What if... I wasn't crazy

So I've been thinking a lot about what ifs lately. Not necessarily regrets... but what if I was not so scared of rejection. Where would I be. And im talking past what ifs and present what ifs.

Like what if I wasn't scared to show people (men specifically) how I felt. What if I wasn't scared to initiate a hug or a kiss? Like right now, if I initiated a kiss I probably debated it in my head, counted to 5, then said "Ok really on 5 this time!" before I actually acted. Would something in the past that was casual and fleeting have grown into an amazing relationship. Or would I have been pushed away only to become me even more terrified of opening myself up to rejection. Would that night that I jumped up threw my clothes on and ran like a bat out of hell had been an amazing night together, that led to more amazing nights?

Now don't get me wrong, this is not regret because every thing I have done thus far in life has led me to this very exact moment. And I honestly do appreciate every moment I have good and bad. But I just wonder what would have been. Who would I have been? Would I still be me, just not me in desperate need of affection. Would I be in good hug standing? My touches would linger my kisses be soft and not stiff quick pecks. I would be close enough to hear or feel someone's heartbeat. I love that. Heartbeats...

When I'm at Crab's I almost always have a drink. And it's not that I'm an alcoholic. Seriously... I'm not. But I love being able to look him in the eyes and not look away. Or touch him for more of than 4 seconds. And those are regular count, not those one - One thousand, two - One thousand, 3 (you get the point) seconds. I like being able to open my mouth and honest to G-d unfiltered Me comes out. I like that.

If I could let go would I fantasize about sex more than I do just being held. Cause I do you know... I fantasize about touching and holding freely. I fantasize about touching someone for more than the aforementioned 4, 3, 2, 1 OK that's enough.

And get this, I drink so I can and then, later when I'm sober I beat myself up about it. I cringe to think of how I allowed myself to be vulnerable. How I didn't look away. How I reached further and pulled closer. I feel ashamed of being so openly affectionate. I feel foolish. Foolish (repeated so you know I mean it!) But it feels so good in the moment. And I want it. And I want it sober without my muscles stiffening. It's confusing.

What if someone said "It's ok, if you hug me I'm not going to run. I actually like it." Could I do it? Am I capable? Or would I still be too scared? And you know what just ran through my head after writing that? "No one wants you hugging them"

I'm sick. I'm so craaaaazy!

The Battle Hyme of the Internal Housewife

I think I was born to be a housewife. I've always wanted to be a housewife. Even when I was little that is what I wanted to be for halloween. I was a housewife for about six months and I was good at it. The problem was I didn't get the praise that I did from work after a good job. But I swear if I had a husband that said "That new shower curtain looks nice" or "I liked the chicken" at least once a month I'd be happy. I may get some slack for this but. I love having the laundry done and making sure my man's shirts are ironed. I love making sure that my family always has new meals to eat and paying attention to what they like and don't like. I love our backyard being where the kids play and watching them from the window above the kitchen sink. I love having time to do my hair regimine so I look nice when he gets home and I love having the food just coming out of the oven fresh and hot while he's changing his clothes from work. I'm good at it too. I love to take care of home.

I'm good at my job. I am. But the thing is this. I care too much. I always want to do a good job and make people proud of me, but being in the working world I am giving this drive to the wrong people. They don't deserve my dedication. They could care less. If I die tomorrow they would say a few nice things. The couple of people I actually KNOW. They'd probably send out an email. A few people say "Oh..." Most would say "Who's that" And then they would log onto ihirerealestate.com (yup that's what site they use) and start looking for a replacement.

The people who I really want to please, who I really want to be proud of me, they could never replace me. They would miss the way I tickle their feet to wake them up in the morning, or call them sunshine whenever I answer their calls, or miss the extra side of corn I make cause I know they like it. That's who's approval I want and crave. Those are the people that I wish I could spend 24 hours making happy, making comfortable, making full, making proud. I wish I could say I couldn't care less about the others but I need the money they put in my acccount every two weeks. But they don't deserve me. Because most things I do with love and a genuine care. No matter how big, or how small a care. Be it helping my son brush his teeth or... well... you know.... ;) And I realize any care they show at work is just a part of those dumbass GraceHill.com web training things that we have to take. And after they display that "care" they are going to write you up and call it "couseling" for using a PTO to stay home when your son has a snow day.

So yeah. I gotten written up and/or "counseled".

I <3 flashbacks... Sigh

My Bestie... Drunk Me

So I was just telling a friend I love Drunk Me. 

 

Me and Drunk Me could hang out.  Maybe.  But drunk me isn't trying to be up under a bunch of chicks, so she may not even really want to chill with me. 

Drunk Me makes no apologies.  Well she does, but only if saying sorry will get her closer to what she wants.

Drunk Me makes the craziest faces (often a smirk and an upward side eye) because Drunk Me cracks herself up on the inside. She's FUCKING HILARIOUS!  In my opinion

Drunk Me always has an agenda!  I swear she can't just chill.  She always has something on her mind that she wants and HATES it if she doesn't get her way.

Drunk Me sends crazy texts that she doesn't even re-read once before pressing send. Usually in connection to not getting her way

Drunk Me gives chicks nasty looks. Sometimes without knowing... other times perfectly well aware.

Drunk Me bosses my friends around and is the leader.  Yup.  Drunk Me tells those bitches what to do.

Drunk Me will and wants to do everything sexually deviant

Drunk Me has no concept of time and doesn't get sleepy or tired.

Being Drunk Me is like being in a time lapse video.  Drunk Me only remembers the important details.  The good details.

I think some people don't like Drunk Me but I like her.  Drunk Me lets Me Me be free!

Sick and Tired... No literally... Sick and Tired

UGH!  Yesterday was pure hell.  I have dsymenorreah (painful periods) which has recently morphed into the severe catergory.  It's like having the flu and food poisening at the same time one day a month.  But I swear yesterday felt like someone was trying to poison me. 

 

Whenever I get sick I always end up feeling so lonely and wanting my mother.  I called her.  She said she was going to call me back and then forgot.  That did not help with the lonely feeling.  But I never had anyone to take care of me when I was sick so it's strange for sickness to bring loneliness.  Even with my ex.  He didn't give a shit if I was sick.  I had gotten food poisoning once and Mini was a baby.  It was Christmas Eve.  So my best friend had to come and take Mini because I couldn't take care of him.  That doesn't sound strange.  But it isn't like his father didn't live in the same apartment.  So if he wouldn't even take care of him he damn sure wasn't taking care of me. 

 

But Mini is such a good little boy when I'm sick which also helps the loneliness.  I had to have a friend pick him up for me.  He came in.  Rubbed my head kissed me and told me don't worry I didn't have to get up.  He would make his dinner.  He got some pizza bites, put them on a plate in the microwave and asked what numbers to press.  And when they were done he took them in his room and ate.  At some point I woke up and panicked because I hadn't heard any noise.  I called out to him - nothing.  So I dragged myself into his room and he had put on pajamas and put himself to bed. 

 

I always tell myself to stop being such a baby when I feel lonely though because I'm not the only single person in the world without someone to take care of them when they're sick.  And to be honest with you I really wouldn't want anyone to see me looking like that anyway.  I looked like dude.... what's his name.... the reggae dude who bleached his skin.... Vybz Kartel

 

 

Yeah.... That's what I was looking like

 

Procrastination Post

I should be cleaning but instead I was just reading a post over at CG's and one part kind of stood out to me. The part about how after being with someone for a while you begin to see their flaws and I guess your love is lessened for the person. I don't know but I've always loved the things about people I'm with that annoy me. I know that seems to make absolutely no sense. But when I love I love hard and totally. I love the flaws that make you who you are. I always smile a little because whatever it is that person just did that I find to be strange or irritating reminds me that they are who they are and they are who I love. And if I find that i don't love your flaws I know that I don't love you like I thought I did. I mean maybe its just me. Maybe when I fall I'm just stupid in love. But its when I don't love your flaws and I hate to see you smile the love is gone. I don't know...

A Quickie

I know that I've been know to write like three and four entries a day.  Being that I've been gone for a while I feel I really need to get back into the swing of things so I don't want to miss a day, however I haven't got much going on at that moment.  You know I have emotional highs and extreme lows specifically in matters of the heart.  But at the moment my heart is at peace.

 

So I don't need to cry or complain.  Just smile.  I'm happy.  Well... my heart is happy right now.  And considering I am extremely stressed at the moment over finances having a happy heart helps!