Strange Love

Just sitting here thinking about the hazy part of a relationship after a negative occurance. For me it's always been catching someone cheating. Well I've found this part of returning to normalcy where there is this strange love. When you've decided you are going to stay. I've always experienced this kind of fight or flight reaction of love for that person. I guess that is my internal fight response. I LOVE. You cheat on me, after the tears and anger, if I'm staying I feel this strange love. I can't equate it to anything other than being in a thick fog that I can only see a couple of feet in front of me. I feel this intense love but I feel alone and confused at the same time. It's odd and I can't say there is any other situation or instance I can equate it to. But I feel this need to love this person. For them to feel my love. Desperately. Have any of you ever had this?

Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey all! I'm here. Those on Twitter know that I am still alive and kicking. Just extra tired these day because of my schedule. The new job is great! I really like it. I was really excited to be in a building that had other POC there, but these bitches are nasty and won't even smile back if I say hello. They are all so far up the security guard's ass and seem to get aggy when he speaks to me. He is not even my speed! (OMG that is such Crab Vernacular) But still... He's not my speed so they needn't worry 'bout little ol me. I'm happily taken but not taken but taken. They give me the stank face when he says hi when I walk by their little Thirsty Bitch Club lunch table but I'm walking to sit by myself and talk to my dude while I eat lunch. Dummies.

Yeah update on that. I'm Good. I'm with Crab. Regardless of title's. That's my dude and that's that. No more back and forth and maybe I should or blah blah blah. I realize I'm happiest when I'm not trying to figure out why when who where. I'm happiest when I love him the way I want to and don't worry about anything other than the love I give and the love I receive from him. He loves me and I feel it. Never felt it before in my entire life. At least not consistently so. I like it!

I've missed you all so much and must spend my day catching up on what's going on in the lives on my blog besties. So hopefully I get a whole lot of commenting in somewhere today!

You know what?

On second thought...  I'm feeling the whole Nostalgia Ultra Mixtape.  I love it when I hear an artist that I can connect to the words on a deeper level.  Like that first meeting spark when you think like "I can get this person, and I think they can get me."  That's how his music makes me feel.  Like we could hang out.  But I think he'd totally make me a slacker.  Like we'd spend too much time drinking beer and smoking for me to handle my business.

 

You know.  I was that girl once you know.  I was the girl all other girls didn't like.  A little bit tomboyish and no one can figure out if I'm a peice of trash screwing all the guys I hang with or if I'm just a reject to normal standards of female soialization.  And I was just a reject.  I had girl friends.  But I preferred guys.  It was just easier.  I didn't feel pretty.  So when you hang with all guys you don't have to be pretty cause chances are you are the prettiest anyway by default.  And then when you hang with guys who are like slackers there's no pressure.  Life is just life.  Nobody's is trying to get ahead or be better.  We're all just trying to get nice...  That part of my life was good.  Until I realized I'd fucked up pretty bad being a slacker and then I snapped out of it.  But by then I'd failed out of school and had to get a job at Sears.  Thus began the struggle to right my wrongs.

 

A story for another day....

Love me numb

On another note..

 

Loving this Frank Ocean joint!

 

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Another gem from MzP

 

So another MzP story. 

 

MP - There's this guy who is always walking by when I'm coming home from work.  So today when I was walking in he noticed I didn't look too good so he asked if I was ok and I told him I didn't feel well and I had a really bad cold.  So he asked if he could bring me some soup.  I was like no thanks I'm good.  But he kept insisting so I said ok.  I went upstairs and I changed into boxers and a t-shirt and totally forgot about it.  Then there was a knock at the door and it was him.  So I let him in and went back into my bedroom and he followed me in and laid down on the bed with me.  So we're just laying there and GURL don't you know this Nword tried to touch my titties! Yes girl I told him to get out.  I mean really.  OMG.

 

I'm all - "Whuuuuuuuut?!?!?"

 

MP - Yes girl.  And you know how he said he was gonna bring me soup?

 

Me - Uh huh...

 

MP - Girl he brought me a cup o'noodles!

 

BLANK STARE

 

Now with my Internal Commentary

 

MP - There's this guy who is always walking by when I'm coming home from work.  So today when I was walking in he noticed I didn't look too good so he asked if I was ok and I told him I didn't feel well and I had a really bad cold.  So he asked if he could bring me some soup.  I was like no thanks I'm good.  But he kept insisting so I said ok. (Why you taking food from strangers?  You don't know dude)  I went upstairs and I changed into boxers and a t-shirt and totally forgot about it.  Then there was a knock at the door and it was him.  So I let him in (Seriously you letting dudes literally off the street into your home?) and went back into my bedroom (Bitch you got a living room!  Why did you go into the bedroom with a random stranger?) and he followed me in and laid down on the bed with me (NO COMMENT!) .  So we're just laying there and GURL don't you know this Nword tried to tuch my titties! Yes girl I told him to get out.  I mean really.  OMG.

 

I'm all - "Whuuuuuuuut?!?!?" (Fake emotional response.  At his point the fukery is beyond reasonable comprehension)

 

MP - Yes girl.  And you know how he said he was gonna bring me soup?

 

Me - Uh huh...

 

MP - Girl he brought me a cup o'noodles! (That's what the fuck you, get you donkey!)

 

Who does that?

So DB's in a good place right now.  Yaaaaaaaaay.

So everyday I tell Crab about my friend. He thinks I should tell y'all about her. I don't even know what to call her. The first thing that comes to mind (and the only thing) is FuckUp. She is just constantly fucking up.  But we will call her MzP short for Miss Piggy (nickname courtesy of Crab) she has been fired time and time and time... um and time again.  She has three kids none of whom live with her.  Ever.  Like, the kids say they want to live with her and then they move in for a month or two and then they go back to the grandmother or whoever they were with because the situation is always fucked up.

The strange thing is she doesn't see the absolute fuckedupedness of her life.  To her its normal for something to always be turned off. Or to meet men in stupid situations or deal with losers.  For instance she is on the later end of her thirties and she recently said to me about a dude she was dating

"He has his own place". I was like HE'S SUPPOSED TO. THAT IS NOT A POSITIVE. THAT IS LIKE A NON CREDIT COURSE.  You gotta take it to satisfy requirements but your not gonna earn any credits towards your degree.  If he is almost 40, or above it, an apartment is standard!

Well her newest thing lately is running out of gas on her way home from work. She does this a few times a week.  A few weeks ago she calls me from work saying how she doesn't know how she's gonna get home blah blah blah... now shed just started this running out of gas shit so I immediately drove a half hour to her job to give her some money for gas.  Then it became habitual.  She calls me everyday at around 6 and it became a reoccuring convo.

Omg I have 0 miles to go.
Me - How far are you? 
About 13 miles. I better pull over and call ~insert random dude's name~ and have him bring me some gas.

So this happens often.  So today she calls and im almost home and she's having random convo then she's all

Girl I got 0 miles. You might have to come out here on 22. 

I was all... uh uh. I dont have any money.

So she's like That's ok I'll leave my car here you can just come get me.

I was like uh uh.... I can't ride out the rest of my gas for the week coming to get you. Why the fuck do you keep doing this? Why don't you ask one of your dudes for money the night before. This is fucking ridiculous. I gotta budget my gas and if I need money I get it before there is a problem.  Not just run out of gas.  Like the only reason you should run out is if the gauge doesn't work and you had no idea.

I think she was mad.  I told her to call me when she got home.

You best believe this bitch keeps some good quality hair tho.  She ain't got no gas but she got weave stock piled.

I'm here

I've stayed away cause I was getting sick of my self. Constantly complaining.  I was all STFU to me.

But things are looking up.  Communication is key.  More soon. 

Quickie

Resisting possibilities gets disappointing.  Nights are getting longer.  The silence is becoming deafening.  Minutes are like hours when your waiting on someone who is not coming.

I'm want to be ready for a breakthrough. But I'm just not yet. But something is on the horizon.  I can barely see it, but I know its there.