Thursday, February 9, 2012

Exhaustion

These days are so exhausting.  Crab thinks I don't see him acting weird and super suspicious.  He thinks I don't notice but everything I do and I mean everything is scrutinized and picked apart in his head.  I can hear it in his voice.  Today he said

"Everything you say bothers me.  Like everything.  You were so right.  The wheels are turning." (I said on twitter the other day I could hear the wheels turning in his head)

When we are together everything feels fine.  We are the same as always.  Althoguh I know its pretend like he said.  But when we are apart he is not trusting a thing I say.

And he asks me questions and I know what he is looking for.

C: so what did you do all night?
Translation
Did you talk to him tonight?

C: so what do you plan on doing today
Translation
Are you doing something with him?

He thinks I can't tell but his voice changes.  Its him who can't tell what he sounds like to me.  There are lots of different things I can hear. 

Even when he acts like he could care less.  Sometimes its one of those "The lady doth protest too much" situations but more like "the dude doth protest too much".

Here's the thing.  I'm totally confused aboutwhagt I should say.  What I shouldn't say.  I feel like talking digs me into a hole.  And I talked to my mother about it all and she said I'm being totally selfish by putting him through this and if he felt the need to cut ties I should let him if this isn't healthy for him.

On the Homeboy front...

Homeboy... he's being a very good boy.  But HE is starting to want more of MY time now.

4 comments:

  1. Go for it!!! Let homeboy continue to be very good to you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yup! There's nothing wrong with that!

      Delete
  2. I gotta say I agree with mom. As much as you care for him, you can only go in circles and walk on eggshells but for so long. Trust me; I know the exact position you are in. Walk away before you hold on to something too long that may not be healthy for you in the long haul.

    Have you asked yourself really why you are holding on to him, besides the obvious fact being love? Maybe you've changed/grown and not realized it and may be out growing him too. Just a thought.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah. He's really not happy. He said that maybe one day we could be friends but he really feels the need to just be away for a while. But I won't let him. Because I love love love love love him to death death death death death. But this is seriously bad for him. Like he's REALLY not happy. But he's trying because I want him to.

      And I can't believe (that's a lie, I can believe it) I'm being SO SO SELFISH. Seeing him drive himself crazy with suspicion is horrible but I keep telling him it will get better. He'll feel better eventually

      Delete