Blah blah blah

Hey! I hope you all had a great holiday. Mine was nice. Just chilled at home. Cooked for me Mini and Crab.

I told Crab about how I posted about love and how amazing it was and he was like "Remember how you used to say how that kind of  love wasn't real?" I do remember. And I was thinking of how  counterproductive it is to put that negative energy out. Especially to the one you want. I was lucky enough to run into someone with the  strength and patience to want to change my mind.  But a lot of people probably would have taken that negative energy and decided not to try with me. 

On another note, Homeboy called while I was with Crab yesterday. I showed Crab who was calling first then I answered the phone. It went something like this.

M: Hello
H: Hey. What are you doing?
M: Nothing. I'm at Crab's house.
H: Why are you there?!
M: Because he's my boyfriend and we're watching tv....
H: He's  your boyfriend now? When did this happen?
M: I don't know. It just happened. I can't tell you a date or anything.
H: Wow! He finally got some sense huh? Can you talk?
M: yeah.

So we commenced to talking about Christmas and work...

H: Back to Crab being your boyfriend. When did this happen?
M: I don't know. It just morphed into it I guess.
H: I'm just really surprised. I never thought it would happen.
M: Why? I'm a good woman.
H: No. I know you are. I just...  I just didn't think that's what you wanted.
M: I wasn't going to be single forever.
H: Yeah I know. Well congratulations. I'm happy for you.

So we talked a little more.

When I hung up I told Crab I talked to him to show him he wasn't a factor. That there was no reason for me not to be able to have a conversation with him.  Crab agreed. I also pointed out to Crab that even though I hadn't talked to Homeboy in forever he was still like "Why are you over there?!" That's something Crab always questioned me about. How could Homeboy get upset about things if we weren't in a relationship. He felt it just didn't add up. But yesterday he got to see that he does. There's no explanation for it.  He always thought that the way homeboy used to get jealous seemed like Homeboy and I had more of a sexual relationship than I admitted to. Now he sees that's not true. He just acts jealous because that's what he does. Means nothing.  I'm glad I could show him this. It's always a point of contention between us.  And it always bothered me that Crab thought I wasnt being honest.  So i feel a tad bit vindicated.

One more thing...

I'm not in the business of giving advice
But, if I can just say this... Wait for love. Don't waste your time trying to get someone to love you. Because love that is given freely is amazing. Amazing!

Quickie

My heart is so full it feels like it's gonna burst!

She Who Runs The Kitchen...

Hey Hey Hey!  I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas!

I did!  Nothing for adults!  I only bought for kids.  I got Mini a Kindle Fire.  He loved it. Of course Santa brought him gifts too, but it's my tradition to make the most expensive gift be from me.  Last night before we went to sleep he said he had a great Christmas.  He said he loved my present and the presents from his grandparents not just because they were good presents but because they came from people he loved.  I love it when he says things like that.  When he gets it!  You know?

In other news...  things are still great with me and Crab. The thing is we share all aspects of our lives.  And even though I only live 5-10 minutes away, it becomes a hassle   Cooking here, packing it up bringing it there.  Stopping here, getting this from there to go back over here... Shoes and clothes in trunk so that I can change while there, if I need to.  It's really exhausting.  I'm not trying to move in or anything.  I have a toothbrush and contact solution.  I need to to put a bottle of my face wash in the bathroom.  He mentioned I should bring a change of clothes.  But my dad kind of brought something up a couple of weeks ago.  He called while I was there and we're talking and he says

D: Are you at Crab's house
M: Yeah but I'm about to leave because I need to go cook dinner.
D: Why don't you just cook there?
M: Well... it's kind of bacherlory.  He doesn't
D: Have all the accouterments?
M: Yeah.....
D: Well you need to go out and stock the kitchen with what you need then.
M: Daddy.  I don't want him to think I'm trying to move in
(Mind you Crab is sitting right next to me)

When I hung up the phone I told Crab "I think my dad is trying to move me in with you!"

Ever since Thanksgiving my parents (meaning my dad and his fiance) consider Crab part of the family.  They looooove him!

So Anyway..... I digress (as I often do)

I was talking to Crab the other day and I had mentioned how exhausting all the running back and forth is and I said "It really would make sense for me... to... you know... um... sometimes... uh... cook here."
C: Yeah.

Oh My God you guuuuuuuys......

He's totally cool with me cooking at his house.........  He even brought it up himself this morning!  He must want me to cooooook theeeeeere...  And I don't know about you but the scent of food cooking really makes a place feel like home to me.

Like that is huge to me!  It feels very.... like... close.  Like cooking in his kitchen seems so, togetherish! Right? I mean we are together.  But that's SO together.  Like not to sound sexist or anything, but the kitchen in a home is like a woman's domain.  I mean especially in a home where the man doesn't cook.  It feels like him giving me reign over the kitchen is like me sticking a flag at the top of a mountain.  Like, "DunDunDunDuuuuuuun!  Today I declare this man and his kitchen mine!!!!!!!!!"

OMG!!!  While I type this I'm listening to a podcast and the woman just said
"She who runs the kitchen runs the world"

Yes!  That's what I'm talking about!  I'm bout to run this world!

Creep Creep Creep

Hmmmmm.....

A couple of weekends ago I went out and saw this girl and I thought she was cute so I went over and started to talk to her about hair and how cute her hair was blah blah blah.  I tell her to come and sit with me.  So she came and sat and we talked girlie stuff.  She told me the guy she came with was waiting for her but don't worry about it, he could wait.  I look up and Dude is standing outside, just staring in the window.  I smile at him and wave hi and he grimaced and shook his head no!  LMAO!

I went over to Crab and said "I found a girl I like!"  So I go back over and talk a little.  Crab came over and I  introduced her to him.  I'm all "Isn't he cute!?"  So we exchange numbers and instagrams.  For the next couple of days we texted... you know  Hey boo!  and WYD?  Stuff like that.  I'm not much of a texter probably because I drive a lot.  So texting is difficult for me.  Anyway.... so eventually I got tired of texting and I say "We should have a drink Wednesday!"  she responds "Oh ok".  So Wednesday comes (day before Thanksgiving).   I text her WYD?  No response.  And I haven't heard from her since.

Oh Well.  I wonder why.  Did it seem Like I was hitting on her?  I didn't want to seem like a creepy dude...

You know how dudes can be creepy....

And the Gub'ment wrote me a letter.  They messed up.... They owe me some more money!  BAM!

Mama's boy

I am for the most part very motherly to the men in my life.  I like to make sure they eat.  Buy their undershirts.  Make them soup when they're sick.  It's almost like I need it it as much as they do.  I have to have someone to take care of.

Crab lost his mother pretty suddenly.  It's been sometime but I don't think he's still not finished grieving her death.  We talk about her a lot.  About the day she died.  I know he was crushed.  For years after he had panic attacks.

I'm sure they had a really special relationship. From all the stories he's told me I've been able to imagine them shopping in the city on the weekends and getting a burger at a diner.  Or how she wasn't super affectionate, but when he was little she'd come in his room while he was sleeping and kiss him and hug him. It's nice to hear how special those moments were to him.  Probably because I do that with Mini.  Mini is a mama's boy and I think Crab must have been too.  When I was talking to his ex-wife the other day she said "Crab needs to be with someone who is going to mother him.  That's what I did.  That's what you do.  He needs that."

A lot of how I care for him is from a mother's point of view.  I think of how would I want my son to be loved and treated by his girlfriend/wife when I'm gone.  I want someone who is going to be a haven to him.  Someone who provides him with a safe place to be vulnerable.  So even though I've never met his mother, I always think of her and her peace of mind knowing that her youngest is loved and nurtured.  I do it for her.  Who knows.  I'm not always sure what I believe about an after life, but just in case, I take care to make sure that if she is looking down on us she's smiling.

Jeopardy

Oh I forgot to add....

I rejoined my lodge.  The lodge where MD is...

Crab voiced some concern.

I assured him everything would be fine.

I went to a party Saturday.  I was nervous that I'd see him but he wasn't there. I know it will be hard BUT

BUT

I FOUND LOVE.  REAL LOVE.

I would never ever jeopardize it.

Right?

Right.

Hello Hello!

Hey guys.  I'm so sorry I've been MIA.  I guess nothing really significant has been going on until recently I guess

I had a great Thanksgiving!  Guess what.... Crab came to Thanksgiving dinner at my dad's house!  We had such a good time.  Everyone LOVED him and he loved everyone.  We stayed until almost 1 am!  It was the first time I ever brought a man with me.  EVER.  Not even my husband would come.  So it was just really new and exciting all the way around!  We sat around the table and drank and cracked up ALL NIGHT! I'm smiling just typing about it!

Did I tell you about Hurricane Sandy?  I don't think so but we decided to spend the storm together, me Crab and Mini.  We got food and movies and hunkered down at Crab's house.  The next day lots of people were without power.  But CRab wasn't so it went from Me Crab and Mini to 

Me, Crab, Mini, Daughter #1 and her three kids and her boyfriend and his kid, Daughter #2 and her kid, Son and Ex-wife.  Yup!  It wasn't terrible though.  And Ex-Wife and I really like each other so it was ok.  But after 1 night of it I had to go home.  It was just too crowded.  But it was really nice to get to see the ex-wife and talk with her a little more.  We really do get along great.  I ran into her Sunday morning and she invited us to go to a holiday party with her and her husband.  I'm sure Crab will never go for that!

So yesterday I had a moment.  I came over and brought breakfast   We ate.  He fell asleep.  And I felt like "I guess I should go" so I got up to leave and he's like

C:  What's wrong?

M: Nothing.  I'm gonna go to Target.

C:  For what?

M: I don't know, I just feel like I should go somewhere.  I don't want to disturb you.

C: You're not disturbing me.  I want you to be here. (Turns over goes back to sleep)

I sit for a second. Just watching TV, then all of the sudden tears.  I mean lots of tears start streaming down my face. To hear someone say:

I Want You To Be Here

It was.  I don't know.  I just feel.  It's just an amazing feeling to be wanted back.