time before I went to work today.

Day 1 - My View Today

Tippity Tap Tap Tap Challaaaaaange...

Yall remember that Cosby episode at the tap dance school with Sandman from the Apollo?   Tippity Tap Tap Tap...Challaaaange!

Because I'm Sick of myself.  JUST SICK OF ME, I'm going to do this photo a day challenge.  This way I have something else to talk about other than my dysfunctionalism (I believe I made that word up according to Microsoft Word, **sips Martini while looking over the top of reading glasses**).  Homeboy suggested I take a break from blogging.   I think I just need a break from whining and complaining.  So  I saw Gorgeous Pudding is doing it so I'm gonna do it too!

EX-FACTOR - It could all be so simple

How did I end up here...  I was so proud of the fact that this "friendship" works out so nicely...

Last night I dropped dinner off to Crab at 8:00.  I left. I figured he ate and went to sleep because he sleeps.  That's what Crab does.  Sleeps.  I wake him up a lot.  But his back was hurting yesterday really bad.  So bad that I stopped by to give him a massage on my way home from work.  I gave him Tylenol and then came back later and brought him dinner.  I figured he would just be asleep.  **shrug**.  Homeboy called around 10:30.  This is the time I'd usually call Crab and say goodnight.  So me and Homeboy talked until 12:00.
THIS IS WHERE I MESSED UP
When I got off the phone with him I called Crab.  I asked if he was sleeping.  He said no.  Then he's like "Why are you just now calling me?  I figured you were sleeping.  Why are you up so late?"  So I was like "I thought you were sleeping so I didn't call"  He was like "You were on the phone running your mouth all night?" so I was like "Uh huh. But I'm about to go to sleep though so I'll talk to you in the morning?"  Five minutes later he calls back.

C: Who were you on the phone with?
Me: Homeboy
C: That's all I wanted to know.
Hangs up

6:30 this morning he calls and I say

M: Why are you awake?
C: I never went to sleep.  You're not on the road yet?
M: No
C: Why not?
M: Because I didn't do the dishes last night and I wanted to do them before I left.
C:  You should have gotten yourself ready last night...
M: I'll call you from the car.

The rest I will proceed with bullet points because it's all so jumbled up in my head

• I should not be surprised if the shoe is on the other foot.
• He's been bothered by this for a while
• I'm bullshitting him
• I'm telling him I'm not bullshitting him
• He wants me to tell him my intentions with Homeboy
• I'm telling him I have no specific intentions
• I can't stay like this forever though Crab.
• He's told me numerous times that he does not want to be around while I date people
• I know this
• I'm saying it's not even that serious
• He's getting mad because he says I keep lying
• He cant trust me anymore
• He's not comfortable in this
• It's not fair
• I refuse to tell the truth
• I'm trying to secure something before I move on.
• I'm being manipulative
• I can do what I want it's the fact that I'm lying that's the problem
• WHAT ARE MY INTENTIONS

This conversation carries through to my desk for 45 minutes.  

WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS?

I don't have any

WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS?

I really don't have any

WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS?

If I had intentions I could get disappointed.

WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS?

I don't have any.  It is what it is..

WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS? I'M HANGING UP.  CALL ME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE AN ANSWER.

But I'm not going to have the right answer.  You already made a decision about what the answer is. You want me to tell you something that isn't true.  You won't be happy until I tell you I intend for him and me to be together.  And I'm not gonna say that because it's not true.

CALL ME BACK WHEN YOU'RE READY TO ANSWER THE QUESTION

But I can't even think of anything else to say because I said the truuuuuth.

THEN YOU KNOW WHAT... I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

So are you telling me not to call you

YEAH BECAUSE IT WON'T BE RIGHT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.  SO DON'T CALL ME.  I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I'M READY

We hang up but i'm having a hard time working so I DM'd him "I can't concentrate" He calls back tells me I have to get my work.  He asked if I ate something.  I said yes.  He said good.

Eventually i'm crying telling him

I just want you to understand me.  My intentions are to have something normal.  Not specifically with him.  With Anyone.  I just want something regular. But I can't do this again (he asks... Do what?) THIS.  THIS.  What we are doing.  What I always end up doing.  I want regular.  And I don't want this again.

C: No one's twisting your arm

I'm not saying that!  I want to be here! But I don't want to do this AGAIN.

C: Why are you crying like this?  I don't want you like this at work.  That is not why I called.  You need to pull yourself together.  I feel bad.  I was calling to help.

I'm crying because I don't want you making decisions for me.  You're going to make the decision for me and I don't want that.

C: You need something  normal.  You are never going to do it on your own.  Please pull it together.  You shouldn't be at work like this. I don't want you crying at work.

I say ok... Hang up... Stop crying... and I write to you guys...

And you know I was on the phone with homeboy for almost 2hrs last night so I have tea to spill on that but my heart is hurting right now so I don't feel like it.