My Pen Pal

I never check my mail.  My aunt sends me checks all the time and has to call me to say

"Check the mail!"

But ever since my pen pal Internal R. Service has been writing me... I run every day to see if I gotten another loverly letter.

FUCK YOU! PAY ME!

Dolla Dolla Bill Y'all

I don't really have much to talk about!  I could be all Blah Blah Blah I love him.  Blah Blah Blah I want to be with him all the time.  Blah Blah Blah Blah Crab...

But

I don't feel like it.

I'm tired of talking about him to you guys for a while.

On another note... Guess what happened today?

The Gub'ment mailed my check! 

YESZIR!  

I want to spent 8 hours acting Nword-rific.  You know... buy something completely impractical and blast some Weezy while do it.  

Like Kid Fury style

(I swear I'm doing this in the grocery store in my head.  And I guarantee that you will too now)

But mostly I'll be paying for a little vacay for me Mini and Crab.  We're going to go to Universal Studios cause Mini wants to go.  And Christmas gifts.  Then the rest is going away.

  

LURKING

Sigh....

I wish I could get Crab kicked off Instagram FO-EVVVVAAAAA!!!!!!
I knew it was gonna be a problem. For years I never became Facebook friends with him.  He was always really into Facebook.  Definitely a lot more than me.  Like to hear him say "I was on facebook and...." was not uncommon.  He is very sensitive about his social media goings on too.  So that was just one reason I didn't want to be his FB friend.  Cause make the wrong comment on "His Page" and BaaaayBaaaay.... hmph...  And I'm a jokester and I definitely like to antagonize my friends.  So he would not have liked me and my FB comments.  I was FB friends with him for a couple of days when it was his Bday because he likes the Bday messages but then I unfriended him b/c I HATED his FB.  And I got on on his son's bday so that I could like his happy birthday posts to him and wish him happy birthday.  But I HATE HIS FB.

And the primary reason that I don't want to interact with him social medialy is because...

I'm a jealous Monster!  Yup I'm irrational. I am paranoid.  I am exaggeratory. I'm hot headed.  I have an over active imagination.

And I know all of these things about myself.  But it is not enough to just know these things about yourself.  You must be able to CONTROL them.  And that's the problem.  Because you start to question if it is real or not.  If you ignore it will you regret in the future.  Just like someone who hears voices.  They've been diagnosed with schizophrenia but what if this is the ONE time the voice is real and they really should sacrifice the cat to the God of Cotton Candy and his army of flying pigs?  Then you ignore it cause society tells you you're crazy.  But what if the voices were real! Then what!?!?
Ya know?
Like what if that chick on Instagram really did mean "I want to make passionate love to you.  Buy me a ticket to NJ from CA so we can hook up", when she wrote "Good Morning!  Have a good day!"  What if I ignore it and they think they got one over on me with their "Good Morning" codes.

So when IG first became available to us lowly android users we followed each other.
It'll be fun I said (to myself)
No Problem (I told myself)

I LIED

Since the beginning I have blocked, been blocked, followed, unfollowed, been followed, been unfollowed and now, I don't follow.  I'm not followed but...

I STALK

in the morning I want to know what shenanigans were going on on IG while I was sleeping and he was awake (he's awake most of the night so I know he must have been up to Instafuckery)

After I sit down at my desk I stalk because I know that he must have been up to something after he called to wake me up and I while I got dressed and drove to work.   I rarely stalk during the day because I know he's sleeping.  But at around 4pm.  I stalk because I know his granddaughter gets off of the school buss at around 3:30 so he may have been up to something between 3:30 and 4:00.  Mind you there is rarely anything to see.  I'm stalking for comments from his followers

@InstaSkank : oh @Crab you're so crazy

@me How dos this skank know he's so crazy?  Stupid YOU DON/T EVEN KNOW HIM

@InstaHoe: @Crab good morning Sweetie

@me:  This Hoe has about one more time to Good Morning Sweetie before I say something

@InstaSkeezer:  You know you are so sexy in hats @Crab can we get more hat pics
@Crab: Thanks love @InstaSkeezer.  If you keep pressing that like button!
@InstaSkeezer: Oh you know that!

@me: Oh yeah?  Really? Really?

There was a time when I would call him up and go bat shit crazy.  Now I suck it up and swallow it. (Typical me huh.  Literally.  I'm so nasty) . I don't do that anymore.  But if he asks what issues I have with it I go on a rant and then say.

But I don't care.  I don't care.  Do you!  Have fun!  I'm real life! I don't care.  I'm not even gonna look anymore.

And I mean it. Until later. And then
I STALK
And he knows I do because one time...
I accidentally liked a picture.
GASP!

Babble

Ok so I think I've come up with one thing that you all don't actually know about me.  And it may be surprising  Or maybe not.  I don't know... Anyway

If I haven't been drinking, people flirting or coming on to me FREAKS ME OUT.  Like I start looking like I'm gonna break off running any second.

Like one day I ran into the grocery store and Crab was waiting in the car.  When I was walking back to the car and old man mumbled to me and I think I started walking all fast and crazy and I guess I got a crazy scared look on my face. When I got to the car...

C: What's the matter with you?  Why do you look all scary?
M: That man just said "Hi Baby to me"
C: So what? What is wrong with you.  Like he's gonna do something...
M: I don't know.. It makes me nervous.

I do this when men are like

"How you doin sweetheart"
(SAY HOW ARE YOU QUICKLY - WALK FAST!)

or

"Good Morning Beautiful"
(PUT HEAD DOWN SAY HI - WALK FAST)

So lately it seems like some dude is trying to initiate conversation on Twitter.  Makes me nervous.  Isn't that what Twitter is for?  NO!  The only People I speak to on Twitter are Freckles, UN, Mo, Noni, Sunshinestar101, Ugly Clean Broke and a few friends from highschool and College.  You see.  I'm not Twitter social.  So then I was like... Maybe he's phising for convo.  Go to his tweets... nope.  I'm the only person he's @ing.  So I'm just gonna ignore him and he'll stop I guess.

Ok so there's my little bit of babble for the day.  I'm gonna see what'll the crew is up to!

Perfection

So Birthday was a success!  It was exactly what I wanted.  Exactly!

It's so frustrating not being able to put my feelings into words.  I feel like no matter what I say no one will ever be able to know how happy I am.  And I KNOW I'm happy because life is ROUGH right now.  And still I'm elated.  Truly warm and fuzzy on the inside.  I say this because I want to tell you all about my night.  But I just don't think I convey it completely.

So I guess my night started around 5 pm.  I put on a pair of leggings, a tank top and a big pink sweatshirt.  This was all planned.  Leggings and warmth was a big part of my plan.  My anemia makes me really cold.  So cold that in the winter I sit in front of the heater before touching Crab because my body is freezing to the touch.  I'm like cuddling a piece of cold raw chicken from the fridge. So I really just wanted my body to be warm.  I had a nice pair of fuzzy socks.  So I go to Crab's and we sit around for a little it bit and then I we ordered the food.  It took about an hour from the time I called the restaurant until the time I got back with the food.



Sooooo... first we watched James Bond Dr. No.

And laughed and talked then we watched North by Northwest with Cary Grant and we ate and drank.  

And boy did we drink!  The two of us killed off a whole bottle of Johnny Walker Double Black!  IT was SO GOOD!

Then we watched season 1 and 2 of The Chappelle Show. And then we watched The Streets is Watching.

And then we did it!  HaHa!  And it was good!  And I was kissing him and looking him in the face and TALKING

Yes Gawd!  I was!  I was TALKING!

And I ended up saying at 7am "I'm going to sleep now."  and at some point hearing "Are you cold" as he put another blanket over me. :) 

So my birthday was perfect. As simple as it sounds, it was just heaven.  And I try to tell him how happy these things make me.  How just completely thrilled I am, and excited to spend every minute I spend with him.  And I don't think he gets it.  Because this is just little little things to him.  He hates it that the money is gone.  That he can't do the things he likes to do with his girlfriend. But I so want him to stop thinking about that.  I want him to be able to enjoy  how happy he makes me without trips and gucci shoes...  I don't even need expensive shoes because I 'm clumsy and trip a lot and scuff and scrape up my shoes terribly!  I'd feel awful ruining a pair of really expensive shoes.

So anyway.  Thanks for reading.

Blah Blah Blah....

I am currently in a period of time that I absolutely hate to not be with Crab.  I hate when I go to see him after work and then I have to leave to go get Mini and go cook.  And while I'm cooking I can't wait until I'm done so that I can take him dinner.  And when I kiss him goodbye to leave after a quick 30 seconds - 2 minutes of time I'm sad.  And all night I miss him.  Every show I watch I feel like he is missing from the other end of the couch when something is funny or shocking or confusing... Movies,

Then I talk to him a couple of times and I wait.  I wait for 8:50 pm when he leaves and talks to me on his way yo the gym.

Have a good workout!  I say and then...

I wait.  I wait for 10:05 for him to talk to me on his way home from the gym.

M: Did you have a good workout?
C: Yeah.  I did mostly my chest
M:  Mmmmm Thank you!
C: laughs

Then we talk a few more times before I go to sleep.  And the next morning if he doesn't call to wake me up I wait until he wakes up to go to the bathroom.

I want to be with him CONSTANTLY....  COOOOOONSTANTLY! This is crazy.  I needed to talk to someone about this.  So I pick up the phone and text

I gotta talk to you about something

Phone Rings

Yup!  Of course I go to him to talk about these strange feelings I'm having

M: I expected you to text me back... Um.... Not call...
C: Whats the matter?
M: Uh... I... uh... nothing... nothing bad.
C: Oh
M: It's just that I always want to be with you.  Like all the time!  I hate to leave you.  I hate it.  And I just miss you so bad all the time.
C: That's weird.  That's not even like you.

(I'm sure you all will think it's like me but I'm a lot more transparent here in blog world.  In real world I can be a little cold.  Not very warm and fuzzy and I'm a loner.  I love to be alone)

C: But it goes in cycles.  Phases.  You will feel  like this for a while and then it won't be as intense for a while and then you'll feel like it again.  Cycles.  You always say things like this when you're on your period.  You won't feel that way when it's over.

M: But my period is over.  It ended yesterday.

C: Really?  Oh.  It's a phase...

M: You think?  I think it's natural progression.

C: Yeah it'll go away in a few days.

I hate that.  When I feel strongly or deeply and I can't seem to convey it to someone.  I guess this is just how it is.  But do you or have you ever felt that there was absolutely nothing you could do or say to convey how deeply you felt for someone?  (sidebar - It's when I type things like this that makes me feel very infantile and immature.  Like, I'm so fascinated by something that others probably see as standard) ANYway...I feel like he will never truly know how much I love him.  Because there doesn't seem to be a way to say it.