Perfection

So Birthday was a success!  It was exactly what I wanted.  Exactly!

It's so frustrating not being able to put my feelings into words.  I feel like no matter what I say no one will ever be able to know how happy I am.  And I KNOW I'm happy because life is ROUGH right now.  And still I'm elated.  Truly warm and fuzzy on the inside.  I say this because I want to tell you all about my night.  But I just don't think I convey it completely.

So I guess my night started around 5 pm.  I put on a pair of leggings, a tank top and a big pink sweatshirt.  This was all planned.  Leggings and warmth was a big part of my plan.  My anemia makes me really cold.  So cold that in the winter I sit in front of the heater before touching Crab because my body is freezing to the touch.  I'm like cuddling a piece of cold raw chicken from the fridge. So I really just wanted my body to be warm.  I had a nice pair of fuzzy socks.  So I go to Crab's and we sit around for a little it bit and then I we ordered the food.  It took about an hour from the time I called the restaurant until the time I got back with the food.



Sooooo... first we watched James Bond Dr. No.

And laughed and talked then we watched North by Northwest with Cary Grant and we ate and drank.  

And boy did we drink!  The two of us killed off a whole bottle of Johnny Walker Double Black!  IT was SO GOOD!

Then we watched season 1 and 2 of The Chappelle Show. And then we watched The Streets is Watching.

And then we did it!  HaHa!  And it was good!  And I was kissing him and looking him in the face and TALKING

Yes Gawd!  I was!  I was TALKING!

And I ended up saying at 7am "I'm going to sleep now."  and at some point hearing "Are you cold" as he put another blanket over me. :) 

So my birthday was perfect. As simple as it sounds, it was just heaven.  And I try to tell him how happy these things make me.  How just completely thrilled I am, and excited to spend every minute I spend with him.  And I don't think he gets it.  Because this is just little little things to him.  He hates it that the money is gone.  That he can't do the things he likes to do with his girlfriend. But I so want him to stop thinking about that.  I want him to be able to enjoy  how happy he makes me without trips and gucci shoes...  I don't even need expensive shoes because I 'm clumsy and trip a lot and scuff and scrape up my shoes terribly!  I'd feel awful ruining a pair of really expensive shoes.

So anyway.  Thanks for reading.

Blah Blah Blah....

I am currently in a period of time that I absolutely hate to not be with Crab.  I hate when I go to see him after work and then I have to leave to go get Mini and go cook.  And while I'm cooking I can't wait until I'm done so that I can take him dinner.  And when I kiss him goodbye to leave after a quick 30 seconds - 2 minutes of time I'm sad.  And all night I miss him.  Every show I watch I feel like he is missing from the other end of the couch when something is funny or shocking or confusing... Movies,

Then I talk to him a couple of times and I wait.  I wait for 8:50 pm when he leaves and talks to me on his way yo the gym.

Have a good workout!  I say and then...

I wait.  I wait for 10:05 for him to talk to me on his way home from the gym.

M: Did you have a good workout?
C: Yeah.  I did mostly my chest
M:  Mmmmm Thank you!
C: laughs

Then we talk a few more times before I go to sleep.  And the next morning if he doesn't call to wake me up I wait until he wakes up to go to the bathroom.

I want to be with him CONSTANTLY....  COOOOOONSTANTLY! This is crazy.  I needed to talk to someone about this.  So I pick up the phone and text

I gotta talk to you about something

Phone Rings

Yup!  Of course I go to him to talk about these strange feelings I'm having

M: I expected you to text me back... Um.... Not call...
C: Whats the matter?
M: Uh... I... uh... nothing... nothing bad.
C: Oh
M: It's just that I always want to be with you.  Like all the time!  I hate to leave you.  I hate it.  And I just miss you so bad all the time.
C: That's weird.  That's not even like you.

(I'm sure you all will think it's like me but I'm a lot more transparent here in blog world.  In real world I can be a little cold.  Not very warm and fuzzy and I'm a loner.  I love to be alone)

C: But it goes in cycles.  Phases.  You will feel  like this for a while and then it won't be as intense for a while and then you'll feel like it again.  Cycles.  You always say things like this when you're on your period.  You won't feel that way when it's over.

M: But my period is over.  It ended yesterday.

C: Really?  Oh.  It's a phase...

M: You think?  I think it's natural progression.

C: Yeah it'll go away in a few days.

I hate that.  When I feel strongly or deeply and I can't seem to convey it to someone.  I guess this is just how it is.  But do you or have you ever felt that there was absolutely nothing you could do or say to convey how deeply you felt for someone?  (sidebar - It's when I type things like this that makes me feel very infantile and immature.  Like, I'm so fascinated by something that others probably see as standard) ANYway...I feel like he will never truly know how much I love him.  Because there doesn't seem to be a way to say it.



                                                           

I Got Plans

So... I'm going to be turning 35. I've never been big on birthdays. Never ever ever.  I've always envied people who had parties and dinners and such.  I always organized things for friends and family members.  And some where deep inside I always wished that someone would put something together for me.  I had a couple of get together-ish stuff before but it never really worked out.

But last year Crab and went and grabbed a bite to eat and then went back home and watched a movie.  I think I've mentioned that I've never seen a lot of movies that most people have seen.  Like today I saw Carlito's Way for the first time!  I loved it!  So watching movies is kind of a special thing for me.  He shows me all types of movies  So last year was Gladiator.  So that movie will always be special to me. "Are you not entertained?!?!?!?"

I'm so psyched for this year.  I told him to put a whole night of movies together.  I'm gonna bring steaks and my favorite drink and probably some of his favorite drink too. And we are going to drink and eat and watch movies. And in the morning we are going to eat fish and grits like we love to do in the morning and I'm going to... CUDDLE him.  I am.  I'm gonna lay my face on that big ol chest and fall asleep and drool on him.

OH I CAN'T WAIT  FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (doing the Birdman hand rub)

And you know what i love about it.It is tailored perfectly to me.  It is what I like.  It is what makes me happy.  And he knows that so he will do exactly what i want no questions asked,

I wonder if he knows just how much these little things mean to me. I wonder if when I tell him how it's my favorite thing in the world to do does he really know it really really is? I wonder if he knows how excited I get when I just drop by and I see him put in a movie.  At that very moment I feel wanted.  I know that he wants to spend at least 2 hours with me.  And when that movie ends and he puts another one in right after it makes me feel... I don't know how to describe it but I can tell you writing about it is making my eyes water.  Sometimes we watch like 4 movies in row.

Those are the times I'm most at peace.

Welp. Better put Mini in the bed.  Poor baby fell asleep while doing his homework.

Sleeper

Hey Y'all!

So last night Mini left to go with his dad for the weekend and I went to Crab's for a little bit of R&R.

First Porn...  I went through some of the movies that I haven't watched  yet.  I must have scanned through about 10 or 12.  Scanning... scanning... scanning...  I just could find anything I liked.  So Crab walks in the room and I say...

Where's the one with the monkey?

He laughed and then said "You are such a sicko"

And we laaaaaauuuuughed!

 Don't get me wrong though.  The monkey is not involved.  It's just in the room.  But there is like a red wine water torture part and guns in mouths.  Love Love Love it.  It's part of Nacho Vidal's Back 2 Evil series.  It's called Jealous Monkey.  My all time favorite scene is next with Belladonna on Angel Collectors. That's my favorite of all time.  Angel Collector. Yeah that's my fave.

Anyway so after watching a little porn for a while you know we did what we do ;) then we started watching some movie called Kingdom.

It was good but it was really late and I started falling asleep which Crab hates!

C:  I'm not putting the movie in if you're gonna fall asleep. (Mind you this is said before every movie)
M: I'm noooot.  Just put it in
C: No really because this is a good movie and it'll be pointless if you fall asleep.
M: I'm not gonna fall asleep

10 minutes later

C:  Are you sleeping?
M: No!  The dude just said that the other dude was about to call that chic and then they went to the store... I'm awake!

 5 minutes later

C: You're sleeping!  I'm looking at your eyes!
M: No i'm not.  Shut up!  I'm trying to follow this.

5 minutes later

C: You understand that part?  What she just did right there?
M (delirious) Yeah.... is this whole movie gonna be in subtitles?
C: What are you talking about? It's not even in subtitles.... smh....
M: (delirious) oh nothing... nothing....

So yes this is basically what happened last night.  This morning I woke up went home. and i'm waiting for a one Sir Crab to re wake up so we can re-watch the movie (which is what always happens)

Better Update (Thanks CeCe)

CeCe....  Thanks for giving me something to write about!  I guess I was out of practice!

Well, I remember one day I was at Crab's house and his phone rang.  He picked it up and
I guess the person on the other line asked what he was doing and he said 

"Nothing.  Just sitting here talking to my girlfriend"

BOOM!  There it was!  final confirmation.  

I think it came from him being confronted with me seeing Homeboy twice a week when Mini was taking boxing.  There was one day Homeboy got all bent out of shape when he saw Crab's picture on the background screen on my phone.  He was all "I want to punch him in the face."  Crab was all "I want to knock him out"  I was all "Neither one of you want to be with me so..."  I guess this was about the time Crab decided to make things official.  I remember it being a big deal that I tell homeboy that Crab and I were committed. I did.  Homeboy and I had a talk.  He said that he could never get past the point that he felt I was in love with Crab.  Valid point...  He still calls every now and then though.

On another note, I have been getting some financial things in order! YAAAAAY! The smallest so far has been paying off my car.  Finally!  Finally!  Finally!  Freedom from the car note.

Now.  This one is two fold.  I had 5 years of taxes to file.  But wait!  Wait! I know it sounds crazy! There was a method to my non-taxfiling madness!  I had student loan issues.  So I didn't file because any refund would just be going right back to the government.  So....  I was always trying to get out of default with that 9 month payment plan but I'll tell you, every time I was on like my 7th or 8th month disaster would hit and I'd fuck up! I'm actually pretty sure some type of disaster tried to hit this time.  But uh uh I was not letting ANYTHING get in my way this time.  I think this time, I ended up having to send Mini to NC for 3 weeks because I couldn't find childcare for the few weeks between the end of camp and the beginning of school, and then, on top of that I stopped getting child support.  But oh HELL NO!  I think I might have borrowed the money from my parents (which I HATE doing because I HATE asking for money).  But I was not gonna let it anything get in my way this time.  And I did it!

So when I got my congrats letter and confirmation from Sally Mae, I headed over to see Cat Daddy.  He's a CPA.  His clients are entertainers so I'm sure doing my taxes would be a cinch.  So he did my taxes.  All 5 years and I have a nice 5 digit return on the way!!!!!

My next project is a vacation.  I want to take Mini on vacation.  I think I have a fear of traveling.   But Mini wants to go to Universal Studios. So i'm taking him.  But I'm not going to tell him when.  I'm going to do the whole telling him on the way to the airport thing.  That should be fun.

Anyway.  There is a little bit of a better update for you guys!

Check in

So I'm not sure where I left off and I don't really feel like going to look so....

Crab and I are truly positively official. No if ands or buts.  He is mine and I am his and we are us.  It's interesting.  As we know this whole healthy type thing is completely foreign so it takes some getting used to.  He's definitely more involved in my life and has plenty more opinions than before.  And I guess that's all part of a relationship right?

I wish I had more to talk about!  I'm sooooo boring right now!

Hello!  It's been a while huh?

Well nothing much is going on.  I got a text from MD the other day

****GASP****

It just said

MD:  Good morning Stranger I miss you

M: I miss you too

MD: Come say hi

M: I cant

And then I immediately erased the texts because I don't want them haunting me.

I had a bad bout of PMS and went off on Crab.  I think it was about sex.  Lack of sex I think.  I can't even remember what I was saying Then I tried to break up with him and ended up telling him I loved him and could we just forget it.

I get that REALLY bad PMS sometimes.  I am like an enraged maniac.  My face was broken out like I was going through terrible puberty.

Anyway.  There's a little update for you guys.  I'm gonna go roam around and see what's up with my fav blogs!