I'm such a goddamn mental case! I think I just may be a lost cause. I just figured something out about my behavior and I'm super disapponted now.
One step forward two steps back. I'm a fucking scaredy cat and I let fear cripple me. I am so disappointed in myself.
So. This afternoon I knew he was still asleep. But instead of just texting him good morning/afternoon I text
What are you doing? Tell whatever bitch you brought home she's gotta go.
And I know that he usually wakes up, grabs his phone and calls me. He really doesn't like waking up to these kinds of messages.
I've been doing this a lot lately. A LOT. Yesterday I told him that I decided he's been going to a different bar to throw me off from finding about someone at The Spot. This is out of no where.
Then today when he woke up he called. I knew he'd be annoyed. I tried to be nonchalant about it
M: hello
C: what was that text about.
M: I don't know. Nothing...
C: I went to the bar. It was dead. I ate. I came home. I read and went to sleep. So I don't know what your talkin...
* I interupt*
M: wow you studied last night? Wow. That's good!
C: I'm going to go eat. Ill call you later.
A couple of minutes later I realize what I've been really doing.
I let one guard down by spending quality time. Touching him. Allowing myself to feel other feelings for him. Then...
Bam! I put a new one up. I realized that if I make up all these "he's seeing someone else" stories and convince myself of this it will hurt less when it happens. So whatever progress I thought I'd made is completely null and void because I replaced it with another even more FUCKED UP behavior.
I
Am
Fucked
Up
I called and apologized for the shit I've been pulling lately.
He said "its ok. Ill call you later"
I feel like... STOP TRYING. JUST BE WHO YOU ARE. YOU ARE AN EMOTIONAL INVALID. ACCEPT IT.
But there's gotta be a way to change right? People change. I've seen it on T.V.
*scratching my head*
ReplyDeleteOk, I need a refresher on the state of affairs with Crab. So is the situation that you want to be with him, fully committed, yet he doesn't? So instead you agree to having him somewhat even though that's not necessarily what you want, but you accept it?
PS: I'm not judging, i'm just trying to remember what you said the deal was with you guys because I'm too lazy to go back through your posts. LOL Plus it seems like something has changed along the way.
Nope. Lol. I'll write a cliff note when I get to where I'm going. (Crab's)
ReplyDeleteI don't know what I want. Because I feel like he's my boyfriend. But he isn't. But everything leads to that. But there were certain gaps. So that's why I would tell him I wanted to date. Because I wanted to fill in the gaps. But now he's filling the gaps in. I have fear of affectfion intimacy commitment. All of that. So its becoming very scary.
ReplyDeleteBut I've always been the one to say to him, we aren't going to be togther. He just felt like it wasn't the right time. He'd lost his contract. Money was terrible. He had to save his house his car. He said he couldn't be a boyfriend. He needed to focus on pulling his life back together (he is a computer contracter. He used to just bartend on weekends.) So things are still in limbo. Things are... slowly getting better for him. So that is his reasoning for it.
Honestly... I don't want to type this but the reason I say we won't ever be together is because
I don't feel good enough so I say that to avoid the disappointment of rejection.