Those on twitter know I'm still alive. I haven't posted in a while because I just don't feel like it lately.
Today I feel lonely. Maybe because its raining. Maybe because my weekend was very single motherish. I taught my son how to ride his bike then later he got stood up by his dad and layed on my lap and cried. It makes me sad to always do things alone. But it isn't different than when I was with my husband. I still had to do it alone. But I really would like a partner in all of this. Its bittersweet to see my son with Homeboy. I know I gave him up for Crab but I still like to see him interact with Mini. There is such an easy feel to their interaction. I want that for him so badly. A man in my life that isn't turned off by my son and his energy but encourages him to use the energy up. Homeboy seems to know how to handle it. He's nurturing and caring with his son but seems to know how to teach him masculinity at the same time. I want someone to do that for my son. It's so cute when Mini is finished boxing he runs over to Homeboy to give him five before we leave. It makes my heart ache a little.
And with me he always tells me how beautiful I look. Sometimes while I'm in the middle of talking about something completely different he'll interupt and say "you look great" or "you're so beautiful". And its usually when I look my worst. He tells me he's proud of me. He makes me feel good about myself. I want that for me too.
Oh well. Maybe one day I'll learn to do what's best for me. Until then I'll have lonely days.