Saturday, October 22, 2011

Crab Notes if you will

Ok so recap, catch up cliff notes... no Crab notes.

So when Crab and I first met id just left my husband.  I was sad.  Down in the dumps Sis took me out to The Spot.  Spiffied me all up.  The first time in my life I was ever HOT.  My whole adult life I'd hid behind big clothes etc.  Had no self esteem. 

I'd never had a loving relationship.  I had been with the ex for 9 years.  When I met him I was 23. He was 34.  Pretty much the whole time he never paid attention to me.  Didn't talk to me.  Barely wanted to have sex.  We only went to eat maybe 3 times in 9 years. Movies once.  I can't say I ever had self esteem. I guess that's a big part of nine years and marriage to a person who didn't even care to get to know you.

I've always had self esteem issues.  Never had affection.  I had no idea what love should be like.  My mother was never affectionate and would push away hugs and kisses.  I kind of got it in my head that I wasn't good enough for that.  Why would anyone want to hug me or even worst be hugged by me?

So I marry a man who shows not one ounce of love or even interest in me.  But I was convenient for him.  I paid the bills. I would do anything for him. I just wanted him to love me back.  so he married me after 8 years.

So anyways...
I am part of a fraternal originization.  So is my husband but in seperate lodges.  So I started to hang out with my sisters and brothers more at some point.  I was starting to realize I was pretty (not to sound concieted just bare with me for the sake of understanding the story). And I realized the brothers were into me.  They told me nice things about me.  They said I was smart. They said I was funny.  I liked the attention.  My husband not so much.  He started to get violent with me.  All of this came as a great surprise.  I thought he thought I was invisable. 

So to end that story I never cheated but I had to take my son and leave cause I just couldn't have someone put there hands on me.

So that brings us to about 2-3 months later sitting at the bar.  My friend Sis was kind of dragging me out trying to help me out of things.  But she had a dude meet us at the bar one night.  She was all into him and totally not paying me any mind.  I was sad and the bartender I guess noticed.  He started talking with me. Joking with me.  And eventually I told him what was going on.  He was a cool guy.  He said he would listen more if it was okay to call me after he got off.  We exchanged numbers.  Crab.

So he called.
I was asleep.  We talked the next day.  He listened.  He asked questions. I had NEVER.  You read me? NEVER had any man be so interested in my life. So we talked. It was cool.  I really wasn't interested in him though. I just wasn't thinking of him or any man for that matter. 

So we talked again the next day and I told him I would call him back.  So when I called a girl answered.  She said he wasn't there.  Hung up and a few minutes later she called me back.  I told her if that's her man don't break up with him over me.  We were just friendly and he was helping me get over the divorce. I told her he seemed like a really special person so don't let go of that over me.

About a week later he called.  He explained that he and the girl had been breaking up.  She took his phone he apologized for her calling and that was that. We went out for drinks and that is how we started. We decided not to have sex because we felt we would be really good together in a relationship.  So the deal was


We would work on building a solid foundation of friendship.  He said that he honestly was still getting over "OlGirl" and wasn't ready to jump in. I felt I needed to date around because I had never really dated. I felt that was something I needed to experience. 
So he would come over. We'd fool around a little.  I would go on dates and tell him everything and he would guide me through it.  Helping me weed people out etc.  We made a pact to always be honest and never lie to each other.  And we kept that pact to this day (as far as I know)

So then we get to Mr. Dangerous aka MD.  Y'all remember him?  Oh lord.  Sigh....

He was a brother from my lodge.  I never liked him.  He was a man whore.  He was reckless with his mouth and would say anything and would be so disrespectful after a couple of drinks.  I ran into him at The Spot.  Crab had seen me talking to him. He said something that didn't like and I got angry and was telling him about himself.  I was with PIC (that's my best friend).  MD. Told me he wanted to talk to PIC and asked if he could call me the next day.

So MD calls and says he really just wanted me and knew I wouldn't have given him my number if he told me that. I told him I really didn't like him and had absolutely no interest in him like that.  He said he wanted to change my mind and at least let him cook me dinner or something.

I did.

I don't know how but

I fucked him

It was only a few pumps when I freaked and took off.

Then I went back for more.  Again and again and again.  It was sooooooo good.  The best sex I've ever had.  Crab was so mad.  He says it was because MD was a brother and the lodge was already thinking badly about me.  Also MD had a girlfriend.  Long story short I stopped with MD but quiet as kept only because I hated the way it was affecting me and Crab.

So I stopped fucking MD and stopped dating.

Crab and I really started exploring things sexually and we really enjoy each other. I think we all know about that.  If not read back.  Oh. And I'm extremely gifted.  Like an Olympian in the area of giving oral sex.  And I LOVE IT!  So we do it A LOT. So much that today he tapped out.  He couldn't take anymore!

Every now and then I've talked to Crab about me dating again because I wanted someone to hangout and watch tv with and all that stuff. Sometimes our relationship felt lonely.  He came to a point where he didn't want me dating.  Well that's not exactly how he put it. He really said he wasn't going to sit around while I dated and found a boyfriend. So if I dated we couldn't even be friends.  I could never imagine that.  He was my everyday.  He was my security.  And so I would always choose him and this friendship we have.

October 29th will be 2yrs since our first date.

Soooooo...... now Crab and I are doing these things and I'M FREAKIN OUT.  we hang out. I lay on the bed which I refused to do before.  I stay.  I don't suck his dick then jump up and say "alright by!" Like I used to.  I have a problem giving and receiving affection but we are slowly incorporating affection and intimacy in (see Spooning, Perfection, and Am I becoming dare I say it.... normal) and its freaking me out.  I replaced it with crazy jealousy.  I'm trying to cut that out as quickly as it started.


  1. Uh, why you had to put me on blast like that? LOL But thanks for the clarification hun!

    And let me just say, damn that's quite a story sis! I had no idea you had gone through all that. I knew bits and pieces and I think I started reading your blog right around the time you and MD were pretty hot and heavy.

    Let me ask the 50 million dollar question: what's next and what do you want next?

    If I've learned anything from my past and current situation, when feelings creep up and you guys start to be comfortable, it's time to think about what you want. Remember, you've gone through some stuff so there is still some healing that needs to occur.

    With that said, how were things over the weekend?

  2. I completely agree with Monique but I have an extra question, Do you ever feel like you're settling for half the package?

  3. Whew. What's next...? What do I want. I think I still need to work on comfort. And affection. I reverted back to laying on the floor. I have issues. He's helping but I need to do better too. I still choose not to be close to him. I'm scared of touching him. He used some new exfoliante on his hands yesterday and asked me to feel them and I freaked. I couldn't touch his hands. I totally copped an attitude and walked away. So I have a lot of work to do on myself.

    What do I want? That's simple. Forever. I want forever.

    Settling for half. I've never n
    Known whole. He is as whole as I've ever gotten. He's my best friend. He's is supportive emotionally financialy. We can talk about anything and everything. He's fun. He gives me so much. I always tell him how he's the best boyfriend I never had because its true. He treats me better than any man I've ever dealt with. He makes me so happy that sometimes the thought of him makes my eyes get teary. I love him with every peice of me in the best way I know how. So I don't really think of it as settling because I get a lot. And honestly whatever it is that is whole scares the hell out of me. What is whole? Don't even know what whole is? That's kind of sad huh?

  4. Not sad at all. It is what is dear :) as long as you wake up every day and know you're where you want to be that it all that matters. He doesn't hurt you so it must be alright.

  5. No not me and crab being sad. That's happy! Not knowing what whole is. That's sad.