Wednesday, February 22, 2012

When it all falls down

Well Crab....

Crab has went back into my emails and read  blog post.  From the beginning... All the way back to MD.  He was able to see all the stuff I'd deleted because I blogged from my email a lot back then.  So even though it was no longer on the blog it was in my emails.  All the stuff with MD. ALL OF IT.  Even little insignificant people like Swizz.  Y'all don't even remember him right?  EXAAAACTLY. Because it meant nothing!

He's so finished with me. He went in on me.  Like... I don't think we will ever be friends again.

I am devastated.  And there is nothing I can say to turn it around because it's all facts.  He has facts.  Not suspicions, not he said she said.  All facts typed by my own fingers. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

I'm not sure what he read because it goes back YEARS.  But I am sure that there was things that weren't so good.  Damn like I said in the answer to Anonymous, I have not been an angel.  And he sees now just how un-angelic I've been.

My heart is broken.  And I think a piece of his is too. And it's my fault.  All things I did.  He told me he hopes I learn from this.  That the next time I love someone don't do things to ruin it.

You all should follow him on twitter and tell him not to do this.  To still be my friend.  Tell him how much I love him.


  1. Were you guys in an exclusive relationship when all of this stuff occcured? Did he have other lovers in the past as well? Exclusive or not I can understand why he is hurt. How did he find your emails? I know so many questions (SORRY). May be this is a blessing......a way to be totally transparent.

  2. Right about the transparency thing too. I think there were definitely things he might have read that I wanted him to know.

    Like the not coming to see me in the hospital part... I think he should know what that did to me.

  3. Hope you dont shut down your blog

  4. I didn't mean to delete the content of my long ass explanation but I felt like I didn't need to be begging and pleading him to forgive me. Cause I ain't do shit... -_-

  5. Wow. You know.... I almost wish Rabbit would find and read my blog. I know that might mean he'd never speak to me again, but sometimes I wish I could tell him what's on there. I want him to know what's going through my heart, both good and bad. I want him to know how he's affected me, how I really truly baldly feel about him. But at the same time, I can't comprehend him actually reading it because he would know ALL OF ME. And I don't know if I can open myself up like that. So it'd be both a relief and a the scariest thing in the world. So where do you guys go from here? Now that he knows all of you? The one thing you shouldn't be doing is asking for forgiveness. What you wrote is your soul. But now I have to ask; how did he get access to your email??

  6. He has access to everything just in case I die. (Don't ask. Y'all know I'm mad dramatic) He's given me his password too. But this whole time neither of us would ever go into it. Like he looooooves facebook but id never go see what he really does there. But lately he's been crazy untrusting and I guess he just couldn't help himself.

    You know Laki there has always been part of me that wanted him to read it for the exact reasons you said. But you know what? They could never read it as we wrote it. Crab saw what he wanted to see. Bits of sentences. Not even whole thoughts. Just


    Were you guys in an exclusive relationship when all of this stuff occurred?

    It's all very hard to say. It started off where I would date. Because I never had before. I needed to experience certain things. But then things got awkward. There was like and love and in love all swirled around in our "friendship" So I stopped. But it's all so convoluted and messy and hard to decipher when I said I'd stop seeing other people. It was usually said in an effort to keep him. I think I always knew it would be hard because there are needs that he won't meet for me. He went back almost to the beginning of everything. There was stuff that went on at a time that I was confused. I was trying to replace him because I couldn't have him to myself. And it said that. He read that. That it was all in an attempt to find someone like him to be with 100%. That's why I went after Homeboy. He look Crab-esque. He was even called Crab Junior back then.

    Did he have other lovers in the past as well?
    Apparently he never went outside of what we have/had because he mentioned that while he was yelling at me. He said what he could have done but didn't. He is gorgeous. Impeccably dressed. He could have anyone but he didn't. He stayed true to me and what we had.


    He has my password. I don't have anything to hide. I thought it was all gone. I stopped all of that and moved forward so I erased it. But I forgot about the emails to the blog that I'd sent years ago. He said he never looked before. But The past few weeks with this whole Homeboy situation he's been so suspicious and thinks I'm always lying so he looked last night. And he read stuff. Details... detailed details. Some of it I think he already knew but not down to very specific details.

    But one thing I can say is that he didn't see me say that I fucked anyone (Except for MD and he knew about that)cause I haven't. I've never done that.