I think I'm ready to say "Fine.  See other people if you like", because I'm not going to say that I won't this time.  Things changed DRASTICALLY when I had to write about the truth.  So if that's what he wants, to see other people too, so be it.  I can't argue about it anymore.

Good Fella

Well... I'm getting to know Homeboy a lot better lately.  He's really starting to be dare I say it... consistent!  I've learned something about him...

He's a a genuinely Nice Guy.  You know?  Really sweet.  Really caring. 

He's starting to make plans.  We're going sneaker shopping for the boys Saturday.  He's making plans for us for future things.  He wants me to come to this job function with him.  I like that.  I've always wanted a man to come to work functions with me so for someone to ask me to go with them means a lot to me.  His dad is in politics and just got a new appointment in the state's sports and gaming commission so he got season tickets for next season's Giants and Jets games and comp rooms in Atlantic City. So he suggested we go to AC overnight.  I'm born and raised in Jersey and have never been to AC.  And quiet as kept I always wanted to go with a guy so I never went. So the idea of going with him is exciting!

And I don't think he means to be inconsistent. I think he's just a young single father that is kind of in the same boat as a lot of single mothers as far as time and energy is concerned.

I'm back... he just called

Its confirmed. Homeboy is Mr. Nice Guy.  I guess I never got to know him that well before.  But I'm getting to know him now and he's that type of guy you say you want but then go for the bad boy instead.

I've had enough with bad boys.

Day 2 - Words

Convo With Sweetie - Deja Vu

S: So what's up miss lady?  How's Crab?
M: Oh my god Sweetie.  I was bawling at work today.  Just bawling!
S: What happened?!?!?!

I told the whole story

M: It was terrible.  I was so upset.  He was upset...
S: So basically um the same thing you always argue about?
M: Uh... (lightbulb) Yeah!  Yeah.  Same thing...

By the way.  Same outcome as always to.  Just pretend like it never happened.  We had breakfast and naughty time before I went to work today.

Day 1 - My View Today

Tippity Tap Tap Tap Challaaaaaange...

Yall remember that Cosby episode at the tap dance school with Sandman from the Apollo?   Tippity Tap Tap Tap...Challaaaange!

Because I'm Sick of myself.  JUST SICK OF ME, I'm going to do this photo a day challenge.  This way I have something else to talk about other than my dysfunctionalism (I believe I made that word up according to Microsoft Word, **sips Martini while looking over the top of reading glasses**).  Homeboy suggested I take a break from blogging.   I think I just need a break from whining and complaining.  So  I saw Gorgeous Pudding is doing it so I'm gonna do it too!

EX-FACTOR - It could all be so simple

How did I end up here...  I was so proud of the fact that this "friendship" works out so nicely...

Last night I dropped dinner off to Crab at 8:00.  I left. I figured he ate and went to sleep because he sleeps.  That's what Crab does.  Sleeps.  I wake him up a lot.  But his back was hurting yesterday really bad.  So bad that I stopped by to give him a massage on my way home from work.  I gave him Tylenol and then came back later and brought him dinner.  I figured he would just be asleep.  **shrug**.  Homeboy called around 10:30.  This is the time I'd usually call Crab and say goodnight.  So me and Homeboy talked until 12:00.
THIS IS WHERE I MESSED UP
When I got off the phone with him I called Crab.  I asked if he was sleeping.  He said no.  Then he's like "Why are you just now calling me?  I figured you were sleeping.  Why are you up so late?"  So I was like "I thought you were sleeping so I didn't call"  He was like "You were on the phone running your mouth all night?" so I was like "Uh huh. But I'm about to go to sleep though so I'll talk to you in the morning?"  Five minutes later he calls back.

C: Who were you on the phone with?
Me: Homeboy
C: That's all I wanted to know.
Hangs up

6:30 this morning he calls and I say

M: Why are you awake?
C: I never went to sleep.  You're not on the road yet?
M: No
C: Why not?
M: Because I didn't do the dishes last night and I wanted to do them before I left.
C:  You should have gotten yourself ready last night...
M: I'll call you from the car.

The rest I will proceed with bullet points because it's all so jumbled up in my head

• I should not be surprised if the shoe is on the other foot.
• He's been bothered by this for a while
• I'm bullshitting him
• I'm telling him I'm not bullshitting him
• He wants me to tell him my intentions with Homeboy
• I'm telling him I have no specific intentions
• I can't stay like this forever though Crab.
• He's told me numerous times that he does not want to be around while I date people
• I know this
• I'm saying it's not even that serious
• He's getting mad because he says I keep lying
• He cant trust me anymore
• He's not comfortable in this
• It's not fair
• I refuse to tell the truth
• I'm trying to secure something before I move on.
• I'm being manipulative
• I can do what I want it's the fact that I'm lying that's the problem
• WHAT ARE MY INTENTIONS

This conversation carries through to my desk for 45 minutes.  

WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS?

I don't have any

WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS?

I really don't have any

WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS?

If I had intentions I could get disappointed.

WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS?

I don't have any.  It is what it is..

WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS? I'M HANGING UP.  CALL ME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE AN ANSWER.

But I'm not going to have the right answer.  You already made a decision about what the answer is. You want me to tell you something that isn't true.  You won't be happy until I tell you I intend for him and me to be together.  And I'm not gonna say that because it's not true.

CALL ME BACK WHEN YOU'RE READY TO ANSWER THE QUESTION

But I can't even think of anything else to say because I said the truuuuuth.

THEN YOU KNOW WHAT... I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

So are you telling me not to call you

YEAH BECAUSE IT WON'T BE RIGHT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.  SO DON'T CALL ME.  I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I'M READY

We hang up but i'm having a hard time working so I DM'd him "I can't concentrate" He calls back tells me I have to get my work.  He asked if I ate something.  I said yes.  He said good.

Eventually i'm crying telling him

I just want you to understand me.  My intentions are to have something normal.  Not specifically with him.  With Anyone.  I just want something regular. But I can't do this again (he asks... Do what?) THIS.  THIS.  What we are doing.  What I always end up doing.  I want regular.  And I don't want this again.

C: No one's twisting your arm

I'm not saying that!  I want to be here! But I don't want to do this AGAIN.

C: Why are you crying like this?  I don't want you like this at work.  That is not why I called.  You need to pull yourself together.  I feel bad.  I was calling to help.

I'm crying because I don't want you making decisions for me.  You're going to make the decision for me and I don't want that.

C: You need something  normal.  You are never going to do it on your own.  Please pull it together.  You shouldn't be at work like this. I don't want you crying at work.

I say ok... Hang up... Stop crying... and I write to you guys...

And you know I was on the phone with homeboy for almost 2hrs last night so I have tea to spill on that but my heart is hurting right now so I don't feel like it.