Until further notice...

this is what I have decided to do




So everything back to normal okaaaaaaaay? (Look down!)

Pick me up

My big brother said I was dope the other day! I love HE!

I sent him a picture of me I'd just taken and he text back

Dude! You look dope! Now all you need to do is start an R&B Group!

That's what big brothers are for.

Bad Santa

I feel like a kid who caught Santa shit faced and smoking a cigarette on the bench in back of the mall



YOU FUCKING RUINED CHRISTMAS DAMN IT! YOU RUINED FUCKING CHRISTMAS!

So....

I think I'm gonna have to blog in Tumblr style for little bit.


I
Have
No
Words
Left

Nada

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost, anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are

I'm about to put my shoes on and go to Crabs.
I feel empty.
Nothing.
Maybe that's a good thing.

INTERVENTION

I'm not sure who has ever been a truly dysfunctional person- but dysfunction is an addiction. There are highs that come with it that seem to make it worth it. I imagine its like heroin. Now I've never been nor do I know anyone that has done heroin. Any knowledge I have would be from watching A&E. its like the high was totally worth the trick you had to turn to get it. I'm not sure how long the highs last but however long they do that time is worth the rest of your time as a heroin addict and all the fuckedupedness that comes with it.

It doesn't take being the one to create this dysfunction to qualify as dysfunctional. But if you are just as addicted to the highs you are meeting the qualifications of dysfunctional. And if you always end up in dysfunctional relationships there is something that you are doing. I won't do the poor me right now because...

I am an addict.

Its 10:00 and I want to pick Mini up from his dad's. He's only been gone a couple of hours but I miss him. I called and asked if I could have him back early. He said yes. I just want my baby home with me.

WTF is going on

Drama. I think last night might have been one if the worst I've had in years. Alcohol leads to me acting insane leads to Crab saying he's done with me leads to apology being interrupted by screaming ex girlfriend. Leads to me with a hennessy bottle to clock her in her head just in case it came to that.

Sad stuff. Tired dehydrated and emotionally drained.

Oh
my
God

The Perfect Storm

I need to be a lot more careful about my choice of music. What I play and when I play it.  I've never actually heard anyone say "I hate music".  But I think people have different relationships with music. 

 

Mine is very passionate and tumultuous.  Music is like a body of water and I am in a little row boat.  And depending on the song, how good the song was written and composed and the lyrics or mood; It could even be one bar of notes that invokes a certain feeling. It can lift me up or pull me down.  Deep down.  I could be sitting there in my row boat on a sunny day, and the song changes and the clouds begin to roll in and I suddenly realize I'm not on a lake, in the summer,  I'm in the middle of the perfect storm. Underwater, drowning, and the lyrics are like cement shoes pulling me further and further under
 
And sometimes like today, I'm sado masochistic.
 
Today, this is the storm I've chosen to ride today
 


And this this is when the struggle is over, I'm tired from the fight and I can see the shore



It may sound a bit crazy and melodramtic but those are both things you already knew about me anyway so...  I don't care

On Time

Libra Feb 22 2011
Have you ever wondered who first thought of bottling water? We have become quite used to paying anywhere from a dollar to several dollars for a bottle of drinking water. Yet all we have to do is turn on the tap and collect water in a cup. But through the magic of advertising, water bottling companies create a mystique about that most ordinary drink. We have been seduced into believing we are getting something pure and natural that we couldn't possibly get on our own, while in reality most bottled water is quite mundane. Don't fall for hype today when a person with a knack for spin approaches you. Use your common sense.
--

So i swear this was the right thing for me today. Its right there. What am I complaining about?

I swear im not bipolar. Really. No really im not...

More of the same whining...

So I was talking to a friend of mine today about my antsyness.  I want to be with someone 100%.  I know. I know.  It's like "Well you aren't helping your situation Di..."  Yes I know.  But I must come here to complain.  I've built a wall of secrecy in my regular life surrounding my romantic or lack there off situation.  And on top of that I have been known to bite the head off of anyone who questions it.  Seriously go in...  So.  Basically... Don't nobody wanna hear this shit!  And rightfully so.   So today as I talked to my friend about my void, she said "Well I don't really want to say anything because..." and I cut her of "Yeah smart decision".  See what I mean.

 

SO I think I need to reevaluate (YEAH I KNOW FOR THE 100th TIME! ) my situation.  When I start to feel completely inadequate and my self esteem is suffering is when I usually come to this point.

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  I'm smart.  I'm not ugly.  I have a lot of earning potential.  I'm caring.  I'm giving.  AND I'M GIVING.  And I give good might I add.  Really good.  I come from a good family.  So what... what do I need to work on?  I think I'm not cool enough.  I think I'm a bit geeky.  I need a coolness factor.  I'm gonna buy a bunch of shades.  That makes people look cool.  And I'm gonna be really serious and start saying every thing is wack.  "That's wack..."  "He's wack..." that make people seem cooler then everything and everyone else right?  I'm not gonna smile too much either.  And when I do it's gonna be one of those indescernable smiles.  Am I being nice or condescending?  Which one?  You don't know... cause I'm so cool you can't figure it out...

 

I want to know my minuses.  I really want to know WHY?  I asked my exhusband.  Why?  What was wrong with me that you never really wanted ME.  Not pretty enough?  Not cool enough WHAT?  - No answer

 

I asked Crab.  Why are we not together? - "I don't know how to answer that."  THE TRUTH.  ANSWER WITH THE TRUTH.  HELP ME OUT HERE!  If I don't know why men don't want me then I can't correct it.  I try and look nice.  I try to constantly make strides in my career so I'm bringing something to the table.  I try to be supportive.  I care.  I give really good head.  And once I'm lossened up Im pretty good otherwise too.  My ex said it was the best he ever had. I cook dinner.  Sometimes it's a hit sometimes it's a miss but I TRY.

 

What the fuck!?!?!?!

Really really antsy

Im getting antsy again...

Quickie

Ugh! More snow? This shit is ridiculous! As corny as it is, I've always wanted to be snowed in with someone though. Someone I like. (as opposed to my ex.) Cuddled up watching movies or something. I actually do things like cuddle in my mind... One day I will do it for real. Genuinely. Not as concession like with MD. One night I'd asked Crab to just hold me for a minute. He did. It was nice and it's burned into my memory. Like a flash bulb memory. I remember everything, from the lighting in the room to the weight of his body and his breathing. I remember how good it felt. I remember wondering how long was too long to hold onto him. When would it become weird. I remember saying something like "Ok that's good." because I was worried I was wearing out my hold welcome. lol. I rely on memories like that for comfort. Moments. I guess we all do though right? Memories of things we need? I wonder how long one can go using memories before memories aren't enough. Only time will tell huh?

Random Thought

Kisses on my neck make me immediately have the urge to take my pants off.

That's all...

Still Fat and Ugly

Men. Men. Men. I think most men are simple like single-celled creatures. Like protozoa. Protozoa don't really have much of of a purpose other than to breathe, move, and reproduce. I think the urge to reproduce or practice reproduction rules the mind of most men. And it is important to remember this when dealing with them. I just saw a Dateline Episode of What Would You Do that got me annoyed. It was a bike stealing scenario. When it was a black guy stealing the bike people got upset, yelled at him, called the cops. A white guy, they did and said nothing. A pretty white girl... they stopped and helped. Even after she said she was stealing it!

Now I've been a pretty girl and a not so pretty girl. And the difference is astronomical. As a not so pretty girl men would let a door swing and hit me in the face. As a pretty girl, strangers will jog in front of me to grab the door and open it for me. As a not so Pretty girl, I had to carry things by myself. As a pretty girl I've had to tell some men "really stop trying to take the bags out of my hand. I got it. You're gonna make me drop it! I GOT IT!". As a pretty girl the store clerk asks do I need help when I'm obviously fine, then another and then another. As a not so pretty girl I have to search for someone to ask what isle the breadcrumbs are in.

Last night I went out and I didn't have my license on me. The bartender asked for ID and I said "I don't have it on me. Dude come on. I'm 33" and he gave the drink to me. The guy sitting next to me says "You know you only got over because you're gorgeous. If you weren't he wouldn't have done that". And you know who heard him. Not "Gorgeous me" not "pretty me". Not so pretty me heard him. Not so pretty me usually hears the fat jokes or the ugly jokes. Cause we are the same person. When someone is making fat jokes, It's not size 8 Diana that hears it. It's size (I would never tell) Diana. And ugly jokes, it's the girl who no one ever looked at who hears it. And it makes her feel scared like someone is gonna pull the costume off and realize that I'm really fat and ugly. It's the worst feeling. I feel like I'm in on a conversation that I'm not supposed to be in on. Because I'm the same person. I have the same sense of humor. The same things make me laugh, I still like the same music and I still have the same favorite color. Just a different shell.

Men are so simple minded sometimes...

Hair Journey

So I have a post loosely inspired by the one and only Naturally1908 Monique! I know she's on that Natural hair care kick. For years I've just been on a haircare thing and it really worked well. I had stopped using store bought shampoo and started making my own with bonners and oils and aloe. Boitin and MSM like crazy. I moisturized and sealed as if my life depended on it. CoWashed Cowashed Cowashed. And my hair was beautiful. It had grown. it was so healthy. I didn't have to perm very often because caring for my hair kept it so manageable!

Then... One day... I said "Diana... you should go get a doobie and a trim." Well at that time I was still on my plain Jane flow so I didn't wear contacts. I sat down took of my glasses. Now I can't see anything without them. Chick said "You want even?"

"yeah yeah even." This B cut all of my hair off to the shortest length that I had Inches and Inches off. I felt something strange but I had no idea! NO IDEA

Doobie finished put on my glasses and headed home. Later on that night I combed my hair down and was shocked to find I had a shapeless chin length bob. YES! Hair past shoulders to a chin length bob. I cried. And then I gave up. No more co washes. No more moisturizing and sealing. I think I even used brown gel! THE HORROR! I just let go completely.

Eventually I said I gotta stop... It'll never come back doing like this. And I started back. I didn't go as hard as I used to but I moisturized and sealed and cowashed. And my hair is growing so nicely and it's so healthy and I'm on the road. By this time next year I will probably be back to wear I wanted.

I have very thin hair so I really want length so I can then do lots of layers for fullness. But I know I am on the way and will probably be without hair crutches within the next year!

Calgon...

Someone help me. He doesn't stop moving and he doesn't stop talking or making some type of noise. It's driving me CRAZY. I wan't some of that ritalin with the different flavors like bubblegum or cherry or graaaaape...

Would that be weird if I gave it to him and he just stopped. STOPPED. He sat down and watched a tv show and just watched it.

I don't care if it was weird. I want to see it.

Ramblage

So... um I have nothing but some ramblage today.

One thing that has happened is I realized that Crab is always in my dreams. You may think so what? But I've never had someone have a reoccurring role. My dreams are usually just about me. Very rarely do people who are actually in my life make appearances. But he's in my dreams every night. If I'm driving he's in the passenger seat. If I'm laying down he's right beside me. If I'm walking down the street, he's walking with me. So I find this all very odd because I don't dream about people unless I have a sex dream about someone. And that's rare too. So it just is strange to me that this has been happening. It's been a couple of weeks now that he has been given the reoccurring role. It's cool though. It doesn't bother me. It actually makes me have a very peaceful feeling in the dream knowing he's with me.

Ummmm... what else. So I told you about the write up at work right? Well that day I got mad and sent out some resumes. So I went on an interview today and I'm pretty 100% sure it's in the bag. I have to go back Monday for some tests but it should be a breeze. Nothing that I'm not already and expert (toot-toot) at already. But it seems like a great place to work (they always do when they are trying to lure you into their corporate traps)though. The gym was nice and they gave me a tour showing me where everything was. They have a Starbucks and I happen to LOVE Starbucks and a CVS. And a couple other conveniences. The place is like a compound (which the affectionately refer to as a campus). Anyway... We'll see. It's a little more money a lot less stress and just altogether a better option for me. So we shall see which way the wind blows me in the next week.

I'm extremely tired lately which I feel is due to a combination of Not going to the gym which results in me not eating, which results in me not taking vitamins. My apartment is a mess and I'm not at all happy about that. Because when it's messy t throws off my balance and then other areas of my life become messy too. I need some gym time to get back on track.

And something else but I don't even feel like talking about that... -_-

Mmmmmmm

All oiled up! I like....

Supply and Demand

I swear if I had a husband that occasionaly had to work late he'd be a happy man when he did. I'm experiencing this strange reaction. Not having access to what I want makes the desire so much stronger. I swear he'd barely be able to loosen his tie before i'd be loosening his belt.

I guess its just another representation of the Law of Suppy and Demand.

Quickie Post

Tired...
The hardest part of the week is over and I think it will all be better by around 5:30 Thursday.

Answers To Moniques Questions

So I decided to answer Monique's question in a post.


Monique Says: Why did you choose not to see other people?
I choose not to because I was always just trying to replace him. I was trying to leave him before he left me. I found myself only interested in men who had his physical attributes. And while it is okay to have a type it is not okay to try and find a replacement. That's just weird. And then when I finally found what I wanted. His height, his shade, his body type, his style of dress it turned out flat and disappointing. We all remember the Homeboy debockle **see footnote. Because even if I replaced him physically I can't replace his personality. That will never happen. So I decided to be honest with myself about where my heart is. My heart is with him. And even though we don't have a comitment, I have a lot of what I need as far as partnership in him. I feel like we are a team. So for the most part there is not that much of a void other than the security factor. And even though I FEEL safe it doesn't necessarilly mean that I am safe. But I sure do feel safe.

Monique Says: Have you guys had a discussion to make it exclusive? I asked him once why we arent together and his answer was "I don't know how to answer that" I didn't probe because I'd rather not know than to know and not have him in my life anymore.



Monique Says: Better yet, what is it that you want the end to be with you guys?Here come the tears. (I must be ovulating). I rarely think about titles. I do think about wanting to be there when he's old and gray. In the end I want to love him the way I do now... always.


**Homeboy Debockle. I found someone who met my physical Crabquirements, and I named him Junior here. But then when I got to know him I realized he couldn't get the title of Junior because he WASN'T even remotely close. And I couldn't even name homeboy so I just ended up calling him Homeboy.

Happy Valentine's Day! (how generic)

Happy Valentine's Day Loves! I hope everyone is having a self-pity-free day. I can't stand when single people get all sad about it. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. I never had all that pomp and circumstance regardless of my relationship status.

Anyway. I'm a little despondent. Not because it's Valentine's Day but just because I became accustomed to seeing Crab so often and I hate it when he has to work late. It makes me miss him knowing that he's working late.

I spoke to MD yesterday. I had text him that I needed some professional advice. He called and we spoke for a few minutes. He gave me what seemed like good advice and let me know that he's always available when I need him. Its nice to have something halt on a positive rather than negative vibe. And it's nice to know his acquaintanceship is not conditional. Of course after telling me he's always here for me and willing to help in any way he asked if I needed any other type of help.

Me: "No MD... I told you before... I'm not trying to go there with you anymore."

MD: "Ok. But you can always call me. I miss you."

Me: "I know..."

How can I feel so safe in such a precarious position? But I do. I feel safe.

Ugh! Its gonna be a long week. My boss will be in town and recently she and I aren't seeing eye to eye exactly and Crab is gonna have a project at work which will probably make it difficult if not impossible for me to see him. I always miss him so much when I don't get to see him after work. A lot of the time it might just be thirty minutes a day but that time with him relaxes me. I guess recognizing its gonna be a hard week and gearing myself up for it will help.

So anyway I'm bout to go spend a lil time before I pick up Mini. I'm sure I will lean heavily on blogging my frustrations this week. (As usual)

"Oh here go hell come" - Calvin, The Fashion Show

Fixed

Okay I'm going to stop overthinking things. I think it's unnecessary. Honestly Crab has been the most dependable man in my life (other than my father) even without a commitment. And I believe he is committed to being the best of what he is to me. If that's understandable.

I'm reverting back to my Quickie Happy Heart post. I'm going to rewind to that and move forward. See... back on track! TaDaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Oh. and I swear I'm not bi-polar. It's all like puzzle peices. And I lay them out here. Look at them. Move them around. And eventually I find what peices fit together. This is how I solve the puzzle. But I think you guys know that already...

So my weekend without Mini was uneventful. Friday was a hard day. Hard night. I got a text message that was obviously meant for someone else. And while it wasn't anything crazy, it was just a wake up call. Crab is not mine. He can and probably does have other women in his life. He deserves more. All. Right? And he can't see more, all with me so he should be actively persuing a complete relationship that fufills all of his needs right? And I made the decision for myself not to see anyone else anymore. That was my decision. Not our decision. I can't make him do the same. I wish he would. I wish he... nevermind.

But I need to make some agreements with myself about how I'm going to realign my thinking and feelings. Because right now its gonna effect things. I'm not necessarily ready to let go of what I do have with him. So I either need to supress the negative feelings that I have or somehow reinforce any walls I have now. Add a new layer of bricks. But that's hard. Its easy to keep the wall up when its already existing but its hard to build it back up after you've started to take it down. But I have to find a way to fix this because I don't want to lose him. The part of him I have.

G's Law

I have a new law. Like Murphys Law.  Its called G's  Law. Bitches who don't deserve shit get shit.
Chicks who do... Get nothing. Especially nondeserving chicks with fat asses and thick thighs who also seem to have their own set if rules. I unfortunately have neither so my life simply follows the first law.

Doesn't seem fair right... I know... it doesn't... But life's not fair. My daddy told me that.

...

Hey!  Its DrunkMe.  I'm at Crab's.  I'm mad at him. He pissed me off and he didn't even have to. 

I think I was right about everything I said in Unloveable.  Fuck! I wish I had never erased that shit.  I wish I could reread it to remind myself that some chicks will always be the side chick or the option.  People talk all this love shit and I honestly believe that shit is not meant for certain people.  Until those certain people its not meant for (me) believe it isn't in the cards for them they will always be unhappy and disa-fuckin-pointed.  People need to know their place and stay in their lane.  I think sometimes I let the dream get in the way of reality.  Fuck it. It is what it is... and I will always get myself back on track.  Fuck all this love, in love bullshit.  That shit is an illusion.  The only person in this world I can be sure truly loves is myself.  Eveyone else is questionable. I don't believe it.

Expectations make you weak. I won't expect shit from anyone.  I have to remember the only person I can count on is me and sometimes I even let myself down...

Guess what...

You know what I love... pavlovian responses. Trident Tropical Twist gum makes me wet.

That's all for tonight. I'm tired.

Quickie...

I'm really really tired. I was thinking some really profound deep shit on my way home from work. I was gonna blog about it. I can't even remember what it was. But that shit was deeeeeeeeep!

Oh... Oh... I know what it was. And.... it aint that deep... but...

A friend of mine recently went through a breakup and a makeup and although the process was difficult, and there were hurt feelings on both sides, I think that it will do wonders for the strength of the relationship.

If you are able to maintain a level of sanity during difficult times be those times cheating, finances, health whatever... If you can either maintain the growth of a budding romance, or hold on to an existing relationship it makes the bond that much stronger for it. And there's something to be said about that tough raw hide love. Love that is weathered. Love that has said "If I ever catch you....again" or "Things will get better, you'll find a job soon I'm sure" or that love that rubs your back while you puke or wipes your face with a cold rag when you have a fever.

When the trust is back.
When the paychecks are steady.
When the fever has broke. Your love just gained muscle! You feel stronger, you know you can endure.

Good shit! Imma have me some raw hide love. Just without the cheating...

What if... I wasn't crazy

So I've been thinking a lot about what ifs lately. Not necessarily regrets... but what if I was not so scared of rejection. Where would I be. And im talking past what ifs and present what ifs.

Like what if I wasn't scared to show people (men specifically) how I felt. What if I wasn't scared to initiate a hug or a kiss? Like right now, if I initiated a kiss I probably debated it in my head, counted to 5, then said "Ok really on 5 this time!" before I actually acted. Would something in the past that was casual and fleeting have grown into an amazing relationship. Or would I have been pushed away only to become me even more terrified of opening myself up to rejection. Would that night that I jumped up threw my clothes on and ran like a bat out of hell had been an amazing night together, that led to more amazing nights?

Now don't get me wrong, this is not regret because every thing I have done thus far in life has led me to this very exact moment. And I honestly do appreciate every moment I have good and bad. But I just wonder what would have been. Who would I have been? Would I still be me, just not me in desperate need of affection. Would I be in good hug standing? My touches would linger my kisses be soft and not stiff quick pecks. I would be close enough to hear or feel someone's heartbeat. I love that. Heartbeats...

When I'm at Crab's I almost always have a drink. And it's not that I'm an alcoholic. Seriously... I'm not. But I love being able to look him in the eyes and not look away. Or touch him for more of than 4 seconds. And those are regular count, not those one - One thousand, two - One thousand, 3 (you get the point) seconds. I like being able to open my mouth and honest to G-d unfiltered Me comes out. I like that.

If I could let go would I fantasize about sex more than I do just being held. Cause I do you know... I fantasize about touching and holding freely. I fantasize about touching someone for more than the aforementioned 4, 3, 2, 1 OK that's enough.

And get this, I drink so I can and then, later when I'm sober I beat myself up about it. I cringe to think of how I allowed myself to be vulnerable. How I didn't look away. How I reached further and pulled closer. I feel ashamed of being so openly affectionate. I feel foolish. Foolish (repeated so you know I mean it!) But it feels so good in the moment. And I want it. And I want it sober without my muscles stiffening. It's confusing.

What if someone said "It's ok, if you hug me I'm not going to run. I actually like it." Could I do it? Am I capable? Or would I still be too scared? And you know what just ran through my head after writing that? "No one wants you hugging them"

I'm sick. I'm so craaaaazy!

The Battle Hyme of the Internal Housewife

I think I was born to be a housewife. I've always wanted to be a housewife. Even when I was little that is what I wanted to be for halloween. I was a housewife for about six months and I was good at it. The problem was I didn't get the praise that I did from work after a good job. But I swear if I had a husband that said "That new shower curtain looks nice" or "I liked the chicken" at least once a month I'd be happy. I may get some slack for this but. I love having the laundry done and making sure my man's shirts are ironed. I love making sure that my family always has new meals to eat and paying attention to what they like and don't like. I love our backyard being where the kids play and watching them from the window above the kitchen sink. I love having time to do my hair regimine so I look nice when he gets home and I love having the food just coming out of the oven fresh and hot while he's changing his clothes from work. I'm good at it too. I love to take care of home.

I'm good at my job. I am. But the thing is this. I care too much. I always want to do a good job and make people proud of me, but being in the working world I am giving this drive to the wrong people. They don't deserve my dedication. They could care less. If I die tomorrow they would say a few nice things. The couple of people I actually KNOW. They'd probably send out an email. A few people say "Oh..." Most would say "Who's that" And then they would log onto ihirerealestate.com (yup that's what site they use) and start looking for a replacement.

The people who I really want to please, who I really want to be proud of me, they could never replace me. They would miss the way I tickle their feet to wake them up in the morning, or call them sunshine whenever I answer their calls, or miss the extra side of corn I make cause I know they like it. That's who's approval I want and crave. Those are the people that I wish I could spend 24 hours making happy, making comfortable, making full, making proud. I wish I could say I couldn't care less about the others but I need the money they put in my acccount every two weeks. But they don't deserve me. Because most things I do with love and a genuine care. No matter how big, or how small a care. Be it helping my son brush his teeth or... well... you know.... ;) And I realize any care they show at work is just a part of those dumbass GraceHill.com web training things that we have to take. And after they display that "care" they are going to write you up and call it "couseling" for using a PTO to stay home when your son has a snow day.

So yeah. I gotten written up and/or "counseled".

I <3 flashbacks... Sigh

My Bestie... Drunk Me

So I was just telling a friend I love Drunk Me. 

 

Me and Drunk Me could hang out.  Maybe.  But drunk me isn't trying to be up under a bunch of chicks, so she may not even really want to chill with me. 

Drunk Me makes no apologies.  Well she does, but only if saying sorry will get her closer to what she wants.

Drunk Me makes the craziest faces (often a smirk and an upward side eye) because Drunk Me cracks herself up on the inside. She's FUCKING HILARIOUS!  In my opinion

Drunk Me always has an agenda!  I swear she can't just chill.  She always has something on her mind that she wants and HATES it if she doesn't get her way.

Drunk Me sends crazy texts that she doesn't even re-read once before pressing send. Usually in connection to not getting her way

Drunk Me gives chicks nasty looks. Sometimes without knowing... other times perfectly well aware.

Drunk Me bosses my friends around and is the leader.  Yup.  Drunk Me tells those bitches what to do.

Drunk Me will and wants to do everything sexually deviant

Drunk Me has no concept of time and doesn't get sleepy or tired.

Being Drunk Me is like being in a time lapse video.  Drunk Me only remembers the important details.  The good details.

I think some people don't like Drunk Me but I like her.  Drunk Me lets Me Me be free!

Sick and Tired... No literally... Sick and Tired

UGH!  Yesterday was pure hell.  I have dsymenorreah (painful periods) which has recently morphed into the severe catergory.  It's like having the flu and food poisening at the same time one day a month.  But I swear yesterday felt like someone was trying to poison me. 

 

Whenever I get sick I always end up feeling so lonely and wanting my mother.  I called her.  She said she was going to call me back and then forgot.  That did not help with the lonely feeling.  But I never had anyone to take care of me when I was sick so it's strange for sickness to bring loneliness.  Even with my ex.  He didn't give a shit if I was sick.  I had gotten food poisoning once and Mini was a baby.  It was Christmas Eve.  So my best friend had to come and take Mini because I couldn't take care of him.  That doesn't sound strange.  But it isn't like his father didn't live in the same apartment.  So if he wouldn't even take care of him he damn sure wasn't taking care of me. 

 

But Mini is such a good little boy when I'm sick which also helps the loneliness.  I had to have a friend pick him up for me.  He came in.  Rubbed my head kissed me and told me don't worry I didn't have to get up.  He would make his dinner.  He got some pizza bites, put them on a plate in the microwave and asked what numbers to press.  And when they were done he took them in his room and ate.  At some point I woke up and panicked because I hadn't heard any noise.  I called out to him - nothing.  So I dragged myself into his room and he had put on pajamas and put himself to bed. 

 

I always tell myself to stop being such a baby when I feel lonely though because I'm not the only single person in the world without someone to take care of them when they're sick.  And to be honest with you I really wouldn't want anyone to see me looking like that anyway.  I looked like dude.... what's his name.... the reggae dude who bleached his skin.... Vybz Kartel

 

 

Yeah.... That's what I was looking like

 

Procrastination Post

I should be cleaning but instead I was just reading a post over at CG's and one part kind of stood out to me. The part about how after being with someone for a while you begin to see their flaws and I guess your love is lessened for the person. I don't know but I've always loved the things about people I'm with that annoy me. I know that seems to make absolutely no sense. But when I love I love hard and totally. I love the flaws that make you who you are. I always smile a little because whatever it is that person just did that I find to be strange or irritating reminds me that they are who they are and they are who I love. And if I find that i don't love your flaws I know that I don't love you like I thought I did. I mean maybe its just me. Maybe when I fall I'm just stupid in love. But its when I don't love your flaws and I hate to see you smile the love is gone. I don't know...

A Quickie

I know that I've been know to write like three and four entries a day.  Being that I've been gone for a while I feel I really need to get back into the swing of things so I don't want to miss a day, however I haven't got much going on at that moment.  You know I have emotional highs and extreme lows specifically in matters of the heart.  But at the moment my heart is at peace.

 

So I don't need to cry or complain.  Just smile.  I'm happy.  Well... my heart is happy right now.  And considering I am extremely stressed at the moment over finances having a happy heart helps!