Right Back At'Cha

Well.  I am sitting on the couch and I finally feel clear enough to write. 
Its a really strange thing that has happened with me and Crab.  I. Guess we both had a fight or flight moment over the last few months.  And it appears we both chose to fight. And what's even more strange is the fight.  The fight is not offensive or defensive.  The fight was actually just letting go. 
I feel he has allowed me to see he has feelings for me.  More than just "friends". I never allowed myself to believe that he could feel that for me.  I never wanted to feel the hurt that could be possible if I believed and was wrong.  But he was vulnerable and said several times "I have feelings".  He described what I was doing as cheating.  And while we aren't together I realized that by trying to make him stick around it was like if someone was cheating on their mate and saying

"I'm not getting rid of you yet but I am seeing someone else who I'm eventually going leave you for."

And my fight.  My fight was letting go of fear.  I'm no longer afraid.  I spend the night.  And when I do.  I actually sleep.  I lay down with no intent of getting up.  I get comfortable ON the bed. (Remember I used to only sit on the floor).  I go to sleep.  I wake up with no intentions of leaving right away.  I go get coffee.  I get back in bed and I leave when I'm good and ready and that's sometimes not until late afternoon.  When we have sex I look at him. I talk to him. (A little.  Work in progress). And I crawl right next to him when we're done and bury my face in his neck and breathe him in deep.  I sling my leg over him wrapping my arm around his body and tuck my hand tightly between his back and the mattress and at no point do I feel the need to run. 

This thing.  This place I'm in with him right now...
I think
I think this is what it feels like when you love someone
And they love you back