Last night I dropped dinner off to Crab at 8:00. I left. I figured he ate and went to sleep because he sleeps. That's what Crab does. Sleeps. I wake him up a lot. But his back was hurting yesterday really bad. So bad that I stopped by to give him a massage on my way home from work. I gave him Tylenol and then came back later and brought him dinner. I figured he would just be asleep. **shrug**. Homeboy called around 10:30. This is the time I'd usually call Crab and say goodnight. So me and Homeboy talked until 12:00.
THIS IS WHERE I MESSED UP
When I got off the phone with him I called Crab. I asked if he was sleeping. He said no. Then he's like "Why are you just now calling me? I figured you were sleeping. Why are you up so late?" So I was like "I thought you were sleeping so I didn't call" He was like "You were on the phone running your mouth all night?" so I was like "Uh huh. But I'm about to go to sleep though so I'll talk to you in the morning?" Five minutes later he calls back.
C: Who were you on the phone with?
Me: Homeboy
C: That's all I wanted to know.
Hangs up
6:30 this morning he calls and I say
M: Why are you awake?
C: I never went to sleep. You're not on the road yet?
M: No
C: Why not?
M: Because I didn't do the dishes last night and I wanted to do them before I left.
C: You should have gotten yourself ready last night...
M: I'll call you from the car.
The rest I will proceed with bullet points because it's all so jumbled up in my head
- I should not be surprised if the shoe is on the other foot.
- He's been bothered by this for a while
- I'm bullshitting him
- I'm telling him I'm not bullshitting him
- He wants me to tell him my intentions with Homeboy
- I'm telling him I have no specific intentions
- I can't stay like this forever though Crab.
- He's told me numerous times that he does not want to be around while I date people
- I know this
- I'm saying it's not even that serious
- He's getting mad because he says I keep lying
- He cant trust me anymore
- He's not comfortable in this
- It's not fair
- I refuse to tell the truth
- I'm trying to secure something before I move on.
- I'm being manipulative
- I can do what I want it's the fact that I'm lying that's the problem
- WHAT ARE MY INTENTIONS
This conversation carries through to my desk for 45 minutes.
WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS?
I don't have any
WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS?
I really don't have any
WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS?
If I had intentions I could get disappointed.
WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS?
I don't have any. It is what it is..
WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS? I'M HANGING UP. CALL ME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE AN ANSWER.
But I'm not going to have the right answer. You already made a decision about what the answer is. You want me to tell you something that isn't true. You won't be happy until I tell you I intend for him and me to be together. And I'm not gonna say that because it's not true.
CALL ME BACK WHEN YOU'RE READY TO ANSWER THE QUESTION
But I can't even think of anything else to say because I said the truuuuuth.
THEN YOU KNOW WHAT... I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
So are you telling me not to call you
YEAH BECAUSE IT WON'T BE RIGHT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. SO DON'T CALL ME. I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I'M READY
We hang up but i'm having a hard time working so I DM'd him "I can't concentrate" He calls back tells me I have to get my work. He asked if I ate something. I said yes. He said good.
Eventually i'm crying telling him
I just want you to understand me. My intentions are to have something normal. Not specifically with him. With Anyone. I just want something regular. But I can't do this again (he asks... Do what?) THIS. THIS. What we are doing. What I always end up doing. I want regular. And I don't want this again.
C: No one's twisting your arm
I'm not saying that! I want to be here! But I don't want to do this AGAIN.
C: Why are you crying like this? I don't want you like this at work. That is not why I called. You need to pull yourself together. I feel bad. I was calling to help.
I'm crying because I don't want you making decisions for me. You're going to make the decision for me and I don't want that.
C: You need something normal. You are never going to do it on your own. Please pull it together. You shouldn't be at work like this. I don't want you crying at work.
I say ok... Hang up... Stop crying... and I write to you guys...
And you know I was on the phone with homeboy for almost 2hrs last night so I have tea to spill on that but my heart is hurting right now so I don't feel like it.
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