I

Love

That's all.  Goodnight

Who Doesn't Like Free?

The day went just fine. I picked Crab up from the train. We hung out for a little bit. Everything was (seemed) cool. We talked about the extra twitter. I told him I was bored with it and wanted to delete it. He agreed. It was fun for a couple of days.

Ok. So. I don't have the best judgement or make the best choices sometimes. Especially when it comes to getting free food and drinks from random men. I like free things. And I hate paying to go out. I never spend money when I go out and if I do, I'm pissed. Sometimes when it comes to getting these things I don't think about the reprocusions. Like Men expecting a followup phone number, or them not leaving me alone and guarding a two foot radius of my body like a pitbull, or offending the person you are involved with (Crab) by flirting in front of them just to get drinks and food.

So there is this guy, Shorty. He's a really nice guy. Like super nice! And I met him about a year ago at the Spot and we talked for a long time. I see him from time to time and we say hello. Well Saturday he chilled and talked to me and Sis the whole time we were there. We live about 20 minutes outside of Manhattan and I mentioned how I never go. He said that he'd take us to the city (that's what Jerseyans call NY) this weekend. So he and I had exchanged emails last year so he emailed me and said Friday. I talked to Sis and she's down but that's when I started thinking... I have no intentions with Shorty other than to get a night in the city for free. He's cool though! I wouldn't mind being friends. But... that is sticky. Is it worth it? When Crab and I got back to his house Saturday night he asked about the convo with Shorty. He remembers him from before. I vaguely remember telling him Shorty wanted to take Sis and I to the city. He said he didn't see why he would want to take us both and reminded me that dude may be interested. I called Crab a few minutes ago and told him about my self assesment. He said it isn't too big of a deal especially since I've taken note of it myself. I agree. So I'm going to stop getting free drinks and food from people. o_O (I'm even giving myself the side eye)

I'm wondering how today is gonna go...

I think by the time I got off the phone with him last night he'd changed his mind about wanting to see me but by then it was too late. Mini would be home at any minute.

More than ever I want to hug him and kiss him now. But does that seem guilty? I want his trust back.

Sad

Ok so... last night two mistakes

Mistake #1 I went to The Spot.  Now we all know I pretty much am banned from there. Every now and then I get a pass for special occassions like birthday dinners for people I know... things like that.  But I'm not supposed to go. I went. On top of that I didn't tell him I was going so when he was walking up to the door.

Mistake #2
There I was outside talking to a dude.  He walked past me without as much as a head nod.  I told dude I was talking to "that was my man!  Oh he's mad.  I gotta go". So I went back inside and sat my ass down.  He was angry when we got back to his house.  I pled my case.  He said I should have told dude he was my man the second I saw him and said "Hey Baby" before he walked past me.  I told him that I did tell dude he was my man but Crab felt that I should have done it right then and there.  Too little too late.

Granted the whole scene was shady I was tipsy hanging out at his place in front with a dude with obvious flirting going on. But I pled my case. Then we moved on. Insert last nights breakthrough post.

Today. He stalled on me coming over. I'll call you back in a minute.  When I pressed and said "don't you want to see me?"  He raised his voice at me and said "What did I say?!"  I waited two hours. Finally he calls. 

C: yeah
M: Mini will be home soon.  What you didn't want to see me?
C: No I didn't

I pled my case some more.

He didn't believe me.
At all.

I hate when people I love aren't happy with me. Hate it.

Quickie Post

I can't wait to go to Crab's today!  I'm gonna wear a new outfit for him. And he said we are gonna do everything.

That means EVERYTHING!

I have to prepare! I need to do my nails and hair.  I have dinner cooking now too!  So imma feed him and fuck him. Or fuck him and feed him either or.  Whatever order he likes. 

I love our Sundays.  Its the perfect way to start the week! Although its been a month since he's given me that dick!  So I'm sure I will be hurting tomorrow. But there's nothing like being sore as a perfect reminder of what you did the night before.  I better go shave and shower!

Breakthrough

Oh Nony you would be so proud of me.  I totally let my guard down 100%! It felt so good!  For the first time IN TWO YEARS I kissed him passionately.  Its been two years! He was shocked. Pleasantly I think.

He's such a good kisser too!

It felt so good.

I kissed him and I touched him

And

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

I hugged him

And I let myself feel love for him.

I looked in his eyes.

And I smiled at him.

And I wasn't afraid.

And he asked what brought this on.  And I told him

I'm not afraid anymore

And he told me

You shouldn't be

Tonight I'm going to sleep peacefully.  I've finally come to the bridge and I crossed it.  It was spontaneous. It wasn't contrived of planned.  It was real.

Thank you universe for finally putting me in a place where I can feel freely. Thank you!

I feel like I've broken free!

I'm free

I Confess!

Ok I just lied.  I'm not going to hug him.  Can't do all that.  But I'll do something like pull him in for a second kiss when I kiss him goodbye.