Touchy

So after responding to Nony and Monique I called Crab.Writing a response to their comments made me have a flash back of my freakout over touching his hands.  I could see the look on his face in my mind.  He was so confused.  He said it a couple of times "Just touch them." I was stuttering. Trying the squeeze past him. Just trying to get away. 

So I figured I should tell him what really happened.  I called him.  I told him him that it was too much for me.  He said he was thinking it was weird. He hadn't  understood why I was acting like that.  He didn't realize. I told him it was like being scared to bungee jump and all the sudden finding yourself on the edge of a cliff.  I told him its crippling.  How could any normal person be in a relationship with me and be happy.  He agreed.  It isn't possible. People need affection.  I told him I was trying but its too hard to fix on my own.  He agreed that the severity of my issues need counseling.

I said don't you realize how far away from you stay.  He seemed defensive and said "I don't try and make you touch me".  And I said "no I'm not saying you pressure me.  I'm saying it should even be an issue with you." He agreed. 

I also said that I replaced giving affection with other things.  Like I feed him.  I am constantly feeding him.  Or running errands. I had been confused thinking did I never really love anyone.  Was it all fake?  He said no.  It was just my way of loving. But its still an issue.

In my head I touch him.  I hug him.  I kiss him.  In my head.