Sigh...

Well... I'm sad and I'm going to sleep.  I went out tonight.  I had plenty of drinks bought.  And at the end.  All I wanted was Crab.  And at the end when I say...
"Your going out tomorrow. Don't go to the after hours.  Just be with me tonight" I get
"Come one Diana.  Please don't start."

Why does it annoy him when I say I want to see him? What's worst? Someone wanting you?  Or someone not wanting you? 

Hopefully for his sake he'll never have to feel what it feels like not to be wanted.

New Year, Same Story

Welp. Surprise surprise.  Remember that NYE party Crab said he'd probably go to with me...? Yeah you know what I'm about to say.

Oh well.  Alone again. 

I don't know why it bothers me.  I've never NOT been alone.  Even when my husband and I were togther. 

But...

Hard things don't get easier the more you do them.  They don't hurt less.  You just learn not to cry.

Blahsey blah blah....

I told Crab the comments Laki and Mo had. He said it always surprises him because he doesn't look at himself as particulary good looking. He thinks I always say how sexy he is because I love him and that's why I find him so attractive.  I told him that at first I just saw him as perfect. It was an infatuation. But now Im kind of playing around when I talk about his looks because he's just him to me. A nice looking package, but the real goods are on the inside.  But anyway I told him how I'm taking the picture down eventually and he seemed to not want me to.  (Crab likes to post pictures of himself. He constantly puts new pics up on FB and I swear he sounds sad if he doesn't get a lot of likes. *giggles*.)  Anyway, he says
"Well there's no need to take it down.  I mean... my face is covered. Its no big deal. You don't have to take it down". So we will leave it cause he likes it being there.

Um.... so we had our pre admin tests for the surgery.  13 days to go.  Excited!

So in other news...  Crabs ex wife according to him is rude and mean to any of his girlfriends.  Well go back go back...
You all know Crab and my relationship status but his daughters are none the wiser.  Because well obviously (in my Billy Sorrells Peaches voice) he isn't gonna explain it to them.  They see me as his girlfriend because that is pretty much what I've been the past few years in their eyes. Anytime they've introduced me to their friends it has been "this is my dad's girlfriend Diana".  So anyway I had no idea his ex wife even knew I existed.  So last night I was on the phone with his daughter Flip. She was telling me how much she loved the stuff I bought for the baby and I had gotten her some Betsey Johnson slippers and she just loved them.  She said that her mother was like

E: Diana is the Bomb.com!  She is so sweet!
F: I know! That's what I have her saved in my phone as. Diana So Sweet!

Anyways. She said her mom said it makes her feel more comfortable knowing I'm there when she isn't to help Flip with the motherhood transition.

This meant so much to me.  I feel like it is really special when the Ex likes you especially one that never likes anyone.  And then for her to want me to be a part of something as special as the new baby! 

My brother will be here in about a week!  It great because I haven't seen him in about 5 years.  He's coming to help me after the surgery.

Sadness

Well I've been crying off and on since like 3:30

So today I was talking to Crab about the ex boyfriend of an aquantance of mine Angel.  Her ex Nude Mike is having a really hard time with the breakup.  Its been months but he is crushed.  He tweets about it every day.Lately they seem to be reconciling.  When the breakup first happened I had told Crab about it and he really felt bad for Nude Mike.  Crab is very sensitive to love and feelings and he really hated how hurt Nude Mike was behind the breakup.  So I was telling Crab how I suggested blogging to NM.  I even let him read some of this blog.

Anyways I was telling Crab how hard NM loves.  NM loves Angel truely madly deeply.  He can't get enough of her.  He breathes her.  I told him today that kind of love may be a lot of pressure on a person.  Crab agreed that it might be a lot of pressure to be someones everything.  I told Crab I wanted someone to love me like that.  He was like

C: You would want that?
M: Yeah.  I never had someone love me.
C: I love you
M: I know you love me. I mean...
C: I know what you mean.
M: anyway you know I don't like talking about it. It makes me sad.
C: why does it make you so sad?
M: you know what I'm gonna do?  I'm gonna go see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Remember iwhen I was reading the book.

I usually cut that convo short.  You guys know how badly it depresses me.  But I guess it was long enough to get to me today because now I keep crying.  My cheeks are raw from the tears.  I must have acid tears today.  I hate to think about it.why I haven't been loved. Convincing myself that its possible.

Inside

The core of me believes I was put here to love but never to be love.  That loving me, being in love with me is not possible.  And if I want to be happy I have to accept that.  But it makes me sad to think that its true.  But I believe its true.  Not my mind.  My mind knows that's crazy talk.  But the part of me that is who I am, the soul of me I guess believes this to be true. And it hurts.  Sometimes physically like an ache in my chest.  It put me into this terrible place of melancholy.

Last Night's Crab Kicking Coincidences

Sometimes men at The Spot try and get with your girl Diana, and to do it, some of them try to kick Crab's back in.  I mean it is known and unknown that I am his, you know.  We front like we aren't messing around but in the end the deal is known.  So here's the thing.  If you hang with Crab and laugh with Crab and shake hands with Crab and then you talk bad about Crab to me to try to get me...

I'M TELLING...!!!  EEEEEEEWWWWW.... I'M TELLING!  

What makes you think that if I've been messing with this man for damn near 3 years I'm gonna let you talk shit about him and not tell him?  A couple of people have learned the hard way.

Incident 1

Y'all remember Sponsor? He was all "I think your relationship with Crab is one sided.  You should see how many women he talks to."  Now I always see Crab talking to the ladies.  No biggie. (this was before I was the jealous monster that I can be nowadays) 

So I already knew he was scared of Crab.  Crab is big muscle wise so he can look intimidating.  Here he is with his face blocked out to protect the innocent (he's a little bigger now. Pic for a limited time.  I'mma take it off eventually)

But Sponsor used to always text me that he was at The Spot that Crab was looking at him.  And I'd be like "Is he trying to intimidate you?"  then he'd get macho and be like "I don't let any man intimidate me.... blah blah blah."  Mind you, Crab had no problem with Sponsor.  He didn't even know that I spoke to Sponsor like that.  Sponsor was just nervous as hell cause he knew what he was trying to do.  

So I don't know how or when but I told Crab.  Sponsor said Blah blah blah.  Crab was mad!  He said he broke guy code and if he wanted me he should get me on his own without talking bad about Crab and that sponsor didn't know how serious me and Crab could have been and what if we were engaged and he messed up our relationship...  So from then on Crab just dead stopped talking to Sponser.  Not a hello what's up nothing. And I told Sponsor straight up... I told Crab what you said. 

Incident 2

Another dude that laughs and jokes and would hang with Crab at The Spot OC (stands for Over Confident).  Well OC one night was talking and flirting with me.  Mind you, the first time I'd met him was when he was with a chick I knew Vendy.  Vendy had come to celebrate my birthday at The Spot last year.  OC and Vendy were hugged up and touching and kissy and shit.  Well then after that I'd see OC on a regular basis there.  One night he was with his boss, Cub and he introduced me to him. 

So anyway I was there alone.  I don't know if Crab was there or not but sometimes I would go dolo.  So OC sits next to me.  He buys me a drink.  No biggie cause guys there always buy me drinks.  Then he says dun Dun Duuuuuun

"I know you mess with that Al B. Sure looking Nigga.  I can't stand him"

And I'm like 

"I don't think you really even know him not to like him.  You know you done fucked up right?  You know that right?" (Menace to Society)  and I turn my back to him.

Oh Oh Oh!  Crab wasn't there that night.  Cause as soon as I got home I was all bing bing bing (that's me dialing the phone) 

"Yooooooooo!   You know what the NWord OC said...?!?!?!"

From then on when OC would try and talk to Crab , Crab would just ig him.  He tried to give Crab dap Crab gave him him elbow and not his hand.  One day OC said to Crab "Yo we cool?"  And Crab was like "I thought we were" 

So last Night me and Sis went to the bar/strip club The Wood and I saw Cub.  So he was like 

Cub: Hey how are you? Where do I know you from

M: The Spot.  You're OC's boss right?

Cub: Yeah.  You have a great memory.  How's he doing?

(This is when that hood side of me popped out.  I get nasty for no good reason sometimes)

M: How the fuck should I know.  Aren't you his boss?  Don't YOU see him everyday?"

Cub:  I thought you know you see him at the Spot...

M: That's all.  I know him from there.  That's it.  You work with him.

Then I leave and who is getting into his car right in front of mine?  Sponsor!  So he says

S: Hey.  How's Crab

M: HE'S GREAT!

S: You know he still won't talk to me cause of you.

M: He probably never will! Take care (I get in the car)

I get home.  Bing Bing Bing (that's me dialing)  So I tell Crab the whole thing and he was like 

"Yo he's lucky I didn't beat his ass!  You should have said..."

And then he went on the long rant of this I should have said, things I would have never in a million trillion years have thought of on my own or will I even remember to say ever, and what he's gonna say when he sees him.

Quickie

Well Well Well.  Not much to say.  I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas.  As usual I invited Crab to join us for Christmas dinner and as usual he didn't no biggie.  I've never had a man at a holiday dinner anyway.  not even my husband. My step-sisters were all "No more plates for him!  Next time he needs to come."  They need to chill on being so vocal though... My family doesn't get down like that.  We keep our opinions to ourselves.  

Blending families is hard.  Especially when everyone is GROWN and set in their.  Sometimes I like them and Sometimes I don't. 

Homeboy is still frontin'.  I quit. I'm losing interest fast. 

For now....

Just so you know...

I sent a text last night
I just wanted you to know I miss you

I got a text back
Show me


Can you all guess who?