So after responding to Nony and Monique I called Crab.Writing a response to their comments made me have a flash back of my freakout over touching his hands. I could see the look on his face in my mind. He was so confused. He said it a couple of times "Just touch them." I was stuttering. Trying the squeeze past him. Just trying to get away.
So I figured I should tell him what really happened. I called him. I told him him that it was too much for me. He said he was thinking it was weird. He hadn't understood why I was acting like that. He didn't realize. I told him it was like being scared to bungee jump and all the sudden finding yourself on the edge of a cliff. I told him its crippling. How could any normal person be in a relationship with me and be happy. He agreed. It isn't possible. People need affection. I told him I was trying but its too hard to fix on my own. He agreed that the severity of my issues need counseling.
I said don't you realize how far away from you stay. He seemed defensive and said "I don't try and make you touch me". And I said "no I'm not saying you pressure me. I'm saying it should even be an issue with you." He agreed.
I also said that I replaced giving affection with other things. Like I feed him. I am constantly feeding him. Or running errands. I had been confused thinking did I never really love anyone. Was it all fake? He said no. It was just my way of loving. But its still an issue.
In my head I touch him. I hug him. I kiss him. In my head.