Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Answer to Anonymous

I felt my response was too long for a comment so...

A said...
I think Crab manipulates you. He doesn't really want you....yet he doesn't want you to be with someone who may really give you what you need. Are you tired of him yet??

Manipulates.  Yeah sometimes.  But I think that is human nature.  I manipulate him too.  All the time.And I see what he does.  Its just whether or not I choose to indulge him.  Last night I didn't indulge him all the way.  I know what he wanted me to do which was say "No no I'll hang up with Homeboy.  Give me a second". I hang up with my mother for him. I've never told him I would call him back for someone else.  But I know that I have to transition things.  But right now at this very moment I know an abrupt change is not what is best. I'd like to ease into it.  So I told him I'd call him back in a couple of minutes. That alone was a blow he's never had before.  But I'd rather have talked to Homeboy longer but I knew I'd just shocked the shit outta Crab.  No need to pour salt in the wound by not calling back for a long time.

He definitely wants me to have what I want in life.  But he doesn't feel he can be around to watch it because he does have feelings for me.  I insisted that we try to maintain things because I know he needs someone in his corner right now.  At the moment things are pretty fucked up for him in certain aspects of his life.  I put our friendship first and like I said a while ago I refuse to kick a friend while they're down.  If me having to deal with some discomfort sometimes in the name of being a friend is what has to happen, so be it.  In the end its not killing me to be there for Crab.  Its temporary.  His situation will improve and I'll feel more comfortable severing certain parts of our friendship. He feels the need for us to cut ties. He said living like this isn't healthy. But I refuse. I will be right there by his side until things get better. Then if he needs to be away from me to heal from this, fine. But not while he needs a shoulder. Nope. I won't allow it.

Tired if him... No. Why would I be tired of him? He's not actually doing anything to me. If I don't like something enough it's up to me to change. I am tired of a half ass pseudo relationship which is why I've decide to go after what I want.  But him. For three years he has been supportive and encouraging. He has helped me emotionally, financially. How selfish would it be to tire of someone who has been good to you when you have a couple of months of a bad time. 

Believe me. I am not an angel here. I've tried to slick him into a situation he has repeatedly told me he didn't want to be in just so I could have everything I want. I have been very selfish. And I am still doing it. Nony will tell you. ;)

Maybe this friends with benefits thing went waaaaaay over our heads. I think we both have a ton of love for each other and are extremely confused. Neither one of us want to be committed to each other completely but we can't let go entirely. I honestly could never see myself with him, but I can't see myself without him either.



  1. wow sis. this post is so honest. emotionally that is. I can appreciate that you are direct with your choice. just be careful.

  2. Thanks Freckles. I'm trying to do the best I can. It's hard and I'm trying to be honest in a way that I'm not insensitive but still giving all necessary facts for a person to understand and make their own choices you know? Tell enough that people both of them know enough to know what the situation they are in is but not too much that they have to deal with unnecessary info to add on top of what they already have. I don't know if that makes sense to you... but careful is exactly how I'm trying to be. I don't want to ruin anything on either end.

  3. Just want you happy and to have the love you deserve. I've been where you are and wasted so much time. Leaving was hard. I had to make myself understand that I can still be there for him and not be in his bed. Wish the best for you!

  4. Thank you.

    I just know that sometimes I have to explain because the relationship is very, very strange. And that's what I want too. I want to be there for him even if not in his bed. But... alas I think it's all over now. I can't come back from what just happened.

    Thanks though.

  5. I agree with Anonymous' initial comment, but I understand where you're coming from too.