Blah blah blah

Hey! I hope you all had a great holiday. Mine was nice. Just chilled at home. Cooked for me Mini and Crab.

I told Crab about how I posted about love and how amazing it was and he was like "Remember how you used to say how that kind of  love wasn't real?" I do remember. And I was thinking of how  counterproductive it is to put that negative energy out. Especially to the one you want. I was lucky enough to run into someone with the  strength and patience to want to change my mind.  But a lot of people probably would have taken that negative energy and decided not to try with me. 

On another note, Homeboy called while I was with Crab yesterday. I showed Crab who was calling first then I answered the phone. It went something like this.

M: Hello
H: Hey. What are you doing?
M: Nothing. I'm at Crab's house.
H: Why are you there?!
M: Because he's my boyfriend and we're watching tv....
H: He's  your boyfriend now? When did this happen?
M: I don't know. It just happened. I can't tell you a date or anything.
H: Wow! He finally got some sense huh? Can you talk?
M: yeah.

So we commenced to talking about Christmas and work...

H: Back to Crab being your boyfriend. When did this happen?
M: I don't know. It just morphed into it I guess.
H: I'm just really surprised. I never thought it would happen.
M: Why? I'm a good woman.
H: No. I know you are. I just...  I just didn't think that's what you wanted.
M: I wasn't going to be single forever.
H: Yeah I know. Well congratulations. I'm happy for you.

So we talked a little more.

When I hung up I told Crab I talked to him to show him he wasn't a factor. That there was no reason for me not to be able to have a conversation with him.  Crab agreed. I also pointed out to Crab that even though I hadn't talked to Homeboy in forever he was still like "Why are you over there?!" That's something Crab always questioned me about. How could Homeboy get upset about things if we weren't in a relationship. He felt it just didn't add up. But yesterday he got to see that he does. There's no explanation for it.  He always thought that the way homeboy used to get jealous seemed like Homeboy and I had more of a sexual relationship than I admitted to. Now he sees that's not true. He just acts jealous because that's what he does. Means nothing.  I'm glad I could show him this. It's always a point of contention between us.  And it always bothered me that Crab thought I wasnt being honest.  So i feel a tad bit vindicated.

One more thing...

I'm not in the business of giving advice
But, if I can just say this... Wait for love. Don't waste your time trying to get someone to love you. Because love that is given freely is amazing. Amazing!

Quickie

My heart is so full it feels like it's gonna burst!

She Who Runs The Kitchen...

Hey Hey Hey!  I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas!

I did!  Nothing for adults!  I only bought for kids.  I got Mini a Kindle Fire.  He loved it. Of course Santa brought him gifts too, but it's my tradition to make the most expensive gift be from me.  Last night before we went to sleep he said he had a great Christmas.  He said he loved my present and the presents from his grandparents not just because they were good presents but because they came from people he loved.  I love it when he says things like that.  When he gets it!  You know?

In other news...  things are still great with me and Crab. The thing is we share all aspects of our lives.  And even though I only live 5-10 minutes away, it becomes a hassle   Cooking here, packing it up bringing it there.  Stopping here, getting this from there to go back over here... Shoes and clothes in trunk so that I can change while there, if I need to.  It's really exhausting.  I'm not trying to move in or anything.  I have a toothbrush and contact solution.  I need to to put a bottle of my face wash in the bathroom.  He mentioned I should bring a change of clothes.  But my dad kind of brought something up a couple of weeks ago.  He called while I was there and we're talking and he says

D: Are you at Crab's house
M: Yeah but I'm about to leave because I need to go cook dinner.
D: Why don't you just cook there?
M: Well... it's kind of bacherlory.  He doesn't
D: Have all the accouterments?
M: Yeah.....
D: Well you need to go out and stock the kitchen with what you need then.
M: Daddy.  I don't want him to think I'm trying to move in
(Mind you Crab is sitting right next to me)

When I hung up the phone I told Crab "I think my dad is trying to move me in with you!"

Ever since Thanksgiving my parents (meaning my dad and his fiance) consider Crab part of the family.  They looooove him!

So Anyway..... I digress (as I often do)

I was talking to Crab the other day and I had mentioned how exhausting all the running back and forth is and I said "It really would make sense for me... to... you know... um... sometimes... uh... cook here."
C: Yeah.

Oh My God you guuuuuuuys......

He's totally cool with me cooking at his house.........  He even brought it up himself this morning!  He must want me to cooooook theeeeeere...  And I don't know about you but the scent of food cooking really makes a place feel like home to me.

Like that is huge to me!  It feels very.... like... close.  Like cooking in his kitchen seems so, togetherish! Right? I mean we are together.  But that's SO together.  Like not to sound sexist or anything, but the kitchen in a home is like a woman's domain.  I mean especially in a home where the man doesn't cook.  It feels like him giving me reign over the kitchen is like me sticking a flag at the top of a mountain.  Like, "DunDunDunDuuuuuuun!  Today I declare this man and his kitchen mine!!!!!!!!!"

OMG!!!  While I type this I'm listening to a podcast and the woman just said
"She who runs the kitchen runs the world"

Yes!  That's what I'm talking about!  I'm bout to run this world!

Creep Creep Creep

Hmmmmm.....

A couple of weekends ago I went out and saw this girl and I thought she was cute so I went over and started to talk to her about hair and how cute her hair was blah blah blah.  I tell her to come and sit with me.  So she came and sat and we talked girlie stuff.  She told me the guy she came with was waiting for her but don't worry about it, he could wait.  I look up and Dude is standing outside, just staring in the window.  I smile at him and wave hi and he grimaced and shook his head no!  LMAO!

I went over to Crab and said "I found a girl I like!"  So I go back over and talk a little.  Crab came over and I  introduced her to him.  I'm all "Isn't he cute!?"  So we exchange numbers and instagrams.  For the next couple of days we texted... you know  Hey boo!  and WYD?  Stuff like that.  I'm not much of a texter probably because I drive a lot.  So texting is difficult for me.  Anyway.... so eventually I got tired of texting and I say "We should have a drink Wednesday!"  she responds "Oh ok".  So Wednesday comes (day before Thanksgiving).   I text her WYD?  No response.  And I haven't heard from her since.

Oh Well.  I wonder why.  Did it seem Like I was hitting on her?  I didn't want to seem like a creepy dude...

You know how dudes can be creepy....

And the Gub'ment wrote me a letter.  They messed up.... They owe me some more money!  BAM!

Mama's boy

I am for the most part very motherly to the men in my life.  I like to make sure they eat.  Buy their undershirts.  Make them soup when they're sick.  It's almost like I need it it as much as they do.  I have to have someone to take care of.

Crab lost his mother pretty suddenly.  It's been sometime but I don't think he's still not finished grieving her death.  We talk about her a lot.  About the day she died.  I know he was crushed.  For years after he had panic attacks.

I'm sure they had a really special relationship. From all the stories he's told me I've been able to imagine them shopping in the city on the weekends and getting a burger at a diner.  Or how she wasn't super affectionate, but when he was little she'd come in his room while he was sleeping and kiss him and hug him. It's nice to hear how special those moments were to him.  Probably because I do that with Mini.  Mini is a mama's boy and I think Crab must have been too.  When I was talking to his ex-wife the other day she said "Crab needs to be with someone who is going to mother him.  That's what I did.  That's what you do.  He needs that."

A lot of how I care for him is from a mother's point of view.  I think of how would I want my son to be loved and treated by his girlfriend/wife when I'm gone.  I want someone who is going to be a haven to him.  Someone who provides him with a safe place to be vulnerable.  So even though I've never met his mother, I always think of her and her peace of mind knowing that her youngest is loved and nurtured.  I do it for her.  Who knows.  I'm not always sure what I believe about an after life, but just in case, I take care to make sure that if she is looking down on us she's smiling.

Jeopardy

Oh I forgot to add....

I rejoined my lodge.  The lodge where MD is...

Crab voiced some concern.

I assured him everything would be fine.

I went to a party Saturday.  I was nervous that I'd see him but he wasn't there. I know it will be hard BUT

BUT

I FOUND LOVE.  REAL LOVE.

I would never ever jeopardize it.

Right?

Right.

Hello Hello!

Hey guys.  I'm so sorry I've been MIA.  I guess nothing really significant has been going on until recently I guess

I had a great Thanksgiving!  Guess what.... Crab came to Thanksgiving dinner at my dad's house!  We had such a good time.  Everyone LOVED him and he loved everyone.  We stayed until almost 1 am!  It was the first time I ever brought a man with me.  EVER.  Not even my husband would come.  So it was just really new and exciting all the way around!  We sat around the table and drank and cracked up ALL NIGHT! I'm smiling just typing about it!

Did I tell you about Hurricane Sandy?  I don't think so but we decided to spend the storm together, me Crab and Mini.  We got food and movies and hunkered down at Crab's house.  The next day lots of people were without power.  But CRab wasn't so it went from Me Crab and Mini to 

Me, Crab, Mini, Daughter #1 and her three kids and her boyfriend and his kid, Daughter #2 and her kid, Son and Ex-wife.  Yup!  It wasn't terrible though.  And Ex-Wife and I really like each other so it was ok.  But after 1 night of it I had to go home.  It was just too crowded.  But it was really nice to get to see the ex-wife and talk with her a little more.  We really do get along great.  I ran into her Sunday morning and she invited us to go to a holiday party with her and her husband.  I'm sure Crab will never go for that!

So yesterday I had a moment.  I came over and brought breakfast   We ate.  He fell asleep.  And I felt like "I guess I should go" so I got up to leave and he's like

C:  What's wrong?

M: Nothing.  I'm gonna go to Target.

C:  For what?

M: I don't know, I just feel like I should go somewhere.  I don't want to disturb you.

C: You're not disturbing me.  I want you to be here. (Turns over goes back to sleep)

I sit for a second. Just watching TV, then all of the sudden tears.  I mean lots of tears start streaming down my face. To hear someone say:

I Want You To Be Here

It was.  I don't know.  I just feel.  It's just an amazing feeling to be wanted back.

I'm ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey! Just giving a little, I'm still breathing post.

Survived Sandy.  With electricity.  Me and Crab.  Mini and I stayed at his house, because I always want to be with him when it storms.  But this time I let it be known.  I stocked the house and we bunkered down until...

His ex wife'spower went out.  And his daughter's. So we ended up with

1. Ex
2.Crab Jr
3. Flip (youngest daughter)
4. Cheeks (grandson - Flip's 10 month hold)
5. The other one (oldest daughter - cant remember what I named her)
6. Tude (granddaughter - The other one's 8yo)
7. LilMan (grandson - The other one's 4yo)
8.Teeny (grandson - The other one's 5wk old)
9. Dude (the other one's boyfriend/Teny's  father)
10. Extra (the boyfriend's 7yo)

So my halfway romantic stormed in  thing went down the drain.
My job was closed for a week so THAT was great!

In other news...milestone

I think I knows he loves me back just as much.

Also...  The Body Shop's Tea Tree line cleared my face up.  It had broken out something TERRIBLE.  Bad enough I didn't want to go out. So if you have problem skin I highly recommend it.  Now I just need to lose this weight I've gained!

My Pen Pal

I never check my mail.  My aunt sends me checks all the time and has to call me to say

"Check the mail!"

But ever since my pen pal Internal R. Service has been writing me... I run every day to see if I gotten another loverly letter.

FUCK YOU! PAY ME!

Dolla Dolla Bill Y'all

I don't really have much to talk about!  I could be all Blah Blah Blah I love him.  Blah Blah Blah I want to be with him all the time.  Blah Blah Blah Blah Crab...

But

I don't feel like it.

I'm tired of talking about him to you guys for a while.

On another note... Guess what happened today?

The Gub'ment mailed my check! 

YESZIR!  

I want to spent 8 hours acting Nword-rific.  You know... buy something completely impractical and blast some Weezy while do it.  

Like Kid Fury style

(I swear I'm doing this in the grocery store in my head.  And I guarantee that you will too now)

But mostly I'll be paying for a little vacay for me Mini and Crab.  We're going to go to Universal Studios cause Mini wants to go.  And Christmas gifts.  Then the rest is going away.

  

LURKING

Sigh....

I wish I could get Crab kicked off Instagram FO-EVVVVAAAAA!!!!!!
I knew it was gonna be a problem. For years I never became Facebook friends with him.  He was always really into Facebook.  Definitely a lot more than me.  Like to hear him say "I was on facebook and...." was not uncommon.  He is very sensitive about his social media goings on too.  So that was just one reason I didn't want to be his FB friend.  Cause make the wrong comment on "His Page" and BaaaayBaaaay.... hmph...  And I'm a jokester and I definitely like to antagonize my friends.  So he would not have liked me and my FB comments.  I was FB friends with him for a couple of days when it was his Bday because he likes the Bday messages but then I unfriended him b/c I HATED his FB.  And I got on on his son's bday so that I could like his happy birthday posts to him and wish him happy birthday.  But I HATE HIS FB.

And the primary reason that I don't want to interact with him social medialy is because...

I'm a jealous Monster!  Yup I'm irrational. I am paranoid.  I am exaggeratory. I'm hot headed.  I have an over active imagination.

And I know all of these things about myself.  But it is not enough to just know these things about yourself.  You must be able to CONTROL them.  And that's the problem.  Because you start to question if it is real or not.  If you ignore it will you regret in the future.  Just like someone who hears voices.  They've been diagnosed with schizophrenia but what if this is the ONE time the voice is real and they really should sacrifice the cat to the God of Cotton Candy and his army of flying pigs?  Then you ignore it cause society tells you you're crazy.  But what if the voices were real! Then what!?!?
Ya know?
Like what if that chick on Instagram really did mean "I want to make passionate love to you.  Buy me a ticket to NJ from CA so we can hook up", when she wrote "Good Morning!  Have a good day!"  What if I ignore it and they think they got one over on me with their "Good Morning" codes.

So when IG first became available to us lowly android users we followed each other.
It'll be fun I said (to myself)
No Problem (I told myself)

I LIED

Since the beginning I have blocked, been blocked, followed, unfollowed, been followed, been unfollowed and now, I don't follow.  I'm not followed but...

I STALK

in the morning I want to know what shenanigans were going on on IG while I was sleeping and he was awake (he's awake most of the night so I know he must have been up to Instafuckery)

After I sit down at my desk I stalk because I know that he must have been up to something after he called to wake me up and I while I got dressed and drove to work.   I rarely stalk during the day because I know he's sleeping.  But at around 4pm.  I stalk because I know his granddaughter gets off of the school buss at around 3:30 so he may have been up to something between 3:30 and 4:00.  Mind you there is rarely anything to see.  I'm stalking for comments from his followers

@InstaSkank : oh @Crab you're so crazy

@me How dos this skank know he's so crazy?  Stupid YOU DON/T EVEN KNOW HIM

@InstaHoe: @Crab good morning Sweetie

@me:  This Hoe has about one more time to Good Morning Sweetie before I say something

@InstaSkeezer:  You know you are so sexy in hats @Crab can we get more hat pics
@Crab: Thanks love @InstaSkeezer.  If you keep pressing that like button!
@InstaSkeezer: Oh you know that!

@me: Oh yeah?  Really? Really?

There was a time when I would call him up and go bat shit crazy.  Now I suck it up and swallow it. (Typical me huh.  Literally.  I'm so nasty) . I don't do that anymore.  But if he asks what issues I have with it I go on a rant and then say.

But I don't care.  I don't care.  Do you!  Have fun!  I'm real life! I don't care.  I'm not even gonna look anymore.

And I mean it. Until later. And then
I STALK
And he knows I do because one time...
I accidentally liked a picture.
GASP!

Babble

Ok so I think I've come up with one thing that you all don't actually know about me.  And it may be surprising  Or maybe not.  I don't know... Anyway

If I haven't been drinking, people flirting or coming on to me FREAKS ME OUT.  Like I start looking like I'm gonna break off running any second.

Like one day I ran into the grocery store and Crab was waiting in the car.  When I was walking back to the car and old man mumbled to me and I think I started walking all fast and crazy and I guess I got a crazy scared look on my face. When I got to the car...

C: What's the matter with you?  Why do you look all scary?
M: That man just said "Hi Baby to me"
C: So what? What is wrong with you.  Like he's gonna do something...
M: I don't know.. It makes me nervous.

I do this when men are like

"How you doin sweetheart"
(SAY HOW ARE YOU QUICKLY - WALK FAST!)

or

"Good Morning Beautiful"
(PUT HEAD DOWN SAY HI - WALK FAST)

So lately it seems like some dude is trying to initiate conversation on Twitter.  Makes me nervous.  Isn't that what Twitter is for?  NO!  The only People I speak to on Twitter are Freckles, UN, Mo, Noni, Sunshinestar101, Ugly Clean Broke and a few friends from highschool and College.  You see.  I'm not Twitter social.  So then I was like... Maybe he's phising for convo.  Go to his tweets... nope.  I'm the only person he's @ing.  So I'm just gonna ignore him and he'll stop I guess.

Ok so there's my little bit of babble for the day.  I'm gonna see what'll the crew is up to!

Perfection

So Birthday was a success!  It was exactly what I wanted.  Exactly!

It's so frustrating not being able to put my feelings into words.  I feel like no matter what I say no one will ever be able to know how happy I am.  And I KNOW I'm happy because life is ROUGH right now.  And still I'm elated.  Truly warm and fuzzy on the inside.  I say this because I want to tell you all about my night.  But I just don't think I convey it completely.

So I guess my night started around 5 pm.  I put on a pair of leggings, a tank top and a big pink sweatshirt.  This was all planned.  Leggings and warmth was a big part of my plan.  My anemia makes me really cold.  So cold that in the winter I sit in front of the heater before touching Crab because my body is freezing to the touch.  I'm like cuddling a piece of cold raw chicken from the fridge. So I really just wanted my body to be warm.  I had a nice pair of fuzzy socks.  So I go to Crab's and we sit around for a little it bit and then I we ordered the food.  It took about an hour from the time I called the restaurant until the time I got back with the food.



Sooooo... first we watched James Bond Dr. No.

And laughed and talked then we watched North by Northwest with Cary Grant and we ate and drank.  

And boy did we drink!  The two of us killed off a whole bottle of Johnny Walker Double Black!  IT was SO GOOD!

Then we watched season 1 and 2 of The Chappelle Show. And then we watched The Streets is Watching.

And then we did it!  HaHa!  And it was good!  And I was kissing him and looking him in the face and TALKING

Yes Gawd!  I was!  I was TALKING!

And I ended up saying at 7am "I'm going to sleep now."  and at some point hearing "Are you cold" as he put another blanket over me. :) 

So my birthday was perfect. As simple as it sounds, it was just heaven.  And I try to tell him how happy these things make me.  How just completely thrilled I am, and excited to spend every minute I spend with him.  And I don't think he gets it.  Because this is just little little things to him.  He hates it that the money is gone.  That he can't do the things he likes to do with his girlfriend. But I so want him to stop thinking about that.  I want him to be able to enjoy  how happy he makes me without trips and gucci shoes...  I don't even need expensive shoes because I 'm clumsy and trip a lot and scuff and scrape up my shoes terribly!  I'd feel awful ruining a pair of really expensive shoes.

So anyway.  Thanks for reading.

Blah Blah Blah....

I am currently in a period of time that I absolutely hate to not be with Crab.  I hate when I go to see him after work and then I have to leave to go get Mini and go cook.  And while I'm cooking I can't wait until I'm done so that I can take him dinner.  And when I kiss him goodbye to leave after a quick 30 seconds - 2 minutes of time I'm sad.  And all night I miss him.  Every show I watch I feel like he is missing from the other end of the couch when something is funny or shocking or confusing... Movies,

Then I talk to him a couple of times and I wait.  I wait for 8:50 pm when he leaves and talks to me on his way yo the gym.

Have a good workout!  I say and then...

I wait.  I wait for 10:05 for him to talk to me on his way home from the gym.

M: Did you have a good workout?
C: Yeah.  I did mostly my chest
M:  Mmmmm Thank you!
C: laughs

Then we talk a few more times before I go to sleep.  And the next morning if he doesn't call to wake me up I wait until he wakes up to go to the bathroom.

I want to be with him CONSTANTLY....  COOOOOONSTANTLY! This is crazy.  I needed to talk to someone about this.  So I pick up the phone and text

I gotta talk to you about something

Phone Rings

Yup!  Of course I go to him to talk about these strange feelings I'm having

M: I expected you to text me back... Um.... Not call...
C: Whats the matter?
M: Uh... I... uh... nothing... nothing bad.
C: Oh
M: It's just that I always want to be with you.  Like all the time!  I hate to leave you.  I hate it.  And I just miss you so bad all the time.
C: That's weird.  That's not even like you.

(I'm sure you all will think it's like me but I'm a lot more transparent here in blog world.  In real world I can be a little cold.  Not very warm and fuzzy and I'm a loner.  I love to be alone)

C: But it goes in cycles.  Phases.  You will feel  like this for a while and then it won't be as intense for a while and then you'll feel like it again.  Cycles.  You always say things like this when you're on your period.  You won't feel that way when it's over.

M: But my period is over.  It ended yesterday.

C: Really?  Oh.  It's a phase...

M: You think?  I think it's natural progression.

C: Yeah it'll go away in a few days.

I hate that.  When I feel strongly or deeply and I can't seem to convey it to someone.  I guess this is just how it is.  But do you or have you ever felt that there was absolutely nothing you could do or say to convey how deeply you felt for someone?  (sidebar - It's when I type things like this that makes me feel very infantile and immature.  Like, I'm so fascinated by something that others probably see as standard) ANYway...I feel like he will never truly know how much I love him.  Because there doesn't seem to be a way to say it.



                                                           

I Got Plans

So... I'm going to be turning 35. I've never been big on birthdays. Never ever ever.  I've always envied people who had parties and dinners and such.  I always organized things for friends and family members.  And some where deep inside I always wished that someone would put something together for me.  I had a couple of get together-ish stuff before but it never really worked out.

But last year Crab and went and grabbed a bite to eat and then went back home and watched a movie.  I think I've mentioned that I've never seen a lot of movies that most people have seen.  Like today I saw Carlito's Way for the first time!  I loved it!  So watching movies is kind of a special thing for me.  He shows me all types of movies  So last year was Gladiator.  So that movie will always be special to me. "Are you not entertained?!?!?!?"

I'm so psyched for this year.  I told him to put a whole night of movies together.  I'm gonna bring steaks and my favorite drink and probably some of his favorite drink too. And we are going to drink and eat and watch movies. And in the morning we are going to eat fish and grits like we love to do in the morning and I'm going to... CUDDLE him.  I am.  I'm gonna lay my face on that big ol chest and fall asleep and drool on him.

OH I CAN'T WAIT  FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (doing the Birdman hand rub)

And you know what i love about it.It is tailored perfectly to me.  It is what I like.  It is what makes me happy.  And he knows that so he will do exactly what i want no questions asked,

I wonder if he knows just how much these little things mean to me. I wonder if when I tell him how it's my favorite thing in the world to do does he really know it really really is? I wonder if he knows how excited I get when I just drop by and I see him put in a movie.  At that very moment I feel wanted.  I know that he wants to spend at least 2 hours with me.  And when that movie ends and he puts another one in right after it makes me feel... I don't know how to describe it but I can tell you writing about it is making my eyes water.  Sometimes we watch like 4 movies in row.

Those are the times I'm most at peace.

Welp. Better put Mini in the bed.  Poor baby fell asleep while doing his homework.

Sleeper

Hey Y'all!

So last night Mini left to go with his dad for the weekend and I went to Crab's for a little bit of R&R.

First Porn...  I went through some of the movies that I haven't watched  yet.  I must have scanned through about 10 or 12.  Scanning... scanning... scanning...  I just could find anything I liked.  So Crab walks in the room and I say...

Where's the one with the monkey?

He laughed and then said "You are such a sicko"

And we laaaaaauuuuughed!

 Don't get me wrong though.  The monkey is not involved.  It's just in the room.  But there is like a red wine water torture part and guns in mouths.  Love Love Love it.  It's part of Nacho Vidal's Back 2 Evil series.  It's called Jealous Monkey.  My all time favorite scene is next with Belladonna on Angel Collectors. That's my favorite of all time.  Angel Collector. Yeah that's my fave.

Anyway so after watching a little porn for a while you know we did what we do ;) then we started watching some movie called Kingdom.

It was good but it was really late and I started falling asleep which Crab hates!

C:  I'm not putting the movie in if you're gonna fall asleep. (Mind you this is said before every movie)
M: I'm noooot.  Just put it in
C: No really because this is a good movie and it'll be pointless if you fall asleep.
M: I'm not gonna fall asleep

10 minutes later

C:  Are you sleeping?
M: No!  The dude just said that the other dude was about to call that chic and then they went to the store... I'm awake!

 5 minutes later

C: You're sleeping!  I'm looking at your eyes!
M: No i'm not.  Shut up!  I'm trying to follow this.

5 minutes later

C: You understand that part?  What she just did right there?
M (delirious) Yeah.... is this whole movie gonna be in subtitles?
C: What are you talking about? It's not even in subtitles.... smh....
M: (delirious) oh nothing... nothing....

So yes this is basically what happened last night.  This morning I woke up went home. and i'm waiting for a one Sir Crab to re wake up so we can re-watch the movie (which is what always happens)

Better Update (Thanks CeCe)

CeCe....  Thanks for giving me something to write about!  I guess I was out of practice!

Well, I remember one day I was at Crab's house and his phone rang.  He picked it up and
I guess the person on the other line asked what he was doing and he said 

"Nothing.  Just sitting here talking to my girlfriend"

BOOM!  There it was!  final confirmation.  

I think it came from him being confronted with me seeing Homeboy twice a week when Mini was taking boxing.  There was one day Homeboy got all bent out of shape when he saw Crab's picture on the background screen on my phone.  He was all "I want to punch him in the face."  Crab was all "I want to knock him out"  I was all "Neither one of you want to be with me so..."  I guess this was about the time Crab decided to make things official.  I remember it being a big deal that I tell homeboy that Crab and I were committed. I did.  Homeboy and I had a talk.  He said that he could never get past the point that he felt I was in love with Crab.  Valid point...  He still calls every now and then though.

On another note, I have been getting some financial things in order! YAAAAAY! The smallest so far has been paying off my car.  Finally!  Finally!  Finally!  Freedom from the car note.

Now.  This one is two fold.  I had 5 years of taxes to file.  But wait!  Wait! I know it sounds crazy! There was a method to my non-taxfiling madness!  I had student loan issues.  So I didn't file because any refund would just be going right back to the government.  So....  I was always trying to get out of default with that 9 month payment plan but I'll tell you, every time I was on like my 7th or 8th month disaster would hit and I'd fuck up! I'm actually pretty sure some type of disaster tried to hit this time.  But uh uh I was not letting ANYTHING get in my way this time.  I think this time, I ended up having to send Mini to NC for 3 weeks because I couldn't find childcare for the few weeks between the end of camp and the beginning of school, and then, on top of that I stopped getting child support.  But oh HELL NO!  I think I might have borrowed the money from my parents (which I HATE doing because I HATE asking for money).  But I was not gonna let it anything get in my way this time.  And I did it!

So when I got my congrats letter and confirmation from Sally Mae, I headed over to see Cat Daddy.  He's a CPA.  His clients are entertainers so I'm sure doing my taxes would be a cinch.  So he did my taxes.  All 5 years and I have a nice 5 digit return on the way!!!!!

My next project is a vacation.  I want to take Mini on vacation.  I think I have a fear of traveling.   But Mini wants to go to Universal Studios. So i'm taking him.  But I'm not going to tell him when.  I'm going to do the whole telling him on the way to the airport thing.  That should be fun.

Anyway.  There is a little bit of a better update for you guys!

Check in

So I'm not sure where I left off and I don't really feel like going to look so....

Crab and I are truly positively official. No if ands or buts.  He is mine and I am his and we are us.  It's interesting.  As we know this whole healthy type thing is completely foreign so it takes some getting used to.  He's definitely more involved in my life and has plenty more opinions than before.  And I guess that's all part of a relationship right?

I wish I had more to talk about!  I'm sooooo boring right now!

Hello!  It's been a while huh?

Well nothing much is going on.  I got a text from MD the other day

****GASP****

It just said

MD:  Good morning Stranger I miss you

M: I miss you too

MD: Come say hi

M: I cant

And then I immediately erased the texts because I don't want them haunting me.

I had a bad bout of PMS and went off on Crab.  I think it was about sex.  Lack of sex I think.  I can't even remember what I was saying Then I tried to break up with him and ended up telling him I loved him and could we just forget it.

I get that REALLY bad PMS sometimes.  I am like an enraged maniac.  My face was broken out like I was going through terrible puberty.

Anyway.  There's a little update for you guys.  I'm gonna go roam around and see what's up with my fav blogs!

Point taken?

So I think my little speech may have hit him in the right place.

He actually called him yesterday just to say hi.  To ask him how his day went.

Then around 10pm he calls and says

X: Hey you! (all jipper like which is not him he is the grinch) Yeah I wanted to tell you to make sure he drinks enough water.  They said on this show that water is essential to life and I want to make sure he's drinking enough water

M: Uh... yeah he drinks water.

X:  Ok I just wanted to make sure.

While the second part is odd, it's more than he usually does.  So that's good.  Let's just see what happens

The Ex-files

So the weekend was pretty much non-eventful.

Friday I took a half day so I could have a little special time with my Mini.  We went to the mall and I let him pick out a hat from Lids and get his name put on it.  I bought him Sneakers... the most impractical sneakers ever.  They were white on white on white on white.  But they were what he wanted so I bought them.  It was a special little day.  I didn't bark at him (like I do a lot) I didn't rush him. I just enjoyed him.  It was so special to me and so special to see how much he loved the stuff I bought him.

Sooooo......

Last night I was in the kitchen, cutting my veggies for today and Mini comes in and says to me. 

"Did Daddy buy me these sneakers and this hat?"

M: Why would you say that?

"I asked daddy why he never buys me anything and he says he paid for my hat and my sneakers."

I told him to go watch tv and I immediately picked up the phone.

M: Hello. Don't you ever tell Mini that the things I do for him are because of child support.

X; I didn't...

M: No you did.  You told him that you paid for the hat and sneakers I bought him.

X: I didn't say that I paid for it.  That's not what I...

M: Listen, I'm not gonna play a game of what exact words you said to him.  We both know what you were insinuating.  He is seven years old and child support is none of his business.

I shelter him, I make sure he has breakfast lunch and dinner, I pay for before care, I pay for after care, I pay for boxing, I pay for golf lessons, I pay for camp.  I pay for extras.  I take care him.  And it's hard to do all by myself.  I waited for my payday and took time off of my job to go get him those sneakers and that hat.  And you try and take claim for that? Don't you ever try and diminish the things I do for him by telling him it's because of money I got from you.

X: Okay

Then I hung up

This NWord better realize I am not the same person that let him treat me like shit and he better not mess with me.

Mini Time

I went to sleep last night with an attitude and headache and woke up this morning with a bigger attitude and a bigger headache.  Luckily I took a half day today so I'm going to leave early.

I was supposed to go hang with Crab but I think my son deserves some fun time with me so I'm going to pick him up early and go take him to get a hair cut and the sneakers he's got his eyes on.  Maybe to the movies too. And then rest.  He's got golf on Saturday at 8:30 so I want to make sure he's got all of his clubs together so we aren't scrambling.  

I think it's time to prioritize some things.  I already spend a lot of time doing mommy things but I want to enjoy this summer with my son.  You are only 7 in the summer once!  I gotta make sure I make some great memories for him.  That is one of my favorite things about being a mother.  Making memories for him.

Keep your ass home

Well.............

I gotta get out.  I have been out since the last time I was out and that was a whiiiiiiiiile ago.  But I can't really justify it right now.  Money is SUPER tight and I just cant see myself spending money on anything that isn't absolutely necessary.  And when I see people do this this it annoys THE FUCK out of me.  I mean who am I to tell people what they can and can't do with their money.  But if you call me all strapped for cash for gas and food and then the next day tell me about how you went out I take offense.  Because I'm STRUGGLING right now.

My weekly hairdo- GONE
My weekly Mani Pedi - GONE
My weekly/biweekly as needed eyebrow threading - GONE
Going out (even to have men buy me drinks) - GONE

No new shoes

No new outfits

None of my favorite lipgloss

Nothing

I spend my money on gas and taking care of home

THAT'S IT

NOTHING EXTRA

NOTHING

And I give you money and you hop your ass out to the nearest bar/lounge/club while I spend another night at home with cup full of Kool-Aid?!?!?!

I swear my BF Sis is gonna ask me for money (She gives me $ too so I'm not complaining about that) and then she's gonna be at someone's bar or club tonight. I GUA-RAN-TEE.

VENT

Maybe I'm just being a hater...
  

Yeah so....

Well Homeboy and I had a little talk.

And this is what I came away with which gives me more respect for him (not that there was a lack of respect to begin with but more)

He likes me.  Even loves me.  He feels I'm perfect for him and we would be perfect together.

However...

He is not ready for a serious relationship.  And knowing how perfect we would be together he'd rather not start anything he doesn't feel ready for and mess up.  That includes having a physical thing with me.  He doesn't even want to take it anywhere until he's ready to be serious with me.  This reminded me of a time I was all

M: "Homeboy!  Why don't we just be together?!?!?"

H: "Because what if we get together and I'm not good at being a boyfriend."

M: "What?!?!"

And...

Until I'm not in love with Crab.

So that's all fair.  Obviously he sees my heart is not really available.

After this you'd think it was concluded right?

No.  Because after telling this to a friend she came up with the next mystery.

"Why isn't he ready?"

Oh......... I don't know.....


On un autre note

He called me last night and I was all

"Homeboooooy, it's you're birthday tomorrow!"

And he says "Really? Tomorrow's my birthday?"

And I was all "Yaaaaaay!  Today's your birthday! Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I suck for forgetting!

The Hood... down there

Ugh.  I'm getting tired again.  I was going for iron IV once a week but then my hemoglobin got up to 13 which is good so they gave me three months off.  But I'm not assertive enough to say "Hey 3 months is too long for me to go without getting iron."  By three months I will have no iron in my system at all.  So now I'm feeling the effects and it's only been 1 month. My eyes are sore I always feel like I JUST woke up.  That sucks!  What if I get some cucumbers from the salad bar at lunch and then sit at my desk with my head back and cucumbers on my eyes.

Then my life in general is hectic.  My evenings are draining and how do you drain something that's already drained?

In other news....

I'm sexually frustrated.  Seriously frustrated.

Like really really frustrated.

It's that time of year that I like to GET IT ALL THE TIME.  And I ain't gettin it none of the time.

I've thrown out a couple of hints but

Either he dont know, don't show, or don't care about what's going on in the hood... down there

I'm the man in this sexual relationship when it comes to... well no.. cause I take care of my business on his end... 4 to 5 times a week...

Sigh...

Typical!

SO....I'm on the phone with Homeboy.

I'm like "So what did you have to tell me?"

H: I decided not to tell you

M: Of course you did.  You always do.

H: (laughs) I had a dream about you last night.

So he tells me the dream.  He saw me on Main Street and there was something wrong with my car.  So he picked me up and took me back to his house.  We were watching a movie and I said
"Don't be scared.  You can do anything you want to with me".  (Sounds like something I'd say right?)
So he takes off my pants and then........................................
he told me he'd be right back he had to go take his car to the shop.
When he got back I was gone.

That was the dream.

Sounds just like something he'd do.

Then he told me he'd call me back.

Oh Homeboy....

Homeboy Quickie

Oh... I stopped talking to Homeboy.  Well I stopped calling and texting him.  I still see him at the gym.  But I try not to give too much convo.  Last time I saw him I told him Crab and I are exclusive.  I don't ignore him completely though because that would be childish.  I have nothing against him.  He's a sweetheart.

He still calls every now and then.

A few days ago he called to tell me he's thinking about buying an apartment in my building.

I told him not to. (for a few reasons)

Yesterday he called to tell me he needs to tell me something

Then he said he'd call back when he finished eating.

I think he wants me to pay him attention.

I can't though.

I can't

Agreed

I'm sorry I've been away so long.  I've been....  I don't know.  Around.

I do happen to be very very in love.  Crab and I are definitely exclusive at this point. I'm not sure how it got this way.  It all seems to be a bit of a blur but I think it came out of
A) Crab not appreciating my carryings on with Homeboy and voicing his opinion clearly (finally) and
B) me not appreciating his internet goings on.  Which he claims not to have but... whatever.  I don't like it and I don't like his damn Instagram.
So there was a lot of back and forth bickering that seems to have resulted in some type of exclusivity.

I am however very in love.

I guess I haven't been writing because I'm always very honest here.  I don't want to write if I can't be honest.  And sometimes.  You know... you'd rather not be honest.  Not necessarily to others but yourself. It may be a way to survive.  If we didn't lie to ourselves how would we make it.  It's the little lies we tell ourselves like "You can do it!" that fuel us to keep pressing and keep going that get us to a point where yeah you really can do it!

Now I'm not saying there are horrible things that I need to lie about but there are issues right now that I have to get over and being honest with you all or myself about them is going to keep me in a perpetual loop, because the honest truth of it is that I'm unresolved on some things.  So to talk about it or face it would be just well should I or shouldn't I want this and then again I want that.  But that's not gonna help me move forward.  So right now I've got to get over a hill.  Not a mountain.  Just a hill.

The way I deal with most things in life is to make what I call agreements about things.  These agreements tend to be absolute.  Once an agreement is made it can not be broken.  These agreements sometimes are deliberate and sometimes happen on their own  But however they happen once they are made they are set in stone.  This is how I end friendships, relationships, lifestyle changes, even change brands of soap.  Agreements. Sometimes it takes 30 seconds to come to an agreement with myself on an issue.  Sometimes it takes weeks of negotiating.

I am negotiating.

So rather than talk about the issues at hand (or write for that matter) I'd rather just work on finalizing some agreements.

If that makes sense to you

Let's Just Be

I had a great weekend.  Mini stayed with his dad Friday night through Sunday night.  I stayed with Crab Friday through Sunday.  I went home to shower and change but for the most part I was with him the entire weekend.

I can't say just how nice it was!

I finally met his ex wife.  That was nice.  She was incredibly nice and told me how much she's heard about me and how much the kids like me.  And I finally met Little Crab.  He is a sweet sweet kid and gave me a nice hug! And so did the ex.  Only thing is that I had been just laying down when she came by.  Crab wasn't home so I was just chilling watching TV looking like exactly what I was doing.  I would have like to at least look decent.  But she was nice and gave me like 5 hugs.

So anyway, I had a perfect weekend.  I love that something so simple is so wonderful.  There's this Miguel song Just Be that I love. It's just about laying around doing nothing together.  Just being.  And it used to make me cry because I never did that with someone.  And it means everything to me to Just Be with him.  Everything.

Day 12 - Something I don't leave home without

I don't leave the house without

My Cell Phone - I feel off balance without it
My Lip Gloss
Dentyne Ice - Peppermint. I'm addicted!

Day 11 A quote that I love

My daddy always says to me

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hold on!

Day 10 something I'm afraid of

Ok My bad I gotta catch up for yall I'm sorry.

Something I'm afraid of

I think it's pretty much the same thing as most parent.  I'm afraid of something happening to my son.  I want him to live a long healthy life.

The other day we were walking and I switched him to the inside of the sidewalk and he says...

You did that so that I wouldn't get hit by a car?

M: Yeah.  If a car jumped the curb I'd want it to hit me before it hits you

But then you'll die :(

So I explained to him how I'd lived so much of my life already and he has a lot more living to do than me.  But a car is ptobably not going to jump the curb and hit either of us but just in case I want to make sure he still gets to do all thing things I've already gotten to do.

On the news the other day I saw a video where a woman was walking into a store with her 4 year old daughter and is attacked and she runs.  WITHOUT her daughter.  could never be me.  Never.

http://www.wtvq.com/mostpopular/story/Woman-Runs-Leaves-Child-Behind-During-Attack/yOAR38ScG0eHfq8FEJ79kw.cspx

Get Right

Yes Yes Day 9 is coming... Another picture... Geesh! Killing me

Anyway.  I've decided I gotta get 100% right with what I'm doing.  First of all, I've been very gray area like with Homeboy.  I play games to keep things open if...  that's not right.

 So I'm gonna keep it 100% with him and really say...

"OK cool.  Listen we are gonna stop playing this game.  You play games with me, I play games with you, but now games over.  At least on my end.  I'm finished and not because you frustrate me, it's because I have a relationship with Crab which I think you could probably tell."

This is something that Crab had a problem with.  The reasons I would give Homeboy for not being with him.  He knew I would tell Homeboy that i he (Homeboy) just doesn't do right by me. But what he wanted was for me to tell Homeboy that I couldn't be with him because I 'm with Crab.  But, I was like "Whatever. I said something and that's enough."

But I realize now it's not enough.   Because without the truth we keep slipping in and out of "talking".  So at this point I am doing what most of us women hate about men.  I play both sides of the fence.   So my new reason for not dealing with other people is because I'm in a relationship. Which is something I need to tell other dude too. (This dude from highschool that has been trying to get at me)  Mostly I just avoid him and tell him I'm busy because he's definitely my type so I don't want to get into any sticky situations because AS WE KNOW I tend to get myself into sticky situations.

One thing I can say is that Crab LOVES ME!  He loves me all Jill Scott Especially Different like. And I FEEL it.  And I'm gonna let him!

Day 8 Somewhere I've traveled and somewhere I want to Travel

Somewhere I've traveled

-_-

No where special.  I went to Jamaica once as a child.
Other than that I've just been up and down the east coast and to St. Louis to visit my brother.  When I was little we used to go on vacation with 2 other families every summer and I really can't say where the destinations were.  They were always HEAVILY educational trips.  And then on the way back we always spent at least one night at Baltimore Harbor before heading back to NJ.

Although we hated all of the educational tours we took these trips were so fun! There were 6 kids total (remember Buddha from my first loves, he was one). We ALWAYS stayed in an Embassy Suites and in the morning we would go have the free breakfast and the adults would say "Bulk up because this is it until dinner!"  Then at night we'd always go to a good restaurant.  Then we'd all get put into one hotel room and our parents would go to the bar and drink and we'd just have fun.  I appreciate those trips! Memories.  

I always look at Mini when we're doing special things and think "I'm making his memories!" and that makes me feel good!

I can't really say where I want to go.  But this weekend I was with my friend Sweetie and we decided to do the same with our boys.  So sometime this summer we will take a trip to DC and Baltimore Harbor with the boys!  I've already done Disney with Mini and I personally don't think it's something I would want to do repeatedly.  I think I want him to see lots of different cities, museums, stuff you know?  So as far as travel, I just want to take my son all over!

Babblage

When I have to do those verification things when I comment on blogs I always make up meanings for the "words"

This morning at Freckles spot I saw this

traelocu mentyuic
This is someone who is very crazy and neurotic

Day 7 What Makes Me Happy

This Challenge really is a challenge for me

What makes me happy is such a hard question because I spend a majority of my time trying to make other people happy.

This is a hard one.

I know I'm completely and totally content when I'm with Crab watching movies/tv.  Totally content.  The rest of the world and my problems and worries are nonexistent. I don't know of anything that has ever made me feel as peaceful.

But that's not happy is it?  That's at peace.

I feel happy when I see my son happy.  I guess that's what makes me happy.  Making my son happy!
See.  It made me smile to think of it.  So yeah.  There it is.  To see my son happy.

Day 6 Pet Peeves

This is a simple one.  SO SIMPLE

It irks my nerves like nothing else when people pronounce the word salmon

SAL-MON

Oh..... It's like nails on a chalk board.

You know what else I don't like, people who complain when we go out
Oh I don't like the music.
Oh this is boring.
Oh the drinks are too expensive.
Are you ready to go?

SHUT UP!  BOUNCE!  BYE! GO HOME, SHYT!

And...

Shopping with people who look and try on and put back and like the dress but not this part of the dress and don't like that but they do like that...
I go into a store with purpose.  I pick up a shirt.  I pick up a pair of paints.  I walk to the register.  I leave.  The whole process takes about 15 to 20 minutes TOPS.  I prefer to shop alone because I have no tolerance for browsers and pickyness.  None what so ever.

And...

Shut up when I'm driving and stop giving me directions.
Crab will give me turn by turn directions going places where we live.  Like Ummm I know how to get to Target.  I've lived here MY ENTIRE LIFE! He even tells me it's ok to go when I'm at a stop sign.  It is the point of time when I'm least in love with him.  If we were talking about most in love and least in love.  Least in love is when he's in the passenger seat of my car.

And

Well yeah, that's all I can really think of.

Oh and people who try and finish my words as I talk.  That feels so awkward to me. Isn't that weird?

Yeah.  That's it.

Quikie

First and foremost I totally didn't back out of the challenge.

I can't think of a song that inspires me so I'm still working on that AND, I did something funky on my laptop that put up firewalls that I couldn't get down for a various number of reasons.

Anyway....

He broke me.  He broke me.  Like one of those wild horses... I've been broken.  I totally felt love in connection with physical.  It was so awesome in the true sense of the word awesome.  I'm awed.  In awe...

Like you know those Hallmark presents movies...
There's a ranch,
And a ranch hand
And a troubled person that comes to the ranch.
And a wild horse that needs to be broken.
And the troubled person discovers themselves
And the ranch hand and the troubled person fall in love.  Usually in the rain or something.
And somewhere in between all of this the wild horse gets broken...

Yeah.  All that happened yesterday while I was at Crabs house.

But there was just me and Crab
And The 40yo Virgin Playing
And I had a shot of Grey Goose Cherry Noir (not impressed by the flavor.  It's unnecessary)
And he had a glass of wine (Menage Trois)
And then there was a porn (Bella Donna - she's my favorite)
And then
BOOM
I made love for real for real

Apparently Crab does not particularly appreciate me telling everything so...

I'll just say it was goooood!

Day 4 My Parents

My mother is
Sweet
Snobby
Judgmental
Prude
Artistic
Smart
Judgmental
Strong
Creative
Beautiful
Bubbly
Sensitive (to her feelings)
Adventurous
Can make ANYTHING


My father is
Funny
A terrible listener
Down to earth
Successful
Rich
Laid Back
A terrible listener
Fun
Closed Minded
A Playboy
Loved by many
A terrible listener
Generous

Day 3 My First Love(s)

Day 3 My first love

Well I'm not sure what was first and what was love.

There was Buddah a family friend of ours.  Our moms are BEST friends.  Like, those best friends that can't stand each other but love each other so much that they just deal with each other.  It's bizarre.  Anyway.  I loved Buddah.  He was so cute to me.  He was fat but I still thought he was really cute.  On my 5th birthday I decided I wanted to kiss him so what I'd do was kiss everyone after I opened their gift.  So of course the first gift I opened was Buddah's.  It was barbie doll clothes.  A leopard print dress with some hot pink heals. I gave Buddah a kiss on the cheek and then everyone was all "ooooooohhhhh...." then the next gift was from this dude Strings.  I looked at him and scrapped the whole kissing thing.  I'd already gotten what I wanted.  He was my date to the wedding I went to last summer.  Y'all remember that.  The one Crab was supposed to go with me to?  He was sweet.  He came straight from a flight from Paris.  I had on a dress.  He had on Jeans and an NYPD Tshirt and
Yankees cap.  But that was OK (pretty much everyone there we'd grown up with so no one cared).  He showed up for me and that meant A LOT!  I was mortified that Crab had basically stood me up so Buddah (who knows Crab) really made it better. Buddah swept in and saved the day.  He even held my hand!

Then there's Clog.  Again a family friend.  At cookouts when it would get dark, we'd always sneak of and sit under trees where no one could see and hold hands.  Just hold hands. That's it.  But he was special to me. He is LOADED now.  He's an extremely successful Real Estate Broker in the city.  LOADED!  He also acts very gay but has a girlfriend.

Then there is Bishop.  My high school sweetheart from 15.  I met him at an Essex Catholic party.

There were Three major all boys private schools
St. Benedict's - The Upper Middle Class Boys.  From the usual clique of Dr, Lawyer, Bankers kids that I grew up with.  My brother went to Benedict's.
Seton Hall Prep - White Boy private school. Homeboy went there.
Essex Catholic - The Bad Boys.  The Hood of private schools.

Bishop and I danced all night all nasty grindy like.  And he had on Joop.  From that night on we were a pair.  I still messed with other people and so did he but we still loved each other.  He was the first dude I blessed with my gift and I guarantee you I was good that first time.

Well we did this off again on again thing all through high school.  I really did love him though.  He was a year older so he went to college before me.  He was REALLY smart.  Straight A student.  But he was cool and got mad respect.  And he was bald during the ONYX days (Slam!  duh duh duh..) Anyway  So he went away to college and stupid me went a lost my virginity to someone else.  I told him.  It was terrible.  He forgave me eventually but said he'd never take me back.  Years and years later we ended up messing around but he still never took me seriously.  Then he found a girlfriend and stopped speaking with me.  But I loved him.  I'll always love him

Look quick!

Yeah so here's that recent picture I owed y'all.  I'm gonna take it down tomorrow though so enjoy.   And there is one person who follows me that knows me and has no idea that its me so if you see this... um. Keep you mouth shut dawg or my dude will lay you out!


TOO LATE!  I TOOK IT DOWN!

THEY GOTTA BE KIDDING ME

WHAT THE FUCK!

I wonder if employers really believe that what they are asking is reasonable or are they just like..

FUCK IT!  I don't give a fuck if this shit is realistic or not.  I'm just gonna demand it and watch them struggle like fishes out of water!

I feel like I've been hit with a tsunami.

Day 2 Nicknames

Well I've never really had a nickname.

My mom calls me MooMoo.  I think it has less to do with me and more to do with something when she was growing up because her childhood friends call their daughters MooMoo too.

The people at my Job call me Missy.  My Job ID  looks like Missy so people just call me that.

Everyone else just calls me by name.

My brother called me Jellybean growing up.  But it wasn't nice.  It was his version of Retard.

I am known to some as Demon.  Also courtesy of my brother.  Every time I did something that got on my brother and his friend's nerves or said something stupid or uncool or whatever they would say "DEMONDRY!" Recently I ran into one of his friends who then explained to the girl he was with that I was the "original" Demon who insipred the term "Demondry".

 

Day 1

Day 1 Introduction, Recent Picture and 15 Interesting Facts

1. I can twist my arm around and scratch my own back.
2. I love candy.  Not chocolate.  CANDY.  Candy candy candy.  Like a kid, I love it.
3. I throw up a lot.  The following things make me throw up.  Processed Cheese, hot dogs, any type of    melon, milk
4. I am an artist.  That's who I am on the inside.  On the outside I am a Real Estate Analyst. I wish I had two more hands I'd give my job 4 thumbs down.
5. I wear gray and black A LOT!
6. I used to have a huge shoe collection.  Then my husband threw out one of each shoe.
7. I'm extremely anemic and have to have I.V. therapy once a week.
8. I smoke but will never let anyone see me smoke so most people have no idea b/c I hide it like crazy.  I'm ashamed of it.
9.  I hate amusement parks.  Just not my thing, you know.
10. I hate sand and being in the sun, thus I don't like beaches.
11. I love vodka and I like it straight.
12. I write how talk.  Exactly.  So sometimes my sentences sound awkward but I'm from Jersey.  We have our own way of talking that doesn't necessarily translate into writing.
13. I live about 20 minutes outside of Manhattan and I almost never go into the city.
14.I'm cheap.  Like super cheap!
15. I'm messy!

Another Challenge for me to eff up on!

The freckles put out a challenge and since I have been quiet lately I think I will do it

I always fuck up challenges tough yall know this

But hear goes...

Can't a Brother Get Some Catfish?!?!?

I'm so ready for the weekend.

I'm exhausted!
EX
HAUS
TED

I'll have tonight until 9AM tomorrow to relax and then I have to pick Mini up.  Crab says he's not going out so I think I'll get us some movies and some catfish and greens and candied yams and Grey Goose Cherry Noir.

And I'm gonna crawl up under Crab's arm and fall asleep and drool all over him.  YUP!  That is how it's going down

Now the catfish...
Lemme tell you bout the catfish.

Yesterday I told him (Crab) that I was gonna get him some catfish and mac and cheese and Candied yams cause that's my baby's favorite.  So there's this new spot in my area SoCo Cafe.  I've gotten food there several times.  It's good.  The food is good! But here lies the problem with a lot of black business that I personally come across.  And I think you all might know where i'm going with this.

Now it's a weeknight.  I gotta get Mini to boxing, pick up the food, pick Mini back up from boxing, take the food to Crab, Bring Mini home, feed him, have him do homework and take a bath.  Now it's about quarter to 7, I'm leaving Mini at the gym and I call to order.  I know they always fry fish to order (doesn't everyone?) so it was best to call in

SC: Hello
M: Yes I'd like to place an order
SC: Can you hold please?
M: sure

10 minutes later I'm still on hold as I pull up and park in front of the restaurant.  I walk in. Wait.  the girl finally comes over and says "Are you ready to order?" I hold up my phone to the girl and say.  "Yeah I called to place my order 10 minutes ago and you put me on hold and I'm still holding."  She gives me a confused look, walks over to the phone hangs it up and comes back and says "Are you ready to order?

YOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  No surprised look.  No, Oh I'm sorry.  Just walked over to the phone and hung it up.  So I begin to order. as she begins to right the order

M: Ummm Catfish
SC: Ok... What sides...
M:Candied Yams
SC: There are no more.

Now I have my blue tooth in so I press call and of course Crab is the last person I speak with so it calls right away.  And he answers right away.  Whole process took about 9.4 seconds.  So I say "They don't have candied yams what do you want? okay"

M:  Alright so I'll have Greens

Whoa... Homegirl just walks off and starts taking someone else's order.  a couple of MINUTES later she comes back over

SC: Are you ready to order?

M: Uhhh yeah...

so I order my food,

SC:  And Your name?  Okay Diana.  You can have a seat and we'll call you when your order is ready

THIRTY MINUTES LATER....

I go to the counter

M: I'm gonna have to leave and come back b/c I have to get my son.

SC:  Okay it will be ready soon.  They're mixing up the batter now to fry your fish.

WORD?!?!?  They're just mixing the batter right now? WORD?!?!?

I shoot over to the gym.  Get Mini (who's pissed by the way that I wasn't right there when he finished). Get back there, run inside.  WAIT ANOTHER 15 MINUTES.  Get my food. Go to Crab's.

We set the food down start unpacking the bag.  I put mine to the left.  Pick his up out the bag and

WAIT A MINUTE.  NOW WAIT JUST A G D MINUTE!

WHY THE EFF IS THIS CONTAINER SO LIGHT?

I open it up

And...

inside

is

One

Fried

Chicken

Leg

On a napkin.

NO FISH

NO GREENS

NO MAC & CHEESE

Just

One

Fried

Chicken Leg.

After all that TERRIBLE SERVICE

I din't even get what I paid for.  I didn't even get a whole dinner.  You know... like wrong order.

Nope.

I got

One

Fried

Chicken Leg

I called.  They sounded apologetic and said to come back tonight for my order.  But really.  The service sucks.  I'm big on service, because if you make me feel good when I come in i will come back.  and I gotta say, even if it's just okay.  I'll still come back cause I like you!

And let me tell you they act like they are doing YOU a favor.  I hate that!

Someone else complained about how long it was taking and the response is

SC: you all need to understand we are up front.  We're not cooking the food

Someone asked "So you haven't started taking credit/debit cards have you?"

SC: No and we never will.  We're trying to keep the cost down for you.  But y'all don't understand that.

Someone ask (b/c it was about to close and the just brought out a new pan of mac and cheese) What do you all do with food left at the end of the night?

SC: The crew takes it home if they want it (LONG PAUSE) then the rest gets donated to soup kitchens (LIE!  You could tell she was lying about the donation part.  She realized that is what dude was getting at.  I knew that's what dude was getting at when he asked.)

A lot of black businesses that I patronize ESPECIALLY food establishments act arrogant and annoyed when you come to give them business.  In my opinion good service and a positive attitude go a loooooong way!

I'm just saying

Hey yall

Hi.

Those on twitter know I'm still alive.  I haven't posted in a while because I just don't feel like it lately.

Today I feel lonely.  Maybe because its raining.  Maybe because my weekend was very single motherish.  I taught my son how to ride his bike then later he got stood up by his dad and layed on my lap and cried.  It makes me sad to always do things alone.  But it isn't different than when I was with my husband. I still had to do it alone. But I really would like a partner in all of this.  Its bittersweet to see my son with Homeboy.  I know I gave him up for Crab but I still like to see him interact with Mini.  There is such an easy feel to their interaction.  I want that for him so badly.  A man in my life that isn't turned off by my son and his energy but encourages him to use the energy up.  Homeboy seems to know how to handle it.  He's nurturing and caring with his son but seems to know how to teach him masculinity at the same time. I want someone to do that for my son. It's so cute when Mini is finished boxing he runs over to Homeboy to give him five before we leave.  It makes my heart ache a little.

And with me he always tells me how beautiful I look. Sometimes while I'm in the middle of talking about something completely different he'll interupt and say "you look great" or "you're so beautiful".  And its usually when I look my worst.  He tells me he's proud of me.  He makes me feel good about myself.  I want that for me too.

Oh well.  Maybe one day I'll learn to do what's best for me.  Until then I'll have lonely days.

And another thing

And Homeboy called me a couple of hours ago.

His issue with me is he can't find anything wrong with me.  He can't find a flaw and it scares him. What if we were to get serious and then he finds out something that would make him not want to be with me and then he's stuck.

I told him I have plenty of flaws and if they were deal breakers then he could break the deal. But don't even worry about it...

No point...

I'm done...

So that's why you keep me on the back burner?  Because I'm too perfect?

Whatever man.

I said.... clarification!

Oh... and y'all can't clarify my question?  I asked my best friend and her answer sounded so warped and like THE worst advice EVER.

I never ask my friends for advice and that's why.  Those bitches give BAD advice.  ALWAYS.  I'll be listening going

Mmmmm.. okay.... okay... interesting...that's a unique interpretation.... okay.... yeah... yeah... okay well thanks...

And even though I didn't know what to do when they asked I am thankful I knew what NOT to do!

Ms P, I flat out told her once, You give HORRIBLE TERRIBLE ADVICE!  HORRIBLE.

But I need some clarification.  You know I'm trying this new incorporating emotions into physical thing but I don't think i'm really doing it yet.

Work Rant Encouraged by Freckles

I HATE MY JOB
I HATE PEOPLE WHO JUST KEEP SAYING YES.

YES WE CAN DO THAT

I'M DROWNING

I HANDLE REAL ESTATE FOR A HUGE COMPANY.  EVERY STORE IN NORTH CAROLINA, SOUTH CAROLINA, GEORGIA, ALABAMA AND TENNESSEE.

EVERY SINGLE GOT DAMN STORE

AND WE OWN OTHER COMPANIES SO I HANDLE THOSE STORES TOO.  THANK GOODNESS THE GOVERNMENT SHUT THEM DOWN ON PURCHASING ANOTHER COMPANY A FEW MONTHS AGO. I WOULD HAVE RUN SCREAMING FROM THE BUILDING

I'M DROWNING!

SOMETIMES I SIT AT MY DESK AND MY HEAD IS SPINNING. LITERALLY SPINNING.  LIKE WHEN YOU ARE TOO DRUNK.  WHERE TO START? WHAT TO DO NEXT?  HOW MANY MORE HOURS LEFT IN THE DAY?

AND THEY KEEP SAYING YES

Thanks Freckles.  That felt nice.

Question time - clarification needed

He's like oxygen to me. It's crazy. I just want him him him all the time!

Anyway... I've been way too tired to blog.  But I've started my I.V. treatments again today so hopefully I'll have more energy soon.

I've been spending all of my free time at Crab's.  We eat and sleep and watch movies.  And have sex.  Yup. SEX! And its goooood. And it's got love mixed in it.

Question for you guys...
When you have sex with someone you love and you let yourself feel love while you are having sex is that making love or is making love just the real lovey dovey mushy kissy slow sex?  Can making love be regular sex with feelings of love?  Let me know cause I don't want to ask him and I don't know.

Wow.  I think I'm changing.

"Hey..." "Hey..."

Technically I didn't get to see Crab yesterday.  Except when I was on my way out at 9:45am and kissed him goodbye.  Of course we talked through out the entire day.  Mostly we continually update on what we are doing.  Many conversations sound like

-Hey
-Hey
-What are you doing?
-I was just watching this show then at 5:00 I'm gonna eat but I may fall asleep before then
-Oh Ok.  I'm about to put some clothes in the wash and then I'm not gonna do anything
-Ok well I'm here
-Ok

5:15

-Hello
-Yeah It's 5:15 so I was just calling to make sure you were up and to see if you ate yet
-Yeah I'm about to eat a sandwich
-Ok call me back when you're finished

5:30

-Hello
-Yeah
-I just finished eating
-Oh OK

I didn't put Cs or Ms cause they are interchangeable.  And of course we have meaningful convos in-between these but we do this ALL DAY!

But I like it cause it's nice to know he's gonna call within the hour at some point.  Even Mini said yesterday as he sauntered out of his room... "Call Crab and see what he's doing"

On another note.  Several times when we were having our recent rough patches he said that I'm a very sexual person and called me a deviant.  Several times.  I've never looked at myself as being VERY sexual.  Actually I feel less than most people.  Like I don't like talking about sex.  I shy away from very sexual conversation.  It makes me uncomfortable.  I don't like sexual jokes.  I am offended by what most would consider adult jokes.  And I definitely never considered myself a deviant.  But whatever.  But then I was thinking, I can't be a deviant by myself.  So if you participate in my sexual deviance aren't you just as devious as me?

We were watching porn (as we often do) and he says "You see her.  She's bad...  I've seen her have no problem with giving head but as soon as dude goes to kiss her she looks like she doesn't want to.  Like she really has issues kissing but none giving head.  That's crazy right?"  He looks at me.  I just sip my drink and look over the top at the glass at him and I think I could help but smirk a little and he says "Nevermind.  You already answered.  I always get the broken ones".  I cracked up.

Then we made beautiful love!  It was pretty much on the same scale of MD.  But with someone I loved which is why I will not go into detail.  Just know I'm still smiling and have not an anxiety attack in over 24 hours!  (That's big!  Because I have anxiety attacks ALL DAY LONG)

I miss him

I'm falling falling falling deeper and deeper in love with this man. Every second I'm not with him I miss him. I miss him like crazy.  when I'm eating I want to be eating with him.  When I'm watching tv I wish I was watching it with him.  At night I  miss pressing my face into his neck when I'm ready to go to sleep.  I miss sleeping with my head on his chest.  I miss waking up and looking at him and him looking down at me.  I miss him all the time.

I'm finally comfortable with him. It is so scary! What am I supposed to do now?  Do I continue to allow myself to do this?  Do I pull back?  It feels so good.  I'm scared of getting used to it.

Oh...... but its so wondeful!

Old vs. New

Did I tell y'all I gave my ex $100 the other day?  Probably not.  He called me

X: I need to borrow some money.

M: How much?

X: $200

M: Lemme see what I have... when will you give it back to me?

X: Friday (I could tell he was lying.  He had no intentions of paying me back)

M: I have $100... (I had the $200 but I felt like since I knew he wasn't going to give it back $100 felt like an easier loss on someone who has no regards for me at all than $200)

X:  Ok anything will help

He then told me he needed it by 3:00.  He expected me to leave work and bring it to him. Oh contraire mon frere.  Not today!  

I told him I work an hour away and he was welcome to come get it. And he did.

I didn't tell Crab.  I was ashamed of myself for having sympathy for him

Saturday morning when we woke up I sat up and said 

M: I have to tell you something.  It's killing me to keep a secret for you." 

OMG the look on his face... 

C: Oh ok

M: I gave Ex some money (I told him the convo)

I swear, knowing that I'd given him this money and kept it a SECRET was driving me insane.  If I just never thought to mention it that would be one thing.  But to say to myself "Don't tell Crab" was like having a monkey on my back.

But I like that I am thinking smarter.  Old me would have given him $200.  Old me would have left work to bring it to him.  Old me would have mentioned him driving the car that he said he doesn't have to my job an hour away to get something for himself.  (Did I tell you he lies and says he doesn't have a vehicle so that he won't have to pick up and drop off our son? What a loser!) Old me would have believed that he had good intentions of returning the money.  Old me would have depended on him returning the money. Old me would have cussed him out a million times.

New me said "It's ok to help him but not to the point that it will hurt you."  New me said "Wooooow, he's lying even though he knows I use this money to take care of our son.  He's a bastard."  New me said "Don't even mention the money.  He probably expects you to. Just let it go.  You knew he wasn't gonna give it back."  New me didn't go in on him about the car that he swears he doesn't have.

I'm liking new me.  She's smarter and more mature. In my opinion.

New me is also taking some responsibility for the way men treat her too.  But we'll talk about that later!

Extra Extra

Lynn's Back!

Dreams

Sometimes (most of the time) I have weird ass dreams!

I had the strangest dream the other night that Crab and I were in a cheap motel.  We had five kids.  The two youngest were around 6 months and maybe a 3 weeks old.  Crab was on the bed holding the 6 month old.  The older kids were kind of running around/watching TV.  I look on the floor and notice our 3 week old was on the floor spitting up milk and choking.  So I run over to the baby.  He was a little itty bitty thing. I pick him up and start giving him mouth to mouth and he turns into a cell phone.  On the screen was a little red headed white boy and every time I'd breathe air into his mouth (by putting my mouth on the screen) his cheeks would puff up with air.  Then I'd do chest compressions by pressing on his chest on the screen.

That's where it ended because Crab woke me up to go to work.

Last night I had a dream that I woke up at Crab's house but I didn't remember ever going.  I woke up and my childhood friend was there with me.  She was a wild one when we were in high school and she never took anything seriously.  When I woke up I was like "How'd I get here!?!?"  He told me I showed up at 3:25 in the morning.  I looked outside and there was a security car in the driveway.  You know, like a mall security car.  I kept asking if I'd driven it there and neither one of them were taking it seriously.  She was just running all over the place not paying attention and he was laughing.  I was getting really pissed and I kept asking if I'd driven the car over but no one could give me an answer.  I knew I hadn't been drinking and was worried if someone had drugged me or something. But Crab just kept making jokes about it and I was so mad.

Yeah that was last night's dream.

Hmmmm....

So boring.  Nothing to talk about.

I think Crab doesn't want me talking about what we do.  He's changing lately.  I don't know.  Not personality wise.  He's still the same in that aspect.  But emotionally.  Hard to explain. But I can say that this would be the time that I do a pivot turn and bounce! For some reason I have no problem saying I love someone but then the second someone else shows feelings I don't want them anymore.  I'm a sicko! But I feel no need to run. I actually want him more, miss him more, feel closer to him.  Maybe I'm growing the fuck up!  About time huh?

Spam

Why did I encourage Crab to go on twitter?!?!  He makes me sick on there AND he blocked me.  Imma make a second and third twitter @ just to bother him. Lol.  The other day I walked by him, looked at his TL and said

They shoulda never let this NWord have a twitter.

And you know what he did?

He tweeted it.

Let's ban together and report him as spam!

Right Back At'Cha

Well.  I am sitting on the couch and I finally feel clear enough to write. 
Its a really strange thing that has happened with me and Crab.  I. Guess we both had a fight or flight moment over the last few months.  And it appears we both chose to fight. And what's even more strange is the fight.  The fight is not offensive or defensive.  The fight was actually just letting go. 
I feel he has allowed me to see he has feelings for me.  More than just "friends". I never allowed myself to believe that he could feel that for me.  I never wanted to feel the hurt that could be possible if I believed and was wrong.  But he was vulnerable and said several times "I have feelings".  He described what I was doing as cheating.  And while we aren't together I realized that by trying to make him stick around it was like if someone was cheating on their mate and saying

"I'm not getting rid of you yet but I am seeing someone else who I'm eventually going leave you for."

And my fight.  My fight was letting go of fear.  I'm no longer afraid.  I spend the night.  And when I do.  I actually sleep.  I lay down with no intent of getting up.  I get comfortable ON the bed. (Remember I used to only sit on the floor).  I go to sleep.  I wake up with no intentions of leaving right away.  I go get coffee.  I get back in bed and I leave when I'm good and ready and that's sometimes not until late afternoon.  When we have sex I look at him. I talk to him. (A little.  Work in progress). And I crawl right next to him when we're done and bury my face in his neck and breathe him in deep.  I sling my leg over him wrapping my arm around his body and tuck my hand tightly between his back and the mattress and at no point do I feel the need to run. 

This thing.  This place I'm in with him right now...
I think
I think this is what it feels like when you love someone
And they love you back

Hey!

I'm alive

I'm still doing what I do.  In love with Crab.  Not leading Homeboy towards anything because of my relationship with Crab.

Spending a lot of time with Crab.  Sleeping over has become the norm. I like it.  I also love to lay with him.  Progress.  I'm talking a little more during also.  AND there's a lot more "during" to speak of then usual!  Now when I'm not with him I'm missing him like CARAZY.

Yup.

Still Me.

When I get some news for you (good or bad) I'll come back.

Crab and I ordered new toys so....

Yeah. I'll tell y'all about them one we use them

We had such a good morning.  The sex was good and I was feeling so close and in love with him when I left and then he called sounding sad saying that it felt different today.  I hate when he thinks like that.  I don't want him sitting around thinking thinking thinking...

No one has been near it but him for years.

I told him it's not true and he said he believed me... We'll see...

Hey y'all.  I haven't been writing because I'm just confused right now.  And my feelings right now are so... I don't now how to describe it but I think I just don't want to share.  ** shrugs **

I think you guys can appreciate that.

But I'm torn up inside right now about the right thing to do.

I know what I do

Uhhhhhh....

I'm kind of not feeling very free right now with the blogging now that Crab has been all nutty about my past posts.

Anyway.  So I'll see Homeboy tonight at the gym.  On Tuesday I found out that this week is the last week of boxing and Mini only had one class.  But homeboy paid upfront for him to have 2 private lessons and brought the boxing coach (is that what they call them?  coaches) over to me and told me that anytime I wanted to come I could and he would give Mini private sessions and Homeboy will pay for it.  When I was about to leave he wanted me to stay so he could introduce me to his father, but his dad was on the weights and I didn't want to disturb him.  I told him I'd meet him today instead.  His dad is hot.  I just needed to put that out there.  Dad is... Mmmmm.  Mmmm.  Before I left I decided to mess with him a little bit and was all  "Gimme a kiss".  He started stuttering and laughing and blushing and was like "In front of everyone?!?!? I mean... I never really... I mean...  right now?"  and he was just stuttering and then I started laughing and told him "I was just kidding!"  Then he started laughing and saying "No.  No.  I'll do it. I'll do it" And I was like "Naaaaaw...  I was joking Homeboy."

My ex-husband (or husband if you wanna be technical) called me saying he was gonna get evicted today. -_-
I don't know what wanted me to say...
-_-
I told him he better call his brothers ASAP.  Then he said where am I gonna put all my stuff.

"Storage" was my answer

He got mad and hung up













How are you getting evicted when you make more money than me and pay $400 less than me in rent?  And don't have a kid.  I'll tell you how.  You mooch off of a woman for 10 years and then have no idea how to manage your finances and pay your bills when she leaves your dumb ass.  While I'm begging you for money to help with the $175/week after-care, you are smiling showing me your new 60in flat screen.

This is why

Well I figured I'd give a little background about my not good enough issues.

Now reading this you will probably think my mother is horrible!  She really isn't though.  My mother is such a sweetheart.   My mother definitely didn't mean harm and I'm sure had no idea they were doing.  And if you are a parent yourself you know there are times you don't know what to or realize what you are doing is not the right thing.  Co-Sleeping (s/o to Monique) or crying it out?  Spankings or Time Outs? Teach a boy to "Man Up" or let him be in touch with his feelings? Ritalin or no Ritalin?  So I in no way harbor any ill feelings about my childhood.  But I do recognize that this feeling on inferiority and being not worth it, not good enough comes from my childhood.

Here's some background on my parents to help you understand why my mother was the way she was.

My mother grew up in a home being raised by her mother and grandmother.  He father had died when she was a toddler.  Her grandmother ran a successful salon.  They lived in a nice house.  But her mother was a terrible alcoholic.  My grandmother was tons and tons of fun sober.  But drunk she was meeeeean!  she would say terrible things.  I remember all the names she'd call me when she was drunk.  My mother had a little brother (same father) and a little sister (different father).  Two things I found out later in life that I affected my mother deeply were #1 her mother killed her father.  In self-defense.  But she did.  My mother didn't know this until later in life.  Kids used to tease her but she always thought it was just a mean rumor and gave it no second thought.  But she did have a reoccurring dream her whole life.  She used to dream that she was in her crib and saw her mother stab her father.  Later (sometime in there 30s or early 40s) she found out it was actually a memory and not a dream when her mother told her.  she was in fact in her crib watching when this happened.  Another thing that I think is important to know is that my mother's little sister's father molested my mother.  Details I don't know and I don't want to know.  A few months ago, when I had Mini's birthday party at the skating rink my mother wouldn't come because she said when she was little he would make her come with him and she had bad memories about the location.  I didn't pry.  I just said ok.

Anyway.  I know that as soon as she could my mother left and went to college, Fisk University (s/o to Freckles) That is where she met my Father who was attending MeHarry Medical School.  My father was from the same state as her but grew up in a more affluent family.  My grandparents were college graduates.  I'm pretty sure they graduated sometime in the late 1920s early 1930s.  My grandfather was a member of Omega Psi Phi and my Grandmother was a member of Zeta Phi Beta.  My Grandfather was a Reverend and my grandmother a teacher.  Alex Haley is a cousin and the story of Roots is my family's story.  Well anyways... so as you can see my parents came from 2 very different worlds.  So they met in Tennessee and were friends.  Buddies.  then for whatever reason my dad asked my mother to marry him.  she said yes.  She called home and her friends put together a wedding and  they came home to NJ, got married and went back to school. So my father was looking to open his own practice so he says "Listen you will be a teacher so that we have good health benefits"  My mother at heart is an artist and a writer.  And she's not fond of children.  But she did it.  I'll tell you later what it is she really wanted to do.  At 24 she had my brother.  At 27 she had me.  Back home in NJ life went on.  The town I grew up in most of the Black families there were friends.  Many attended school together (Morgan, Howard, MeHarry... you know the).  almost everyone was either a Que or a Kappa or a Delta or AKA with sprinklings of Sigmas and Zetas here and there.  Most people were in Jack and Jill which is a social organization for Black mothers and children.  You had to be invited into it and income is certainly a factor (just keeping in 100) and at one point in time color.  My mother wasn't allowed to join when she was younger.  And let me tell you my mother was (is) beautiful.  She is darkskinned and had gorgeous long hair.  For those weave wearers think 24 inch Remy.  Anyways so now my mother was in this new social circle but with people she'd grown up with.  So now they're all married to doctors and lawyers and the like and they are living a pretty nice life.

But here's the thing.  This is not what my mother wanted.  So she was depressed.  And that probably affected things.  She probably said a lot to me that you wouldn't normally say to your child in a regular circumstance like:

When you were born I was so disappointed.  I always dreamed of have a beautiful brown baby girl with big eyes and you were so light with little beady eyes.

Or

I never wanted kids.  I wanted to be a flight attendant and see the world but your father hid my birth control

Or

I don't know how you got here because I had a diaphragm

The list goes on and on.  I was often ignored.  Over-looked.  Short changed.  Told to shut up no one cared about what I thought.  I felt invisible most of the time.  I remember being little  I used to sit with my eyes closed and wish I could evaporate. So no one would have to worry about burying me.  No funeral which I imagined would be empty anyway.  I just wanted to disappear and be gone. I didn't however think my mother was not nice to me though. I just remember thinking that I sucked.  That I was not good enough. But not because of what she said.  Just that was how I felt.  But I see why I felt that way  now.  And I see how I quit a lot or never tried because I always felt I wasn't good enough anyway.  I see how that affected me.  I was never willing to even try anything.  I'm good at a lot.  But felt I'd never be good enough.  I still hold back (as you can see)  like I could do a lot more with my face painting business.  But I have this "You'll never be the best" mentality.  And it's not a loud voice in my head.  I usually only realize after the fact that I've held myself back.  And it's had to change a voice that was put there from the beginning.  Over 30 years of time.  Telling me how inadequate I am.  That's why I smother Mini.  No matter what I tell him he's gorgeous, handsome, smart, hilarious.  I tell him how badly I wanted him.  How scared I was he'd be a girl and how thrilled I was to find out that he was a boy.  I hug him.  I kiss him.  I hold his hand.  Tell him I will always be there to listen.

But now for me.  I just want to be worth it.  Good enough to be wanted and not settled for.  That's all I want.