Wow. I think I'm changing.
Monday, March 26, 2012
"Hey..." "Hey..."
Technically I didn't get to see Crab yesterday. Except when I was on my way out at 9:45am and kissed him goodbye. Of course we talked through out the entire day. Mostly we continually update on what we are doing. Many conversations sound like
-Hey
-Hey
-What are you doing?
-I was just watching this show then at 5:00 I'm gonna eat but I may fall asleep before then
-Oh Ok. I'm about to put some clothes in the wash and then I'm not gonna do anything
-Ok well I'm here
-Ok
5:15
-Hello
-Yeah It's 5:15 so I was just calling to make sure you were up and to see if you ate yet
-Yeah I'm about to eat a sandwich
-Ok call me back when you're finished
5:30
-Hello
-Yeah
-I just finished eating
-Oh OK
I didn't put Cs or Ms cause they are interchangeable. And of course we have meaningful convos in-between these but we do this ALL DAY!
But I like it cause it's nice to know he's gonna call within the hour at some point. Even Mini said yesterday as he sauntered out of his room... "Call Crab and see what he's doing"
On another note. Several times when we were having our recent rough patches he said that I'm a very sexual person and called me a deviant. Several times. I've never looked at myself as being VERY sexual. Actually I feel less than most people. Like I don't like talking about sex. I shy away from very sexual conversation. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't like sexual jokes. I am offended by what most would consider adult jokes. And I definitely never considered myself a deviant. But whatever. But then I was thinking, I can't be a deviant by myself. So if you participate in my sexual deviance aren't you just as devious as me?
We were watching porn (as we often do) and he says "You see her. She's bad... I've seen her have no problem with giving head but as soon as dude goes to kiss her she looks like she doesn't want to. Like she really has issues kissing but none giving head. That's crazy right?" He looks at me. I just sip my drink and look over the top at the glass at him and I think I could help but smirk a little and he says "Nevermind. You already answered. I always get the broken ones". I cracked up.
Then we made beautiful love! It was pretty much on the same scale of MD. But with someone I loved which is why I will not go into detail. Just know I'm still smiling and have not an anxiety attack in over 24 hours! (That's big! Because I have anxiety attacks ALL DAY LONG)
-Hey
-Hey
-What are you doing?
-I was just watching this show then at 5:00 I'm gonna eat but I may fall asleep before then
-Oh Ok. I'm about to put some clothes in the wash and then I'm not gonna do anything
-Ok well I'm here
-Ok
5:15
-Hello
-Yeah It's 5:15 so I was just calling to make sure you were up and to see if you ate yet
-Yeah I'm about to eat a sandwich
-Ok call me back when you're finished
5:30
-Hello
-Yeah
-I just finished eating
-Oh OK
I didn't put Cs or Ms cause they are interchangeable. And of course we have meaningful convos in-between these but we do this ALL DAY!
But I like it cause it's nice to know he's gonna call within the hour at some point. Even Mini said yesterday as he sauntered out of his room... "Call Crab and see what he's doing"
On another note. Several times when we were having our recent rough patches he said that I'm a very sexual person and called me a deviant. Several times. I've never looked at myself as being VERY sexual. Actually I feel less than most people. Like I don't like talking about sex. I shy away from very sexual conversation. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't like sexual jokes. I am offended by what most would consider adult jokes. And I definitely never considered myself a deviant. But whatever. But then I was thinking, I can't be a deviant by myself. So if you participate in my sexual deviance aren't you just as devious as me?
We were watching porn (as we often do) and he says "You see her. She's bad... I've seen her have no problem with giving head but as soon as dude goes to kiss her she looks like she doesn't want to. Like she really has issues kissing but none giving head. That's crazy right?" He looks at me. I just sip my drink and look over the top at the glass at him and I think I could help but smirk a little and he says "Nevermind. You already answered. I always get the broken ones". I cracked up.
Then we made beautiful love! It was pretty much on the same scale of MD. But with someone I loved which is why I will not go into detail. Just know I'm still smiling and have not an anxiety attack in over 24 hours! (That's big! Because I have anxiety attacks ALL DAY LONG)
Sunday, March 25, 2012
I miss him
I'm falling falling falling deeper and deeper in love with this man. Every second I'm not with him I miss him. I miss him like crazy. when I'm eating I want to be eating with him. When I'm watching tv I wish I was watching it with him. At night I miss pressing my face into his neck when I'm ready to go to sleep. I miss sleeping with my head on his chest. I miss waking up and looking at him and him looking down at me. I miss him all the time.
I'm finally comfortable with him. It is so scary! What am I supposed to do now? Do I continue to allow myself to do this? Do I pull back? It feels so good. I'm scared of getting used to it.
Oh...... but its so wondeful!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Old vs. New
Did I tell y'all I gave my ex $100 the other day? Probably not. He called me
X: I need to borrow some money.
M: How much?
X: $200
M: Lemme see what I have... when will you give it back to me?
X: Friday (I could tell he was lying. He had no intentions of paying me back)
M: I have $100... (I had the $200 but I felt like since I knew he wasn't going to give it back $100 felt like an easier loss on someone who has no regards for me at all than $200)
X: Ok anything will help
He then told me he needed it by 3:00. He expected me to leave work and bring it to him. Oh contraire mon frere. Not today!
I told him I work an hour away and he was welcome to come get it. And he did.
I didn't tell Crab. I was ashamed of myself for having sympathy for him
Saturday morning when we woke up I sat up and said
M: I have to tell you something. It's killing me to keep a secret for you."
OMG the look on his face...
C: Oh ok
M: I gave Ex some money (I told him the convo)
I swear, knowing that I'd given him this money and kept it a SECRET was driving me insane. If I just never thought to mention it that would be one thing. But to say to myself "Don't tell Crab" was like having a monkey on my back.
But I like that I am thinking smarter. Old me would have given him $200. Old me would have left work to bring it to him. Old me would have mentioned him driving the car that he said he doesn't have to my job an hour away to get something for himself. (Did I tell you he lies and says he doesn't have a vehicle so that he won't have to pick up and drop off our son? What a loser!) Old me would have believed that he had good intentions of returning the money. Old me would have depended on him returning the money. Old me would have cussed him out a million times.
New me said "It's ok to help him but not to the point that it will hurt you." New me said "Wooooow, he's lying even though he knows I use this money to take care of our son. He's a bastard." New me said "Don't even mention the money. He probably expects you to. Just let it go. You knew he wasn't gonna give it back." New me didn't go in on him about the car that he swears he doesn't have.
I'm liking new me. She's smarter and more mature. In my opinion.
New me is also taking some responsibility for the way men treat her too. But we'll talk about that later!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Dreams
Sometimes (most of the time) I have weird ass dreams!
I had the strangest dream the other night that Crab and I were in a cheap motel. We had five kids. The two youngest were around 6 months and maybe a 3 weeks old. Crab was on the bed holding the 6 month old. The older kids were kind of running around/watching TV. I look on the floor and notice our 3 week old was on the floor spitting up milk and choking. So I run over to the baby. He was a little itty bitty thing. I pick him up and start giving him mouth to mouth and he turns into a cell phone. On the screen was a little red headed white boy and every time I'd breathe air into his mouth (by putting my mouth on the screen) his cheeks would puff up with air. Then I'd do chest compressions by pressing on his chest on the screen.
That's where it ended because Crab woke me up to go to work.
Last night I had a dream that I woke up at Crab's house but I didn't remember ever going. I woke up and my childhood friend was there with me. She was a wild one when we were in high school and she never took anything seriously. When I woke up I was like "How'd I get here!?!?" He told me I showed up at 3:25 in the morning. I looked outside and there was a security car in the driveway. You know, like a mall security car. I kept asking if I'd driven it there and neither one of them were taking it seriously. She was just running all over the place not paying attention and he was laughing. I was getting really pissed and I kept asking if I'd driven the car over but no one could give me an answer. I knew I hadn't been drinking and was worried if someone had drugged me or something. But Crab just kept making jokes about it and I was so mad.
Yeah that was last night's dream.
I had the strangest dream the other night that Crab and I were in a cheap motel. We had five kids. The two youngest were around 6 months and maybe a 3 weeks old. Crab was on the bed holding the 6 month old. The older kids were kind of running around/watching TV. I look on the floor and notice our 3 week old was on the floor spitting up milk and choking. So I run over to the baby. He was a little itty bitty thing. I pick him up and start giving him mouth to mouth and he turns into a cell phone. On the screen was a little red headed white boy and every time I'd breathe air into his mouth (by putting my mouth on the screen) his cheeks would puff up with air. Then I'd do chest compressions by pressing on his chest on the screen.
That's where it ended because Crab woke me up to go to work.
Last night I had a dream that I woke up at Crab's house but I didn't remember ever going. I woke up and my childhood friend was there with me. She was a wild one when we were in high school and she never took anything seriously. When I woke up I was like "How'd I get here!?!?" He told me I showed up at 3:25 in the morning. I looked outside and there was a security car in the driveway. You know, like a mall security car. I kept asking if I'd driven it there and neither one of them were taking it seriously. She was just running all over the place not paying attention and he was laughing. I was getting really pissed and I kept asking if I'd driven the car over but no one could give me an answer. I knew I hadn't been drinking and was worried if someone had drugged me or something. But Crab just kept making jokes about it and I was so mad.
Yeah that was last night's dream.
Hmmmm....
So boring. Nothing to talk about.
I think Crab doesn't want me talking about what we do. He's changing lately. I don't know. Not personality wise. He's still the same in that aspect. But emotionally. Hard to explain. But I can say that this would be the time that I do a pivot turn and bounce! For some reason I have no problem saying I love someone but then the second someone else shows feelings I don't want them anymore. I'm a sicko! But I feel no need to run. I actually want him more, miss him more, feel closer to him. Maybe I'm growing the fuck up! About time huh?
So boring. Nothing to talk about.
I think Crab doesn't want me talking about what we do. He's changing lately. I don't know. Not personality wise. He's still the same in that aspect. But emotionally. Hard to explain. But I can say that this would be the time that I do a pivot turn and bounce! For some reason I have no problem saying I love someone but then the second someone else shows feelings I don't want them anymore. I'm a sicko! But I feel no need to run. I actually want him more, miss him more, feel closer to him. Maybe I'm growing the fuck up! About time huh?
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Spam
Why did I encourage Crab to go on twitter?!?! He makes me sick on there AND he blocked me. Imma make a second and third twitter @ just to bother him. Lol. The other day I walked by him, looked at his TL and said
They shoulda never let this NWord have a twitter.
And you know what he did?
He tweeted it.
Let's ban together and report him as spam!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Right Back At'Cha
Well. I am sitting on the couch and I finally feel clear enough to write.
Its a really strange thing that has happened with me and Crab. I. Guess we both had a fight or flight moment over the last few months. And it appears we both chose to fight. And what's even more strange is the fight. The fight is not offensive or defensive. The fight was actually just letting go.
I feel he has allowed me to see he has feelings for me. More than just "friends". I never allowed myself to believe that he could feel that for me. I never wanted to feel the hurt that could be possible if I believed and was wrong. But he was vulnerable and said several times "I have feelings". He described what I was doing as cheating. And while we aren't together I realized that by trying to make him stick around it was like if someone was cheating on their mate and saying
"I'm not getting rid of you yet but I am seeing someone else who I'm eventually going leave you for."
And my fight. My fight was letting go of fear. I'm no longer afraid. I spend the night. And when I do. I actually sleep. I lay down with no intent of getting up. I get comfortable ON the bed. (Remember I used to only sit on the floor). I go to sleep. I wake up with no intentions of leaving right away. I go get coffee. I get back in bed and I leave when I'm good and ready and that's sometimes not until late afternoon. When we have sex I look at him. I talk to him. (A little. Work in progress). And I crawl right next to him when we're done and bury my face in his neck and breathe him in deep. I sling my leg over him wrapping my arm around his body and tuck my hand tightly between his back and the mattress and at no point do I feel the need to run.
This thing. This place I'm in with him right now...
I think
I think this is what it feels like when you love someone
And they love you back
Its a really strange thing that has happened with me and Crab. I. Guess we both had a fight or flight moment over the last few months. And it appears we both chose to fight. And what's even more strange is the fight. The fight is not offensive or defensive. The fight was actually just letting go.
I feel he has allowed me to see he has feelings for me. More than just "friends". I never allowed myself to believe that he could feel that for me. I never wanted to feel the hurt that could be possible if I believed and was wrong. But he was vulnerable and said several times "I have feelings". He described what I was doing as cheating. And while we aren't together I realized that by trying to make him stick around it was like if someone was cheating on their mate and saying
"I'm not getting rid of you yet but I am seeing someone else who I'm eventually going leave you for."
And my fight. My fight was letting go of fear. I'm no longer afraid. I spend the night. And when I do. I actually sleep. I lay down with no intent of getting up. I get comfortable ON the bed. (Remember I used to only sit on the floor). I go to sleep. I wake up with no intentions of leaving right away. I go get coffee. I get back in bed and I leave when I'm good and ready and that's sometimes not until late afternoon. When we have sex I look at him. I talk to him. (A little. Work in progress). And I crawl right next to him when we're done and bury my face in his neck and breathe him in deep. I sling my leg over him wrapping my arm around his body and tuck my hand tightly between his back and the mattress and at no point do I feel the need to run.
This thing. This place I'm in with him right now...
I think
I think this is what it feels like when you love someone
And they love you back
Hey!
I'm alive
I'm still doing what I do. In love with Crab. Not leading Homeboy towards anything because of my relationship with Crab.
Spending a lot of time with Crab. Sleeping over has become the norm. I like it. I also love to lay with him. Progress. I'm talking a little more during also. AND there's a lot more "during" to speak of then usual! Now when I'm not with him I'm missing him like CARAZY.
Yup.
Still Me.
When I get some news for you (good or bad) I'll come back.
Crab and I ordered new toys so....
Yeah. I'll tell y'all about them one we use them
I'm alive
I'm still doing what I do. In love with Crab. Not leading Homeboy towards anything because of my relationship with Crab.
Spending a lot of time with Crab. Sleeping over has become the norm. I like it. I also love to lay with him. Progress. I'm talking a little more during also. AND there's a lot more "during" to speak of then usual! Now when I'm not with him I'm missing him like CARAZY.
Yup.
Still Me.
When I get some news for you (good or bad) I'll come back.
Crab and I ordered new toys so....
Yeah. I'll tell y'all about them one we use them
Friday, March 16, 2012
We had such a good morning. The sex was good and I was feeling so close and in love with him when I left and then he called sounding sad saying that it felt different today. I hate when he thinks like that. I don't want him sitting around thinking thinking thinking...
No one has been near it but him for years.
I told him it's not true and he said he believed me... We'll see...
No one has been near it but him for years.
I told him it's not true and he said he believed me... We'll see...
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Hey y'all. I haven't been writing because I'm just confused right now. And my feelings right now are so... I don't now how to describe it but I think I just don't want to share. ** shrugs **
I think you guys can appreciate that.
But I'm torn up inside right now about the right thing to do.
I know what I do
I think you guys can appreciate that.
But I'm torn up inside right now about the right thing to do.
I know what I do
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Uhhhhhh....
I'm kind of not feeling very free right now with the blogging now that Crab has been all nutty about my past posts.
Anyway. So I'll see Homeboy tonight at the gym. On Tuesday I found out that this week is the last week of boxing and Mini only had one class. But homeboy paid upfront for him to have 2 private lessons and brought the boxing coach (is that what they call them? coaches) over to me and told me that anytime I wanted to come I could and he would give Mini private sessions and Homeboy will pay for it. When I was about to leave he wanted me to stay so he could introduce me to his father, but his dad was on the weights and I didn't want to disturb him. I told him I'd meet him today instead. His dad is hot. I just needed to put that out there. Dad is... Mmmmm. Mmmm. Before I left I decided to mess with him a little bit and was all "Gimme a kiss". He started stuttering and laughing and blushing and was like "In front of everyone?!?!? I mean... I never really... I mean... right now?" and he was just stuttering and then I started laughing and told him "I was just kidding!" Then he started laughing and saying "No. No. I'll do it. I'll do it" And I was like "Naaaaaw... I was joking Homeboy."
My ex-husband (or husband if you wanna be technical) called me saying he was gonna get evicted today. -_-
I don't know what wanted me to say...
-_-
I told him he better call his brothers ASAP. Then he said where am I gonna put all my stuff.
"Storage" was my answer
He got mad and hung up
How are you getting evicted when you make more money than me and pay $400 less than me in rent? And don't have a kid. I'll tell you how. You mooch off of a woman for 10 years and then have no idea how to manage your finances and pay your bills when she leaves your dumb ass. While I'm begging you for money to help with the $175/week after-care, you are smiling showing me your new 60in flat screen.
Anyway. So I'll see Homeboy tonight at the gym. On Tuesday I found out that this week is the last week of boxing and Mini only had one class. But homeboy paid upfront for him to have 2 private lessons and brought the boxing coach (is that what they call them? coaches) over to me and told me that anytime I wanted to come I could and he would give Mini private sessions and Homeboy will pay for it. When I was about to leave he wanted me to stay so he could introduce me to his father, but his dad was on the weights and I didn't want to disturb him. I told him I'd meet him today instead. His dad is hot. I just needed to put that out there. Dad is... Mmmmm. Mmmm. Before I left I decided to mess with him a little bit and was all "Gimme a kiss". He started stuttering and laughing and blushing and was like "In front of everyone?!?!? I mean... I never really... I mean... right now?" and he was just stuttering and then I started laughing and told him "I was just kidding!" Then he started laughing and saying "No. No. I'll do it. I'll do it" And I was like "Naaaaaw... I was joking Homeboy."
My ex-husband (or husband if you wanna be technical) called me saying he was gonna get evicted today. -_-
I don't know what wanted me to say...
-_-
I told him he better call his brothers ASAP. Then he said where am I gonna put all my stuff.
"Storage" was my answer
He got mad and hung up
How are you getting evicted when you make more money than me and pay $400 less than me in rent? And don't have a kid. I'll tell you how. You mooch off of a woman for 10 years and then have no idea how to manage your finances and pay your bills when she leaves your dumb ass. While I'm begging you for money to help with the $175/week after-care, you are smiling showing me your new 60in flat screen.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
This is why
Well I figured I'd give a little background about my not good enough issues.
Now reading this you will probably think my mother is horrible! She really isn't though. My mother is such a sweetheart. My mother definitely didn't mean harm and I'm sure had no idea they were doing. And if you are a parent yourself you know there are times you don't know what to or realize what you are doing is not the right thing. Co-Sleeping (s/o to Monique) or crying it out? Spankings or Time Outs? Teach a boy to "Man Up" or let him be in touch with his feelings? Ritalin or no Ritalin? So I in no way harbor any ill feelings about my childhood. But I do recognize that this feeling on inferiority and being not worth it, not good enough comes from my childhood.
Here's some background on my parents to help you understand why my mother was the way she was.
My mother grew up in a home being raised by her mother and grandmother. He father had died when she was a toddler. Her grandmother ran a successful salon. They lived in a nice house. But her mother was a terrible alcoholic. My grandmother was tons and tons of fun sober. But drunk she was meeeeean! she would say terrible things. I remember all the names she'd call me when she was drunk. My mother had a little brother (same father) and a little sister (different father). Two things I found out later in life that I affected my mother deeply were #1 her mother killed her father. In self-defense. But she did. My mother didn't know this until later in life. Kids used to tease her but she always thought it was just a mean rumor and gave it no second thought. But she did have a reoccurring dream her whole life. She used to dream that she was in her crib and saw her mother stab her father. Later (sometime in there 30s or early 40s) she found out it was actually a memory and not a dream when her mother told her. she was in fact in her crib watching when this happened. Another thing that I think is important to know is that my mother's little sister's father molested my mother. Details I don't know and I don't want to know. A few months ago, when I had Mini's birthday party at the skating rink my mother wouldn't come because she said when she was little he would make her come with him and she had bad memories about the location. I didn't pry. I just said ok.
Anyway. I know that as soon as she could my mother left and went to college, Fisk University (s/o to Freckles) That is where she met my Father who was attending MeHarry Medical School. My father was from the same state as her but grew up in a more affluent family. My grandparents were college graduates. I'm pretty sure they graduated sometime in the late 1920s early 1930s. My grandfather was a member of Omega Psi Phi and my Grandmother was a member of Zeta Phi Beta. My Grandfather was a Reverend and my grandmother a teacher. Alex Haley is a cousin and the story of Roots is my family's story. Well anyways... so as you can see my parents came from 2 very different worlds. So they met in Tennessee and were friends. Buddies. then for whatever reason my dad asked my mother to marry him. she said yes. She called home and her friends put together a wedding and they came home to NJ, got married and went back to school. So my father was looking to open his own practice so he says "Listen you will be a teacher so that we have good health benefits" My mother at heart is an artist and a writer. And she's not fond of children. But she did it. I'll tell you later what it is she really wanted to do. At 24 she had my brother. At 27 she had me. Back home in NJ life went on. The town I grew up in most of the Black families there were friends. Many attended school together (Morgan, Howard, MeHarry... you know the). almost everyone was either a Que or a Kappa or a Delta or AKA with sprinklings of Sigmas and Zetas here and there. Most people were in Jack and Jill which is a social organization for Black mothers and children. You had to be invited into it and income is certainly a factor (just keeping in 100) and at one point in time color. My mother wasn't allowed to join when she was younger. And let me tell you my mother was (is) beautiful. She is darkskinned and had gorgeous long hair. For those weave wearers think 24 inch Remy. Anyways so now my mother was in this new social circle but with people she'd grown up with. So now they're all married to doctors and lawyers and the like and they are living a pretty nice life.
But here's the thing. This is not what my mother wanted. So she was depressed. And that probably affected things. She probably said a lot to me that you wouldn't normally say to your child in a regular circumstance like:
When you were born I was so disappointed. I always dreamed of have a beautiful brown baby girl with big eyes and you were so light with little beady eyes.
Or
I never wanted kids. I wanted to be a flight attendant and see the world but your father hid my birth control
Or
I don't know how you got here because I had a diaphragm
The list goes on and on. I was often ignored. Over-looked. Short changed. Told to shut up no one cared about what I thought. I felt invisible most of the time. I remember being little I used to sit with my eyes closed and wish I could evaporate. So no one would have to worry about burying me. No funeral which I imagined would be empty anyway. I just wanted to disappear and be gone. I didn't however think my mother was not nice to me though. I just remember thinking that I sucked. That I was not good enough. But not because of what she said. Just that was how I felt. But I see why I felt that way now. And I see how I quit a lot or never tried because I always felt I wasn't good enough anyway. I see how that affected me. I was never willing to even try anything. I'm good at a lot. But felt I'd never be good enough. I still hold back (as you can see) like I could do a lot more with my face painting business. But I have this "You'll never be the best" mentality. And it's not a loud voice in my head. I usually only realize after the fact that I've held myself back. And it's had to change a voice that was put there from the beginning. Over 30 years of time. Telling me how inadequate I am. That's why I smother Mini. No matter what I tell him he's gorgeous, handsome, smart, hilarious. I tell him how badly I wanted him. How scared I was he'd be a girl and how thrilled I was to find out that he was a boy. I hug him. I kiss him. I hold his hand. Tell him I will always be there to listen.
But now for me. I just want to be worth it. Good enough to be wanted and not settled for. That's all I want.
Now reading this you will probably think my mother is horrible! She really isn't though. My mother is such a sweetheart. My mother definitely didn't mean harm and I'm sure had no idea they were doing. And if you are a parent yourself you know there are times you don't know what to or realize what you are doing is not the right thing. Co-Sleeping (s/o to Monique) or crying it out? Spankings or Time Outs? Teach a boy to "Man Up" or let him be in touch with his feelings? Ritalin or no Ritalin? So I in no way harbor any ill feelings about my childhood. But I do recognize that this feeling on inferiority and being not worth it, not good enough comes from my childhood.
Here's some background on my parents to help you understand why my mother was the way she was.
My mother grew up in a home being raised by her mother and grandmother. He father had died when she was a toddler. Her grandmother ran a successful salon. They lived in a nice house. But her mother was a terrible alcoholic. My grandmother was tons and tons of fun sober. But drunk she was meeeeean! she would say terrible things. I remember all the names she'd call me when she was drunk. My mother had a little brother (same father) and a little sister (different father). Two things I found out later in life that I affected my mother deeply were #1 her mother killed her father. In self-defense. But she did. My mother didn't know this until later in life. Kids used to tease her but she always thought it was just a mean rumor and gave it no second thought. But she did have a reoccurring dream her whole life. She used to dream that she was in her crib and saw her mother stab her father. Later (sometime in there 30s or early 40s) she found out it was actually a memory and not a dream when her mother told her. she was in fact in her crib watching when this happened. Another thing that I think is important to know is that my mother's little sister's father molested my mother. Details I don't know and I don't want to know. A few months ago, when I had Mini's birthday party at the skating rink my mother wouldn't come because she said when she was little he would make her come with him and she had bad memories about the location. I didn't pry. I just said ok.
Anyway. I know that as soon as she could my mother left and went to college, Fisk University (s/o to Freckles) That is where she met my Father who was attending MeHarry Medical School. My father was from the same state as her but grew up in a more affluent family. My grandparents were college graduates. I'm pretty sure they graduated sometime in the late 1920s early 1930s. My grandfather was a member of Omega Psi Phi and my Grandmother was a member of Zeta Phi Beta. My Grandfather was a Reverend and my grandmother a teacher. Alex Haley is a cousin and the story of Roots is my family's story. Well anyways... so as you can see my parents came from 2 very different worlds. So they met in Tennessee and were friends. Buddies. then for whatever reason my dad asked my mother to marry him. she said yes. She called home and her friends put together a wedding and they came home to NJ, got married and went back to school. So my father was looking to open his own practice so he says "Listen you will be a teacher so that we have good health benefits" My mother at heart is an artist and a writer. And she's not fond of children. But she did it. I'll tell you later what it is she really wanted to do. At 24 she had my brother. At 27 she had me. Back home in NJ life went on. The town I grew up in most of the Black families there were friends. Many attended school together (Morgan, Howard, MeHarry... you know the). almost everyone was either a Que or a Kappa or a Delta or AKA with sprinklings of Sigmas and Zetas here and there. Most people were in Jack and Jill which is a social organization for Black mothers and children. You had to be invited into it and income is certainly a factor (just keeping in 100) and at one point in time color. My mother wasn't allowed to join when she was younger. And let me tell you my mother was (is) beautiful. She is darkskinned and had gorgeous long hair. For those weave wearers think 24 inch Remy. Anyways so now my mother was in this new social circle but with people she'd grown up with. So now they're all married to doctors and lawyers and the like and they are living a pretty nice life.
But here's the thing. This is not what my mother wanted. So she was depressed. And that probably affected things. She probably said a lot to me that you wouldn't normally say to your child in a regular circumstance like:
When you were born I was so disappointed. I always dreamed of have a beautiful brown baby girl with big eyes and you were so light with little beady eyes.
Or
I never wanted kids. I wanted to be a flight attendant and see the world but your father hid my birth control
Or
I don't know how you got here because I had a diaphragm
The list goes on and on. I was often ignored. Over-looked. Short changed. Told to shut up no one cared about what I thought. I felt invisible most of the time. I remember being little I used to sit with my eyes closed and wish I could evaporate. So no one would have to worry about burying me. No funeral which I imagined would be empty anyway. I just wanted to disappear and be gone. I didn't however think my mother was not nice to me though. I just remember thinking that I sucked. That I was not good enough. But not because of what she said. Just that was how I felt. But I see why I felt that way now. And I see how I quit a lot or never tried because I always felt I wasn't good enough anyway. I see how that affected me. I was never willing to even try anything. I'm good at a lot. But felt I'd never be good enough. I still hold back (as you can see) like I could do a lot more with my face painting business. But I have this "You'll never be the best" mentality. And it's not a loud voice in my head. I usually only realize after the fact that I've held myself back. And it's had to change a voice that was put there from the beginning. Over 30 years of time. Telling me how inadequate I am. That's why I smother Mini. No matter what I tell him he's gorgeous, handsome, smart, hilarious. I tell him how badly I wanted him. How scared I was he'd be a girl and how thrilled I was to find out that he was a boy. I hug him. I kiss him. I hold his hand. Tell him I will always be there to listen.
But now for me. I just want to be worth it. Good enough to be wanted and not settled for. That's all I want.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Guess what I diiiiiiiiid?
Well. this weekend... hmm... Well Homeboy went back on his invitation. So.... He was all "Well I don't think I'm really gonna stay. I'm just gonna stay long enough to present an award and then I'm gonna leave." so I was like ok. Whatever. Then Crab and I got into it over the phone last minute Friday Night right before I was about to fall asleep for the night at which point he yelled at me and told me he didn't want to speak to me anymore and that I was whack and I thought I was slick and that I'm just like every other bitch and so forth and so forth on. It was because he said I said I was going to stop speaking to Homeboy and I didn't. I did not say that but.... He believes it was implied. I didn't sobbed this time. I just went to sleep. In the morning I took breakfast to my mom and told my mother. She just smiled. Little background about my mother.
She doesn't like men. She's not gay, she just can't stand them. (courtesy of my father). But you know who she likes? Crab. Yes she does. She really likes him.
So I was telling my mom about the argument and whining saying he wasn't gonna pick up the phone and I was calling and texting and showing my mom the texts and I said
"Mommy I luuuuuuuuuv him!"
And she says "Diana I know you luuuuuuuuuv him. And he luuuuuuuuuvs you! You two are so ridiculous." and she laughed
I continued to call him and then finally he picked up. And I said "Hey. You want breakfast?" he said "ok" and I went over there and brought him breakfast and pretended like the entire fight never happened. I didn't stay long because I had Mini and I had a party to do (I do face painting for kids parties). After the party I called and asked if he wanted to try a new burger spot. I got us some burgers and we ate and watched The Godfather Trilogy. Then I dropped him of at The Spot at like 12:30. When I drop him off, he stays past closing (cause his friend works there) and then catches a ride with a friend. I texted...
M: Home
C: Ok. Muffin (his homie) isn't here. So I'm gonna take a cab home tonight.
M: Want me to wait up?
No response. Around two he calls and I said
M: Hey . Want me to come get you?
C: Yeah and then you can just stay over
So I went and we chilled watched tv. He mentioned how I always pretend that everything is fine like he never said he didn't want to speak to me. I laughed cause, yup I do. And if he didn't want to speak to me he wouldn't. I wouldn't be able to come over and pretend would I? So we did good things Saturday night/Sunday Morning. I was knocked out cold. I kissed him... Yeah I did. And are you ready......
Drum roll please!
I fell asleep with my head on his chest and slept this way most of the night! Yup I did! I did! Yeah I did! And I want to sleep like that again!
And again!
And again!
It felt SO nice! I'm smiling so hard right now while typing this. That is BIG for me. BIG! Not only did I get close to him. I stayed close to him AND fell asleep! Do you know how I feel? I feel like I just...like...totally did one of the scariest things ever to do in my book of scary things to do.
Aaaaaaaaw Yeah.....
I didn't wake up until 11:00 (which is unheard of for me.) I stayed until like 3:00 then went and picked up my Mini from his dad's. YUP he stayed at his dad's. I had to be shiesty and drop him off then be like "NOPE I'm not coming to get him and I'm in New York so you can't bring him home!" But hey. he hasn't kept him or even let him come over in.... I don't know how long.
Sunday I talked to homeboy and he was all...
I called you
And I was all
Yeah I know...
And that's it. We didn't really talk. just silence. And then I was all "Call me back later."
She doesn't like men. She's not gay, she just can't stand them. (courtesy of my father). But you know who she likes? Crab. Yes she does. She really likes him.
So I was telling my mom about the argument and whining saying he wasn't gonna pick up the phone and I was calling and texting and showing my mom the texts and I said
"Mommy I luuuuuuuuuv him!"
And she says "Diana I know you luuuuuuuuuv him. And he luuuuuuuuuvs you! You two are so ridiculous." and she laughed
I continued to call him and then finally he picked up. And I said "Hey. You want breakfast?" he said "ok" and I went over there and brought him breakfast and pretended like the entire fight never happened. I didn't stay long because I had Mini and I had a party to do (I do face painting for kids parties). After the party I called and asked if he wanted to try a new burger spot. I got us some burgers and we ate and watched The Godfather Trilogy. Then I dropped him of at The Spot at like 12:30. When I drop him off, he stays past closing (cause his friend works there) and then catches a ride with a friend. I texted...
M: Home
C: Ok. Muffin (his homie) isn't here. So I'm gonna take a cab home tonight.
M: Want me to wait up?
No response. Around two he calls and I said
M: Hey . Want me to come get you?
C: Yeah and then you can just stay over
So I went and we chilled watched tv. He mentioned how I always pretend that everything is fine like he never said he didn't want to speak to me. I laughed cause, yup I do. And if he didn't want to speak to me he wouldn't. I wouldn't be able to come over and pretend would I? So we did good things Saturday night/Sunday Morning. I was knocked out cold. I kissed him... Yeah I did. And are you ready......
Drum roll please!
I fell asleep with my head on his chest and slept this way most of the night! Yup I did! I did! Yeah I did! And I want to sleep like that again!
And again!
And again!
It felt SO nice! I'm smiling so hard right now while typing this. That is BIG for me. BIG! Not only did I get close to him. I stayed close to him AND fell asleep! Do you know how I feel? I feel like I just...like...totally did one of the scariest things ever to do in my book of scary things to do.
- Spend the night SCARY.
- Cuddle with someone you actually love. SCARY.
- Sleep around someone. SCARY.
- Sleep ON someone. SUPER SCARY
Aaaaaaaaw Yeah.....
I didn't wake up until 11:00 (which is unheard of for me.) I stayed until like 3:00 then went and picked up my Mini from his dad's. YUP he stayed at his dad's. I had to be shiesty and drop him off then be like "NOPE I'm not coming to get him and I'm in New York so you can't bring him home!" But hey. he hasn't kept him or even let him come over in.... I don't know how long.
Sunday I talked to homeboy and he was all...
I called you
And I was all
Yeah I know...
And that's it. We didn't really talk. just silence. And then I was all "Call me back later."
Friday, March 2, 2012
Good Enough
I'm at the mall with Mini right now. Seeing couples is such a sight for me. I've never had a man that I went out to public places with. I always wonder if the man really wants to be with the girl. How did she get him to come with her? Is it annoying him for her to hold his hand. She's not that pretty. How'd she get him to do this? And then I start to feel sad and wonder why I'm not good enough.
How nice!
Well... Homeboy just asked me to come with him to a breakfast honoring his father who is an assemblyman. How nice! I told him I'd go. I love those types of things. How do you DMV people say it? Cyssed?
Thursday, March 1, 2012
The Gym
So we just got back from the gym. I like it! Mini likes it too. I happen to know parents of two of the kids in the football program. They also have boxing. But the dilemma came when the boxing coach called me over and asked if I was putting Mini in boxing which is at the same time as football. So get this. Homeboy said he didn't have to choose and would get Mini private boxing lessons so he wouldn't have to pick one. That Homeboy. He's so generous all the time. He tried to pay for the gym membership but I wouldn't let him.
So Mini came home and threw on some work out gear and has been doing sit-ups and push ups and can't wait to go to the gym. I'm gonna see if Homeboy will spend a few minutes with him tomorrow because I'm not sure this kid can even wait until Tuesday. I'm sure he will. He seemed so excited for Mini to sign up. And said he thinks he should come more than two days a week.
Shhhhh.... listen... as we speak Mini is feverishly searching for his mp3 player. Shh... shhhh....I was supposed to charge it for him but I forgot. So I hid it. I'm the wooooooorst! Lol shhhhh.....
Full Disclosure
I have to tell him where I'm going.
I don't feel like it.
But I'm gonna.
But I really don't feel like going through it. Mainly because I'm already really tired. And emotionality (yeah I just made that up to replace the word drama. The structure of the word make no sense but... yup I don't care) Anyway... yeah ,emotionality makes me exhausted.
In other news... I smell De-Licious! Mmmmmm
I don't feel like it.
But I'm gonna.
But I really don't feel like going through it. Mainly because I'm already really tired. And emotionality (yeah I just made that up to replace the word drama. The structure of the word make no sense but... yup I don't care) Anyway... yeah ,emotionality makes me exhausted.
In other news... I smell De-Licious! Mmmmmm
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