I don't understand what I'm feeling right now. I kind of feel like I'm in the twilight zone. A good one though. Not a creepy one.
Let's start with the touching. I actually did it. Granted he doesn't remember it b/c of the wine. But I remember it so clearly. He was sitting in the chair and I was kneeling infront between his legs. He leaned forward and I laid my face on his chest. He rested his chin on the top of my head. His chest felt nice against my cheek. He didn't feel well. I knew he must have felt that spinning room feeling so I held on. He held back. I knew it might help him feel grounded. He was breathing slowly and I was breathing with him. And I rubbed his back slowly. Every now and then kissing his neck. And there was nothing awkard about it for me. Nothing. At no point did I want to pull away. At no point did I worry and think he wanted me to stop. This is the first time I've hugged him in over a year. And I was sober. And it was ok. Meaning I didn't freak out. But being close to him was more than okay... it was... I don't know to explain it without sounding corny or cliche. I don't want to cheapen it by not having the perfect word to describe it. So I'll just leave it at that.
I think I'm learning a healthy love. Not just loving somebody just because. And not giving giving giving love for naught. It feels like give and take. I give him love and support and encouragement because I feel he deserves it and he gives it back.
Here is something else that seems so small but to me it speaks volumes... while we were watching the movie Friday night I fell asleep. Repeatedly. That is huge. For me to feel at ease enough to fall asleep. That is rare granted I never fell into a deep sleep and freaked at 5:40 and took off... ok maybe I haven't really won that war yet. Maybe I just won the battle. Or a fight... I did fall asleep again. On his bed which I rarely will lay on. I climbed up on the bed and took a nap yesterday. So you know what... yeah I'm gonna give myself credit. I'm becoming normal. Even as I lay here about to close the phone and nod off, part of me wishes I was laying with him.
Ok. So this whole post has sent me into freak out mode. But there's nowhere to run when you want to run from yourself.