I'm such a goddamn mental case! I think I just may be a lost cause. I just figured something out about my behavior and I'm super disapponted now.
One step forward two steps back. I'm a fucking scaredy cat and I let fear cripple me. I am so disappointed in myself.
So. This afternoon I knew he was still asleep. But instead of just texting him good morning/afternoon I text
What are you doing? Tell whatever bitch you brought home she's gotta go.
And I know that he usually wakes up, grabs his phone and calls me. He really doesn't like waking up to these kinds of messages.
I've been doing this a lot lately. A LOT. Yesterday I told him that I decided he's been going to a different bar to throw me off from finding about someone at The Spot. This is out of no where.
Then today when he woke up he called. I knew he'd be annoyed. I tried to be nonchalant about it
C: what was that text about.
M: I don't know. Nothing...
C: I went to the bar. It was dead. I ate. I came home. I read and went to sleep. So I don't know what your talkin...
* I interupt*
M: wow you studied last night? Wow. That's good!
C: I'm going to go eat. Ill call you later.
A couple of minutes later I realize what I've been really doing.
I let one guard down by spending quality time. Touching him. Allowing myself to feel other feelings for him. Then...
Bam! I put a new one up. I realized that if I make up all these "he's seeing someone else" stories and convince myself of this it will hurt less when it happens. So whatever progress I thought I'd made is completely null and void because I replaced it with another even more FUCKED UP behavior.
I called and apologized for the shit I've been pulling lately.
He said "its ok. Ill call you later"
I feel like... STOP TRYING. JUST BE WHO YOU ARE. YOU ARE AN EMOTIONAL INVALID. ACCEPT IT.
But there's gotta be a way to change right? People change. I've seen it on T.V.