Quickie! Happy Halloween

Giggling...

We laugh so much. That's one of my favorite things about me and Crab's relationship. We crack up!

M: Crab, um can you slap me and spit on me without me having to ask you?
C: No. You are going to start talking so if there is something you want, you're going to have to ask me for it.
M: I can write anything. I just can't say it.
C: So what... are you gonna start handing me cue cards and just say "Here. This."
AND WE LAUGHED

M: Hey Crab!
C: Huh?
M: Remember I told you about Anonymous?
C: Yeah. She comments. You like her right?
M: Yeah. I wrote about a shrine to your body. She said she's obsessed with her dude's body too.
(Insert Shrine recap here).
AND WE LAUGHED

And you know I made sure to mention that picture I said I wanted!


It's a good Monday Morning! I went to see my CrabbyCrabster this morning and didn't want to leave him. :( He's working from home today because trains to Manhattan are still shutdown because of the snow. Afterwards I had sad look on my face. He asked what was wrong and I told him I wanted to stay...

Anyway. Happy Halloween. Use today to get dressed up like a slut and go out in public. That's what Crab and I want to do. But, no babysitter. :( So do it with me in mind!

S.V.U.

I want some Crab. Right now! It's snowing and cold and I want to be next to him. I want to play with his hair. Its so so soft! I just love the way his curls feel in between my fingers. I haven't touched it in about a year probably. (I'm so weird) I want to touch him. His skin is so soft and smells so good. I love it when I leave him and can still smell him on my hands and face.

The other day...

I wrote that like three hours ago (the other day), came back and now I haven't the slightest idea of what I was writing.

So. Um... yeah... uh....

Oh.  Oh.  I know what I was gonna write!

So the other day I was on his bed sleeping.  Yup.  You didn't misread that.  I was A) on the bed and B) sleeping. And he took a shower and he walked back in the room naked and he had oiled himself up after his shower.  And he turned the lights up and I woke up. I slowly opened my eyes and it was like... I heard the angels singing. 

I'm gonna ask him can I put up a picture of his body if I crop his head out.  It is beautiful and when he gets out of the shower and oils up that work of art....

I want him to send me a dick pic.

Imma ask him for one.  A sloppy dick pic.  Like when its all spitty. Yum....  it just seems to sparkle and I try not to stare at it.  Cause I think it might seem weird if I do.

If it were acceptable I would make a little shrine to it.  And I would bring it gifts like little gucci trinkets and trident tropical twist gum.  And cologne samples.  And sometimes I would wrap a scarf around the shrine because Crab likes scarves. 

Um.... did that sound psycho?  Like some shit you see on Law and Order?  But see that's why I prefaced said written lunacy with

IF IT WERE ACCEPTABLE

I'm not crazy.

Bored

Today I had a hard time getting into things.  Well not that hard. But hard enough.  Sometimes I can get a little bored.  When that happens I'm all "I'm boooooored. No offense or anything. But I'm really getting boooooored."  Today it was just like I doing it all HoHum.  Then something clicked and I got into it.  Yeah I'm bored.

The first night the huge dildo came out he kept saying "You're bored huh?  You bored? You bored now?"  So I have not mentioned my boredom as of yet.  I probably will next time I have a free weekend I will mention my boredom. 

Maybe I will break out a new corset outfit for him and see if I can get some good action.  The last time I tried on my blue one it was too big and my poor tatas would sadly sink down into it.  But I have since chubbed up. So maybe I can manuever my chubbyness into a way that the girls sit nicely.

Uh.....

SIIIIIKE!
You know my ass picked up the phone. Out of a dead sleep too!

He still is crabby as shit though. But you know what? That's part loving people and having people who love us. Cause we aren't always smiley and happy. Sometimes we are crabby. And when we are we need those people who are gonna love us regardless and let us have our moments.

So he can have today; maybe even tomorrow of he needs it.

Space

Crab was Crabby today so you know what...
I'M NOT CALLING HIM!
And I'm not texting him.  And I might even NOT PICK UP THE PHONE!

And when he ask why imma tell him...

I thought you could use a little space

A story about someone other than me

So I wanna tell you all about my friend Trapped.  By the end off the story you will know why that's her name.

I met Trapped five years ago when Mini was 2.  She was working at a home day care that I sent Mini to.  She was always sweet and as time went by I would spend more and more time talking to her when I would pick up Mini.  She is from Trinidad and was here going to school and staying with friends of her family.  She was a little shy and didn't know anyone or have any friends.  I would give her rides home some nights.  We became friends and I took her under my wing like a little sister. 

After a while I started to notice how unhappy she was with her job and how she was treated.  She was no longer going to school because her visa had run out and she was then in the country illegally.  I told her if she wanted to I would pay her the same $150/wk and she could watch my son at her place during the day.  I even got my friend to do the same. 

One day she told me about boy she'd started seeing.  His name was Spirit.  He sounded great! She was glowing.  His family was from Trinidad too.  Things seemded to be going well.  Then she found out that he was a couple of years younger than her.  I think she was nineteen and he was seventeen.  She chose to still stick with it. Eventually the honeymoon period faded as it always does but nothing too bad.  Spirit came from a family of seventh day aventist.  They were very strict and Spirit started expecting Trapped to conform to their standards.  He no longer wanted her wearing makeup or jewelry.  They expected her to come to church and observe the sabbath.  It wasn't how she was raised but she went along with it anyway.

Then Trapped got pregnant.  Even though he was young still not out of highschool he was excited and wanted her to keep the baby.  The family that Trapped was living with had two young daughters.  They told her that her being pregnant and not married was a bad example for their daughters and that she would have to leave.  By this time Spirit had graduated highschool and got a job.  They got an apartment together.  I threw them a baby shower and along came their son.  They made me godmother which went against Spirit's family tradition of family members.  But still things were ok.  His family definitely had their issues with her.  They were jealous, possesive and controlling. 

There was one instance where Trapped became very sick.  Like a terrible flu.  She was almost in and out of conciousness at times.she would start to get better and then she would get terribly sick again.  She eventually went to the hospital.  It seemed as though she was being poisoned.  When she thought about it, she was was getting sick after eating food Spirit's mother would bring to her.  And only her.  And she confirmed it when she didn't eat the plate of food they had brought he and Spirit ate it and beca?e violently ill. 

Eventually spirit and Trapped got married and within about a month he went off to the army.  After bootcamp he came back for Trapped and they were off to Georgia.  And then he was off to Afgahnastan.  She was lonrly and never really did make friends.  I was sure she would being on base and all but it was just pretty much her and her son.  No friends no family.  But she was working off and lost all her baby weight plus more. She looked (looks) amazing!  And Spirit came home!

From the pictures on Facebook things were great. She looked hot! They were taking trips and vacations.  I was glad to see things were well.  Then one day I read her FB status and something just didn't seem right.  I called.  I was right. She cried and cried telling my about what a tyrant he had become. He was violent and masonjinistic. It was bad.  But she had a trip coming up.  She was going home to Trinidad.  And she wasn't planning on coming back.

I told her to call me anytime she needed.

Well she called today.  She tried the whole staying in Trinidad thing and he threatened to press charges against her for child abduction.  So se came back.  He has been torturing her, doing things like disconnecting the electricity so she would have no access to the computer and he cancelled her cell phone.  While she was gone he'd bought a house in the middle of nowhere.  No neighbors close.  She had no idea where she was or how to contact anyone. 

Today she went to meet with somone on base to talk about Spirit's abusive behavior. But because she has no concrete evidence (picture of bruises) only photos of holes he's punched in the walls they say the most they can do for her is give him a 1 month hold where he would have to stay on base and give her one month to get herself together and leave.  But here's another thing.  Just because you get married doesn't mean you get citizenship.  That only happens after 3 years. So her green card expires in February and she'll need him to sign for it's renewal. So now she's just trapped...

I feel so bad. I want to tell her to come home to Jersey but after leaving my husband I'm still trying to get my shit together...

Poor her :(

Quickie

Sigh.  I want some...
I want him to push my legs back as far as he can and twist my body to the left, his right, so he can get the exact angle he wants.  Yup. That is what I want.

The Weekend

Oh yeah I forgot the weekend...
Friday with Crab.  Watching tv.  Hanky panky. Tv...
Saturday with Crab.  Watching movies hanky panky more movies
Sunday with Crab. Catching up on basketball wives. Hanky panky

Touchy

So after responding to Nony and Monique I called Crab.Writing a response to their comments made me have a flash back of my freakout over touching his hands.  I could see the look on his face in my mind.  He was so confused.  He said it a couple of times "Just touch them." I was stuttering. Trying the squeeze past him. Just trying to get away. 

So I figured I should tell him what really happened.  I called him.  I told him him that it was too much for me.  He said he was thinking it was weird. He hadn't  understood why I was acting like that.  He didn't realize. I told him it was like being scared to bungee jump and all the sudden finding yourself on the edge of a cliff.  I told him its crippling.  How could any normal person be in a relationship with me and be happy.  He agreed.  It isn't possible. People need affection.  I told him I was trying but its too hard to fix on my own.  He agreed that the severity of my issues need counseling.

I said don't you realize how far away from you stay.  He seemed defensive and said "I don't try and make you touch me".  And I said "no I'm not saying you pressure me.  I'm saying it should even be an issue with you." He agreed. 

I also said that I replaced giving affection with other things.  Like I feed him.  I am constantly feeding him.  Or running errands. I had been confused thinking did I never really love anyone.  Was it all fake?  He said no.  It was just my way of loving. But its still an issue.

In my head I touch him.  I hug him.  I kiss him.  In my head.

Crab Notes if you will

Ok so recap, catch up cliff notes... no Crab notes.

So when Crab and I first met id just left my husband.  I was sad.  Down in the dumps Sis took me out to The Spot.  Spiffied me all up.  The first time in my life I was ever HOT.  My whole adult life I'd hid behind big clothes etc.  Had no self esteem. 

I'd never had a loving relationship.  I had been with the ex for 9 years.  When I met him I was 23. He was 34.  Pretty much the whole time he never paid attention to me.  Didn't talk to me.  Barely wanted to have sex.  We only went to eat maybe 3 times in 9 years. Movies once.  I can't say I ever had self esteem. I guess that's a big part of nine years and marriage to a person who didn't even care to get to know you.

I've always had self esteem issues.  Never had affection.  I had no idea what love should be like.  My mother was never affectionate and would push away hugs and kisses.  I kind of got it in my head that I wasn't good enough for that.  Why would anyone want to hug me or even worst be hugged by me?

So I marry a man who shows not one ounce of love or even interest in me.  But I was convenient for him.  I paid the bills. I would do anything for him. I just wanted him to love me back.  so he married me after 8 years.

So anyways...
I am part of a fraternal originization.  So is my husband but in seperate lodges.  So I started to hang out with my sisters and brothers more at some point.  I was starting to realize I was pretty (not to sound concieted just bare with me for the sake of understanding the story). And I realized the brothers were into me.  They told me nice things about me.  They said I was smart. They said I was funny.  I liked the attention.  My husband not so much.  He started to get violent with me.  All of this came as a great surprise.  I thought he thought I was invisable. 

So to end that story I never cheated but I had to take my son and leave cause I just couldn't have someone put there hands on me.

So that brings us to about 2-3 months later sitting at the bar.  My friend Sis was kind of dragging me out trying to help me out of things.  But she had a dude meet us at the bar one night.  She was all into him and totally not paying me any mind.  I was sad and the bartender I guess noticed.  He started talking with me. Joking with me.  And eventually I told him what was going on.  He was a cool guy.  He said he would listen more if it was okay to call me after he got off.  We exchanged numbers.  Crab.

So he called.
I was asleep.  We talked the next day.  He listened.  He asked questions. I had NEVER.  You read me? NEVER had any man be so interested in my life. So we talked. It was cool.  I really wasn't interested in him though. I just wasn't thinking of him or any man for that matter. 

So we talked again the next day and I told him I would call him back.  So when I called a girl answered.  She said he wasn't there.  Hung up and a few minutes later she called me back.  I told her if that's her man don't break up with him over me.  We were just friendly and he was helping me get over the divorce. I told her he seemed like a really special person so don't let go of that over me.

About a week later he called.  He explained that he and the girl had been breaking up.  She took his phone he apologized for her calling and that was that. We went out for drinks and that is how we started. We decided not to have sex because we felt we would be really good together in a relationship.  So the deal was

MONIQUE HERE'S YOUR DEAL PART

We would work on building a solid foundation of friendship.  He said that he honestly was still getting over "OlGirl" and wasn't ready to jump in. I felt I needed to date around because I had never really dated. I felt that was something I needed to experience. 
So he would come over. We'd fool around a little.  I would go on dates and tell him everything and he would guide me through it.  Helping me weed people out etc.  We made a pact to always be honest and never lie to each other.  And we kept that pact to this day (as far as I know)

So then we get to Mr. Dangerous aka MD.  Y'all remember him?  Oh lord.  Sigh....

He was a brother from my lodge.  I never liked him.  He was a man whore.  He was reckless with his mouth and would say anything and would be so disrespectful after a couple of drinks.  I ran into him at The Spot.  Crab had seen me talking to him. He said something that didn't like and I got angry and was telling him about himself.  I was with PIC (that's my best friend).  MD. Told me he wanted to talk to PIC and asked if he could call me the next day.

So MD calls and says he really just wanted me and knew I wouldn't have given him my number if he told me that. I told him I really didn't like him and had absolutely no interest in him like that.  He said he wanted to change my mind and at least let him cook me dinner or something.

I did.

I don't know how but

I fucked him

It was only a few pumps when I freaked and took off.

Then I went back for more.  Again and again and again.  It was sooooooo good.  The best sex I've ever had.  Crab was so mad.  He says it was because MD was a brother and the lodge was already thinking badly about me.  Also MD had a girlfriend.  Long story short I stopped with MD but quiet as kept only because I hated the way it was affecting me and Crab.

So I stopped fucking MD and stopped dating.

Crab and I really started exploring things sexually and we really enjoy each other. I think we all know about that.  If not read back.  Oh. And I'm extremely gifted.  Like an Olympian in the area of giving oral sex.  And I LOVE IT!  So we do it A LOT. So much that today he tapped out.  He couldn't take anymore!

Every now and then I've talked to Crab about me dating again because I wanted someone to hangout and watch tv with and all that stuff. Sometimes our relationship felt lonely.  He came to a point where he didn't want me dating.  Well that's not exactly how he put it. He really said he wasn't going to sit around while I dated and found a boyfriend. So if I dated we couldn't even be friends.  I could never imagine that.  He was my everyday.  He was my security.  And so I would always choose him and this friendship we have.

October 29th will be 2yrs since our first date.

Soooooo...... now Crab and I are doing these things and I'M FREAKIN OUT.  we hang out. I lay on the bed which I refused to do before.  I stay.  I don't suck his dick then jump up and say "alright by!" Like I used to.  I have a problem giving and receiving affection but we are slowly incorporating affection and intimacy in (see Spooning, Perfection, and Am I becoming dare I say it.... normal) and its freaking me out.  I replaced it with crazy jealousy.  I'm trying to cut that out as quickly as it started.

As Seen On TV

I'm such a goddamn mental case! I think I just may be a lost cause.  I just figured something out about my behavior and I'm super disapponted now.

One step forward two steps back. I'm a fucking scaredy cat and I let fear cripple me. I am so disappointed in myself.

So. This afternoon I knew he was still asleep.  But instead of just texting him good morning/afternoon I text

What are you doing? Tell whatever bitch you brought home she's gotta go.

And I know that he usually wakes up, grabs his phone and calls me.  He really doesn't like waking up to these kinds of messages.

I've been doing this a lot lately. A LOT.  Yesterday I told him that I decided he's been going to a different bar to throw me off from finding about someone at The Spot.  This is out of no where.

Then today when he woke up he called. I knew he'd be annoyed. I tried to be nonchalant about it

M: hello
C: what was that text about.
M: I don't know.  Nothing...
C: I went to the bar. It was dead. I ate. I came home. I read and went to sleep. So I don't know what your talkin...
* I interupt*
M: wow you studied last night? Wow. That's good!
C: I'm going to go eat. Ill call you later.

A couple of minutes later I realize what I've been really doing.

I let one guard down by spending quality time. Touching him. Allowing myself to feel other feelings for him.  Then...

Bam! I put a new one up.  I realized that if I make up all these "he's seeing someone else" stories and convince myself of this it will hurt less when it happens.  So whatever progress I thought I'd made is completely null and void because I replaced it with another even more FUCKED UP behavior.

I

Am

Fucked

Up

I called and apologized for the shit I've been pulling lately.

He said "its ok. Ill call you later"

I feel like... STOP TRYING.  JUST BE WHO YOU ARE. YOU ARE AN EMOTIONAL INVALID. ACCEPT IT.

But there's gotta be a way to change right?  People change. I've seen it on T.V.

Nothing about nothing...

What a day!  I went to Crabs before work, after work and then a couple of hours later.  While I was there I finally finished watching Terminator 2 (after 3 attempts).  So now I've seen Terminator 3 and 2. So next he's gotta get 1. He's getting me caught up on movies that I should have seen by now.  My birthday we watched Gladiator. I wonder what will be next! Any suggestions. I've seen pretty much nothing so whatever you throw out there odds are I've never seen it.

After I finished watching Terminator he went to the gym and I ran some errands and got us something to eat at Panera. Then we listened to music and watched VH1Soul while he ironed and got his clothes ready to go out. I gave him some head and then curled up and went to sleep.  I woke up when he kept turning the bright ass light on and he was dressed to go and talking.  About what I can't remember. Blah blah scarf blah blah cologne blah blah doesn't it smell like both blah blah something else blah blah ready to go.  We got in the car and I drove him to where he was going. Muah kiss. And that was my Friday night.

Me...Today

Now you know

*Ahhhh Sigh*
I can't wipe this smile off of my face. My cheeks are starting to ache a bit but I'm still smiling.

I went to Crab's this morning before work. Let me start by saying I emailed him the post that I wrote last night. He loved it. Soooo....

This morning, he was so so talkative. And I loved it. And he said more than the usual. And I loved it. And @Nony's (Anonymous) suggestion yesterday definitely crossed my mind. But I was so into what I was doing I just didn't want to stop to talk.

What was really good is that I knew that after reading my post he was able to feel when I pulled closer to him and know that I really wanted to be closer than close. And I knew that when I grabbed his body he knew that meant I was getting more excited. I felt like now that he knows all of those little things, it's more intimate. And that's what I wanted right? Intimacy? That felt good. It felt good.

I think I can step out from behind my wall again.

He texted me while I was on my way to work
C: You're the fucking best!!!

Talk dirty to me

Ok so here's my thing today... dirty talk. 
I
Can't
Do
It
But here's the other thing...
I
Love
It
This is something I have to get over because I know its a missing component.
Let me tell you something. One CrabMan is an expert.  He says it so well. With every single thing he says I get excited. I feel more.  I go harder deeper softer faster slower... whatever it is that the moment calls for.  Some times its nasty.

Mmmm you're so nasty
You're such a greedy bitch
Suck that dick bitch

Sometimes its not.

You're the best
It feels so good Baby
Get it

But I love everything he says to me.  When he's talking to me I pull myself closer to him. Its almost like there is no such thing as close enough. My fingers stretch as wide as they can to grasp as much of his body as they can hold.  These are the times that get burned into not just my mental memory but its like its burned into evey cell that came into contact with him. I can just think about it and feel his foot on mine.  I can feel him in my hands while I grasp his sides. Only for a moment.  Because I know where he wants my hands. So when I think about it, I can still feel them travel up his stomach. I can feel the ripples up his abs to his chest where he likes them. And even more I can feel him in my mouth. And I love the way that feels.  Its something about the soft skin on his hard dick. Its the perfect juxtiposition. And the more excited he gets I can feel it get harder, thicker while its in my mouth. And sometimes he moves with me. And I slightly change my angel so that each inch of his dick gets massaged by my mouth. And he letts me know he feels it and it feels good.
Suck me off he'll say.  And that makes me think of the moment when he'll cum.  So I inch forward so that I can change to going straight up and down.  I know he likes that and I know it will make him cum. I go harder so it bangs on the back of my throat and I open and close my throat on the head. His leg will start moving just a tiny bit right before he cums and when he does cum I hold it there right in the back of my mouth until he's finished while my hands squeeze the sides of his body. 

And amazingly I feel so satisfied. I feel a calm.

I look at him and he'll say... that was good. And I'll agree.  I may run my hands down his thighs right before I get up.

And this is why I can concentrate at work. 
See? I was trying to get some tips on talking dirty and had no intention of describing one of our interludes.

Anyway. I'm so scared of sounding stupid when I talk. Any tips?

Blah blah rambling

First off this Victorias Secret Heavenly is everything right now. It smells very close to my signature fragrance which I can't afford at this very moment but hopefully come November I will be able to.  I regret that I can't tell you what it is because I'm selfish like that and want no one to knowingly smell like me. Yeah I embrace my crazy and make no apologies.   But.... But... If you would like to smell like me settling, go get you summa dat Victoria's Secret Heavenly and when someone is all up in your neck partially intoxicated by your scent feel free to thank me.

I'm back... id left you but you had no idea!  Crab just called.  He's about to start his workout! Chest and Arms tonight. I have butterflies.... its so crazy because there's no boundary of friend and more than friend in my head so he's like

C: I just got to the gym.  I'll call you when I get out.
M: what are you working on tonight?
C: chest and arms
M: oh my god that just made me feel giddy!
C: (laughs)
Like who would admit that to a dude they deal with? Me. I can't help it cause he's my bestie so I automatically say crazy shit.

Anyway.
Mom moment _ My son is getting like all 100s and 90s on his tests (usually 10 questions). But he talks too much in class. (1st grade). Hmmm wonder where he gets that from? That was just my bragging moment.

So. I was thinking... Is it wrong if you know that your significant other has friends who are hoebags (male or female) for you to feel apprehensive about their friendships. Of course you say if there is trust there should be no problem.  But isn't it just natural not to want your sweetie cavorting around with hoes? I would never tell a dude of mine I wanted him to drop a friend but I can see feeling a certain way about them hanging out.

Updated on the Iggin

It was nothing. WTF?! Good thing I didn't eat that buttered roll. (my attempt at emotional eating)

UGH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the fuck did I doooooooooooooooo?

The only thing I can think of between saying good night and when he stopped answering my calls was some dude that I talk with every morning on twitter sent me a Good Morning tweet and twitpiced a picture with his shirt off. I was all
"nice tat"
Because that shit was AWKWARD! Like what do you say? I wasn't gonna be all "NICE PIC!" so I just complimented his tattoo rather than him.
And I called another dude Relly Cakes
And I told my brother I loved him and I don't think he knows that's my brother.
But if he had called and said something he'd know that:

1 - The pic was unsolicited and awkward
2 - Rell is like a little brother to me.
3 - That other dude is my older brother who lives hundreds of miles away. Who he is well aware of and I've shown him a picture of him before.

Ughhhh.....

Text
Good Morning Crab
Response
**crickets**

In other news...

Walmart has Layaway back for Christmas! Hiyoooooo!

Up all night...

This is the type of thing that scares me about ever truly letting my guard down. I'm so sad. I'd hate to see #1 what I would feel like if he ever ended this. And #2 what I'd feel like if I were to let myself go and feel all there is to feel for a person.

Apparently I HAVE Been Bad

He's mad about something. What I don't know.  I didn't even do anything.  Everything was fine when I said goodnight last night then I get to work. Talk my usual twitter good mornings.  What could have happened to make him not speak to me ALL FUCKING GOT DAMN DAY!

But I'm gonna chill.  It is what it is. I'm not gonna call. He'll call when he's ready.

You've Been VERY VERY BAD!

OKAY. So I get these ideas in my head that I'm being punished for things. Or taught lessons. So today I have gone through the following emotions before deciding I was being punished by Crab.

Annoyed -
Crab hasn't answered his phone. He must have decided to sleep late.

Worried -
OMG. I hope he's ok. He said he was feeling like he was coming down with a cold last night when I went by. He looked ok. OMG. OMG. I hope he's ok. What if he's achey and has no advil. If I don't speak to him tonight I'm calling Flip to make sure he's ok

Angry -
WTF! You know I'm going crazy. The least you could do is CALL! ARGHHHH...

Suspicious -
He's probably trying to punish me for my jealousy. I mean we aren't together. He's not my man. I shouldn't be jealous. That will just push him away anyway. Oh well. I imagine I will just have to take my punishment.

This is all very neurotic. When I speak to him he'll probably say he slept late then had a meeting, then went to lunch. Then he took a nap (yes he tends to nap at work o_O) Then he got a project and couldn't talk. Or something like that. He always says that punishment/lesson thought is ridiculous. I once told him I thought he never had sex with me because he was trying to teach me not to be slutty (not that I am slutty) and to keep my legs closed. He laughed and said that was not the case.

Who knows though.

All I do know is that it's driving me CA-RAZE-EEE

Bad Combination

So....
Um I don't know if I've told you all about my over active immagination. Or my possesiveness. I've never been possesive. But I'm terribly incredibly possesive over Crab. EVERYONE wants him in my eyes. EVERYONE! I mean. How can they NOT!?!?! He is gorgeous, and engaging. His smile will melt you. And have you ever smelled him? No. I'm sure you haven't. And guess what. If it's up to me... YOU WONT and neither would anyone else!

Anyway. The two don't mix. An overactive imagination mixed with possesiveness have me believing or suspecting that every woman in his office is throwing themselves at him. That every part of him day he is having women hitting on him.

So today he said he was going to take the ferry at some point of the day to Staten Island, just for the ride. So I'm now believing that him and some office chick probably the garbage bitch are gonna be riding the ferry as some type of romantic lunch excursion.

Mind you... I'm ACTUALLY mad. Like I'm angry. I want to call his phone repeatedly so she gets suspicious. I want to send him Roses and big ol I LOVE YOU balloons to his job. So then he has to walk from the front desk to his desk with I love you balloons and shit! LOL! I should do it.

First Football Sunday

So its football Sunday.  I'm waiting for Crab to finish some business he had to handle with his ex. I think they are booking a place for Flips babyshower.  Flip and the other daughter.  Not sure if I named her but let's call her Electric.  Well they are both preggos.  Electric has two already so now he will be a Grandfather of 4. 

I put together a little outfit for today.  A Giants blue v neck tee.  Red boy shorts. A red bra. And red patent leather hidden platformed slingback heels.  I just may take a pair of scissors to and make the V deeper so the bra is exsposed. I think he will appreciate the effort if he gets back in time. We are already an hour behind schedule.

I'm very sleepy so I hope he hurries back so that he can still got to the gym and I can nap while he's there. I don't want to keep falling alseep around him and he gets the idea that I'm getting too comfortable. I don't want to scare him away.

Um.....

Live blogging...
Right now I'm at a birthday gathering.  It was supposed to be meeting up at chicks house and then going to a club/lounge. I don't know her friends mind you.  Well... no one (she)  told me that there was a change of plans and we were just chilling at her house. Well I'm dressed to go to the club. Meanwhile nobody else is.  Women not being friendly. Men being strangely friendly. The dudes are the only ones talking to me which makes it worst because I think they are attached to women here so that doesn't help the women talk to me. 

Trying to stick it out long enough for the Crab man to get home.  He went to a party...

I know how to keep you awake Baby...

Hey yaaaaaall. Nothin. I got nothin!  Lol.  Went to my Crabs yesterday.  I fell asleep.  Me falling asleep at Crabs shall not become a habit.  But he was ironing and doing his OCD folding.  He could give a seminar on how to fold your clothes perfectly so that they are all the same size and don't tip when you stack them. It'll have to be a 2 day seminar.  Day 1 blankets and sheets topped with pillows.  Day 2 Advanced Clothes.  I already took part one. I'm mediocre.  I see no difference in my folding and his.  He's sooooooo OCD. When I was falling asleep you know what he did to keep me awake.

"You're falling asleep.  I'm about to go outside. Ill be right back.  Vacuum the rug so you don't fall asleep."
-_-  So anyway I slept until he was ready to leave. (after vacuuming) When I got home he sent me a text that The Spot was wack. Shoulda stayed with me. The head isn't!

So I'm starting to feel guilty about dropping MzP.

GASP!

I just got out of a meeting and BOY am I overwhelmed. Everyday there are so many more details added to my job. And each time they say... "It's just something little" well 80 new little things a week sure do add up.

To make it worst, when I get stressed or overwhelmed I get a nervous tick that makes it sound like I'm gasping for air. This will continue until I leave to go home. I used to do it at Crab's. Now Crab's is the only place I'm not doing it.

It's embarrassing... GAAAAAAASP

Come on.... Big Money

Another day of not being able to concentrate! For two reasons. One we all know. Cause I'm a nasty girl. Then tomorrow is payday. The day before payday I can't stop thinking about the things I need to get out of the way before I can actual plan on buying extras. Like I gotta pay for before and aftercare. I need to wash clothes. I need to take mini for a haircut. Mini needs undies and Jeans. He's growing faster than my salary is! I need shoes. BAD! Not like I love shoes and I want shoes. But Like I NEED them. I should go to this shoe store this weekend and bring Crab with me and then he can go to the Marshalls next door because he likes Marshalls and he needs jeans. And I need pants. Desperately. Desperately. And shoe boots. And a fall coat/jacket. And sneakers. And I need to paint. And I need a new area rug and a bookcase and Mini needs a new bed.

I want some Remi 18 inches of it.

I go to child support November 3rd. Come on.... $600! Remember that gameshow...
"Come on... Big money... Big money... No Whammy... No Whammy.... STOP!"

Touchdown!

Ok so I have finally found a babysitter for football season! SCORE! Did y'all know I was looking for a babysitter for football season. Nope you probably didn't.

After 2 seasons, finally, partially through the 3rd I find one. 

The plan is me and Crab and a day of football and head and probably whatever else I might decided to want or he might decide to want.  But it will be me and Crab 2 to 6 on Sundays! I'm addicted at the moment so the thought is so exciting.  He doesn't think I'll be able to handle it but I told him even if it is too much we will be building stamina and endurance.  I told him that I'm always competitive.

M: you know its training. I'll build endurance. You know I'm competitive.
C: who are you competing with?
M: Myself
C: yeah cause I was gonna say...
M:there is no competition.
C: There really isn't.

BIG GRIN

Today while I was giving him head he said "I can't wait until Sunday!"

That just made me go crazy when I heard him say that! I feel butterflies just thinking about it!

Quick Fix

Today was a decent day.  I went to work an hour later than usual so that Mini and I could get a little extra sleep. We were tired!  So that meant I didn't get to go see Crab this morning. 

However...

Crab worked from home today.  So I'm talking to him and he tells me to leave work a little early so I could come by.  So I did.  By time I got to him I had about a good 10 minutes. So he's all ready. Neutrogena oiled up looking all glisteny musclely good.  I swear sometimes I just wanna lick him. Anyway so I gave him quickie, looked at him and said "That was good!". He agreed. And then I headed on my way. I swear to you I felt so much better afterwards. Its like a drug.

My Little Fantasy Today

So did I tell you that I got a collar and leash? I love love love it! I highly suggest you try it if you haven't! 

First of all it looks really hot.  Mine is patent leather and it has little rhinestones down the front.  The leash is patent leather too.  I love it and he knows exactly how to yank it just right at the right times. 

Today I had a little fantasy about it and it was the first thing to make me smile.  I was thinking I wish Crab could bring me to work with him on the leash.  He'd walk me in and as everyone looked shocked he'd just say in his stern voice

"Don't talk to her!"

He'd walk me to his desk and tell me to sit down. And I would sit on the floor next to his chair and lay my head on his leg.  Occasionaly he might let me give him some head but not enough to make him cum. Sometimes I would look up at him and open my mouth and he'd spit in it. (I know that may sound gross but I really like it) That shocked people even more and they would start to say something and he say again...

"I said don't talk to her!"

Eventually a boss would come in and say...

"Crab I'm sorry but you can't have her here." And he'd say

"Bob, I can't leave her alone all day. She'd tear the house up! And I just can't keep her in the cage all day. That's just not right" and he'd reach down and touch my face gently and give me a sweet smile and I'd smile back up and him lovingly.

I swear I wish this could truly happen but of course it can't unless he wanted to get fired and we both wanted to get arrested for lude acts in public.  Which neither are desireable.

He does like the idea of it too though!

I went to Crab's this morning before work. I love it when I get to see him in the morning. I can smell him on me. :) Don't you love that?

I've never been one to put personal effects on my desk. They are big about decorating your cube her. But I just have Mini's picture, a stuffed fish Mini won for me that he wanted me to bring with me and a a small picture frame with a picture of Crab in it. I told him I put a picture of him on my desk so it wouldn't be creepy.

I say all this to say it makes the day pleasant to have reminders of your loved ones. and his smell is making for a very nice morning!

Sigh... Random Work Bitches Make Me Sick

So mondays I leave work early for my doctors appts.  But today because of before/after care tom fuckery I would have to pickup Mini from school. So I cancelled my appt (which must NEVER happen again) and went to scoop my little guy.  When I got there his teacher told me my father had come and gotten him already.

SCORE

I immediately get on the horn and inform my favorite person that I would meet him at the train and head home to make dinner early.  But first I chilled a sec when I hear Big Sean talm'bout ass ass ass ass... that would be my phone.  I look... it's my future step mother Chuckles.  She laughs at every Got Damn thing my dad says.  So she starts going on about my father needing to got to the doctors and her filling came out and he said id be there at five and BLAH BLAH BLAH he doesn't communicate BLAH BLAH BLAH. All this to say "go get your kid."

Argh.... and I was thirsty as hell for the CrabMan. Damn it.  But still I wanted to at least get a glimpse of his angelic self so I decide to grab Mini and head home and pack up the vidals and still meet CM at the train.  So I text back and forth and confirm his train arrival time when I get some goodnight love bullshit from Crab and some other inside jokey joke shit.

So one day I had told him about one of my daydreams of perching ontop of a building at his job and shooting any chick that even looks at him. 

So I told him stop texting that bitch to my phone and I was gonna take her out like a sniper when I find her.

He said oh yeah he forgot I was killing bitches.

Whoever she is she should be able to tell just by looking at his fine fine self that somewhere somebody is ready to wack her ass in the head with a henny bottle. And that somebody would be me.  The secaucus meadowlands swap area makes a nice resting place random work bitch.

Oh damn. now I need a new spot! Y'all won't rat me out riiiiiiiight?

*Singing* I Was Wondering Maybe...

I think I'm gonna request Crab as a Facebook friend cause he be writing some gooooood stuff!

I think he wants to be my Facebook friend! I'm pretty sure he wants me to be his facebook friend.

Y'all know I have been totally against. It's doing... The Unthinkable *GASPS*

Lacing up my running shoes

I'm scared! OMG I'm terrified! I am not sure what to do. I think I need to tell him to stop being so nice right now because I'm not sure I can handle falling in love with him and it not being completely reciprocated. We've talked about the pain a person goes through when their heart gets broken and if he truly loves me he won't want me to feel that so he will spare me the agony now.

Ohhh.... I want to RUN! FAST! Not from him. From these feelings for him. I wish I could put them in a plastic bag and drop them in one of those clothes donation bins and they will be nice and safe in there. I don't know if I can handle this! My throat is getting tight as I type this!

As my Mini would say...

IM FREAKIN OUT OVA HERE!

Am i becoming dare i say it... normal?

I don't understand what I'm feeling right now.  I kind of feel like I'm in the twilight zone. A good one though. Not a creepy one.

Let's start with the touching. I actually did it.  Granted he doesn't remember it b/c of the wine. But I remember it so clearly.  He was sitting in the chair and I was kneeling infront between his legs. He leaned forward and I laid my face on his chest. He rested his chin on the top of my head. His chest felt nice against my cheek.  He didn't feel well.  I knew he must have felt that spinning room feeling so I held on.  He held back. I knew it might help him feel grounded. He was breathing slowly and I was breathing with him. And I rubbed his back slowly. Every now and then kissing his neck.  And there was nothing awkard about it for me. Nothing.  At no point did I want to pull away. At no point did I worry and think he wanted me to stop. This is the first time I've hugged him in over a year. And I was sober.  And it was ok. Meaning I didn't freak out.  But being close to him was more than okay... it was... I don't know to explain it without sounding corny or cliche.  I don't want to cheapen it by not having the perfect word to describe it. So I'll just leave it at that.

I think I'm learning a healthy love.  Not just loving somebody just because. And not giving giving giving love for naught.  It feels like give and take.  I give him love and support and encouragement because I feel he deserves it and he gives it back. 

Here is something else that seems so small but to me it speaks volumes... while we were watching the movie Friday night I fell asleep. Repeatedly.  That is huge. For me to feel at ease enough to fall asleep. That is rare granted I never fell into a deep sleep and freaked at 5:40 and took off...  ok maybe I haven't really won that war yet. Maybe I just won the battle.  Or a fight...  I did fall asleep again.  On his bed which I rarely will lay on.  I climbed up on the bed and took a nap yesterday. So you know what... yeah I'm gonna give myself credit.  I'm becoming normal. Even as I lay here about to close the phone and nod off, part of me wishes I was laying with him.

Ok.  So this whole post has sent me into freak out mode.  But there's nowhere to run when you want to run from yourself.

I'm scared...

Perfection

Hey. I'm having a great weekend. No cupcake yesterday but I did have sashimi salmon and a grey goose martini and watched Gladiator and kept falling asleep and then... watched it again today and stayed awake and cried at the end and had a nice turkey sandwich and then a nice iced coffee from starbucks and then people watched.  All this done with Crab who's company I truly enjoy!

And it was all perfect for me. 

It's my Birthday!

Hey!

It's my BURF-DAAAAAAAY EEEEEOOOOW

I'm still thinking that I have reached some zen like part of life. I'm still feeling calm and even. And regardless of the fact that it's Twitter or Facebook, I'm still appreciating all of the birthday wishes. Even brought me to tears this morning (SHUT UP. I know everything brings me to tears. SO WHAT)

I'm going to go buy a cupcake for myself and I'm gonna get a candle for it too. Cause I wanna make a wish. And then I'm gonna go buy a relaxer and some weave! And I'm gonna give myself a touch up and new hur. And then I'm gonna go go "Just Be..."



with Crab.

I just thought about what I'm gonna wish for and it made me get all teary. And no its nothing silly and girly. Or superficial. I'm proud of myself because it was very mature. You're growing up DB... nice...

I'm grateful for another year and hopeful for many more after this one. And I'm glad I'm still in my early thirties. :)

You Got It You Got It Bad

For those of you who actually read my tweets you already know that I'm having the hardest time concentrating today. I thought maybe a little blogging might help. You know how you just really want to tell somebody something and then it wont haunt you anymore? Well Y'all are my somebodies!

I'm not sure that these studies of how many times men think about sex in comparison to how many times women think about it are accurate. I think about it about every 4-5 minutes. NO LIE. And I only think about Crab! I have flashbacks. All day. I wish I could have a simple way to record it. I would never remember to write it down. There are too many moments. Today I keep thinking about yesterday. Yesterday I kept thinking about Saturday/Sunday.

I've been thinking it was probably easier to concentrate when I used to go see him every morning before work. Then maybe I got to handle that early so I would have to think about it all day. It really is a problem. It's like I wake up from these daydreams and have no idea how long I've been staring ahead blankly (Blankly. Word? Not a word? I don't care...) Like have I been sitting here 30 seconds thinking about his face when it feels good? Or was it more like 5 minutes thinking about his face. How my hands feel on his chest. The ripples down his stomach. How I went further down than I ever have yesterday. Did he feel it? I think he did cause I think I heard him feel it. I yawned last night. I haven't done that in a long time. He likes it when I yawn. He can't tell when I'm doing though. But I can tell he feels it. Or the angles. He was on some angles I've never had before the other night! Two thumbs up CrabMan! Sigh... You see. This is ALL DAY LONG. Then sometimes it will move to Love. I think about how much I love him. I might even get a little teary eyed (cause y'all know I be emotional and crying and shit). This is all day everyday. I can't concentrate. In a couple of days it will be 2 years since we met. See... Out of nowhere... Who the hell was talking about when we met?

I got it bad...
Still

HEY! I just published this and came back because....

THAT WASN'T EVEN WHAT I CAME TO WRITE ABOUT!

UGH!

SEE?!?!?!

Anyway. So my birthday is Friday and so far I know that Sis, Echo(can't remember if I gave her a nickname but I'm sure we've mentioned her. She's one of my best friends) and Angel and I are going out. Echo is simple. Not simple stupid. Simple easy to please. So when she asked where we were going to for my birthday her suggestions were Olive Garden or a Fundraiser for her daughter's dance school. My answers were No and No. Anyone who knows me knows I despise Chain restaurants. Red Lobster, Olive Garden, TGI Fridays, Applebees, Outback.. I could go on... No? Ok. You get the point. So Echo and I talked a little bit and decided to go to the Hibachi place for the b-day. I told Crab and he was all... No. He has some places in mind and that he wants me to have fun for once. He still hasn't told me what these places are. Chances are my ass will end up at Arirang Hibachi on Route 22 just like I said...

Angel wants to go to the city (NYC). Angel, I don't think I've mentioned before. Angel is a friend of Echo's. She's Drop dead gorgeous. And she hangs with celebrities and video vixens. She's invited me a couple of places none of which I've actually gone but I promised to go to her New Years party! I think it's going to be a good time. Crab said he'll come

-_- We shall see


Anyways... I'm thinking that she be my next pretty broad to hang with. But I will have to increase the cash flow b/c hanging with Angel will be more expensive than my usual spots. But I'm sure Angel definitely attracts drinks! She's so pretty! But I'm thinking is that messed up to become hangout friends with a friend of a friend? I mean she introduced us and is always saying she wants us (the three of us) to hang out. But Echo has a gang of kids. She can never go out. Her husband doesn't let that happen. Plus she's homely looking. But she's simple so she doesn't realize it anyway. But would that be foul to start hanging independently with Angel? BTW Crab has his own opinions about Angel. But we can save that for another day.

Spooning

Well.  Since I've been gone...

I feel closer to Crab than ever.  I am slowly opening up.  Its hard.  The other night I laid with him (which is something I've never done). It was nice after I relaxed.  I kept getting scared and id start to get up.  Then he'd ask if I was okay and id lay back down.  As I laid there I kept saying to myself, "its Crab... its okay. He's your best friend. Its okay. Relax. What are you scared of?"

I really liked it. His skin on my cheek, his arm around me.  I hope we can do it more often.  I liked holding him. And being held.  There were moments when I felt so safe.  And get this... I was completely sober! I usually drink in an effort to let go and not be afraid to feel.  But its never actually worked.  Who would have thought that the time I would allow myself to feel would be completely alcohol free? I think he liked it too.  Things just feel different. Nice.. you know...

So my birthday is Friday. I have no idea what I will do. I was supposed to hang with these dudes from my building Slim and Suspect but I don't think I will cuz they want to go somewhere I have no interest in.  Well Suspect does at least and he has a bit of an overwhelming personality. Besides hanging out with a gang of dudes might not be a good look.

I'm pretty happy right now! I'm so glad to come back in a positive way. Anyways. I'll get back at you all mañana!