Monday, October 3, 2011


Well.  Since I've been gone...

I feel closer to Crab than ever.  I am slowly opening up.  Its hard.  The other night I laid with him (which is something I've never done). It was nice after I relaxed.  I kept getting scared and id start to get up.  Then he'd ask if I was okay and id lay back down.  As I laid there I kept saying to myself, "its Crab... its okay. He's your best friend. Its okay. Relax. What are you scared of?"

I really liked it. His skin on my cheek, his arm around me.  I hope we can do it more often.  I liked holding him. And being held.  There were moments when I felt so safe.  And get this... I was completely sober! I usually drink in an effort to let go and not be afraid to feel.  But its never actually worked.  Who would have thought that the time I would allow myself to feel would be completely alcohol free? I think he liked it too.  Things just feel different. Nice.. you know...

So my birthday is Friday. I have no idea what I will do. I was supposed to hang with these dudes from my building Slim and Suspect but I don't think I will cuz they want to go somewhere I have no interest in.  Well Suspect does at least and he has a bit of an overwhelming personality. Besides hanging out with a gang of dudes might not be a good look.

I'm pretty happy right now! I'm so glad to come back in a positive way. Anyways. I'll get back at you all mañana!

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