Perfection

Hey. I'm having a great weekend. No cupcake yesterday but I did have sashimi salmon and a grey goose martini and watched Gladiator and kept falling asleep and then... watched it again today and stayed awake and cried at the end and had a nice turkey sandwich and then a nice iced coffee from starbucks and then people watched.  All this done with Crab who's company I truly enjoy!

And it was all perfect for me. 

It's my Birthday!

Hey!

It's my BURF-DAAAAAAAY EEEEEOOOOW

I'm still thinking that I have reached some zen like part of life. I'm still feeling calm and even. And regardless of the fact that it's Twitter or Facebook, I'm still appreciating all of the birthday wishes. Even brought me to tears this morning (SHUT UP. I know everything brings me to tears. SO WHAT)

I'm going to go buy a cupcake for myself and I'm gonna get a candle for it too. Cause I wanna make a wish. And then I'm gonna go buy a relaxer and some weave! And I'm gonna give myself a touch up and new hur. And then I'm gonna go go "Just Be..."



with Crab.

I just thought about what I'm gonna wish for and it made me get all teary. And no its nothing silly and girly. Or superficial. I'm proud of myself because it was very mature. You're growing up DB... nice...

I'm grateful for another year and hopeful for many more after this one. And I'm glad I'm still in my early thirties. :)

You Got It You Got It Bad

For those of you who actually read my tweets you already know that I'm having the hardest time concentrating today. I thought maybe a little blogging might help. You know how you just really want to tell somebody something and then it wont haunt you anymore? Well Y'all are my somebodies!

I'm not sure that these studies of how many times men think about sex in comparison to how many times women think about it are accurate. I think about it about every 4-5 minutes. NO LIE. And I only think about Crab! I have flashbacks. All day. I wish I could have a simple way to record it. I would never remember to write it down. There are too many moments. Today I keep thinking about yesterday. Yesterday I kept thinking about Saturday/Sunday.

I've been thinking it was probably easier to concentrate when I used to go see him every morning before work. Then maybe I got to handle that early so I would have to think about it all day. It really is a problem. It's like I wake up from these daydreams and have no idea how long I've been staring ahead blankly (Blankly. Word? Not a word? I don't care...) Like have I been sitting here 30 seconds thinking about his face when it feels good? Or was it more like 5 minutes thinking about his face. How my hands feel on his chest. The ripples down his stomach. How I went further down than I ever have yesterday. Did he feel it? I think he did cause I think I heard him feel it. I yawned last night. I haven't done that in a long time. He likes it when I yawn. He can't tell when I'm doing though. But I can tell he feels it. Or the angles. He was on some angles I've never had before the other night! Two thumbs up CrabMan! Sigh... You see. This is ALL DAY LONG. Then sometimes it will move to Love. I think about how much I love him. I might even get a little teary eyed (cause y'all know I be emotional and crying and shit). This is all day everyday. I can't concentrate. In a couple of days it will be 2 years since we met. See... Out of nowhere... Who the hell was talking about when we met?

I got it bad...
Still

HEY! I just published this and came back because....

THAT WASN'T EVEN WHAT I CAME TO WRITE ABOUT!

UGH!

SEE?!?!?!

Anyway. So my birthday is Friday and so far I know that Sis, Echo(can't remember if I gave her a nickname but I'm sure we've mentioned her. She's one of my best friends) and Angel and I are going out. Echo is simple. Not simple stupid. Simple easy to please. So when she asked where we were going to for my birthday her suggestions were Olive Garden or a Fundraiser for her daughter's dance school. My answers were No and No. Anyone who knows me knows I despise Chain restaurants. Red Lobster, Olive Garden, TGI Fridays, Applebees, Outback.. I could go on... No? Ok. You get the point. So Echo and I talked a little bit and decided to go to the Hibachi place for the b-day. I told Crab and he was all... No. He has some places in mind and that he wants me to have fun for once. He still hasn't told me what these places are. Chances are my ass will end up at Arirang Hibachi on Route 22 just like I said...

Angel wants to go to the city (NYC). Angel, I don't think I've mentioned before. Angel is a friend of Echo's. She's Drop dead gorgeous. And she hangs with celebrities and video vixens. She's invited me a couple of places none of which I've actually gone but I promised to go to her New Years party! I think it's going to be a good time. Crab said he'll come

-_- We shall see


Anyways... I'm thinking that she be my next pretty broad to hang with. But I will have to increase the cash flow b/c hanging with Angel will be more expensive than my usual spots. But I'm sure Angel definitely attracts drinks! She's so pretty! But I'm thinking is that messed up to become hangout friends with a friend of a friend? I mean she introduced us and is always saying she wants us (the three of us) to hang out. But Echo has a gang of kids. She can never go out. Her husband doesn't let that happen. Plus she's homely looking. But she's simple so she doesn't realize it anyway. But would that be foul to start hanging independently with Angel? BTW Crab has his own opinions about Angel. But we can save that for another day.

Spooning

Well.  Since I've been gone...

I feel closer to Crab than ever.  I am slowly opening up.  Its hard.  The other night I laid with him (which is something I've never done). It was nice after I relaxed.  I kept getting scared and id start to get up.  Then he'd ask if I was okay and id lay back down.  As I laid there I kept saying to myself, "its Crab... its okay. He's your best friend. Its okay. Relax. What are you scared of?"

I really liked it. His skin on my cheek, his arm around me.  I hope we can do it more often.  I liked holding him. And being held.  There were moments when I felt so safe.  And get this... I was completely sober! I usually drink in an effort to let go and not be afraid to feel.  But its never actually worked.  Who would have thought that the time I would allow myself to feel would be completely alcohol free? I think he liked it too.  Things just feel different. Nice.. you know...

So my birthday is Friday. I have no idea what I will do. I was supposed to hang with these dudes from my building Slim and Suspect but I don't think I will cuz they want to go somewhere I have no interest in.  Well Suspect does at least and he has a bit of an overwhelming personality. Besides hanging out with a gang of dudes might not be a good look.

I'm pretty happy right now! I'm so glad to come back in a positive way. Anyways. I'll get back at you all mañana!

Hey Y'all! Ramblings!

Yo! What up. Been a minute huh? Well I aint talkin to Mz.P. I feel guilty cause she asked for an explaination while I was in the hospital and I told her I'd call he back and I never did. But basically cause she continuosly makes fucked up life choices. And it would be fine if said choices did not cause life situations that wouldn't necessarily require a friend to "be a friend". But her shit be like "I fucked up my money and me and my kids are homeless. Guess we'll sleep in the car." at which point a "TRUE FRIEND" would say...?

Girl are you crazy. Y'all can stay here with me (in my tiny apt) until you get a place.

Yeah well when that shit happens more times that Lauren Hill gets pregnant you are gonna have to reevaluate just what your duties are as a friend.

Bad life choices

- Letting your kids live elsewhere
- Getting apts with your little loser ass sister and her loser ass boyfriend who always seem to be the fault of your evictions.
- Getting fired from a job for giving brain (caught on camera mind you)
- Getting fired from a job for fuckery caused by sleeping with male coworkers
- Getting a new job and hooking up with the security guard
- remaining "friends" with a man after he tells your daughter "your mother hates you, come over and we can talk about it"
- Being friends (fucking) with one of the men that you slept with at your job who then went got you fired
- The people she hangs with - POINT BLANK PERIOD
- having your teenage daughters staying from one dude's house to another dudes house to another dude's house cause you haven't got a place to stay.
- Staying with a man who steals from you. Like carry all valuables, sleep with your purse under your pillow steals... For 7 years...
- Give custudy of your child over to him cause he says he can help you get some welfare. Watch sadly as he does nothing to help you and puts you on child support.

On my own note. Crab aint come to the wedding with me. Surprise Surprise. Granted his reason was valid (His daughter Flip, y'all remember Flip right? She got married the same day!) But that NWord could have told me that shit NOT THE NIGHT BEFORE. That's right. Im my backwards way of organizing my words I just told yall he told me this shit 7pm the night before and ONLY when prompted with a "You're still coming with me tomorrow right?" So I was HIGHLY, pissed off. HIGHLY. Like had no desire to carry on idle conversation for... well a damn minute (sorta kinda still)

Um... as usual I want a boyfriend :(

Um... My husband asked me out on a date. @_@. I know. That shit cray! He's on anti-depressants now so I think he's just been high for the past couple of weeks so his reality and my reality are different. Cause my shit doesn't have unicorns and gnomes.

Um... PICs been fakin on the going out tip. I might have to scout out another pretty braod to get my hangout on with.

And yeah thats bout all righ now.

Well. Here I am. Sitting in the hospital on day number three. Two and a half I guess. I'm not in pain or feeling ill so I am able to enjoy doing nothing and people bringe me food in bed. I feel like I'm on holiday!

I will most likely have a blood transfusion today. Some more painful ass shots and if I'm lucky get a sample of bone marrow taken. Fun fun fun.

I miss my mini though....

Imma go check out my fave blogs tho and see what is good in the blogger hood

Untitled... including the problems of no title

So me and MzP aren't taking.

She got tired of me making fun of her and telling her what a dumbass she is. (I do that by the way. I'm the crack up in your face type of friend) I guess the last straw was the article I sent her about gang violence on the rise in the city and the innocent victims. She was maaaaaaad.

And I don't care. Cause she's so worried about getting some kid she barely knows a lawyer while her and her kid are sleeping in her car. Which I will let them do cause she's a dumbass. I'm not Captian Save a Hoe!

In other news my CrabMan has been going through a real rough patch. So I've been just trying to be supportive.

I have not been going out. More situational than anything. No sitter, hair a mess, nothing to wear situations. This dude I gave my number to a while ago has been trying but I'm really not interested. Well, I actually didn't give him my number. I gave him my email address. He's a nice guy. Attractive. But he's not my type personality wise. Not confident enough. And I'm not attracted to him.

My only relationship issues at the moment arise when other people in my life expect more. Like "Ask Crab to come to dinner with us." Or "Oh you aren't bringing Crab to the wedding?" Just recently I've been hit with a lot of Crab invitations. I usually brush them off but recently I actually extended the invites. And ended up feeling stupid for doing so. I got a lot of "WHY?" from him. "Why would they expect me to come." Kind of stung. Which is why I never extended in the past. He did agree to come to the wedding though. But the pressure my friend put on me about that was so hard to weasle away from. Usually I can brush it off but this time she was all I counted you as two damn it. You can't come by yourself. What's the big deal!?" So I broke and asked him to come. And he broke down and agreed to come. So that's 9/11 so I'll let yall know how that goes. I gotta get the percect dress cause standing next to the CrabMan is pressure wit his fine ass!

And I'm Out